Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Red Deer Reporter: Billionaire vows to build 'American Football University'

Charles Z. Pinkerton III an American billionaire, loves US college football so much that he wants to build a “football university” in Red Deer.

“Red Deer is already the perfect US college town.”  Said Pinkerton.  “All it really needs is a big university!”

Pinkerton believes that global warming will force many US citizens to migrate to Alberta.  His proposed Red Deer State university would cater to these new immigrants.  The proposed campus would support over 100,000 students, thus doubling the population of Red Deer.  While it would offer university level degrees, its main purpose would be to develop talent for the National Football League.  Players rejected by the NFL would have the chance to tryout for the Canadian Football League.

“It’s a great system we have in the United States!”  Explained Pinkerton.  “We get players for almost free.  Our fans pay thousands of dollars for the privilege of reduced ticket prices, and get a degree as bonus.  The taxpayers give us millions of dollars, and don’t complain as long as the team is winning.  Oh, and we get a share of money for TV networks, and money from bowl games.  As long as the majority of professors are adjuncts, it’s like printing money.  Canada is going to love Red Deer State University!”

Pinkerton also added that there are benefits for Red Deer too.

“You’ll get a big stadium that can also be used for concerts.  Plus more people means more money from the provencal government.  Since the students will be gone after nine months, that means Red Deer residents will get to enjoy the profits for three months!”

The team, tentative called the Fighting Moose, will be a member of a major US collegiate football conference.

“We’re entertaining offers from The Atlantic Coast Conference, The Big Ten, and The Sun Belt Conference!”

A spokesperson for the University of Calgary, laughed at the proposed University.  “As any true Canadian knows, we believe in promoting student development over athletic development!  That’s why Canada created the Canadian Interuniversity Sport to prevent the crass commercialism we see to the South.  Even a lousy canuck, knows it is a bad idea for a university to be dominated by its athletic department.”

When this reporter tried to contact the Lousy Canuck blog, the receptionist said the blogger was in the middle of a conference call.

“In the background, a man could be heard yelling, “I don’t want to see a civil war!  OK, maybe I will want to see Capitan America: Civil War, but that’s it!”

Also in the Red Deer Reporter:

No snow season could be extended say scientists
Wildrose Party adds ‘Bigfoot culling’ to party platform
Man shakes uncontrollably after drinking fracking fluid

God to smite the rest of Canada on 3/8/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, July 20, 2015

Rochelle Reader: Orthotic and prosthetic ‘suppliers’ terrorize Rockford

John, last name withheld, was walking to his home in Rockford, when a man approached.  The man asked John if he wore a knee brace.  John replied that he didn’t.  After extending his ASP baton, the man smiled.

“I can solve that problem for you right now!”

John darted away from the man, running towards a public street.

“Rockford has four of the finest Orthopedic practices in Northern Illinois.  Tell them I sent you, and I’ll get a finder’s fee!”

John soon spotted a police car and the man ran away.  John was winded, but otherwise unharmed.

“I thought it was bad when doctors were first allowed to advertise.  This is going too far!”

Many Rockford residents claim to have encountered these so-called “suppliers” of orthotic and prosthetic patients.  The “suppliers” either try to harm a person, or encourage risky behavior, then tell their victims to go to a local CPO practitioner so they can collect a “finder’s fee.”

Officially, the Rockford deny the existence of these “suppliers.”  Unofficially, they claim that there are several such incidents every week.

“I know business can be slow in the prosthetic business.  I mean it’s not everyday someone loses a limb.”  Said an anonymous police detective.  “But these suppliers are something else.  It almost makes you want to move to Chicago.  The bad guys will just shoot you.  Here they’ll shoot you, and then get a cut from your treatment.”

Dr Paula, who asked that we not use her last name, said she encountered a “supplier” while transferring a patient to an emergency room.

“We just got him out of the ambulance, when some man yelled, ‘If you cut off her leg, I’ll give you 10% of my fee!’  I can’t wait for the day we can regrow limbs, and drive these ‘suppliers’ out of business!”

Donald, another anonymous victim, was at a restaurant, when he mentioned to a friend that he is diabetic.  According to Donald, a man pushed a dessert cart next to him.

“Eat all of this.”  The man allegedly said.  “Then once your feet start swelling, I can get you a great deal on a custom orthotic shoe!”

Donna Z. Gill, a spokesperson for the American Board of Certification in Orthotics, Prosthetics, and Pedorthics, denied the existence of “suppliers” in Rockford.

“The practitioners in Rockford are ethical and professional!  They would never hire people to create new business.  With the baby boomers getting older, our profession will have more than enough patients to keep everyone busy!”

CPO Doug, from the Rockford office of Limbs R US, also denied using “suppliers.”

“We don’t need to create business!  As long a farmers work with dangerous equipment, athletes hit each other in the knees, and people get old, we will always stay in business.”

A man in the background, then said, “Look!  They’ve automated the RAC audits!  Let me do one now.  Did I make a prosthetic device this year?  Yes.  Did I charge Medicare?  Yes!  What?  I have to reimburse Medicare?  That’s not right.  That makes me so mad!”

“You'll win the appeal.”  Doug replied.  “Until then, just relax.  Shooting off your gun will make you feel better.  Here are some resumes with foreign looking names that you can use for target practice!”

Also in the Rochelle Reader:

Ogle County Fair to feature UFO rides
Werewolves praise Rochelle Veterinary Hospital
Ghost of Ronald Reagan spotted in Dixon

God to bless Rochelle this week

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, July 13, 2015

Donald Trump vows to deport all space aliens

By Reporter X

Speaking outside of Bolingbrook’s Clow Airport, Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump promised to deport all space aliens from Earth.

“Since aliens have invaded Earth in the 1940s, we’ve had several wars, Ebola outbreaks, the rise of ISIS, and Obamacare!  They are hurting us!  The universe is sending their worst beings to our planet.  I say its time we send them back!”

Addressing an estimated crowd of 20 people, Trump said that his first act as President would be to sign an executive order shutting down all UFO Bases.  “I want all 20,000 of you to know that nothing good has come from UFO bases like Clow.  We can keep the airport running, but we need to bury the UFO base!”

Trump also launched a verbal attack against the Martian Colonists.

“Everyone says that we should be afraid of the Martians and that we should call them colonists.  They say they can destroy the world in seconds.  Well I say that’s not true!  I don’t care what the experts say.  I don’t even care what the facts say.  I know that the Martians are weak!  I know they can’t stand up to me.  Mars belongs to us, not them.  Once I’m in the White House, and will send them this simple message: You’re fired!  Clean out your colonies and get out of our solar system.”

Trump also attacked Mayor Roger Claar.

“That man runs Clow UFO Base, and in my eyes that makes him a traitor!  If he promises to shut it down, and run my Illinois campaign, I will pardon him.  It’s an offer he can’t refuse!”

Despite the fact that a majority of residents either work for Clow, or have jobs related to alien activities, Trump was not worried about losing the Bolingbrook vote.  

“I will win Bolingbrook.  I will win it by a lot!  Even Roger Claar will vote for me once I make a donation to his campaign fund!”

Oyolock, an expert on Interstellar Affairs, was appalled by Trump’s comments.  “Our scientific exchanges with humanity helped you create the transistor and the microchip.  You would still be using vacuum tubes if it weren’t for us.  If you actually elected Trump, you could forget about humans being allowed off the planet again.  The only things Trump can do well are make himself look smarter than reality show contestants and declare bankruptcy.”

Sources within the New World Order note that the President does not have the authority to shutdown UFO Bases.  All UFO bases on Earth are fully or partly administered by the New World Order.

“We’re thinking about letting Trump win as part of a campaign to end democracy.  The idea is we’d give him a year to run the country into the ground, then have the International Monetary Fund take over.  Kind of like what we did to Greece.”

When reached for comment, Claar said he doubted that Trump would win the nomination.

“The Republican leadership and the Koch Brothers will shut him down if he takes this stunt too far.  As far as I’m concerned, the only thing Trump is doing is making the eventual nominee look good.”

Also in the Babbler:

Weredog featured in WCIU commercials
Russia offers to bail out Illinois
Pluto Whale to vist Clow UFO Base in December

God to spare Bolingbrook this week.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Support us through Patreon

July 2015 update:  We're now just eight dollars away from our first Patreon goal.  Will you help us reach it?

By Jenna Olson

I’m pleased to announce they we are pulling all ads from our web page, and giving you an opportunity to directly support our web team.  We now have a Patreon page!

Patreon allows you to make donations to us.  If choose to make a donation, simply enter how much you would like to donate per story.  You can choose to set a monthly cap on donations.  You’ll receive rewards based on how much you donate to us, like access to exclusive Patreon only updates, personal messages from our staff.  More importantly, you’ll allow us to keep the page up, pay our webmaster, and support new and exciting projects.  Chicago area skeptics are already speculating about our current project.  Your donation will help make it a reality!

To be clear, the content on our web page will remain free.  Our Patreon page is just a convenient way to support us.  We hope that this page will let us keep the freedom to post the unbelievable truth!  No longer will we have to worry about godless slimy hordes of skeptics intimidating our advertisers.  Instead, we hope to rely on the faithful support of our patrons.

Will you be our patron, and stand up for the unbelievable truth?

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Mayor Claar saves New Horizons probe

By Reporter X

Content Notice:  Discussions similar to body image conversations.  

After several hours of mediation, Bolingbrook mayor Roger Claar persuaded the Plutoians to stop jamming NASA’s New Horizons probe.

Said Claar, “I am proud to work with the leaders of Pluto to resolve this conflict with little loss of scientific data from New Horizons.  Earth will have wonderful pictures of Pluto and none of them will feature Pluto City.”

According to sources, Pluto forced New Horizons into safe mode after finding out that the International Astronomical Union would not consider restoring Pluto’s status as a full planet until 2018.  The New World Order convened an emergency summit at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base with representatives from Pluto’s government.

The New World Order representatives tried to explain that it didn’t matter humans called Pluto because Pluto’s scientists are not bound by the IAU’s decisions.

“Words’s have power, and words can hurt.”  Countered Pluto representative Plackgock!  

“But you shouldn’t feel bad about being called a dwarf planet.”  Said Coordinator Biff.

“Don’t tell us how to feel!  We can feel however we want about being labeled.  In fact, how would you like it if we labeled Earth a fat planet?  Maybe we’re the normal sized planet because we could control our appetite while orbiting the sun.  Maybe the reason Earth has cleared its orbit is because it is so piggy.  Jupiter is mostly gas, so it has an excuse.  What is Earth’s excuse?”

“Enough with the planet shaming!”  Interrupted Claar.  “This is getting us nowhere.  The representatives of Pluto should be better than this!  Until the IAU changes its mind, think of your world as the Peter Dinklage of the solar system.”  

Claar then brought in a representative from the Center for Inquiry.  She grinned as she looked at the Plutoians.

“The Executive Director of our Washington DC branch runs a fashion blog. She wants to do a photo shoot with all of you because your outfits are so hot!  I mean so cool!”

“Um, doesn’t that go against Earth’s policy to cover up off world visitors?” Asked Plackgock.

“Don’t worry.  We’re starting a new blog for the interstellar Internet.  It’s called Fashion: Inside Earth’s UFO Bases.  Your delegation will be featured in the first post!”

Plackgock immediate ordered his government to stop jamming New Horizons.

New Horizons will make its closest approach to Pluto on July 14.  Dignitaries from around our solar system, including Claar are expected be visiting Pluto to watch.

“We painted our twin planet Charon black just for the occasion.  We thought it might please our Emo fans on Earth!”  

Also in the Babbler:

Secret Babbler project progresses
Sleepy truck driver accidentally drives truck into UFO
Claar: No land-sharks in Bolingbrook!

God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/10/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, June 29, 2015

Village picnic celebrates Bolingbrook’s 50th anniversary

Last weekend, the village picnic kicked off Bolingbrook’s celebration of its 50th anniversary.  The following stories are from our team of reporters.

Alien catamaran disqualified from Cornfield Regatta 

After a 23 year hiatus, the Cornfield Regatta became embroiled in controversy when the Commodore disqualified an anti-gravity catamaran from Proxima Centauri.  

According to the rules, all craft must be six feet long and weigh less than 20 tons.  The Commodore ruled that the craft, call Pop Corner, weighed more than 20 tons.

“While it is weightless when its anti-gravity drive is on, it weighs more than 20 tons when the drive is off.  That is the weight I am counting, and therefore I had to disqualify this craft.”

Pop Corner captain J’golld, protested the ruling.

“This is (expletive deleted)! We have the only craft here that can sail on a cornfield.  Where’s the (expletive deleted) corn? This is just the village hall!  I call (expletive deleted)!”

Former mayor Ed Rosenthal explained to the crew that the Cornfield Regatta wasn’t literally a race on a cornfield.  It was intended as a humorous response to radio shock jock Steve Dahl’s jabs at Bolingbrook back in the 1980s.  The “yachts” are more like soap box derby cars, and the competition is for fun for Bolingbrook’s human residents.”

J’Golld wasn’t pleased.

“What a (expletive deleted) up ruling!”

“I make the rulings no matter how (expletive deleted) up they might be.”

Rosenthal, eased tensions saying that the Pop Corner would hold Bolingbrook land speed record for fastest yacht that actually sailed on a cornfield.

Sen. Bernie Sanders fires up Clow UFO Base workers

Presidential Candidate and Senator Bernie Sanders delivered at fiery speech at the village picnic for members of the Clow UFO Base Space Workers Union Local 1.

“When I saw my first UFO in Chicago, I was impressed!  Then I learned that it was maintained by American workers at Clow UFO base.  That says something when visitors from around the Milky Way come to Clow to have their space ships replied by American workers.  I’m looking at the best workers in the galaxy, and if we can fix UFOs, then we can fix America!”

Sanders also vowed to work with the New World Order to end the UFO coverup, and tell the world the truth about aliens on Earth.

“We have so much to gain by telling the truth about our alien friends.  Do you know there’s one alien empire that runs on the same about of energy that we use to power New York City?  Can you imagine what we could do with that kind of energy efficiency?  We could end global warming instantly!”

When asked if he was concerned that Americans might not vote for a socialist, Sanders said he felt confident that could win the popular vote.

“It’s all a matter of how you explain things.  Take for example this village picnic.  Thanks to government spending, everyone here gets a piece of cake and a hot dog.  If you want more, you can buy more, but at the very least you get a hot dog and cake.  That is fair.  But in America, you’re still paying the same taxes, but the government is spending that money to give the top 1 percent a five tiered cake, while you don’t get anything.  To make matters worse, the media tries to get you to blame the poor for the fact that you don’t have any cake.  Excuse me, but that’s (expletive deleted)!  When I’m President, I’m going to make sure that everyone gets their hot dog and slice of cake.  I’m also going to insure that every American is sufficiently armed, so that when the Koch brothers try to take away your cake, they can stand up to them and say, “Don’t take away my cake.  If you want more cake, go spend your own money!”

Mayor Roger Claar watched the speech, while seeming very annoyed.  When a cocktail waitress stopped by his table with a tray of drinks, he said, “I’ll take this tray, and you can bring me another one.  I’m going to need all the help I can get to make it through this.”

Former mayor Ed Rosenthal opens Clow UFO Base Museum 

Former mayor Ed Rosenthal cut a ribbon to officially open the Clow UFO Base Museum.

“I’m proud to be part of the history of what I think is one of the best UFO bases in the world!”

The museum features over 100 virtual reality pods that allow visitors to tour Clow and have virtual conversations with historical figures from Clow’s history.

“I just had a great argument with myself.”  Said Rosenthal.

It also includes replicas of the first habitat modules and houses several retired alien space craft.

Clow UFO Base is the largest UFO base in the world.  After opening to traffic in 1958, Clow provided the feasibility of staging UFOs in urban areas.  Today it is also the busiest urban UFO base in the world.

The museum plans to host concerts and lectures, in addition to its displays.

Also in the Babbler:

Babbler to celebrate 50 years of publishing
AI found in Valley View's computers
Bonnie spotted in Bolingbrook

God to smite Bolingbrook on July 5

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Rochelle Reader: Russia’s RT to start ‘Rochelle Today’ web site

RT, a global media organization funded by the Russian Government, will launch the Rochelle Today web site this Fall.  Rochelle Today is the Russian media’s first foray into the US local news industry.

“For too long, the Rochelle News-Leader has only provided a limited prospective.”  Said a source who only identified himself as Mikhail.  “We want to give a voice to the voiceless.  We want to present the news that you don’t see in the News-Leader, but isn’t as crazy as what you see in the Reader!”

Mikhail promises that RT will not be like Topix, which he accuses of being overrun with petty gossip.  Nor will it be like, which calls, “A glorified bulletin board.”

“We will have professionals on the ground in Rochelle gathering as much intelligence, I mean news as possible.  Our paid staff will give you the news Rochelle residents didn’t know they wanted or needed!”

Mikhail gave two examples of stories that RT is working on.  The first story asks why Mayor Chet Olson isn’t strong enough to clean the tornado damage all by himself.  The second article explains why, even though Rochelle would be even more safe and prosperous, Russian President Vladimir Putin is legally barred from ruling the United States.

“We’ll also make up, I mean report, stories about the dangers of GMOs, and evils of the organic food industry.  Someone is bound to be offended, I mean engaged, by our reporting!”

Despite the site being based in Russia, Mikhail feels that Rochelle residents will relate to the articles in RT.

“These are the stories that are really important!  Sure we’re from halfway around the world, but we share the same work ethic and conservative values as Rochelle.  We almost share the same faith too, but we can persuade you to follow the true Orthodox path to God!”

Critics, like Abraham’s patron Doug Z. Carman, accuse of RT of trying to undermine Rochelle with their web site.  “What they’re really going to do is post stories from the Left and Right, to sow mistrust in our local government.  Once we’ve lost confidence in our leaders, their special forces units will sneak in there to cause trouble.  In the confusion, we’ll start shooting each other instead of the real enemy.  Before you know it, Russia will annex the Northside!  We can’t have that!  Now, do you want to hear how I know that Obama is really a Jewish, atheist Muslim?”

Mikhail denied the charge.  “Just because we want to establish a web site for every community in the 16th Congressional District doesn’t mean we are trying to oust Rep. Adam Kinzinger.  Nor is this part of a greater plan to turn the United States in to a Pro-Putin puppet state!”

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for Olson said, “This just goes to show that Rochelle is the hub of the world!”

Also in the Reader:

Soviet thunderstorm attack misses Rochelle
Space alien accuses DeKalb police of harassment
Bigfoot spotted cleaning up Rochelle

God blesses Rochelle this week

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.