By Reporter X
Ohio Governor and Republican Presidential candidate John Kasich announced that if elected President, he would ban abortion at all UFO bases in the United States.
“I wanted to name a fetus as my running mate, but my advisors said that was unconstitutional. So this is the next best thing.”
During the press conference at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, Kasich touted the closing of half of Ohio’s abortion clinics as proof that he can end abortions at UFO bases.
“While Donald Trump is winning states, and Ted Cruz is naming a failed business woman as his vice-presidential candidate, I’m talking about the only issue that matters! I want to make sure that no alien fetus is ever aborted!”
Extraterrestrial reporters, who struggled to pronounce his last name, questioned how he could keep this promise. Especially since many interstellar treaties require abortion access at all bases.
“Simple.” he replied. “I slowly start passing more and more regulations regarding abortions. Before Planned Parenthood can complain, abortions will become practically impossible to perform. It’s working in Ohio, and with my unlimited authority as President, I can do it faster!”
During the conference, a protester shouted about its abortion.
“If I had given birth to my offspring, it would have devoured all life on Earth! My abortion saved your life!”
Kasich smiled, and said, “Wow. Someone cares enough about my candidacy to protest!”
Men in Black also arrested an alien who they accused of trying to impregnate Kasich. The being never got closer than 2000 yards from Kasich.
Thomas Xavier, Director of UFO Base Operations, laughed at the announcement. “This is a desperate attempt by a fail politician to garner the support of Alex Jones voters in Indiana! He knows full well that the President has no power to regulate abortions at UFO Bases. The New Order supports abortion access and this is one of the few things we believe humanity should have a choice about.” Xavier later added, “The Illuminati has already decided who the Republican nominee will be. Spoiler alert: It’s not him.”
When asked to comment, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar replied, “As much as it would help my mayoral campaign, I will not accept any nomination from the Republican Convention, if it were held today.”
Also in the Babbler:
Atheist leader blames aliens for making her embezzle money
Male ‘facial enhancement’ company considers Bolingbrook factory
Superheroes plan protest at ‘Civil War’ premiere
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/30/16