Monday, August 31, 2015

Rochelle Reader: American Atheists to secretly film movie at NIU

Sources with godless family members claim that American Atheists will be secretly filming a movie on the campus of Northern Illinois University.

Considered by some to be the most militant atheist organization in America, the sources claim American Atheists want to use the NIU campus to stand in for a fictional Christian college.  Officials at NIU and city hall say the group has not applied for any filming permits and does not have permission to film anywhere in DeKalb.  Some of the sources claim the cameras are hidden inside a van.

Joe X. Randolph, a NIU freshman, is terrified about being filmed by the atheist group.

“Mom warned me that if I went to NIU, I would lose my faith and become a corn smoking atheist.  I said there was nothing to worry about.  If my face appears in that movie, my family with disown me!  I don’t deserve to be disowned so I’m praying to Jesus that they don’t film me!”

Pauline, who asked that we not use her real name, is also fearful.  “If I’m seen in that movie, I can give up ever finding a good Christian man to marry.  I might have to wear a Niqab until they stop filming.  I hope no ungodly muslims try to hit on me while I’m wearing it!  But it’s better than people assuming I’m an atheist!”

An anonymous member of the NIU Secular Student Alliance said the hadn’t been contacted by American Atheists, but supported the filming at NIU.

DeKalb is the perfect metaphor for existence! Each of us is a small city, and instead of being embraced by an all-loving parent, we are surrounded by corn.  Uncaring, unhealthy corn!  The only things we have are within our city, and they is all we will ever need.  I can't wait to see this movie!"

According to a former American Atheist staff member, the movie is “very very loosely” based on “Doubt” by Jennifer Michael Hecht.

“By loosely, I mean we’re just using the title and that our main character learns a bit about the history of atheism.  Well kind of learns about it.  We really just wanted to do a response to God is not Dead, but we only had the movie rights to ‘Doubt.’  So we made some changes.  OK, a lot of changes.”

The source says that the movie is set at a Christian college where the main character just wants to study architecture.  Before he can do that, he must attend a mandatory theology class.  In one scene, the students are required to destroy copies of “The God Delusion.”  

Professor:  In order to know the mind of God, you must clear your own mind.  Evil men like Profession Dawkins want to cloud your mind with rationalizations!  Don’t let them.  Tear away the barriers between you and God!  Theology is freedom!

The main character has doubts about God, and starts using his hacker skills to get around the college’s firewall.  In one scene, he discovers the American Atheist web page, and starts a live chat session:

Woman:  Welcome to American Atheists!  I’m your special host.  Ask me anything.
Student:  You’re dressed so—
Woman:  I’m free from the restrictive dogmas of religion and radical feminism!  I can wear whatever I want thanks to the freedom atheism provides me!  
Student:  I want to be free too.  Can you help me?
Woman:  Sure.  Ask me anything!  (Winks)

Later in the movie, the student demands a debate about the existence of God.

Professor:  You cannot defeat me!  I am a professor with decades of apologetics experience!
Student:  I can’t defeat you, but these men can!
(AA president David Silverman, PZ Myers, and Dan Fincke walk into the classroom.)
Student:  I present, the trinity of free thoughts!
Professor:  No!  My faith will not survive their evil reason, and I will be doomed to spend eternity in Hell!”

The source did not say how the movie ends, she did promise “An action packed climax with lots of explosions and gun play!  Oh, and some atheist philosophy to connect it all together!”

None of the action sequences will be filmed in DeKalb, added the source.

When attempting to reach Silverman for comment, his receptionist said he was busy focusing on the groups new political efforts, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Silverman could be heard talking.

“Here’s the deal, Donald.  I need the attention.  You need someone who can get you back into Fox’s good graces.  Together we’ll be unstoppable.  So shut up and make me your Vice-president!  Hello?”

Also in the Rochelle Reader:

Rochelle votes against using nuclear weapons against tornados
Hub 35 celebrates landing of the galaxy's largest tanker UFO
Malta police try to fax speeding tickets to speeding UFO pilots

God to bless Rochelle this week.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Donald Trump and David Koch clash at Illuminati sponsored debate

Donald Trump and David Koch each delivered a fiery performances at an Illuminati sponsored debate in Chicago.  The winner of the debate will select the Republican Party’s nominee.

Trump started with a rare showing of humility to the grand council members.

“I want to thank you for giving me this opportunity to prove that I am the best billionaire to run this country.  I also want to thank you for crashing the stock market this week, which will only strengthen my standing in the polls.”

Trump then stressed that his candidacy would revolutionize the way the Illuminati controls the United States.

“This grand council is doing the business the same way it always has since the 1800.  You give money to powerful people, like me, to buy politicians on your behalf.  That is inefficient.  There are too many things that can go wrong.  I say we cut out the contract employees, I mean politicians, and let me run things.”

Image by freddhompson
When it was Koch’s turn, he shook his hand and defended the practice of hiring politicians control the government.

“Once The Donald finally says something to alienate voters, he’s finished as an influence peddler.  Just ask me.  I lost to Jimmy Carter in the 1980 Presidential election and I was never nominated again.  That’s how low I had sunk.  Today, my brother and I can buy a politician to enact our agenda.  If the rabble lose respect for him, we can always hire another one, and our agenda will continue.  Donald, if you lose, you will lose everything in politics.  Invest in us, and I can guarantee you a 100% return on your investment over your lifetime.”

Trump was not impressed.

“Illinois is the most corrupt state in the country, and don’t even get me started on Chicago.  Yet it still does better than Wisconsin! Which I should remind you is a state that you manage through Scott Walker.”

Koch defended his business skills.  

Koch Industries has been successful for decades, while you have declared bankruptcy four times.  You’re only successful because of the money you inherited from your father.  Now I can respect that, but if you were my politician, I would fire you.”

Trump quickly countered.

“For people like us, bankruptcy is way to keep our personal wealth safe, cancel business debt, and restructure our organizations to be more efficient.  I’ll go further.  If I am selected to be President, I will declare the country bankrupt, and use the International Monetary Fund’s power to reorganize our government.  Let me tell you, by the end of my first 100 days, there will be no more birthright citizenship, no more supreme court, no more yellow journalism, and a lean Congress that will only write the laws I want them to write.”

After the debate, surrogates from both sides tried to spin the outcome of the debate.

“Trump really knew how to speak to the council.”  Said Acolyte Jacob.  “I’m sure that if selected, Donald will not only make our country great again, he’ll lead the Illuminati to victory against he New World Order!”

Lesser Dokcat Martin stressed Koch’s experience with politicians.

“Not only does David know how to pick politicians, he knows the right way to buy their victories.  Kansas is only the beginning, and I know the Council will put their trust in David to hire the best President for this country.”

The Illuminati are expected to announce the winner of the debate in two weeks.

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook braces for economic meltdown
Skeptic Ben Radford promises not to sue Bigfoot if they leave North America
New Chicago ghosts struggle to find vacant haunts

God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/29/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Climate activists disrupt Black Lives Matter meeting in Bolingbrook

Three climate activists peacefully disrupted a meeting of the Bolingbrook branch of Black Lives Matter.  

Just as the meeting was about to start, three activists stormed on the stage and pulled the microphone away from the facilitator.

“The Earth matters!”  One protester yelled.  “It’s time for you to shut up and listen to us!  Humanity is doomed unless we limit global warming to less than 2 degrees celsius!

When the audience started chanting, “Black Lives Matter,” one of the unidentified protesters replied, “there are no living black people on a dead planet!”

The organizers of the meeting decided to let the activists speak for thirty minutes, rather than risk calling the police.  The activist spent that time warning BLM members about droughts, dangerous storm, and resource conflicts due to global warming.  Many in the audience booed.

When the activists asked for a moment of silence to honor the species killed off by humans, a man in the audience yelled that police officers were killing African Americans at twice the rate as whites.  He also mentioned that African Americans are incarcerated at six times the rate as of whites.

“We’re fighting for our lives, and you’re disrupting our meeting and telling black people what to do!  You need to shut up, set aside your white progressive privilege, and listen to us!”

The lead protester countered back.  “Island nations are drowningPolar Bears are dying!  Syria is bleeding because of climate change.  You need to shut up, confront your first world privilege, and listen to the planet!”

“How can we care about a bunch of trees when we’re struggling to survive?”  Asked one audience member.

“In a few decades, everyone will be struggling to survive!”  The lead protester countered.  “What good will ending racism do if your homes are swallowed by the ocean, or blown away in a super storm.

When the activists finished, the crowd once again started chanting “Black Lives Matter!”  The protesters walked away, chanting “Our planet matters!”

BLM member Robert, who refused to give his last name, was angry at the protesters.  “I understand that you have to be disruptive, but they nearly canceled our meeting.  I work long hours as is, and this is the only time I can spare to work on a cause I believe in.  They acted like they didn’t care about us when they barged into our space to push their message!  Fortunately, we were able to make our plans for confronting Mayor Roger Claar to get him to commit to making Black lives matter in Bolingbrook!”

Protester Amber, who claims that’s her real full name, feels their climate protest strengthened the group’s resolved to stop climate change.
“I’m sorry the police are killing their children, but so are their cars, and their electronics, and their homes.  Our carbon based society is destroying all lives, and we need to be as disruptive as possible to get the message out!  Once we save the planet, then we can go back to worrying about trivial issues!”

Paul, who asked that we not use his real name, said he was saddened by the protest.  “They raised some good points, and one of them seemed interested in our issues.  Our causes are important, but I guess after today we won’t be working together.  Don’t get me wrong.  Disruptive protests are effective, but we don’t need to use them all the time.  Some people will listen to us without having to shout at them.  To put it another way, a hammer is a great tool but sometimes all you really need is a thumbtack.”

Also in the Babbler:

Soviet tornado attack misses Bolingbrook
Chicago Tribune confuses Joliet with Bolingbrook
Edwards Hospital denies involvement with human cloning

God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/20/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

2015: Clow UFO Base survives Styx reunion concert

By Reporter X

Despite the odds, Styx, reunited with vocalist Dennis DeYoung and performed at the Clow UFO Base Celebration of Bolingbrook’s 50th Anniversary concert.

“50 years!”  DeYoung said to the audience.  “You know this village is only five years older than this band is.  Keep on rocking, Bolingbrook!”

The reunion came about when the emperor of the Komet Empire told Mayor Roger Claar that he wanted to see the “classic lineup” of Styx perform at the concert.  The emperor told Claar that he enjoyed their performance at Clow UFO Base in 1981 and wanted to see that lineup again.  Claar explained that one of the members died, but he would gather the surviving members for the concert.

According to sources, Claar approached the current members of Styx and told them to reunite with DeYoung.

“Your mayor said that we had to do a concert with Dennis.”  Said Tommy Shaw.  “I told him there was no way we would ever perform with him again.  Then he brought out his Men in Blue.  He told us that we didn’t understand.  This was a command performance, and we didn’t have the option to refuse.  He also explained that if we didn’t perform, aliens would wipe us out during a concert.  Dying is preferable to performing with Dennis, but we didn’t want our fans to die too.”

The first joint rehearsal didn’t go well.  According to eyewitnesses, DeYoung wanted to perform the rock opera “Mr. Roboto,” while the rest of the band just wanted to perform fan favorites.  Both sides argued for several minutes before Claar broke up the fight.

Shaw said he was mad because he wanted to play hard rock music, but DeYoung wanted to play “mushy” music.

Claar was not impressed.  “I have two words for you.  Damn.  Yankees.

Claar then addressed the entire band.

“You’re not angry young men anymore.  All of you sound like cynical old men now.  You fooling yourselves if you think you can avoid this concert.  You'll be killing your fans and you'd better believe it.  Because there’s a sinister plan out there in case you don’t perform.  So start acting like a band that cares about the fate of humanity.  Get on your feet and be the band that no one can beat!”

After several minutes, James Young broke the silence.  “Let’s rock!”

The actual concert was well received, though an announcer had to remind the audience several times that the lasers on stage were not death rays, but were a simulation of a 1970s laser light show.

“For a band with such a morbid name, they sure are fun to listen so.”  Said Otoblco from Kepler 452-B.

For the final encore, all the surviving current and former members of Styx came on stage and performed “Come Sail Away.” During the performance, two shapeshifting aliens in the form of South Park characters, ran on stage, then stage dived before they could be captured.

“It wasn’t planned.”  Said Chuck Panozzo.  “But the crowd loved it.”

After the concert, all members seemed satisfied.

“Now that Dennis has his reunion fever out of his system, I hope he never plays with us again.”  Said Shaw.  “From now on, we will always be the rock band our fans really wanted!”

DeYoung said the concert provided him with new opportunities.

“Roger asked me to compose a rock opera for his re-election campaign, and I just booked solo tour dates for Alpha Centauri.  It feels like 1981 all over again, and this time the paradise won't stop rocking!”

Also in the Babbler:

Claar bans Trump from offering limo rides at Bolingbrook Jubilee 
Black Lives Matter Chicago plans to disrupt Black Lives Matter Bolingbrook event
Rock aliens hail success of Fantastic Four boycott

God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/16/15.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Friday, August 14, 2015

2002: New Bolingbrook Golf Club to double as an emergency command center

Sources within Bolingbrook’s village hall say the recently opened Bolingbrook Golf Club also houses an emergency command center.

“There is a reason it looks like a castle.”  Said a source.  “If the terrorists attack Bolingbrook, this is where will coordinate the counterattack!”

The sources say the new Golf Club, in addition to housing a golf course, has approximately 100 automated ground turrets, over 20 anti-aircraft batteries, a small hospital, an underground bunker, and a subway that connects the golf club with village hall, and Mayor Claar’s home.

Steve, a source close to Claar, added more information about the Golf Club.

“I can’t believe people really believe we spent $35 million on a secluded golf club miles away from any businesses.  That’s just a cover.  This is really an investment in Bolingbrook’s safety.”

Steve also says that the golf club will house over 10 urban combat vehicles, and store military grade equipment.

Said another source, “in the unlikely even that terrorists provoke our residents into having unruly protests, we’ll be ready for them.”

When reached, for comment, Claar denied the existence of a command center at the Golf Club.

“We don’t need a command center.  Village Hall is just fine for any kind of emergency response.  Plus I have a feeling that President Bush will keep us safe this time.”

Also in the Babbler:
TSA screener fails to detect laser gun at Midway
Vampires pretending to be humans pretending to be vampires spotted in Naperville
Lake Michigan monster spotted in Chicago

God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/1/02

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

1990: ‘ISCA addiction’ rampant among aliens at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

Goozkee used to the commander of an interstellar battleship.  Then he discovered a computer bulletin board.  It was a computer bulletin board administered by the Indiana, Iowa, and Illinois Computer Associations.  Goozkee at first started leaving simple messages on the board.  Before long, he found himself spending hours on the service.

“I was getting mail messages, eXpress messages, and reading fascinating posts online.  it’s like AOL, but smarter.  A creation worthy of your species!”

Goozkee is one of an estimate 300 aliens who claim to be addicted to bulletin board, known on the “Internet” as ISCABBS.  In addition to its humans only “rooms”, the board also houses over 100 “rooms” exclusive for aliens.  While there are “aides” who are supposed to keep order, many fear that they are not doing enough to protect their alien users.

“It’s easy to get stuck on ISCA.”  Says an anonymous interstellar psychologist employed at Clow UFO Base.  “Unlike AOL, ISCA is free to use. You think that you’re having conversations, or you think you’re reading something important.  You also think that because its free you don’t need to log off.  The fact is you’re looking at a computer screen for several hours.  That can’t be healthy.”

Goozkee says he sold his ship, so he could spend more time on ISCABBS.  “I couldn’t get enough.  The aliens online are so interesting!  Who needs to meet people in person, when you can meet people on a computer?”

Addicts have also lost their jobs at Clow.  Blocky, who asked that we not use her real name, used to be an alien liaison to the Committee for the Scientific Investigation of Claims of the Paranormal.  Her ISCA Addiction lead to her termination.

“First I was ISCAing at my cabin.  Then on my home communication system.  Then on my communicator at work.  When my commander told me not to go on ISCA at work, I ignored them.  Then when I was twitted, or blocked from using ISCABBS, I became a liar.  I told the aides that I needed ISCA for work.  That I couldn’t live without it.  When I was fired from my job, I finally realized that I had a problem.

Clow officials have started taking action.  ISCA access is now limited to 4 hours a day per user.  All work terminals are bared from accessing ISCA.  Addicts are now eligible for free treatment at Clow's hospitals.

Goozkee is thankful for the staff at Clow for ending his addiction.

“Someday, I will be able to afford my own battleship, and I can leave Earth.”

When asked to comment, co-creator Dave Lacey denied that there was a problem.  “If there were aliens on Grind, I would know about them.  There aren’t.  This is a joke, right?  If not, once I graduate from medical school, I would be happy to treat you!”

The other co-creator, Dave Nelson, would only talk about how terrible his mother was to him, and refused to comment about the BBS.

Anonymous sources expect ISCA addiction to decrease once the World Wide Web is released to the general public within the next five years.

Also in the Babbler:  

Dirty Seattle band performs in Chicago
UFOs flee Iraq for Clow UFO Base
Bloodsucking goat killer spotted in Bolingbrook

God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/2/90

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

1987: Alien deported for pirate television transmission

By Reporter X

After a short hearing, Mayor Roger Claar deported an alien from Barnard’s Star who hijacked the transmission signal from WTTW.  The alien named, Glizbub, is also bared from returning to Earth for the next one thousand years.

Claar explained the sentence to Glizbub.  “One the most important rules when visiting Earth is not to transmit any messages over television or radio.  Your disgusting and moronic message to the people of Chicago is the most severe violation of the rule ever!  I should kill you, but this isn’t Area 51.  I’m just going to send you away.”

Glizbub protested the ruling.  “Aw Roger.  You can do this to me.  I wore a human disguise over my Max Headroom disguise.  I was even nice by having a female human hit my exposed human posterior.”

“That was the worst part!”  Claar countered.  “There could have been children watching that transmission!  We don’t show our exposed butts to children on television.”

“But Bobby—”

“I'm not Mayor Bailey! You’ll have one thousand years to figure that out.  Now go!”

Claar then addressed the other aliens in the courtroom.

“Next time you feel the need to use to broadcast something stupid, just send the tape to a public access station!  It will be broadcast, but no one will be watching it!”

Also in the Babbler:

Alien not allowed to play for The Bears
Sources: Reagan has forgotten about Clow UFO Base
Sen. Paul Simon endorses construction of UFO base in Chicago
Communists spotted at UIC

God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/1/87

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.