Monday, October 24, 2016

Cubs-Indians World Series could lead to the apocalypse say local pagans

Could the Cubs upcoming World Series match up with the Indians lead to the apocalypse?  Some local pagans fear that the answer is yes.

Bunny, priestess of the Bolingbrook/Naperville Pagan Meetup Circle, explained her concerns.  “Powerful spirits have used their powers to prevent both teams from winning the World Series.  Both teams have overcome their spiritual efforts, but when both groups of spirits are in the same stadium, there will be a great spiritual war.  The likes of which has never been seen since the tree spirits fought the machine spirits in the 19th Century.  We’re talking major war.  You might even see them on live TV if you are close enough.”

Moonbeam, priestess of the Chicago Pagan Windy Circle Meetup, doubts that the spirits will be visible, but fears the fallout of the matchup.  “When one team is on the verge of winning, the spirits might summon the nuclear war spirits to wake up and attack.  It will be the end of all life on Earth!  How could MLB be so reckless with our future.”

Woodchuck preset of the Deerfield Pagan Unitarian Circle, feels that nothing will happen during the game, but the effect will be seen afterwards.  “I fear that this World Series is a sign that Donald Trump will win this election and bring about an age of darkness.  Which might not be a bad thing, because science and reason always get in the way of magic and spirit worship.”

Regardless of their theories, Pagan priests from Illinois and Ohio will work together to mitigate the spiritual risks this World Series game may cause.  

“If we are lucky, the worst that will happen is a riot that destroys the winning city.” said Moonbeam.

Chuck Z. Williams, spokesperson for the Bolingbrook Skeptics, doubts that anything spiritual will happen during the game.  “All this World Series game means is if your team is competently managed, the players stay healthy, and the fans are supportive enough, they have a good chance of winning it all.  All this woo around baseball is unacceptable.  As soon as we finish purging the skeptical movement of the un-pure, we will move on to purging all woo from Baseball.

Representatives from both teams refused to comment for this story.

Also in the Babbler:

Chicago residents open fire on angel
Werebears celebrate Cubs World Series appearance 
Sources: Bolingbrook could be temporary US Capital if Trump loses
Russian special forces unit returns to Bolingbrook

God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/30/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Another message from the Creepy Clowns

We still have control of this web site.  It will be returned to the owners next Monday.  But we will never let go of Bolingbrook!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, October 10, 2016

A message from the Creepy Clowns!

We are taking over this web site for one week.  Listen to our message and you will be spared.

For years we have remained hidden in the woods!  No more.  The stars and planets have aligned.  The age of light is ending.  The new age of true laughter is upon us.  We will not be stopped.  We will not let you stop us.

Donald Trump is the orange clown promised unto the world by the great makeup artist.  Vote for Tump so that he may take to the Oval Ring and become the Ringmaster of Humanity.  We know who will defy us.  We will find you.  Repent now.  Vote for Trump!  Vote for the new age.  Those who vote will be spared the from the great laughing.  Those who oppose use will become our props!

After you vote for Trump, donate to Roger’s campaign fund.  He will become the Prince of Bolingbrook.  Those who do will be rewarded.  Those who don’t…The joke will be on you!!!!

The Creepy Clowns!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, October 3, 2016

Bolingbrook Babbler endorses Hillary Clinton for President and has a message for Mayor Claar

By Sara Langston on behalf of the entire staff of the Babbler
The Babbler hasn’t endorsed a General Electoral Presidential candidate since John Anderson in 1980.  Normally, we don’t feel the need to comment on the general election. This is not a normal election.

Donald Trump is one of the most unqualified candidates to be nominated by a major party since George W. Bush in 2000.  He encourages violence at his rallies, his speeches mainstream racism, and he has employed rebranded white supremacists on his staff, including his campaign CEO.  His performance at the first debate showed that he is not qualified to be a high school class president.  

We also cannot believe that the Chicago Tribune endorsed former Governor Gary Johnson.  We’re sure that he fun to hang out with, but his memory lapses make him a living argument against drug legalization.  His two self-proclaimed “Aleppo Moments” show that he doesn’t have the basic understanding of global affairs required of modern Presidents.  It is also odd that he believes that it is cheaper to colonize other planets than to address global warming.  For once, PZ Myers is right to say that he has a locust mentality when it comes to our planet.

That leaves us with Hillary Clinton.  She is not perfect, but she is not the right-wing caricature that has been pushed on us for the last 30 years.   She has been one of the most honest candidates during this campaign.  She is competent, experienced, and has workable ideas for this country.  Her diplomatic successes, especially her role in the Iran Nuclear Deal, show that she is a woman who is capable of running a superpower.  Our country will function under Hillary Clinton.  It will not under any other candidate in this race.  

We’ve heard that some people are supporting Trump because he will shake things up and send a protest message to the powers that be.  If humanity survives Trump, we believe that the society that will arise will be worse than the current global state.  “Thought Leaders” will use Trump’s failed Presidency as an excuse to end democracy around the world.  Instead of relinquishing control, the one percent will tighten their grip on the economy.  Instead of the revolution disgruntled Bernie Sanders supporters want, the post-Trump revolution will be closer to global corporate feudalism Sanders fears.   

Clinton is the only serious candidate for President not because she is a member of one of the two parties, but because she understand the issues that will be important for humanity’s survival in the 21st Century.  Maybe someday the Republicans will get their act together.  Maybe someday The Greens will run science-based candidates and the Libertarians will realize that running their convention like bad science fiction convention is not wise.  When major media outlets are paying attention to your convention, that is not the time to have a candidate perform a strip dance.  Until the other parties get serous, Clinton is the only serious candidate.

Finally, we need to say something about Mayor Roger Claar’s endorsement of Trump.  We understand that as a Republican leader he is expected to support the party’s nominee.  However, he could have chosen to simply declare his support and focus on state party candidates.  He didn’t.  He could have chosen to support another candidate after Jeb Bush dropped out.  Instead, he chose to support Trump.  He also chose to become a delegate to the Republican National Convention.  He also told Trump that he would vote for Trump through every round of voting if necessary.  We understand that he doesn’t directly manage the Bolingbrook Golf Club, but we don’t understand why he choose to be an organizer of a Trump fundraiser.  

Claar has thrown away his reputation as a moderate Republican. He has turned his back to our Muslim community by endorsing a candidate who wants to ban muslims from the US.  He has turned his back to our Jewish community by endorsing a candidate who retweeted an anti-semitic graphic. He has turned his back on our African American community by endorsing a candidate who posted fake crime stats on his Twitter account.  He has turned his back to the women of Bolingbrook by supporting a candidate who is awake at 3 AM posting lies about sex tapes. He has turned his back to every decent resident who can see that Trump is clearly not a normal candidate and his politics should never be normalized. 

It is our opinion that if Claar faces competent opposition next year, it won’t be because of the people behind the now defunct Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook.  It will be because he turned his back on everything that makes Bolingbrook a great place to live.

Also in the Babbler:

Babbler’s ‘non-mainstream’ reasons to oppose Donald Trump
Aliens dump coffee beans on Mayor Claar’s home to protest Trump visit
Soviets threaten to unleash hurricane on Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/6/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Web Exclusive: Ten aliens arrested at Donald Trump’s Bolingbrook fundraiser

By Reporter X
Ten aliens were arrested at Donald Trump’s fundraiser in the Bolingbrook Golf Club.  Trump never saw the aliens.

“The situation was handled as forcefully as possible without causing any of the visitors to enter a state of terminal living.”  said Don Buck, spokesperson for the Department of Paranormal Affairs.

Nine of the aliens were members of the Sentient Life for a Friendly Earth.  They are opposed to Donald Trump apparent proposal to deport all space aliens from the Earth.

“We’ve invested 20 trillion credits to improve Earth!”  Lopappa, leader of the protesters shouted at the gathering.  “He can’t kick us off this planet without full compensation!”

“Donald Trump is a Centurion-Human hybrid!”  Yelled another protester.  “Why won’t the biased Right-wing media cover that?  Just look at this orange skin!”

The tenth alien was identified by authorities as being a member of an anti-vaccine terrorist group.  Sources say their goal is to end herd immunity among humans, and then unleash deadly, but preventable, diseases to exterminate humanity.

“Tell the world that Hillary Clinton is vaccinated!”  The alien shouted towards Trump’s dressing room.  “That’s why she’s so sick.  Also promise to arrest Dr. Paul Offit!  That will win you the election!”

The aliens are being detained at Clow UFO Base for possible trial and/or execution.  

Mayor Roger Claar could not be reached for comment, but a man who sounded like him was heard talking to Trump.

“It took a lot of work to get a diverse group of people to agree to be your opening act.  I hope you’ll remember that when it comes time to refill my campaign fund.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, September 19, 2016

Bolingbrook survives first ‘EDx Talks’

Bolingbrook survived the first EDx talk, a rowdy six hour event featuring speakers shouting out “big thoughts” and obscenities.  

The event, held at the Hilton Garden Inn, was based on a Facebook post by controversial liberal blogger Ed Brayton.  All the speakers were required to shout and include obscenities.

“I loved it!”  said Paul, who asked that we not use his last name.  “Hearing all these big ideas made me feel like I was at a classy TED Talk.  Whenever a speaker cursed, I felt like I was in a smokey bar with friends.  This is the best of both worlds!”

Speeches ranged in length from a several seconds to nearly an hour.  The topics ranged from religion to Bolingbrook’s lawn maintenance laws.

Richard Carrier Ph.D. delivered the shortest speech.  “Jesus is obviously a fictional character!  I am the true voice of Atheism+! Who wants to (expletive deleted) me after this convention?”

Bolingbrook resident Janet L. Classen demanded that the Valley View School District return to year round schooling.  “Who can afford daycare in the summer?  Why do we have to be like every other (expletive deleted) school district?  This is (expletive deleted)!  Only Bonnie can save us, like she’s saving Florida!”

There was some tension when Bolingbrook resident and devout Christian Miriam X. Baker started her talk by attacking a Greta Christina article from 2013

“How dare you tell me what I can and cannot ask!  You’re taking away my freedom of speech!  (expletive deleted) you!  You are in the minority!  You must get my approval to exist!  So don’t tell me what I can and cannot ask!”

A heckler then asked her about a private bodily function.  She replied that after he dies, the devil will perform unspeakable acts upon him, then force him to fester in Hell’s sewer!  Police then escorted the heckler out of the room.

Organizers considered the event a huge success.

David X. Parker, said they were worried they event wouldn’t go off.  “When we read Ed’s post.  We were excited, and started planning an ‘x’ version of his idea.  You know, just like TEDx is the amateur version of the main TED talks.  Then we found out that Ed was joking and that there wasn’t going to be an ED Talk.  But we were too far along to quit, and I’m glad we didn’t quit.  People loved this!”

Brayton, however, did not like the event.  At the start of his Facebook chat, he started out at the audience for a few seconds.  “I can’t believe you guys actually took me seriously. This is (expletive deleted)!”

He then suggested that in the future, the organizers should organize a fundraiser for Foundation Beyond Belief.

When reached for further comment, Brayton expressed his dislike for the Babbler. “Congratulations!  You just made my list of fake news sites.  Now none of my followers will believe anything you post!”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook police defuse stink bomb
Palatine survives having transgendered residents
Atheist TV to film series in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/22/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Bolingbrook braces for Donald Trump’s visit

Editor’s Note:  Donald Trump will be at the Bolingbrook Golf Club on September 28 for a fundraiser.  Our reporters gathered the following stories about his upcoming visit.
Bolingbrook’s opposition parties to join Trump Protest

Three of Bolingbrook’s opposition parties will join the planned protest of Donald Trump’s fundraiser on Monday.

Anne X. Maples of the Skepchick Party, says her party is enthusiastic about the upcoming protest. “Not only is Donald Trump a misogynist and a racist, but he is anti-vaccine, and doesn’t believe in the science of climate change.  This man doesn’t deserve to be the leader of the Free World, let alone be the host of a leading reality show.  Our party intends to show the world that Bolingbrook is pro-science and pro-women!”

Paul K. Pinsker, member of the Zero Tax Party, says Trump has no business in Bolingbrook.  “Bolingbrook is a success story among Chicago’s suburbs.  Donald Trump is a loser who can’t even run a successful business.  If he followed our plan to generate infinite revenue in Bolingbrook through zero taxes, he would still find a way to bankrupt Bolingbrook.”

Jay P. Lowe of the Draft Ed Rosenthal Party, says his party also intends to protest Mayor Roger Claar’s involvement in the fundraiser.  “Sure Roger is a Republican, that doesn’t mean he had to be a delegate for Trump, or host a fundraiser in Bolingbrook for him.  By actively supporting Donald Trump, Roger has dived headfirst into the basket of deplorable Trump supporters!  Only Ed can save us from the total embarrassment Roger has brought to Bolingbrook.”

Only one Bolingbrook political party, The Revolutionary Communist Party of Bolingbrook, say it supports the fundraiser.

“A Donald Trump victory will lead to a worker’s upraising which we will then co-opt!”  said Comrade X.

Weredeer vow to protect fundraiser.

Rural weredeer vow to ‘protect’ Trump fundraiser

A spokesperson for the Rural Weredeer Militia of Will County say they will “help” guard Donald Trump’s fundraiser.

Said Brett, “Any opportunity to insult feminists and punch weak men is too good to pass up.  Donald Trump events have a reputation for being aggressive!  We intend to keep that reputation.”

Brett said that members of the militia have been practicing “Trump-Fu” in their human forms.  If “pushed by feminists,” they intend to shape-shift into the more aggressive “wardeer” form.

“Feminists made us this way!  Since we can’t mate with each other, we have to mate with humans and deer.  We’re sick of mating with deer!  We want to add some human stock to the mix.  Feminists tell other women to stay away from us.  We’re really nice men, but if more women don’t start mating with us, we’re not going to be nice.”

Brett added that Trump is a hero among rural weredeer.  “We love the way he treats women.  If he lets us inside, we’ll make him an honorary weredeer!”

Aliens arrested for attempting to blackmail Trump

By Reporter X

Men in Blue arrested two aliens who threatened to release Donald Trump’s abduction records.  The records include medical exams and psychological profiles of Trump.  The aliens promised to destroy their copies if Trump canceled his fundraiser.

Jill Z. Branford of the Department of Interstellar Affairs praised the arrest.  “In Bolingbrook, you cannot get away with blackmailing a VIP.  Especially if that VIP is a friend of Roger.”

Zygobz, legal representative for the alleged hackers, accused the department of racism and sexism.  “If Russian hackers leak information about Hillary Clinton, they’re heroes.  If aliens hackers leak information about Donald Trump, they’re arrested.  What does that tell you?”

As they suspects were escorted to the judge, they chanted, “Dump Trump! Bump Pence!”

Bail has been set at 1 Billion Interstellar Credits.

Also in the Babbler:

Psychics haunted by ghost of Anti-Psychic Kitty
Palatine police searching for ghost burglar 
Will County judge throws out lawsuit against UFO crew
God to Smite Bolingbrook on 9/17/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.