Monday, August 25, 2014

Bolingbrook ISIS operative insists he’s a ‘nice guy’

Not all members of Islamic State (ISIS) decapitate journalists or force Christians to pay a religion tax, says an operative who lives in Bolingbrook.

Al Raider Mohammad, the name Toby preferred we use during the interview, accused the Western media of stereotyping ISIS members.

“I haven’t killed any journalists or invaded any cities.  Really, I’m a nice guy.  Why won’t the Western media give equal time to members like me?”

Mohammad claims to be part of the ISIS social media team.  According to him, his job is to take pictures around the Chicago area and post them on ISIS’s various social media accounts.

“My last picture is all over the Internet!”  Toby proudly boasted.  “There’s no way I could make that kind of impact at a PR agency.  I’m in the big leagues.  I’m so big, Internet trolls are afraid to go after me!”

Though many residents were frightened by Toby’s picture, he insists ISIS currently has no plans to attack the Chicago area.

“Sure 9/11 had great visuals, but that was an expensive operation to pull off.  You don’t get to be one of the richest Jihadist groups by spending money like crazy.  No, what we’re hoping to do is to use Social Media to generate the same level of fear in the US as 9/11 caused, but for a fraction of the cost.”

Once Americans are frightened, he expects the US to elect Republicans and impeach President Obama.

“Once the right people are in power, they might attack us at first, but then they’ll get bored, and start attacking our enemies.  Once they invade countries like Jordan and Iran, we’ll have them right where we want them.  The former citizens of those countries will hate the US occupiers, and will turn to the Islamic State for help.  We’ll get US forces bogged down in an endless series of guerrilla wars  and before you know it, we’ll own the hearts and minds of the Islamic World.  Then we’ll have a true, global Caliphate!  One that I helped create!”

Toby, who is of European decent, claims to be a recent convert to Islam.  A conversion that happened after he joined ISIS.  He says before joining ISIS, he was a nondenominational Christian.

“At the time, I thought we were a true christian nation, the Jews have their own nation, and the Hindu’s have their own nation.  Why can’t the Islamists have their own nation and not some random map drawn up by colonial imperialists?”

Toby learned that the more he learned about Islam, the more he liked it.

“I thought it was a totally different religion, but I was wrong.  Islam is the sequel to the New Testament!  It’s the “Iron Man 3” of Allah’s word.  Plus I didn’t realize how closely our beliefs matched!  We agree that women have too many rights in the West.  We agree that we should respect the divine, and we both hate Richard Dawkins.  Soon, I realized that I had to get on board and submit to Allah.”

Toby says he doesn’t know that the future holds for him, but he doubts that he will be called take up arms against America.

“I was going to sneak into Iraq, but then Mohammad appeared to me in a dream.  He said I should trust him, and stick to the online jihad.  Then he commanded me to never read blog posts by Hena and Haib!  I said I would.  I also said that I would make Bolingbrook police so frightened that they would buy tanks and always point their guns at the residents.  I still hope to keep that promise!”

After the interview, the NSA sent a text to this reporter saying they were "monitoring the situation in Bolingbrook.  We also like your taste in porn.”

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook to mine asteroids for water
CFI feline fellows complain about Chicago heat
Soviets threaten Chicago with more thunderstorms

God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/28/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Bolingbrook Mayor Claar to aliens: Stay out of Ferguson!

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar announced that aliens will not be allowed outside of Clow UFO base if they intend to travel to Ferguson, MO.  He said he made the decision after hearing about aliens trying to rent cars as a way to avoid the UFO no-fly zone imposed over Missouri and Southern Illinois.

“I know many of you want to help, and a few of you want to cause trouble.” Claar announced during a teleconference with Clow’s visitors and residents aliens.  “But there’s a reason Ferguson is off limits.  Our highways are already too crowded.  I also had to assure my friend Bob that you wouldn’t rent all of his cars.  It is still too dangerous for aliens to be searched by TSA agents.  Now I don’t need to offend any reptoids in the audience, but all it takes is one shapeshifter to turn a simple insurrection into a full blown war!  I won’t have it.  You cannot use my UFO base to get to Ferguson!”

Many aliens expressed their anger at Claar’s decision.

Said Lok Posok of the Trilock Union, “We want to help the residents of this artificial collection of buildings get the justice they deserve!  We want to help, and we want to do more than abduct teenagers and post on their Twitter accounts!  We want to go there!”

Dogok, who refused to provide more information, said that he hoped to supply weapons to Ferguson’s residents.

“Sure non-violence has its uses, but sometimes you need some good old fashioned firepower to get your peace and justice!  If your Tea party isn’t going to stand up against government aggression, then I should help out.”

Dogok added that he was unable to get his weapons to Ferguson.

“You can never find a good 53’ trailer and driver when you need one.”

Claar tried to reassure the aliens that their concerns were being addressed.

“The two skeptical ambassador organizations have heard your concerns.  Center for Inquiry’s Ron Lindsay released a statement without getting it cleared first.  Now let me tell you, he’s taking a big risk for you guys by shooting from the hip like that.  It’s a risk he’s willing to take because he shares your concerns.  Skepchick sent a representative to Ferguson last weekend.  I hope you’ll think that she walked on your behalf, because I’m not letting any of you near Ferguson if I can help it!”

Shortly after Claar’s speech, five aliens were arrested trying to fire rockets at the Ferguson Police command center.

Their lawyer, Solg, says his clients did nothing wrong.

“They wanted to participate in the human game of firing rockets at a superior military force.  They meant no harm.”

Claar also spoke with alien representatives and promised to present their concerns to the New World Order.

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook rejects gift of Battle Mecha
UFO accident cancels Air and Water Show
Skeptics question emotions

God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/22/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Aliens charged with kidnaping 8 Oberweis cows

By Reporter X

Security officers at Bolingbrook Clow UFO Base  arrested a UFO crew after discovering 8 missing cows in their craft.  The cows were from a farm that supplies milk to the Oberweis stores.

“In less than 24 hours, the cows went from being kidnapped to being recovered and safely returned to their farms.”  Said Paul Z. Likeman, spokesperson for Clow UFO Base.

Likeman claims that the crew kidnaped the cows with the intention of breeding them on their home planet.  The crew would then sell the cow’s milk on their home world, without paying a franchise fee to Oberweis Dairy.

According to an eyewitness who works in the Bolingbrook Oberweis, one of the accused aliens was a frequent customer.

“One day, she asked if our milk would be safe to drink after 10 years in storage.  I told her, probably not because our customers want fresh milk, fresh from the farm, fresh in your mail box, and fresh when you drink it!  We don’t prepare it to last years, or even months.  She said that was an unacceptable answer, and walked away.  I didn’t think much about it at the time, since we get all kinds of characters from Clow UFO Base.  All of them legal aliens, of course!”

Kogoo, the crew’s legal representative, said his clients weren’t guilty, and is prepared to defend them until their names are cleared, or until they can no longer pay his legal fees.

“All visitors collect bovine specimens when they visit Clow UFO Base.  My clients just happened to collect cows prized by Jim Oberweis, who is running for US Senate.  This perpetual Chicagoland politician is using his political connections with Mayor Roger Claar to steal the rightfully collected cows from my clients!”

Kogoo also announced that he had hired members of the Bolingbrook Skeptics to launch a social media campaign to pressure Clow officials to release.  A member of the group, who wore a hood to conceal his identity, explained his reason for defending the aliens.

“These aliens thought they were operating in a grey area of the law!  They were only caught because they worked with a biological smugger who is selling them out for a lesser sentence.  Even if the cows were ‘stolen’ it’s OK, because they belonged to a corporation.  We skeptics know it is no big deal to steal from a corporation.  It’s not like the farmers were harmed.  They can just breed new cows!  Anyway, the point is these aliens are just as innocent as Brian Dunning is!”

Oberweis was on the campaign trail, and could not be reached for comment.  Though a spokesperson did speak to this reporter anonymously.

“We will find a way to tie this to Sen. Dick Durbin!

Also in The Babbler:
Babbler moves to Mondays
UFO rides return to Bolingbrook Jubilee
Rest in Peace Robin Williams

God to spare Bolingbrook this week

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, August 4, 2014

Homeopaths prepare Bolingbrook for possible ebola outbreak

If the Ebola virus makes its way to Bolingbrook, local homeopaths will be ready.

“Residents are scared.”  Said Bolingbrook homeopath Sylvia.  “So I hope my products will give them a temporary sense of security.  When that runs out, they can always buy more!”

Homeopathy is a controversial alternative medicine practice created in the 19th Century.  Homeopaths create their treatments by first determining what how they want to affect the patient, and then finding a substance that normally has the opposite affect.  For example, if a homeopath wanted to create a sleeping aid, they would use caffeine.  The homeopath will then take a small portion of the substance, add distilled water, and then shake the water 10 times against an elastic surface.  Then the homeopath will take a small drop of that liquid, put it in a new bottle of distilled water, and repeat the process.  Most homeopaths will repeat the process about thirty times before giving the solution to their patients.  

“The more you distill it, the less likely you are to remain sick.”  Explained Sylvia.

Critics contend that homeopathic substances are so diluted, they no longer contain the original substance.  Skeptics contend that homeopathic products are just expensive placebos.  Supporters counter that homeopathy works because of quantum physics.

Says Bolingbrook Homeopath Doug Z. Parker, “I don’t care what the so-called scientific studies say, I can think of examples of my treatments working.  If they work for them, maybe they’ll work for you.”

Parker stresses the importance of Bolingbrook residents stocking up on his solutions.

“You’ve heard politicians saying that there are thousands of infected illegal aliens massing on our borders for Obama to give the signal to march into our country.  Do you trust big Pharma to protect you from Obama’s Ebola army?  Do you want your money going to Switzerland or do you want to support local organic businesses?  I think the choice is clear.”

Both homeopaths promise to sell their solutions for around $30 a bottle.  Parker also sells sugar pills that have been dipped in his solutions.

“You won’t believe how something so sweet can be so good for you in a crisis.”

An anonymous source inside Bolingbrook’s village hall, said that while the village support local businesses, residents shouldn’t panic over a possible Ebola outbreak just yet.

“Ebola has been confined to Africa since it was discovered in 1976.  Sure it is deadly, but only about 5,000 people have died from it.  Contrast that with malaria, which killed 660,000 people in 2010 alone.  There’s very little chance of it coming to Bolingbrook.”

When asked to comment, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar replied, “If you think you have Ebola, get to Adventist Hospital immediately!  That’s why we went to the trouble of building our own hospital!  If you know someone with Ebola, don’t touch their body fluids, wash your hands often, and get them to Adventist immediately!  Once they’re in an isolation unit, then you can give them a bottle of a homeopathic solution!”

Also in The Babbler:

Lost tribes offer Earth jews their own planet
Chicago officials fear rise of algae monster in Lake Michigan
Bloggers promises to lecture Chicago area skeptics about empathy

God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/8/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Alien ambassadors praise Ophelia Benson and Richard Dawkins’s anti-harassment statement

By Reporter X

Ambassadors at Clow UFO Base praised columnist Ophelia Benson and Professor Richard Dawkins for releasing a joint statement condemning harassment within the secular and skeptical communities.

The two leaders released the following statement at a press conference at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, in response harassment campaigns against secular feminists by secular anti-feminists.  

  It’s not news that allies can’t always agree on everything. People who rely on reason rather than dogma to think about the world are bound to disagree about some things.
"Ophelia Benson at CFI WIS-May 18 2012" by BDEngler 

  Disagreement is inevitable, but bullying and harassment are not. If we want secularism and atheism to gain respect, we have to be able to disagree with each other without trying to destroy each other.  In other words we have to be able to manage disagreement ethically, like reasonable adults, as opposed to brawling like enraged children who need a nap. It should go without saying, but this means no death threats, rape threats, attacks on people’s appearance, age, race, sex, size, haircut; no photoshopping people into demeaning images, no vulgar epithets.
  Richard adds: I’m told that some people think I tacitly endorse such things even if I don’t indulge in them. Needless to say, I’m horrified by that suggestion. Any person who tries to intimidate members of our community with threats or harassment is in no way my ally and is only weakening the atheist movement by silencing its voices and driving away support.

File photo of Richard Dawkins
La Gost, Control Leader of the Interstellar Alliance for the Advancement of Science, praised Benson and Dawkins for working together.

“For humanity to be accepted into greater interstellar community, it must renounce primitive religions, learn empathy, and embrace critical thinking.  We had tasked Earth’s secular community to work towards this goal.  Your so-called deep rifts have hampered your efforts.  This joint statement is a step in the right direction.”

During the conference, other ambassadors praised the two secular activists.

Said the Kiaylom ambassador, “During our process of transcending gender roles, we realized that simply ignoring gender wasn’t enough.  We had to deal with our sexism and Cis-genderism.  It was a painful, but worth while path.  We are glad to see your movement is starting on this path.”

Said Dogok of the Sardar Confederation, “This is great!  I look forward to the day I can read both Freethought Blogs and Richard Dawkins without fear of upsetting your secular community!”

Dawkins and Benson denied that the statement was related to their organizations’ efforts to be recognized as ambassadors from Earth’s skeptical movement.

Said Benson, “Freethought Blogs has an excellent working relationship with Skepchick and Center for Inquiry.  While we’d like to be ambassadors in our own right, it is not a requirement.  This statement came about because Richard and I agree there is a problem in our community that needed to be addressed.

Added Dawkins, “After I was removed from the Interstellar Internet, I had some time for reflection.  I didn’t understand why La Gost kept saying I needed to do more for the secular community.  I created the New Atheist Movement.  What more could I do?  Ophelia showed me the immature members of our community who were creating problems.  We needed to make this statement, and I don’t care how that affects my foundation’s application!”

There were two disruptions during the conference.  The first occurred when the alien christians and aliens muslims started chanting that Benson and Dawkins would go to hell spreading disbelief on Earth.  The protestors were escorted out of the room, and no arrests were made.  The second occurred when and alien general stood up and called Dawkins a traitor.  

“I brought my fleet here so we could join your civil war!  I was told you were going annihilate those who opposed you.  Now I’m here, and I see you surrendering!  You are a disgrace to all men in the Universe!  Down with the feminism that gives women too much freedom!  Down with the FTB bullies!”

The general vanished before he could be arrested.

At the end of the conference, Benson picked up a football and asked Dawkins if he would kick it.

“This is in reference to the American Peanuts comic, isn’t it.”  Asked Dawkins.

“Yes it is.”  She replied.  “Only I won’t pull the ball away at the last second.”

“Good.”  Dawkins replied.

After she set up the ball, Dawkins said, “I cannot kick this to the Moon, but I kick it as far as I can.”

With the audience in suspense, Dawkins ran towards the football.  He kick the ball and it flew into a fire alarm button.  The room was soon filled with fire suppression chemicals.

“I let you kick it.”  Benson said as she cleared eyes of the chemical.

“That you did.”  Replied Dawkins.

Also in The Babbler:

Vaccinated children from Central America shame Will County parents
Transcended beings trash movie Lucy
Psychics predict The Bears won’t win the Super Bowl
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/1/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Manchester Mumbler: Professor Richard Dawkins suspended from the Interstellar Internet

The following is from our sister publication, The Manchester Mumbler, out of Manchester, UK.  The spelling has been Americanized.  

MI 68a today revoked Professor Richard Dawkins’ access to the Tachyon Information Exchange Network, or the so-called “Interstellar Internet.”

 A man who claims to be the spokesperson for the Richard Dawkins Foundation denounced the decision.

“Professor Dawkins admits to no wrong doing, and suspects that this is the result of a conspiracy by members of the Islamic and feminist communities!  While he denounces the British Government’s decision to back down to ISIS and Skepchick, he will not fight the suspension for the sake of greater peace in the skeptical community.”

According to sources within the MI 68a, Dawkins will be suspended from the Network for five years, unless he can provide notes from three psychologists that he will “responsibly use the network for the advancement of human knowledge.”

A statement from MI 68a read, “While Richard Dawkins is a brilliant biologist, we feel that he is a dunce when it comes to interstellar relations.  We hope he will spend the next five years educating himself on proper interstellar etiquette.”

The MI 68a sources say the problem started when Dawkins started sending short, insulting, messages over the network.

To the ambassador of Pluto, he messaged, “Just because you live on a sphere, does not automatically make it a planet.  Can lice claim that a human head is planet because it is round?”

He sent messages about Gliese 581G.

“It’s too bad this planet doesn’t exist.  I wanted to send all the Islamists there, and no, that does not make me racist!  Islam is not a race, and therefore I am free to use British common sense when talking about them.”

When an alien merchant told Dawkins that Gliese 581G is a real planet and a popular tourist attraction, Dawkins replied, “Be offended, because I will take the word of an Earth scientist over an alien simpleton!  Science is always superior, no matter what world you say you are from.”

The sources confirm that MI 68a decided that Dawkins went too far when he started “flirting” with a member of the anti-vaccination terrorist group KukPu’K.  KukPu’k is accused distributing anti-vaccination propaganda on “primitive worlds” until the civilization loses heard immunity.  Then they release a deadly disease  that normally would be kept in check with vaccinations.

According to the sources, Dawkins started promoting a video from a KuPu’K member who was wearing a wig of human blonde hair.  In the video, the alien has a pretend conversation where the insane person argues that muslims be given vaccinations, while the reasonable position is that muslims shouldn’t receive vaccines because they are terrorists, anti-science, and secretly want to take over the world.

“This woman speaks more sense than all of YouTube combined!”  Dawkins allegedly messaged.

Said one source, “That is when he went over the line!  Normally, a human can be framed for a crime against humanity for even appearing to support KuPu’K.  Since he’s Richard Dawkins, he was just suspended from the network.”

When reached for comment, Dawkins denied that he ever had access to the “Interstellar Internet.”  

“Now that I think about, I guess I am privileged.  Most Doctor Who fans would pay almost anything just to get their picture taken with Romana.  Not only am I married to her, but I can date other women too!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Letters to the editor 7/13/14 Edition

Reader’s Editor Doug Fields here.  It’s been awhile since we’ve had a decent batch of letter to print.  I guess our readers are recovering from the storms and flooding over the past month.  Understandable.  One must be totally focused on their writing if they want to get past me, or write something so horrible that it must be published as a warning to others.

Which brings us to the James Randi Educational Foundation.  They’ve been excited since the release of their documentary about famed skeptic James Randi.  Now it’s the conclusion of their annual conference and I’m sure the remaining staff are fired up, as well as their followers.  They must be so fired up because that is the only reason I can think of for why we’re receiving a bunch of incomplete form letters from Las Vegas.

To (insert name of editor or blogger): 
Why are did you (write an unapproved article/rage blog) about The Amazing Meeting?  Why did you focus on the (insert photo or speech that offended feminists/followers of woo)?  We are part of a proud tradition that includes (insert name of famous ancient philosopher), (Insert the name of one of the four horsemen of atheism), James Randi, and (insert a woman/minority name if you can think of one)!  Don’t focus on the irrational hate fostered by (select Skepchick or Freethought Blogs)!  Focus on us!  The true skeptics!  The true (any word but worshipers/followers) of James Randi! 
Now that we have (any word but purged) the fake skeptics from our ranks, we are stronger and more united than ever!  Followers of (any euphemism for feminism) fear us online!  We are driving modern day woo off the Internet! We cannot and will not be stopped! 
Why don’t you stop hiding behind your (blog/publication) and face us?  We invited Deepak Chopra to speak at TAM 2015.  We’re inviting you to speak too.  You have not excuse not to speak to us?  What could you be afraid of?  Do you fear us because we have an unofficial wild party that has bacon, doughnuts and strippers?  Are you afraid because we don’t hold back our passion for reason and our rage against (any other word to describe Misandry)? Are you afraid of the constant (debate/criticism/facts/challenge/reasoned discussion) you’ll have to deal with every single day of TAM!  Well if you have any doubts about addressing us, then you should shut up and listen to us! 
(Add your own statement) 
(Your Name)
Sounds like inviting, but we’ll pass.  Though we will admit it is clever to try to use Chopra’s followers to boost attendance at TAM.

Speaking of skeptics, here is a Chicago area skeptic, who we doubt is a member of Chicago Skeptics.
To the Editor: 
The media keeps saying that Chicago has a shooting problem!  We’ll I’ve never been shot at in the years I’ve lived in Chicago.  My Chicago friends have never been shot at.  So why does the media keep reporting this? 
I’ll tell you why!  It’s a conspiracy!  The gun companies want to sell more guns in Chicago.  The mayor wants residents so afraid that they’ll support any gun law he proposes.  Together they seed the media with fake stories.  The media, desperate for stories that will draw an audience, runs these stories.  Now we have a situation where everyone is afraid of Chicago!
Well I’m not afraid.  Next weekend I’m going to march around the South side of Chicago wearing a shirt that says, “I feel safe in Chicago!  I’m not a North Sider.  I’m not a South Sider.  I am a Chicagoan!” 
Who wants to join me? 
(Name withheld by request)

I think we’ll pass.  Maybe Chicago shooting denier is a better term for this reader.

Do you think you have what it takes to get your letter printed in The Babbler.  Send us an e-mail at BolingbrookBabbler at gmail dot com.  Anyone can leave a comment, but only a select few can have a published letter to the editor!

Also in The Babbler:

Soviets successfully cancel Taste of Chicago
Department of Interstellar Affairs insists Bolingbrook’s alien invasion alert system works
Rosemont braces for invasion of secular humanists

God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/19/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.