Monday, June 27, 2016

Manchester Mumbler: New World Order to close English and Welsh UFO Bases

By Reporter Zed

The New World Order announced the closing of all UFO bases in England and Wales just days after the controversial Brexit victory. 

NWO Second Observer John Hammer announced the decision.  “It is clear to us that if these two countries cannot be a part of the European Union, they cannot be a part of a greater interstellar community.  In other words, xenophobia means no more access to aliens!”

Hammer announced that the bases would be closed over the next two years.  Employees at the current bases would be given the opportunity to relocate to Scotland, which voted to remain in the European Union.  Hammer did not say how many jobs the two nations would lose, or how many new jobs would be created in Scotland.

Hammer also hinted that new bases could be opened in Northern Ireland.  “The New World Order will make it worth your trouble if there are no more troubles.”

Paul, an operative with M68a, confirmed that the closure of the bases would lead to a reduction in the number of paid skeptics.  He said that not as many would be needed in the United Kingdom, and that the New World Order would tolerate some sightings as a way to improve the Scottish tourism industry, following the death of the Loch Ness Monster.

“Unless you are a skeptic named Richard Dawkins, Richard Wiseman, or Hayley Stevens, consider yourself in the queue for possible right-sizing.”

Also discussed at the press conference:

  • Hammer blamed the Priory of Sion for the success of the Leave campaign.  “Britain was on the verge of uniting the world, but their leaders listened to their lies and dismantled the empire.  We offered them the chance to be part of a united world, but they listened to the Priory’s lies again.  So have fun with your hyper-inflation and worthless pension funds!”
  • The NWO currently has no plans to allow Scotland to annex Manchester and Liverpool.  “Such a move would make the sheeple suspicious, and we can’t have that.” said Hammer.
  • When asked about Labour Party leader Jermey Corbyn, the NWO officials smiled.  Paul then said, “We thought it would be funny a year ago to get him elected.  Now the joke is stale.”

Also in the Manchester Mumbler:

The Page Three Sheep is back!
Cryptozoologists try to clone Nessie
MP demands a Trident missile be fired at Trump Tower
King Arthur to return on 30/6/16 

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, June 20, 2016

Game of Thrones fans riot at Clow UFO Base

Did this scene from Game of Throne inspire aliens to riot?
By Reporter X

Warning:  Spoilers for the Game of Thrones Episode: Battle of the Bastards.

Over 100 aliens rioted at Clow UFO Base following the broadcast of the most recent Game of Thrones episode.  Clow reports75 arrests and an undisclosed amount of damage to the base.

A source connected to Clow’s security team said blamed Clow officials for the fans getting out of control.  “Most of our team was so busy focusing on the NBA Finals watching parties, that we forgot about the Game of Thrones watching parties.”

Initially, the parties were peaceful.  Gol Paco, from Alpha Centauri, said she spent most of her savings to make the trip to Clow.  “HBO Interstellar doesn’t show first run episodes of Game of Thrones. I watched the first eight episodes of this season thanks to smugglers.  When they the authorities killed them, I was mad, because I wanted to see how this season ends.  So I had to make the trip.”

After the episode ended, many aliens took to the corridors to celebrate the Stark family’s victory against sadistic ruler Ramsay Bolton.  One reveler yelled, “After six years, something good finally happened to the Starks! I no longer feel guilty for watching the Starks suffer!”

According to some eyewitnesses, the violence began when some aliens started drinking goat cheese shakes.  

Said another source connect to the security team, “The show said that fermented goat’s milk makes humans drunk.  It also makes some of our visitors very drunk and violent.”  

Eyewitnesses aren’t not sure if the riot started over an argument about why Rickon ran in a straight line as Ramsay shot arrows, or whether Yara Stark should marry Daenerys Targaryen.  At some point, the fans started smashing windows and setting Segways on fire.

“Winter is coming!”  One rioter yelled.  “Let’s start a fire!”

Using a combination of riot foam and physical restraint by the Men in Blue, the Riot ended after 15 minutes.  Several were injured, but there were no reported fatalities.

A lawyer for one of the accused rioters vowed to get her client off on First Amendment grounds.

“That particular section of Clow is managed by the United States government, and that means my client has the right to do anything as long has he is saying something!  My client was saying how much he loves Game of Thrones.  So I call upon Mayor Roger Claar to apologize for arresting him.  UFO bases can burn.  The Constitution is sacred!”

When reached for comment, Claar replied, “I’m sorry, I’m not a fan of Iron Man.  We are talking about the Marvel shows, right?”

Sources at Clow say they will allow for viewing parties of the season finale, but promise tighter security during the broadcast.

Also in The Babbler

Richard Carrier banned from Clow UFO Base
Werewolves celebrate first full moon of the summer
Palatine vows to have one police officer for every resident
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/25/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Never forget

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Monday, June 6, 2016

Dr. Gorski and Orac seen together for the first time

Dr. Gorski and Orac photographed together for the first time.

Eyewitness at a Reason Rally after party fundraiser in Washington DC claim to have seen bloggers Dr. David Gorski and Orac on the same stage.

Said one eyewitness, “I wanted to say, ‘Oh my God!’ but I didn’t because I don’t believe in God.”

This public appearance could finally dispel rumors that the two science based medicine bloggers are the same person.  Their first public appearance was for an exclusive fundraiser for feline cancer research.  It was in honor of Anti-psychic Kitty, a feline fellow at the Chicago Center for Inquiry, who died of cancer this year.

According to the eyewitnesses, Gorski gave a 15 minute talk about the current state of feline cancer research.  Then he spoke warmly about his e-mail exchanges with APK, who, like the other feline fellows, had human level intelligence.

“He was a sweet cat, and alway wrote the nicest e-mail to me.  He even offered to use his anti-psychic powers to kill a psychic and leave him or her on my doorstep.  I guess that’s a sign of love from a cat.”

After the speech, Cassie, another feline fellow, gave a 15 minute introductory speech for Orac.  Orac then walked on stage wearing a full head mask and trench coat.  He then proceeded to give a 45 minute speech slamming “quackademia” in veterinary medicine.  

“When an animal is in pain, you should give it medicine.  Don’t give it water and pretend the pet is getting better!  I don’t blame some pet caregivers for trying alternatives to actually treating pain.  I blame vets who victimize poor animal and blind caregivers with woo!  It’s stories like this that remind me why homeopathy is one of the most important things to oppose!  There’s a special place on my blog for the respectful insolence these quacks deserve!”

After his speech, Orac walked off to a standing ovation.  Andy, the other surviving feline fellow then jumped on the podium and entertained the audience for 10 minutes by tossing a shiny ball in the air.  

Finally, he stopped and said, “You’re about to see history!”  The audience cheered as Orac and Gorski walked on the stage at the same time.  

“We just proved Natural News wrong again.”  Said Gorski.

Beth, who asked that we not use her last name, also witnessed the historic moment.  “At first, I thought Orac shrank between finishing his speech, and coming back on stage.  Then I realized I was anomaly hunting, and that would make me a bad skeptic.  I’m not a bad skeptic, so I had to conclude that I really did see Orac and Dr. Gorski on stage at the same time.”

“When reached for comment, a spokesperson for CFI denied the event happened, and that they are caring for super-intelligent felines.

In the background, a man could be heard saying, “Don’t worry, Lyz.  We know you did the best you could with such short notice.  We’ll just have our surrogates blame PZ Myers for the low attendance.  Then we’ll give you four years to plan the 2020 Reason Rally.  We know you’ll do a great job with it!”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens celebrate as Clinton clinches nomination
Sanders begs New World Order to appoint him President
MRAs demand all male version of Fried Green Tomatoes
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/9/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, May 30, 2016

Interstellar Jews visit Chicagoland to study Earth’s religions

Twenty teenagers from a solar system colonized by the lost tribes of Israel visited Chicagoland to meet with local religious leaders.  The visit is part of their confirmation education.
Instructor Jacob Asher explained the program.  “Since we reestablished contact with Erets in 2012, we’ve brought our adolescents here to learn about our history, and the history of religions here.  We don’t want to force our kids to believe anything.  Instead, we think that once they experience other religions, they will embrace our secular judaism.”

Asher said the churches, synagogues, and mosques they visited in Chicago were welcoming, but some leaders were suspicious.

“One person said she was confused because she thought the Kol Hadash class had already visited.  I told her that we were with the Beth Chaverim confirmation class.  They bought it.”

One student, Bethe, said their was an incident at Christian church.

“My friend Lynda told the minister she thought Christianity was stupid, and it was just a bunch of gentiles who were jealous of our culture.  The minister recited a quote about only fools not believing in God.  She said she could prove him wrong. Bloy!  Lynda punched him, then said, ‘Jesus forgive me.’  Then she punched him again and said, ‘Jesus forgive me. Now your God has forgiven me.  Are you going to?’  Fortunately, we don’t believe in that, and we made her atone.”

Rebekka said she was worried when they visited Masjid Al-Islan in Bolingbrook.  “They were really nice.  I don’t why Donald Trump wants to ban them.  Still, I didn’t agree with their argument for God.  I guess its more for people who think you should pray to a god more than once a night.”

A rabbi, who asked not to be identified, described his meeting with the class as polite but tense.  “We did not get off to a good start. They greeted me by saying, ‘shalom shabbat.  I told them the correct version was ‘Shabbat shalom.’  One student said I was wrong.  Me?  Wrong?  I think the space radiation went to their heads.”

The students concluded their visit with a trip to the Illinois Holocaust Museum and Eduction Center.

“That was moving.” said Rebekka.  “It’s one thing to follow a religion’s practices, like spending all of the Sabbath in a sleep tube.  It’s another thing to kill over a religion.  I’m still working out what I believe, but when I do, I hope it doesn’t involve killing people who disagree with me.”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar remembers the forgotten victims of the Bolingbrook Time War
Zombies rise in honor of Memorial Day
Clow UFO Base practices for mass exodus in case of Trump victory
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/2/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, May 23, 2016

We get letters: The godless are not amused

by Doug Fields
Reader’s Editor

It is summer time.  For most God-fearing Americans, it’s vacation time.  For the godless, it’s convention season.  Conventions allow them to come together and harness their collective energy to block out God’s love.  (Our webmaster might disagree with that, but that’s another article.)

Oddly enough, this has inspired atheists, to use the PC term, to write letters to us.

This first letter about the American Humanist Association, which just happens to be holding a convention in Chicago.
To the Editor: 
Now I don’t believe in the atheist movement, and I don’t follow their so-called leaders.  When I heard that they were splintering into four groups, I was displeased.  The outraged Social Justice Warriors have asserted their dogma into Humanism, by forcing the creation of a black group, a female group, and a gay group!  I don’t want Atheism+ in my humanism.  I want a humanism that only focuses on the fact that there is no god, and each of us can do whatever we want!
David X. Garrett
Bolingbrook, OH
First of all, there is no such place as Bolingbrook, OH, but we can let that slide.

Second of all, you’re wrong.  Not only about the existence of God, you are also wrong but about humanism.  All of the Humanist Manifestos aren’t that far removed from the Communist Manifesto, if I may say so.  Even the more moderate Humanist Manifesto III contains the line, “We seek to minimize the inequities of circumstance and ability, and we support a just distribution of nature's resources and the fruits of human effort so that as many as possible can enjoy a good life.”

Our webmaster also says that AHA is not splintering.  Their social justice coordinator, Sincere Kirabo, goes into greater detail than I have the space for.  Our webmaster also adds, “Mr. Garrett isn’t standing up to Atheism+.  He’s advocating for Humanism-.”  Whatever that means.

Back to the subject of conventions, apparently a lot of godless New Yorkers were upset by a speaker at one of their conventions, and they felt the need to tell us.  A lot of the letters looked the same, which raised my suspicions.  They were confirmed when someone accidentally sent us the original template.
To the Editor:
I just (read about, heard about, actually listened to) John Horgan’s speech at the Northeast Conference on Science and Skepticism.  I am (any word, but avoid words that convey emotion, like “angry” or “outraged”).  Doesn’t he understand that we might fight belief in Bigfoot because (it promotes environmental policies that our biggest donors don’t like, forces skeptical shows off science cable channels, will bring about a dark age)?  Doesn’t he understand that Homeopathy (diverts money away from our organizations, promotes a foolish form of quantum physics, will bring about a dark age)?  Doesn’t he understand that UFO believers (end up committing suicide, are just like Christians, are working to bring about another dark age)?  (Obligatory slam of PZ Myers).  (Unfavorable comparison of John Horgan to Social Justice Warriors).  (Mention a great man in science) and John is not like (that man).  Listen to any great skeptical thinker, like (link to Orac blog post or Dr. Steven Novella’s blog post) to learn just how much of a poor thinker he is. John actually believes (world peace is possible, anti-depressants make people more depressed, there’s only one universe).  I call upon all reasonable, unemotional people to stand up and tell John to sit down
Your name here
Your city here
Do not mention New York City Skeptics anywhere in your letter.

Finally, if you’re one of the godless who miss the annual intersection wishful thinking and skepticism in Las Vegas, the Center for Inquiry has the answer for you.
To the Editor:
Are you a (insert community name here) skeptic who is in the closet?  Then come on out to CFICon!  Just like TAM, only in October!  We’ll even have James Randi give a speech.  We hope you’ll recall some of your amazing memories, and sign up for the next generation of amazing conventions!  Plus we have more female speakers than ever in the history of Las Vegas skeptical events!  Which means more females for you to talk to!  (Must abide by the code conduct.  Center for Inquiry cannot guarantee any interactions with a person of a gender identity you find attractive.)  Richard Dawkins will also present, which means you know who won’t be here!  So take a few days away from the uncritical masses, and join us for a fun-filled week as we struggle to preserve the enlightenment!
Not a CFI PR person
Not writing from ohwhoamikidding? 
Speaking only for myself, I wish the godless a happy convention season, and want to remind them that Jesus loves them, where they want him to or not.

Also in the Babbler:

Drew Peterson charged with attempting to hire alien assassins 
Trump party vows to ‘make Bolingbrook great again’
Men in Blue search for alien bank robber
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/28/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Hillary Clinton delivers concession speech at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton delivered her concession speech at Clow UFO Base following her narrow loss in the Democratic Party’s Interplanetary Primary.

“Thanks to your hard work, we accomplished our most important task: We prevented Senator Bernie Sanders from getting 100 percent of the delegates!  That means he’s going to lose the nomination!  This close vote means there’s no way my friends, I mean my superdelegates, I mean the superdelegates, will turn against me!”

Though some polls suggested she could win the Interplanetary Primary, Clinton lost by 5 votes.  This was the closest Interplanetary Primary result since Mike Gravel defeated then Senator Barack Obama by 100 votes back in 2008.  Sources within the Clinton campaign say she will not contest the result.

Despite the loss, the crowd enthustically greeted Clinton following an introduction by popular galactic blogger Stephanie Zvan.

“I’ve risked my reputation by supporting Hillary.”  said Zvan.  “Tonight, as I look out at all of your smiling faces, I’m proud to say, I’m with her!”

Much of her speech was spent attacking Donald Trump.

“The American people have a choice.  Do they want a President who wants to commit suicide by the hands of the Martian Colonies, or do they want a President who loves the Martian Colonists, even if they don’t love humanity back?”

Later in the speech, the crowd started cheering, “Feel the Bern,” after a Sanders supporter took over the audience promoter screens.  Security removed the man.

“Don’t hurt him.”  said Clinton.  “We don’t run those kinds of rallies.”

“Party unity my ass!”  the man yelled back.  “If Bernie can’t burn the system, Trump will!”

Hillary collected her self for a few seconds before responding.  “You know, there are many good people who supported my former opponent in the primary.  I look forward to meeting with them, and adding their energy and enthusiasm to our campaign.  I’m not going to talk about them now.  I’m going to talk about the Berniebros and their allies, the Berniebabes.  They don’t care about running a country.  They just want our country to burn, and I don’t want our country to burn.  I want it to be a burning beacon of hope!  

“My husband told me back in 1991, back in the dark days of the Reagan-Bush years, that if the Democrats ever wanted to win the White House back, we had to throw someone under the bus.  So we threw Jessie Jackson under the bus.  In 1996, we threw welfare recipients under the bus.  In 2008, I was thrown under the bus.  This year, I say to Bernie’s supporters, you have a choice: Get on the bus, or feel the crushing weight of the bus!”

After the speech, Clinton had a short meeting with alien ambassadors and business leaders, before flying back to New York.  She is expected to take a short break before the final primaries in early June.

Also in the Babbler:

George Smith denied asylum on Pluto
TSA to hire psychics to speed up screening
Chicago Skeptics to unveil 2016’s list of ‘un-awesome people’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/20/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.