Monday, November 17, 2014

Sources: Mayor Claar has hidden cryogenic chamber in Rocket Ice Arena

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar has a cryogenic chamber hidden inside Rocket Ice Arena, anonymous sources say.

The sources agree that that Claar is making mortgage payments for the chamber to the owner of Rocket Ice Arena, which resides in a building owned by the village.  As detailed by the Chicago Tribune, the chamber is paid for by limiting rent to 1 percent of the rink’s annual gross revenue, and by allowing the owner to use the building as collateral for business loans.  

“It’s a good thing that Tribune reporter didn’t find out about the chamber, or we’d really be in trouble.”  Said one of the sources.

According to the sources, Claar intends to have his body frozen if he ever gets a terminal illness or is near death.  It his intention, the sources say, that he be revived in 2065 just before the anniversary of Bolingbrook’s incorporation.

“The revival of the greatest mayor in the history of Bolingbrook would be an excellent centennial gift to Bolingbrook.”  Said another source.  “Imagine what America’s bicentennial would have been like if a founding father had been revived.  Now imagine what the future residents of Bolingbrook are going to experience when Roger wakes up in their time!”

Other sources claim that other chambers have been added to Rocket since it was built in 1999.  These additional chambers are intended for members of Claar’s family, as well as close personal friends.

“He likes to think of the other chambers as incentives for certain residents to donate to his campaign fund.”  Said a third source.  "Also, he doesn't want to be alone in the future.  He'll need staffers in case he decides to run for mayor in the far future!"

When asked to comment, a manager of Rocket Ice Arena made unprintable comments before hanging up. 

A spokesperson for Claar denied that he was paying  for any cryogenic preservation or that the village would pay to have Claar preserved.

“Roger feels that an ice rink is a worthwhile investment in for Bolingbrook.  If it weren’t for the ice rink we would have been force to tear down a relatively new building.  Now the village gets to keep the building and get a little bit of revenue from it.  As long as the current owner doesn’t default on his loans of course.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “I’m not asking for the Blackhawks to move here.  You could start a really minor league hockey league team in Bolingbrook, and I will do my best to support it.  No?  Well would you at least consider moving the IceHogs here?  Hello?”

Also in The Babbler:

Soviets fail to freeze out Bolingbrook
Pagans lift curse placed on the Bears
Comet 67P matriarchy accepts Matt Taylor’s apology

God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/20/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Manchester Mumbler: Comet 67P’s matriarchy protests arrival of Philae lander

The following story is from our sister publication, The Manchester Mumbler, based in Manchester, UK.

Comet 67P’s ruling matriarchy transmitted a protest to The European Space Agency hours after the Philae lander touched down.

According to sources within the agency, the rulers are not happy with the shirt worn by ESA research scientist Matt Taylor during the landing.  The shirt depicts scantly clad women in versus provocative poses.  For reasons that are still not clear, Taylor wore the bowling shirt during the live broadcast and during interviews.

“You lied to us!”  Started the transmission from the female rulers of 67P.  “You said your culture wasn’t like the United States’s culture.  You promised to send technology built by your finest minds to represent your sophisticated culture.  Instead you sent a defective lander representing your dude bro culture!”

The rulers claimed responsibility for moving Philae into shaded area.

“If you don’t apologize for your lies, it would be a shame if your lander were to bounce into geyser and crash into your orbiter!”

The sources claim that the European Union is currently debating how to respond to the Matriarchy’s protest.

When asked to comment, an unnamed spokesperson for ESA denied they agency was in contact with any intelligent life on the comet.

“Don’t believe any of the conspiracy theories!  The truth is that this was the first time we tired to land on a comet, and it didn’t go well the first two times we tried to land.  Also, Mr. Taylor cannot comment at this time because he working with a fashion consultant.  No we cannot name the consultant, but he is not charging the agency!”

In the background, a man who sounded like Taylor said, “Solid colors?  Robes?  I don’t know, Hugh.  I like having pictures of women on my shirt.”

The man replied.  “But if you follow my advice, you will have the right kind of women clinging to your shirt, if you know what I mean.”


“Now let’s talk about installing a real home entertainment system in your flat, and starting you on the path from slob to playboy!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Bolingbrook Babbler web page turns 16

By Jenna Olson
Publisher of The Bolingbrook Babbler

It was 16 years ago this month that the first Bolingbrook Babbler article was published on the web.  To this day, readers debate whether we should have used Lewis University’s preferred spelling, or the one used by the copy editor at the time.  

Identity politics aside, the launch of our web site ushered in a new era for The Bolingbrook Babbler.  We became an internationally recognized source for the unbelievable truth about Bolingbrook.  Despite Mayor Roger Claar’s e-mails, we have put Clow UFO Base, the world’s largest urban UFO base, on the map.  

Even the global skeptical movement has been forced to deal with us.  Our staff members have spoken at TAM, the skeptic track at GenCon, and all but one of the Chicago Skepticamps.  The Skepchicks have written about us.  Doubtful News noticed us.  A Committee for Skeptical Inquiry said we ventured to the “Dark Side.”  Our webmaster faced off against PZ Myers in a Quizotron!  Those skeptics who want to deceive the world into believing that Bolingbrook is just a simple suburb were resisted by us.

As web site enters its 16th year, we realize that we can’t stand still.  Like every parent, we eventually have to give our teenager the keys to a car.  In our case, that means stepping up our online presence.  In the coming year, you can look forward to a new sister publication to join the Manchester Mumber, and The Red Deer Reporter.  If all goes according to plan, we should publish our first e-book next year.  We can’t release too details about it right now.  We can say that a flyer for the book was banned at Chicago Skepticamp 2014.  That’s their right, but they don’t have the right to keep you from reading our book!

As always, we’ll keep reporting on the unbelievable truth and those who wish to suppress it.  You won’t find stories about Roger Claar’s alien youth program, his interstellar vacations, or Lisle tree oligarchy anywhere else but in The Babbler!  

To the long time readers of our web page, thank you for your support.  To our new readers, welcome aboard, and feel free to look at our archive.  To all of our readers, we promise keep showing you that the truth is unbelievable!  

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Homeless veterans released from Clow UFO Base

Twenty homeless US veterans were released unharmed at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base after being held by a “sample collection” crew from the Quasta System.

“These brave men and women will once again be able to experience the freedom they have fought for.”  Said Paul Z. Tanger, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “This is the greatest Veterans Day gift we could give them!”

According to Tanger, the Quasta craft was spotted within the Chicago area abducting homeless veterans.  When covert traffic control officials asked the crew if they had an abduction permit for Chicago, the commander of the ship, Gulp, said he left it in his other ship, and if they could wait two weeks, he could come back with the permits.

Instead, Clow’s security officials activated several anti-UFO tachyon gun near the UFO and told the commander to either surrender, or be shot down.  The commander surrendered and was escorted to Clow UFO Base.  Upon landing, the crew released the veterans, and were arrested.

According to sources within the Department of Interstellar Affairs, abducting veterans on Veterans Day is not allowed within Clow’s jurisdiction.  UFO crews must have permission for the New World Order to even observe a veteran during Veterans Day.  

“As of now, it appears this crew lack any authorization to perform any abductions, let alone interact with former US military personnel.”  Said Quasta.  

One of the veterans, who asked to be called Jerry, said the other abductees are in good health, and were only held in captivity for a few hours.

“Now I’m glad they gave us shelter from the cold weather, but we knew the cost was going to be pretty high.  I didn’t fight in Iraq just to be cut up like frog!”

Paul Q. Blake, the lawyer representing the Quasta crew, says it is all a simple misunderstanding.

“Sometimes it’s hard for our visitors to tell the difference between homeless veterans and homeless civilians.  It’s an honest mistake, and I expect my clients to be vindicated by the end of the week!”

Tanger said the veterans would be returned to the public after their memories were altered.  He added that they veterans would be assisted by the Will County Veterans Assistance Commission.

Said Tanger, “These people served our country.  After what these aliens put them through, it is only fair that we serve them the means to get back on their feet!”

Also in The Babbler:

Soviets launch cold weather attack against Chicago
Witches accused of cursing Bears
Roger Claar Party gets donation from the Koch Brothers

God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/15/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Please stand by

Demons have possessed our computers and we are working with local religious leaders to solve the problem.

Sara Langston, Editor of The Bolingbrook Babbler.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Internet trolls threaten Bolingbrook

A “leaderless” group of Internet trolls is threatening to bring down Bolingbrook, unless they evict all “social justice warriors” from the village.

Gamergate has shown us the way!”  Said SlashX, one of the “respected” members of trolls.  “We will purge Bolingbrook of uppity women!  I mean social justice warriors!”

The currently nameless group will conduct a “full scale protest” to “downsize” Bolingbrook’s economy.  First they will send “harsh” messages to every Bolingbrook residential e-mail they can find.  If any resident complains, they will accuse the resident of faking the e-mails.  Second, the collective will sponsor a crowdsourced effort to contact every local business and “politely” ask them to leave Bolingbrook.  They hope to be able flood every Bolingbrook business with thousands of e-mails.

“I’m willing to create 10 e-mail accounts a day.  Plus we’ve got over a hundred form letters people can use.  They’ll never be able to sniff us out!”

Third, the group will accuse any reporter of bias if they write an article involving Bolingbrook, and do not include any “honest prospectives” about the village.

Fourth, the group will organize boycotts of companies that have a manufacturing presence in Bolingbrook.

“We want to make ‘made in Bolingbrook’ a corporate death sentence.”

Finally, the group will raise funds to support candidates for office in Bolingbrook that will work to abolish Bolingbrook.

“Of course.”  Said SlashX.  “This can be avoided if Bolingbrook would just purge Bolingbrook of gays!  I mean social justice warriors!”

The group formed after Jill Z. Quintburg, a 25 year Bolingbrook resident, announced that she was going to create a new social network platform.

“I read this great article by Lindy West about how she wants a social network that has effective tools to combat harassment.  She called it, ‘Echo Chamber.’  I loved the article, and since I’m a programer, I decided to start work on my version of Echo Chamber.”

Quintburg announced her intention over Twitter.

“Big mistake.”  Said Quintburg.

According to Quintburg, she started receiving death threats and nasty messages online.

“It is disturbing to see so many attempts to hack my e-mail and fake Twitter accounts trying to impersonate me.  I complained about it online, and those trolls accused me of faking the whole thing because the trolls end their sentences with periods just like I do.  Can you believe that?  They also tried to drive me out of my home, but the address they posted was for the Bolingbrook Police Department.  So I’m lucky, compared to most women online.”

SlashX said that not all members of the collective harassed Quintburg and therefore the group can’t be blamed.

“Sure it started out as aggressive messaging towards her, but now we’ve moved on to—Hey Joe, can you think of a cause that’s important to SJWs?”

“Locally grown organic food.”  Came a reply in the background.

“Yeah!  Now we’re all united behind supporting locally grown organic food!  You can’t call us sexist if we support natural food!  The best way to support locally grown organic food is to purge liberals, I mean social justice warriors, from Bolingbrook or purge Bolingbrook from Illinois!”

A spokesperson for Mayor Roger Claar said the village was not aware of the group, but was not concerned.  “We handled The Watchdogs of Bolingbrook.  We can handle these hackers.  Now I have go back to helping Roger prepare his speech to at risk youth.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “A village is like piece of music.  It needs treble and bass to work.  If you doubt me, trying listening to Meghan Trainor without treble!”

Also in The Babbler:

Babbler to shutdown next week for remodeling
Martian Colonies repel invasion force.
Sources: Solider Field cursed

God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/24/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Riot ends Jamie Kilstein/Dinesh D’Souza debate at Clow UFO Base

Godless comic Jamie Kilstein spotted at Clow UFO Base hours after a riot he participated in.
What was promoted by Clow UFO Base as a fiery debate between progressive atheist Jamie Kilstein and conservative Christian Dinesh D’Souza turned into a real riot.  By the time Clow’s security forces restored order, over 100 aliens and humans were detained.  Damage from the riot is estimated to be around $10 million dollars.

“We expected some figurative sparks from this debate.”  Said Jeff Wagg, The New World Order’s liaison to Clow UFO Base.  “We didn’t expect real fires 15 minutes in.”

 After the introductions in front of a crowd of aliens and humans, D’Souza started the debate with a 12 minute speech which many eyewitnesses described as rambling and confusing.  During the speech, D’Souza accused President Obama of stealing the Ebola virus from the Martian Colonies so he could use it to destroy the “civilized world.”  He added that Obama tried to be clever by starting the infection in Northwest Africa, but he wasn’t fooled.

“He actually reflected his father’s tribal hatred for those people and his own Islamic communist desire to destroy the civilized world by planting the seeds of its destruction in Liberia, a colony proudly founded by the United States, the greatest government in the universe!”

D’Souza also stated that the existence of alien Muslims proved the existence of Satan, while the existence of alien Christians proved the existence of God.

When it was Kilstein’s turn to speak, he said, “What the (Expletive Deleted) was that?”

Debate moderator Michael Nugent, who is also the president of Atheist Ireland, immediately declared D’Souza the winner of the debate.

“You used a naughty word.”  Nugent said.  “Mr. D’Souza didn’t use any.  So I must declare him the winner, and you must respect my decision if you want me to think of you as a rational person.”

When Kilstein used another profane word, Nugent said he required an hour of uninterrupted speaking time to explain his, “nuanced and reasonable” decision.

D’Souza interjected, “This is proof that conservative Christian humans are the superior form of life in all of the universe!”

Goz Goose, from the Large Magellanic Cloud Alliance, was the first to attempt to storm the stage.

“I thought it was a Blazagost decision, and I still do.  That debate moderation actually thought the presentation of an idea is more important than the actual idea.  I wanted to get into his face and yell, ‘You exist, dolgot!’  Then he would have to explain why he still existed even though I used a vulgarity to express my argument!”

Goose was immediately sprayed with a riot foam by The Men in Blue.  Instead of being intimidated, others in the audience rushed at the stage.  Seconds later, laser fire was exchanged between the crowd and security.

In the confusion, someone gave the order to have Kilstein arrested.  To everyone’s amazement, Kilstein defeated five Men in Blue in hand to hand combat.

“The Men in Blue fought him one at a time.”  Said an anonymous eyewitness.  “After he broke the arm of the fifth one, they finally realized that they needed to attack him as a group.”

Thirty minutes later, security finally restored order.  Kilstein was released after two hours in custody and suspended from Clow for three months.  No such restriction was placed on D’Souza.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar promised an investigation into the cause of the riot and said that there would be policy changes implemented.

“As much as my political party loves guns, maybe it’s not a good idea to allow concealed weapons during emotional events like this.”

D’Souza’s parole officer refused to let this reporter speak with him.

Kilstein could not be reached for comment, but his wife and podcast co-host, Allison Kilkenny, did comment.

“Boy your publication is a big example of #newsfail.  Your informed readers might be interested in our new book, Newsfail!  I’m sure they’ll understand exactly what I’m talking about!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.