Thursday, January 22, 2015

Rochelle Reader: Hub 35 to host #FtBcon interstellar track.


By Reporter Y

UFO Base Hub 35, though not fully operational, will host FtBcon interstellar track of programing this weekend.

FtBcon is an online convention organized by the controversial Freethought Blogs Network, which is a collection of godless bloggers.  Though most of the tracks can be accessed from the convention’s web page, the interstellar tracks will only be accessible through the Interstellar Internet.  This programing track will feature prominent atheist bloggers interacting with alien atheist activists and philosophers.

“This will be the ultimate stress test for Hub 35 before officially opening.”  Said Thomas Xavier, the New World Order’s overseer of Illinois’s UFO Bases.  “The convention will stress our communications systems, and be a dry run for our cloaking systems.   Plus it will test the vigilance of our security personnel and our AIs.  As many of your are aware, FTB is controversial not only with religious fundamentalists, but among atheists as well.  Many will go to great lengths to disrupt this convention.  It will be a challenge to stop them, but I strongly believe that the staff of Hub 35 is up to the challenge.”

Featured programs in the interstellar track include:

  • Richard Carrier debating aliens who claim to have met the historical Jesus
  • A workshop lead by Kylie Sturgess on how to coverup UFO encounters
  • Chana Messinger interviewing the leaders of the formerly lost tribes of Israel
  • Heina Dadabhoy interviewing an alien who claims to be the real founder of Islam

The owner of FTB, Ed Brayton, says he’s excited about the third annual interstellar track of programming.

“The facilities are spartan, but our speakers and panelists will more than make up for it.  See what I did there?”

During the press conference, a member of Slymepit Interstellar started shouting.

“FTBBullies are insignificant!  FTBBullies will destroy the atheist movement!  Their female bloggers are too prudish and sexy!  PZ Myers can’t persuade anyone to be an atheist.  His hoard of followers are mean!  Tell me if anything I said is sticking!”

The being was peacefully escorted out of the room, and later had its memory wiped.

While the outburst highlighted security concerns, the head blogger at BioDork said she was still looking forward to the convention.

“This is the only time of the year I get to meet up with all the beings I’ve made an interstellar connection with!  I can’t wait.”


FTBcon will start on 1/23/15 at 5 PM.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Bolingbrook opposition parties respond to the 2015 State of the Village Address

The rest of Bolingbrook’s media outlets may have forgotten about Mayor Roger Claar’s annual state of the village address, but we haven’t!  Each year we invite Bolingbrook’s opposition parties  to write a response.  This year The Roger Claar Party, The #Gamergate Party, and The Free Water Party accepted our invitation.

The Roger Claar Party
“A great mayor deserves a great party!”

It should be a crime not to report on Roger’s awesome speech!  It brought tears to our eyes as he talked about how great our village is, and how it has been an honor to serve Bolingbrook for 29 years!  We are the best suburb in Chicago, and no one can ignore that!  Not even the trolls who infest Topix!

Sadly, it is almost time to start thinking about preserving his decades long legacy.  Though we hate to see him retire, we know that day must eventually come.

The residents of Bolingbrook need to ask themselves which party will best preserve his legacy?  Is it The First Party for Bolingbrook, which is always first to accept donations from his campaign fund, but occasionally vote against him.  How can we trust them to always vote in his memory when they can’t always vote for him when he’s in the same room?

This year, vote for our candidates, and tell the Me-first party to stay away from Roger’s campaign fund.  Instead, vote for the party that loves Roger so much, we named ourselves after him!

David Nelson
Roger’s Number One Fan and Chairman of The Roger Claar Party

The Roger Claar Party is not affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar.

The #Gamergate Party
“It’s all about ethics in Bolingbrook”

There are no ethics in Bolingbrook.  According to The Chicago Tribune, Roger accepted $164,000 in donations from the owner of Ice Rocket Arena, and in return the owner gets to use a village owned building at reduced rent.  Between 1999 and 2009, he received nearly $2.5 million in donations from companies and individuals who do business with the village.  Oddly enough, they received $300 million in village work.

The worst ethical breach, however, Roger’s inability to crush the local Social Justice Warriors who want to inject politics into Bolingbrook’s government.  SJWs like (personal information redacted) and (personal information redacted.)! We’ve had to do all the hard work of doxxing, swatting, ordering delivery at odd hours, sending complaints to their employers, and posting internet death threats for the Lolz!  This April, you can help us unlock the achievement of controlling a local government!

That means ordering the police to investigate the perverted sex lives of the local SJWs and posting the results online.  It means unlimited access to their personal records without trying to crack passwords.  It means legal “monitoring” of all local SJW internet traffic.  In short, it means we will have the unlimited resources of a government to silence the SJWs and their censorship campaigns and promote free speech!

Roger, if you try to stop us, we have this (personal information redacted) on you.  So hand over your campaign fund to us now, or we’ll call you a professional victim.  That means, you noob, we would be able to start up a Patreon page, and people will give us thousands of dollars to silence you!

Why are we doing this?  Because we will not stop until everyone is afraid to say anything critical about our video games!  Gamers of Bolingbrook, Roger is not your shield.  Elect us, and we will be your shield!

Whoaskedyou?
Not responsible for anything done under the #gamergate hashtag!

The Free Water Party!
“Freedom”

Roger, you want to socialize our water.  We say that any resident who has the drive and money should be able to sell all they water they want to Bolingbrook!  If you can’t afford your water bill without dipping into your campaign fund, then move to Chicago and drink from Lake Michigan!  

Every resident should have the risk of dying of thirst if it means having the freedom to own a pipeline!

Paul Z. Sutherland
American Water Employee Chairman of The Free Water Party!

Also in The Babbler:

George Lucas denies his museum is a cover for a Chicago UFO Base
Naperville considers minimum salary for residents
Ambassador from Pluto promises wild celebrations when New Horizons arrives
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/23/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Rochelle Reader: Rep. Kinzinger fails to block opening of UFO Base Hub 35

By Reporter Y

US House Representative Adam Kinzinger this week failed to block the opening of Hub 35, a UFO base located near Rochelle, IL.

Kinzinger told the House Covert Affairs Committee, “I do not want an Obama Base in my district because it is a tax sucking welfare program that will attract alien thugs and increase the risk of voter fraud.  I also don’t want these aliens to present their so-called science to our children, and I am fearful that some of the aliens will perform fetal abductions on our residents.  I am also concerned how these well these aliens will be able to adapt to our culture, and if there is a risk, no matter how slight, that ISIS might sneak into the country through this base.  There is a diversity of threats to the law abiding citizens of my district from this base that they will not be able to respond to once Obama confiscates all of their guns.  I could go on, but I left the rest of my talking points in the office.”

Added Rep. Daniel Webster of Florida, “We need to tie this base to the Benghazi attack!  I mean investigate any possible ties to Benghazi before we can open this base!  No matter how long it takes to impeach Obama!  I mean until we find the truth!”

Before any motions could be considered, Thomas Xavier, the New World Order administrator overseeing all of Illinois’s UFO bases.  Xavier said that it was vital that Hub 35 be opened on schedule.  He explained that Hub 35 was the key to increased distribution of alien products throughout the United States.  Hub 35, he estimated, could create millions of jobs and improve the economy.

“I understand that many committee members are willing to sabotage the economy in order to destroy President Obama’s legacy.”  Said Xavier.  “Let me remind you that destroying the global economy requires the New World Order’s approval, and 10 years advance notice.”

Xavier then reminded the Congressmen of their insignificance.  “It seems that you have forgotten who exactly the United States is indebted too.  We own your debt, and we can collect on it any time we want.  If want to see the US navy sold off to Britain, and the Air Force sold off to Russia, then go ahead and delay the opening of Hub 35.”

He ordered the committee to approve the US’s promised funding of Hub 35.

“Let me make this clear.  If you do not fully fund your portion of Hub 35, the Republican Party will be replaced by the Libertarian Party, and none of you will ever see a dime from the Koch brothers again!  Do I make myself clear?”

The committee unanimously approved the funding.

Before leaving the chamber, Xavier had some pointed words for Kinzinger.

“I may be young, but I am not naive.  You should know that I graduated from The College of Curiosity at the head of my class!  Do.  Not.  Mess.  With.  Me.  If you do this again, I will either force a thousand Republicans to leave your district or force millions of liberals to move into your district!  I hope we understand each other.”

After the meeting Kinzinger said he felt that the New World Order adequately addressed his concerns.  “I’m glad that we can put this misunderstanding behind us, and get on with the task of forcing The President to go to war with Russia.  I mean, to persuade The President to give the true patriots of this country what they really want!”

Also in The Reader:

Mayor Olson insists there are no sentient trains in Rochelle
Creston declines to move curfew from 5:30 PM to 3 PM
NIU professor disciplined for attempting to raise the dead

God to spare Rochelle on 1/16/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Rochelle Reader is The Babbler’s newest sister publication

By Jenna Olson, Publisher of The Bolingbrook Babbler

As promised, we have added a new sister publication, The Rochelle Reader, based in Rochelle, IL.  This week, they printed their first issue, and they’re already showing their ability to bring the unbelievable truth to North Central Illinois.  A city that’s smaller than the Village of Bolingbrook isn’t the most unbelievable aspect of the community.  We’ll let Publisher John Z. Smith explain.

I’ve lived all my life in Rochelle, and I’m proud to say I’m a resident of the Hub City.  However, I always knew there was more going on then what the politicians were telling us.  I also knew that our newspaper, The Rochelle News-Leader, wasn’t telling us the whole story.  They’re good people, but what can you expect from a publication that thinks, “Del Monte buys calendars for employees” is a news story?  Of course, they way our country is going, a headline like “Corporation pays employees” might actually be newsworthy. 
I was fortunate enough to meet up with the Olson family in Bolingbrook, and I learned how to uncover the unbelievable truth.  When I applied their methods, I was shocked.  Those strange lights in the sky weren’t airplanes, and not every loud noise is from a train.  There is an invisible world around us, and I intend to expose it to all the wholesome people of Rochelle.  Let’s just say, that if you think the Railway Park is too much excitement, you might want to stick with The News-Leader.  But if you’re ready for the real truth, we’re ready for you.

We’ll be featuring stories from The Reader on our web page, as well as our other sister publications, The Manchester Mumbler, and The Red Deer Reporter.


The unbelievable truth is spreading!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Web Exclusive: The prophet Muhammad denounces Charlie Hebdo murders


Je Suis Charlie
Members of Bolingbrook’s Islamic community claim that their prophet Muhammad descended from Heaven to denounce the attack against the French Newspaper Charlie Hebdo.  The attack killed 12 people, most were staff members of Charlie Hebdo.

“Do you think I am insulted by cartoons?”  Muhammad said.  “No!  I am insulted three fake followers deciding to commit murder instead of trusting God to punish them!  That is the real insult!”

The eyewitnesses agree that they saw Muhammad descend from Heaven on a winged horse, and land near Masjid Al-Islam in Bolingbrook.  Muhammad told his followers to finish their prayers, and then he would deliver a statement.

“I worried that he was going to call for a Jihad  against the non-believers.”  Said one eyewitness who asked not to be identified.  “I know I have to submit to God, but I have friends who don’t believe.  I would be really sad if I was ordered to hurt them.”

Instead ordering more bloodshed, Muhammad reminded his followers that Islam is a religion of peace.

“Peace is a relative term.”  Said Muhammad.  “What was considered peaceful in my time, is now considered barbaric in your time.  While we may disagree on what peace is, we should agree that Allah, praise be upon him, does not consider slaughtering newspaper reporters a peaceful act.”

Muhammad added, “The creator of the universe does not need men with weapons to question his judgement.  He who can make the Earth tremble, the sky burn, and turn water into acid can act against those who offend him.  That he does not destroy those who offend you is a sign of his mercy, not an excuse to commit murder!  You do not get to kill in Allah’s name!  Only God, the all merciful, can kill in His name!”

The prophet also denounced ISIS.  “There is no state of Islam.  There are only foolish men who pretend their bloodlust is sanctioned by God!  They think they are holy warriors, but they are merely Gamergaters with guns!  They are merchants of death who cover up their vile product with Arabic scribbles!”

Many of the eyewitnesses, including one who asked that we call him Paul, agreed with Muhammad’s denunciation.  “We’re not terrorists!  We work normal jobs, help out in our communities, and raise our children to be decent citizens.  We love Bolingbrook, and we love peace, and I’m glad Muhammad agrees with me.”

Added another eyewitness, “I didn’t like these so-called satirists and wanted them dead.  Muhammad disagreed with me.  This proves that God, praise me upon him, is real, and not a figment of my imagination!  What would it say if God always agreed with me?  No, I know my place!”

Muhammad explained that the best way to defeat the infidels is to maintain their faith.  “Only by resisting the West in your heart, can you be free.  Computers and iPods are fine.  Killing non-believers is not.  Threatening Ayaan Hirsi Ali and killing her friends didn’t bring her back to Allah.  It turned her into a crusader, and now she provides wicked advice to people who control nuclear weapons.  By the way, Allah denounces nuclear weapons.  Only He should have the power of mass destruction!”

When asked to prove his identity, Muhammad delivered a prophecy.  In March, he predicted, a Bolingbrook village trustee will defy Mayor Roger Claar during a board meeting. Muhammad then ascended into Heaven.


“It makes sense.”  Said Paul.  “Only one as powerful as Allah could make a trustee defy Roger!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, December 29, 2014

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2015 revealed!

Will Jay Cutler be the next Chicago Bears Coach?
Photo by Mjglasgow 
Every December, The Babbler gathers Bolingbrook’s finest psychics to predict next year’s major events.  Last year, our psychics did a remarkable job when compared to the average non-psychic.  They predicted that a connection between Patheos and Freethought Blogs would be revealed.  No they didn’t merge, but Patheos does manage the ads that appear on Freethought Blogs, so that counts.  Once again, the Bears didn’t make the Super Bowl.  

Now we didn’t everything right, but we’re happy with what we did get right.  Sometimes printing predictions of the future will change the future.  Plus the psychics might have seen the correct future, but the visions were fuzzy and were incorrectly recorded.

With that in mind, we invite you to read our predictions for 2015.  Unless, of course, you want the new year to be a surprise.

***
After his inauguration, Illinois Governor Bruce Rauner will suddenly have a family emergency in the Bahamas.  He will leave the country in the middle of the night.  Two days later, the US District Attorney’s office will announce that they are charging Rauner with accepting illegal campaign contributions.  

Undeterred, Rauner announces that Illinois will immediately be part of an inversion deal with a Bahaman corporation.  He will then fire the Illinois State Assembly and replace them with Chinese social studies exchange students.

“I told you I would run Illinois like a business.”  He will say.

The rest of 2015 will see Illinois government paralyzed while the courts sort out the legality of Rauner’s actions.

***

Early in 2015, The Bears will announce that Quarterback Jay Cutler will also serve as the head coach and general manager.  Which would be an unprecedented decision in the history of the NFL.

“You guys in the media say I’m un-coachable!”  Cutler will complain.  “That’s not fair!  NFL coaches’s schemes are unplayable!  You can’t expect me to win if the coaches are calling crappy plays and giving me horrible instructions!  Hell, coaches are so bad in the NFL, they couldn’t even use Tim Tebow.  Even a college coach could figure him out.  Since I’ve joined the NFL coaches have been screwing me over.  There are fans out there who think I don’t deserve my salary because of coaching decisions I had no say over.  It’s not fair that they put our team in desperate situations, and then expect me to bail them out.  No more!  From now on, the only person screwing me is going to be my wife!”

***

Facing a rapidly declining workforce, and rapidly aging population, Japan will be forced to relax its immigration laws and create incentive programs for Westerners to move to Japan. One of those programs includes paying off US student loans in exchange for living in Japan for at least 10 years.

“This is a great program.”  One student will say.  “My job sucked, and I wanted to move to a new place where I could start over!  There are so much empty space here, that anyone can build their dreams here if they try really hard!  Unlike those immigrants who are ruining America!”

Despite protests from conservatives in both countries, thousands of Millennials will decide to “turn Japanese.”

***

Though it will still be fighting to seize the lake water pipeline from American Lake Water Co., The Northern Will County Water Agency will announce plans to build a new pipeline from Lake Michigan to California.  

“It’s simple.”  Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar will say.  “California needs water, and eventually we will have water to give them.  We’ll make a ton of money off this deal.”

The plan will eventually be canceled, but not after the agency receives “consulting fees” from water agencies across the country.

***

The Babbler’s secret project will be released in 2015, offending many professional atheist activists.

***

Idaho militia members will fire model rockets into Canada to protest the alleged influx of muslim terrorists from the North.  Canada responds by launching an invasion of the United States.

“For all practical purposes, the United States has no government.”  A Canadian spokesperson will say.  “It is a lawless rouge state filled with armed lunatics who have grown tired of shooting each other and now want to shoot us because they hate our freedom.”

The world will be surprised when the US is defeated, and the Canadian flag flies over the Capitol Building.  Thus extending Canada’s winning streak over the United States.

At gun point, the Senate agrees to turn control over the Pacific Northwest and the Northern Planes to Canada as part of a “buffer zone.”  The US will also turn over it’s Security Council veto powers to Canada. 

Thousands of Americans will be forced from their farms and business while Canadians will build settlements that will “make the fields bloom and the cows happy.” 

Said one settler.  “When we moved to Idaho sector, it was just desert.  But we converted this abandoned building into a potato farm.  The American were too busy shooting each other to do anything productive with this land.”

Despite protests from the UN, the Canadian army will continue to conduct “limited” operations in the remaining states to destroy “terrorist arms caches.” 

“We don’t want to kill American civilians.”  Another spokesperson will say.  “But as long as they give their children guns, we’ll have to keep sending in drones to deal with potential terrorists!  Besides, there’s no such thing as an American.  They’re just a bunch of people who moved onto stolen Commonwealth land and started shooting each other.  We’re just reclaiming the Greater Commonwealth for real Commonwealth citizens.”

Also in The Babbler:

Happy New year!
UK threatens to ban Babbler web page
Baby New Year spotted in Chicago

God to spare Bolingbrook this week

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Skepchick accidentally posts photo of a Mississippi River monster?

Photo of Missi taken by Jamie Bernstein, CC 2012.

Did a blogger at Skepchick, the controversial network of feminists skeptics, accidentally promote a picture of a real river monster?  A Chicago area cryptozoologist says yes.

The controversy started when Skepchick blogger Jamie wrote a post claiming that her “obvious” hoax photo was picked up by the Frontiers of Zoology blog and presented as real. She claims she really photographed a pipe in the middle of the river.

Chicago’s John Z. Parker, an aspiring to be famous cryptozoologist, disagrees.  

“There’s no way that is a digitally blurred image of a pipe in the Mississippi River!  That’s a lake monster!  I mean that’s Pepie, the lake monster of the Mississippi River!”

Parker believes that the skeptical blogger only thought she was taking a picture of a pipe.

“What she really saw was the creature, but since she’s a skeptic, she couldn’t accept that.  So she altered her memory to think she saw a pipe.  Then she posted the photo thinking that she was hoaxing us.  But actually she was proving us right.  Skeptics always attack our eyewitnesses’s memories, so it’s nice to attack them back!”   

Famed skeptic and neurologist Dr. Steven Novella, disputed Parker’s theory.

“OK, I’ll play along if you’ll end this interview quickly.  Yes, our memories aren’t perfect.  But, and this is a serious but, there’s a difference between an imperfect memory and gaslighting.  It sounds like what John, if he’s a real person, is trying to do here.  That’s not acceptable.  By the way, I’ve seen the original photo and it clearly shows a pipe in the water.  So now we have two choices.  Either a Skepchick blogger photographed an incredible rare creature and photoshopped it to look like a pipe.  Or she photographed a very common pipe and made it look like a sea serpent just for fun.  I think I’ll apply Occam’s Razor here.”

Parker, however, insists his theory is correct.  

“Sure it’s hard to believe that there’s a mysterious creature in the Mississippi.  Then again, Quantium Mechanics is hard to believe.  If scientists can believe in Quantium Mechanics, I can believe in Pepie!”

When asked to comment, head Skepchick Rebecca Watson mainly talked about her Patreon page then added, “Thanks to Patreon, we could afford to post a video of the pipe, and then track how many cryptozoological sites link to it.  I think my supporters would love something like that!”

Parker, on the other hand, intends to launch a Kickstarter page to fund an expedition to find Pepie.

Also in The Babbler:

Anonymous threatens to release Santa sex tape
Hanukkah Harry questioned by Bolingbrook police
Happy holidays from The Bolingbrook Babbler

God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/26/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.