Monday, December 15, 2014

UFOs over Chicagoland proclaim ‘Black human lives matter’

By Reporter X

Approximately 25 UFOs flew over skies of Chicagoland to protest the recent deaths of Michael Brown, Tamir Rice, and Eric Garner.  

“These incidents show that humanity still has problem with skin pigment!” Boaz Kasca, head organizer of the protest.  “If you want to breathe the air on our planets, you must get your law enforcement under control!”

The protest was originally going to take place over Ferguson, but was moved to Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base after the New World Order refused to lift the UFO Ban over the St. Louis area.  Protestors also claimed that Missouri residents have shot at their UFOs while displaying their slogans.

“It is odd that the light skinned humans call President Obama a tyrant for giving his subjects the ability to afford private health care.”  Said Gorgo.  “Yet they have no problem with their law enforcement shooting citizens for improper tobacco transactions, or using excessive displays of force against protesters.”

Dalgo says he joined the protest over concerns about the future of humanity.

“There has been some improvement, but in the US sector, between your years 2003 to 2009, Blacks were about 4 times as likely to die in custody than Whites.  This needs to change.  I don’t want to come back in 100 years and see a dark skinned man suffocating in a spacesuit because a light skinned man cut his air supply in the name of law enforcement.”

There were no arrests or citations issued during the protest flights.  Clow officials confirmed that none of the UFOs exceeded the minimum visibility regulations for the Chicago area.

Doug Parker, a resident of Harvey, IL, claims to have seen one of the protest.

“The news has been getting me down lately, but when I saw the words, ‘Black human lives matter’ light up the sky, it made me happy.  Someone up there cares about us.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar praised the protesters for being peaceful, and also praised the professionalism of the Bolingbrook police department.

“In my village, all lives matter.”

Also in The Babbler:

Bears ask Egyptian gods to save their season
New UFO base nears completion near Rockford, IL
Sources: Northern Will County Water Agency paid for Claar’s trip to Europa.

God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/18/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, December 8, 2014

Guest Opinion: Center for Inquiry’s feline fellows agree that ‘deniers are not skeptics'

 Note: The following guest opinion is from The Center of Inquiry’s feline fellows, who are based in
Chicago.  The opinions of these genetically modified cats do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Babbler.

Cats are natural skeptics, and that’s why we’re signing the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry’s open letter, “Deniers are not skeptics.”

As scientific skeptics, we are well aware of political efforts to undermine climate science by those who deny reality but do not engage in scientific research or consider evidence that their deeply held opinions are wrong. The most appropriate word to describe the behavior of those individuals is “denial.” Not all individuals who call themselves climate change skeptics are deniers. But virtually all deniers have falsely branded themselves as skeptics. By perpetrating this misnomer, journalists have granted undeserved credibility to those who reject science and scientific inquiry.
Climate change is an issue that affects all species, not just humans.  Rising sea levels endanger the homes of thousands of cats and dogs.  Droughts threaten our pet food supply.  The economic damage caused by extreme weather threatens our caretakers' ability to provide for us.

Science-based skeptics know better than to deny the reality of climate change.  Climate deniers want to distract the public from the science.  They distract other humans with talking points, just like a cat tries to distract their caretaker when he or she is typing on their computer. 

Don’t be distracted by the deniers’ shiny balls of well funded woo!  Learn the facts and take action.  We can disagree on how to deal with the changing climate, but we cannot deny that humans are altering the climate and we cannot ignore the impact it will have on our planet.

Center for Inquiry Feline Fellow.

Anti-Psychic Kitty
Committee for Skeptical investigation Feline Fellow

Center for Inquiry Feline Fellow

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Web Exclusive: Atheist TV to stream Christmas special

American Atheists will debut their 2014 Christmas special on the Atheist TV web channel during Christmas Day, sources say.

“We realized that the Internet is a giant billboard.”  Said one source who claims to be a member of American Atheists.  “So what better use of a billboard than to make an hour long program that will offend religious people?  Heck, the Internet is better than a billboard campaign, because religious nut cases can’t take down our content!”

Another source, Doug, showed clips from the alleged program.  In the first clip, AA president David Silverman is singing and throwing wooden religious symbols in to a pile.  He is then handed a menorah with nine lit candles.

“Let’s stop all this jive!”  He sings, then throws the menorah into the pile.  The pile ignites into a bonfire and he sings, “And burn down all the lies!”  After holding the note for “lies” for several seconds, he stops and the song ends.  “Burn down all the lies!”  He says, then winks at the camera.

Explained Doug.  “We approached this like a 70s style Christmas TV variety show special.  That means you’ll get to see the hidden talents of our staff.  I think people will love Danielle Muscato’s rendition of ‘Jingle Bells’, and Amanda Knief’s dramatic reading of ‘No, Virginia  there’s isn’t a Santa Claus or a God!’”

Doug also added that the hour long special will feature several guest stars.

“I’m looking forward to Ayaan Hirsi Ali’s duet with a Mohammad impersonator as they sing, ‘Anything You Can Do.’”

Another of Doug clips shows a musical number that starts with atheist video blogger Jaclyn Glenn and conservative video blogger Christina Hoff Sommers  standing in a TV studio with wintery decorations.

Sommers:  The wage gap between men and women is only a few cents.  *Sings* But what’s a few cents between friends?
*Glenn nods*
Sommers:  (Talks) You know, Jaclyn, with all the advantages women have in our society, I think it’s only fair that women should at least give a few cents back to men.
Glenn:  Exactly.  It’s just like Mario giving Luigi a head start?
Sommers:  Luigi?  Mario?
Glenn:  They’re from the video game scene.
Sommers:  Ah.  Something that makes the fake feminists scream.
*The both start tap dancing.  Later, a much older woman tap dances into the scene.*
Glenn:  Who is she?
Sommers:  Why, that’s your Based Grandmother, Phyllis Schlafly!

Added Doug, “Phyllis is going to be really mad when she finds out what she was actually a part of, but it was so worth it!”

Doug also showed another clip to prove that the special would, “have something for all freethinkers.”  

The clip starts with a diverse group of college students sitting in a lobby, looking sad.  The owner of Freethought Blogs, Ed Brayton walks in.

Brayton: Hello!
Students:  It’s Ed Brayton.
*Ashley F. Miller walks in with a ukulele*
Student 1:  It’s  Ashley F. Miller!  What are you doing in Michigan?  You must be so cold!
Miller:  When the Secular Student Alliance told me that there were students in distress during the holiday season, I had to come out and help!
Brayton:  So what’s the problem?
Student 2:  Tim Minchin canceled his concert because of the winter storm.  The religious students are being entertained by their churches, and we’re bored.
Brayton:  Well we can fix that.  I’ll entertain you with stories of Christian Right Wing stupidity!
Miller:  I’ll also help with by intersecting my singing voice with my ukulele playing!
*Students cheer*
Student 1:  You two are the best.
Student 3:  Wait!  I’m glad you two are here, but I really wanted to hear a live performance of “White Wine in the Sun.”
*Brayton and Miller look at each other.*
Brayton:  We can do that.
*Students cheer as Miller starts playing*

When asked to comment, Muscato would neither confirm or deny the story.

“Your readers should just tune into Atheist TV on December 25.  Either they will see this alleged special, or they will watch hours of quality atheist videos.  Either way, we win.  That’s much better than Pascal’s Wager.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Silverman said, “You’re saying that supporting protests against police violence in the black community would be a more effective minority outreach effort than putting up a billboard comparing Christianity to slavery?  Whoa!  That’s some serious mission drift!  There are police officers who are atheists and we don’t want to offend them.  We need their donations too.  Hello?”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Bolingbrook Police accused using the ‘Star Wars Holiday Special’ against suspects

Civil Liberties groups expressed outrage upon hearing rumors that the Bolingbrook Police show The Star Wars Holiday Special during interrogations.

“This is yet another example of law enforcement out of control!”  Said Paul Z. Jones, who claims to be a member of the Bolingbrook chapter of the American Civl Liberties Union.  “The American people suffered enough in 1978!  Now Bolingbrook is suffering again!”

The CBS special was broadcast in 1978, and is debatable how much influence George Lucas had during its production.  After being panned by critics and the Star Wars fans, it has never been rebroadcast or released on video.  Those who haven’t suppressed the show from their memories claim it is painful to watch, and even worse than the Star Wars Prequels.  Some Star Wars fan have called the show a crime against humanity.

According to sources within the police department, a detective was watching the show while having lunch with a suspect.  After 10 minutes, the sources say the suspect confessed to robbing a home.

“I’d never see anything like it.”  Said an officer who asked not to be identified.  “I wasn’t really paying attention to the show.  I just wanted to see if the WiFi worked in the interrogation room.  The suspect asked for a lawyer, so I had time to kill.  Suddenly, he started screaming in pain.  He said he’d tell me anything if I would just stop playing it.  I guess old George knew what he was doing.”

Another officer claims that the show helped crack a local carjacking ring.

“I was playing part of it, when my suspect started having problems breathing.  I asked him what was wrong, and he said he couldn’t believe anyone could make 70s era Jefferson Starship suck.  I told him if he didn’t come clean I would skip to the Bea Arthur duet with the Cantina band.  That worked wonders.”

Officers, according to the sources, noticed that the show worked too well.

“I saw this guy steal cigarettes at a gas station.  So I thought I’d play the show in his cell to make him confess.  The problem is, everyone in lockup confessed to the crime.  So I ended helping his lawyer more than my case.  Civil rights suck!  But you didn’t hear me say that!”

Finally, the sources agree, Bolingbrook's village attorney advised the police department not to use the show during interrogations.  The attorney explained that the video was pirated copy, and it’s contents have been considered a form of torture.  

“It is so horrendous,” He allegedly said, “The Ferguson police won’t use it.  Think about that.”

A spokesperson for the police department refused except to say that he hoped the police would have the opportunity to test their new tank on a newspaper office.

A spokesperson for Mayor Roger Claar said the police department would never knowing use a pirated video tape during interrogations.

In the background, and man who sounded like Claar yelled, “No, I will not ban the new Star Wars movie because it has a black Stormtrooper.  Did it ever occur to you that maybe the Empire finally realized that Jango Fett clones were a waste of money?  You saw how they fared against the Ewoks!” 

Also in The Babbler:

CFI Feline Fellows to attend 2015 convention
Gamergate announces campaign against reality
Claar to take vacation on Venus

God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/5/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Just asking questions about Thanksgiving

We hope all of our readers have a happy Thanksgiving and a safe Black Friday.  As has become a tradition at The Babbler, we're reposting a video by our columnist Dale Onofrey about the possible hidden secrets behind this all American holiday.  Remember, he's not saying its because of aliens...

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Martian Colonists deny detonating nuclear weapons on Mars.

By Reporter X.

Martian Colonial ambassador Okto Maguto angrily denied that the Martian Colonists have ever used nuclear weapons on Mars.

“Do we look like humans?”  Maputo asked the interstellar press corps.  “Do we look like the kind of beings that would use crude thermal nuclear devices to get what we want?”

Maguto's press conference followed the release of a Daily Mail article accusing the Martian Colonists of using nuclear weapons against a native Martian civilization.  In the article, physicist Dr John Brandenburg claims that two nuclear devices were used to wipe out two cities on Mars.  

“Once again, The Daily Mail has shown why it is synonymous with irresponsible journalism!”  Said Maguto.  “Let me make this perfectly clear, when we landed on Mars, it was already a dead planet.  When started tunneling under the surface, we found no signs of any civilizations.  Even if we wanted to destroy a civilization, which we don’t right now, we wouldn’t use nukes!  We would use antimatter bombs, particle beams, or just drop an asteroid on their sorry planet.”

According to interstellar historians, The Martian Colonists are from another galaxy are considered the most advanced race in the Milky Way Galaxy.  The colonists arrived on Mars several thousand year ago and established total control over it.  Human Space Agencies must get permission from the Colonists to explore Mars.  If they change their minds, they will destroy the probe without hesitation.

“Humanity is annoying.”  Said Maguto.  “You turn your planet into a garbage pit and fill your air with CO2.  Then they have the audacity to ask to colonize the surface of Mars.  If you want to put your dirty feet on our world, you will have to first shutdown The Daily Mail!”

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for The Mail insisted they did nothing wrong.  

“We’re just reporting what John said.  You can’t expect us to actually research our stoires.  Do you realize how boring our paper would be if we strove for accuracy?  

Brandenburg is also standing by his story.

“I don’t care what PZ Myers says!  Mars was attacked, and if we don’t send a manned expectation there soon, we’ll be next!”

Also in The Babbler:

Happy Thanksgiving
Martian Death Flu strikes Bolingbrook
Soviet Union unleashes snow attack on Chicagoland

God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/29/14
Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, November 17, 2014

Sources: Mayor Claar has hidden cryogenic chamber in Rocket Ice Arena

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar has a cryogenic chamber hidden inside Rocket Ice Arena, anonymous sources say.

The sources agree that that Claar is making mortgage payments for the chamber to the owner of Rocket Ice Arena, which resides in a building owned by the village.  As detailed by the Chicago Tribune, the chamber is paid for by limiting rent to 1 percent of the rink’s annual gross revenue, and by allowing the owner to use the building as collateral for business loans.  

“It’s a good thing that Tribune reporter didn’t find out about the chamber, or we’d really be in trouble.”  Said one of the sources.

According to the sources, Claar intends to have his body frozen if he ever gets a terminal illness or is near death.  It his intention, the sources say, that he be revived in 2065 just before the anniversary of Bolingbrook’s incorporation.

“The revival of the greatest mayor in the history of Bolingbrook would be an excellent centennial gift to Bolingbrook.”  Said another source.  “Imagine what America’s bicentennial would have been like if a founding father had been revived.  Now imagine what the future residents of Bolingbrook are going to experience when Roger wakes up in their time!”

Other sources claim that other chambers have been added to Rocket since it was built in 1999.  These additional chambers are intended for members of Claar’s family, as well as close personal friends.

“He likes to think of the other chambers as incentives for certain residents to donate to his campaign fund.”  Said a third source.  "Also, he doesn't want to be alone in the future.  He'll need staffers in case he decides to run for mayor in the far future!"

When asked to comment, a manager of Rocket Ice Arena made unprintable comments before hanging up. 

A spokesperson for Claar denied that he was paying  for any cryogenic preservation or that the village would pay to have Claar preserved.

“Roger feels that an ice rink is a worthwhile investment in for Bolingbrook.  If it weren’t for the ice rink we would have been force to tear down a relatively new building.  Now the village gets to keep the building and get a little bit of revenue from it.  As long as the current owner doesn’t default on his loans of course.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “I’m not asking for the Blackhawks to move here.  You could start a really minor league hockey league team in Bolingbrook, and I will do my best to support it.  No?  Well would you at least consider moving the IceHogs here?  Hello?”

Also in The Babbler:

Soviets fail to freeze out Bolingbrook
Pagans lift curse placed on the Bears
Comet 67P matriarchy accepts Matt Taylor’s apology

God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/20/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.