Monday, April 13, 2015

Rochelle Reader: Hub 35 UFO Base recovers from 4/9/15 Tornado strike

By Reporter Y

Hub 35 UFO Base sustained minimal damage from a EF4 tornado that struck the Rochelle area on April 9, 2015.

Said Administrator Blake, “This is why most of Hub 35 was built underground.  My superiors wanted us to install weather control machines, but they’re still unreliable.  Last week, we proved that the best and cheapest place to survive a tornado is underground.”

After the storm, many volunteered to help with the clean up the grounds onto of Hub 35

“Most of the debris came from other people’s homes.”  Said Gol, a visitor from Alpha Centauri.  “It makes me appreciate the damage wind can cause, even on a small planet like Earth.  I was safe, but not everyone outside was.

Obgo, a visitor from Kapteyn, says his craft “surfed” the tornado during the storm.

“Our batteries were kind of low, and we wanted to save some money.  So when we detected the tornado, we decided to syphon off some of it’s energy.  Plus, I’ll be honest, is fun to surf a tornado, especially when you turn off the stabilizers, and enjoy the bumps and spins.  However, I felt guilty when I realized that two people died from the storm.  We should have done more to help.  I think from now on I will stick to surfing Jupiter’s Great Red Spot.  No one dies, unless you run out of fuel.”

Though aliens staying at Hub 35 are currently forbidden from interacting with Rochelle residents, Bogo, another visitor from Kapteyn, confessed to sneaking off base to help with the clean efforts.

“My friends and I use to visit Grubsteakers restaurant every weekend.  Now the place is totally destroyed.  Their food brought me so much joy, the least I could do was help them clean up.  I wish your government would let me use my nanobots to fix the building, but your New World Order won't let me.”

Obgo also admitted to trying to comfort a Rochelle family who lost their home to the storm.

“At night time, I put on my glowing space suit and floated over to their hotel window.  When the male came to the door, I told him that I was an angel, and that they should not despair, for the old bearded man in the sky had spared them so they could witness the birth of their savior who lead them to a place of free milk and free honey.  He seemed happy, and I thought I was helping.  I later learned from the Men in Black that the family was sad because they thought an angel had told them that Jesus wasn’t their savior, and they would have to convert to Judaism.  This would mean losing their Christian friends and having to drive to Rockford on Friday nights to attend services.  I only wanted to help, but now I understand that it is best not to meddle in human affairs.”

Blake said that all aliens, and humans, who want to help Rochelle recover from the tornado should visit the Rochelle municipal web page for more information.

Also in The Reader:

Rochelle resident says bullets ineffective against tornados
Image of Ayn Rand appears in Tornado debris
Ghosts assist with cleanup efforts

God blesses the survivors of the tornado

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Exclusive: Art Bell Party contests 2015 Bolingbrook Village Board election

Did space aliens secure the FPB's 2015 victory?
Bolingbrook’s Art Bell Party is contesting the 2015 Village Board election, claiming that space aliens illegally influenced the final result.

“There is no way we only got 3 votes!”  Said Michael Faith, spokesperson for the Art Bell Party.  “Even the Skepchick Party got 9 votes!  A skeptic would say that our candidates only voted for themselves, and not the other party members.  We say it’s more likely aliens used mind control rays on our candidates.”

Faith also claims that Art Bell Party observers witnessed at least 5 disguised space aliens attempting to vote. 

Said one anonymous observer, “I asked a woman if she knew who Art Bell is.  She gave this very odd laugh and said she didn’t know.  Only a fake American wouldn’t know who Art Bell is, space aliens are a kind of fake American!”

The Art Bell Party filed the complaint shortly after incumbents Leroy Brown, Rick Morales, and Patricia Schanks were declared the unofficial winners of the 2015 board election.  Experts consulted by The Babbler doubt the complaint will be successful.

“Will County government is under the control of shape-shifting reptoids, and they will reject any election challenge that might expose them.”  Said Bob, a Bolingbrook resident with a PhD ABD in UFOlogy.  “This shows that Roger will do anything to get his candidates elected!”

The incumbents refused to be interviewed.  The First Party for Bolingbrook e-mailed a statement say that their candidates will continue the party’s tradition of abstaining from interviews.

“We prefer to address the public directly through political advertising and Roger’s letter to every citizen of Bolingbrook.  Bolingbrook residents are only interested in voting for us, not reading sensationalized stories only designed to sell newspapers.”

A spokesperson for Mayor Roger Claar, leader of the First Party for Bolingbrook, said Claar refuses to speak to any reporters until incumbents are sworn in for another term.

“It is bad luck!”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Bob.  You may be for Bolingbrook, but I am Bolingbrook! Never underestimate the power of my campaign fund!”

Faith is asking all “freedom loving Bolingbrook residents” to pray for the party to succeed in its challenge.

“Bolingbrook isn’t free as long as aliens can influence our elections!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Friday, April 3, 2015

Bolingbrook’s political parties speak out: A Decision 2015 Special Report

On Tuesday, April 7th.  Bolingbrook’s residents will select three people to each serve a four year term on the Village Board.  The Babbler asked all of Bolingbrook’s political parties, and independent candidates to submit a brief statement.  To our surprise, we received replies representing all the candidates on the ballot, The First Party for Bolingbrook (Leroy Brown, Patricia Schanks and Rick Morales) and Robert Jaskiewicz.  We also received responses from two write-in parties, The Roger Claar Party, and The Skepchick Party.

“Bob for Bolingbrook”

Note: This was sent to us by a member of Jaskiewicz’s campaign, who asked to remain anonymous.

As most Babbler readers know, there are many unbelievable things in Bolingbrook, like the three First Party for Bolingbrook trustee candidates.

They’ve served at least 12 years on the board, and all they have to show for it are a list of committees they’ve served on and awards they’ve received from politically connected organizations.  What have they actually done?  They claim Leroy Brown created 5,687 jobs in Bolingbrook.  How?  They claim that Patricia Schanks and Rick Morales have years of experience.  Doing what?  Rubber stamping Mayor Roger Claar’s directives?

Robert Jaskiewicz is a true community leader who has served on the Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce board of directors, The Adventist Hospital board of directors, and the Bolingbrook Police Pension Board.  He’s made sure that the organizations are run fairly, efficiently, and honestly.  He doesn’t believe in sweetheart deals, or profiting off the work of others.

If believe a village trustee should have those qualities, then there’s only one candidate you should vote for.  Bob is for Bolingbrook, and Bolingbrook should be for Bob!

The Roger Claar Party
“A Great Mayor deserves a great party”

Note:  The Roger Claar Party is not affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar.

There is a Bob out there.  Some say he’s not like the other Bob that opposed the Great Mayor Roger Claar.  Other’s aren’t sure.  

Some say that it’s worth risking Bolingbrook’s future because they don’t like a few of Roger’s many difficult decisions.  Some say we should trust Bob, just like Bolingbrook should have trusted that other Bob.

That other Bob is gone, and his organization is in ruins and its only financial supporter is in jail.  Imagine what he could have done to Bolingbrook?

Do you want to take a chance with another Bob?

We say no.  We say stay the course, and support Mayor Roger Claar!  We are the only party that fully supports Roger, and the future he represents!

The so called “First Party for Bolingbrook” can’t say that.  Their candidates are hiding from shadow of Bob.  When Roger need surgery, did any of them offer to donate blood or their organs to them?  No.  We would have, but only a restraining order kept us from asking him in person!

On April 7, vote for the only party that would make the ultimate sacrifice for Roger, because he is still the future of Bolingbrook!

Dave Nelson
Chairman of The Roger Claar Party

The Skepchick Party
“The Awesome people of Bolingbrook deserve an awesome party”

Note:  This party is not affiliated with nor funded by the Skepchick network. None of the Skepchick bloggers contacted by The Babbler endorsed this party.

Last month, we went to ChiFi, and it was awesome!  We met Rebecca Watson and the other Skepchicks, and they were awesome!  We left the convention feeling awesome!  Now we want to bring the awesome to the Bolingbrook Village Board!

We think Mayor Claar means well, but there is more to running the government than being nice to businesses.  A village board should also look out for the well being of its residents, and that’s where we can help.

Here is our platform for a better Bolingbrook:

  1. Woo Free Village Events  People want to enjoy the Village Picnic without some chiropractor, homeopath, or alternative medicine guru forcing nonsense on them.  If elected, we will insist that only science based health providers be allowed at village events.  Misinformation has no place at village events!
  2. Religious Neutrality:  Sure “Religious Liberty” sounds nice, until your life is threatened because a doctor won’t treat you for a religious reason, or you can’t eat at one of our fine restaurants because the owner says he only serves believers in The Flying Spaghetti Monster.  If elected to the board, we will make sure that the village serves and protects all residents, and that religious selfishness has no place here.
  3. Support for all genders: Unlike The First Party for Bolingbrook, we understand that there are more than two genders.  If elected, we will make sure that all genders feel welcome when dealing with the village.  All village facilities will have gender neutral bathrooms!  All village forms will list more gender options, and all village employees will politely ask for your preferred pronouns.  We firmly believe that greater diversity will lead to a greater Bolingbrook!
  4. A campaign fund that’s only used for campaigning!  A quick glance at Roger’s campaign fund expenditures shows that he has a very liberal definition of what a “campaign expenditure” is.  Out of state hotel bills?  Gas for his car?  Donations to charities and other political campaigns?  We believe that a campaign fund should only be used for your campaign, and not as supplemental income.  If elected, any additional donations beyond what we need will be returned to the donors.  Instead we will ask them to donate to worthy causes, like Rebecca Watson’s Patreon page, Surly Amy’s Patreon page, or Foundation Beyond Belief. We don’t want the appearance that we’re being influenced by campaign donors!  

Why are we running candidates for village trustee?  Because you’re awesome, and you deserve to be represented by an awesome party!

Coordinator for The Skepchick Party

Vote for all three of our candidates!

Note: This was submitted by a party member who asked to remain anonymous.

We are the only political party in Bolingbrook endorsed by Mayor Roger Claar, funded by Roger and running candidates approved by Roger!

*Drops the mike*

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Web Exclusive! Hundreds of alien refugees flee Indiana into Illinois

Fearing possible persecution, hundreds of aliens fled Indiana’s UFO bases after Governor Mike Pence signed the Religious Freedom Restoration Act. 

Both of Illinois major UFO bases, Clow UFO Base in Bolingbrook and Hub 35 in Rochelle, are experiencing record breaking influx of visitors, many of whom left Indiana with only their space suit and a few days of supplies.

Thomas Xavier, the New World Order’s overseer for Illinois’s UFO bases, expressed confidence that both bases could handle the sudden arrival of refugees.

“Illinois was built by immigrants, and we know how to handle immigrants.  Indiana’s misfortune is Illinois’s gain.”

While supporters of the law say it will prevent local governments from creating an undue burden on religious believers, critics and aliens claim the law will allow discrimination if it can be backed up by religious belief.

Despite reassurances by officials in Indiana’s Stellar Outreach department, many aliens, like Pochku, choose to flee.

“I am a lesbian demisexual solo polyamorous space alien.  Do you think any Earth religion is going to tolerate me?  You religions can’t even handle mixed fabric.  Now its considered an undue burden to prevent a religious person from discriminating against me, or worse, killing me.  Indiana is a horrible state of mind!”

Loadock, a former resident of Heltonville UFO Base, claims that a local resident shot at the base, minutes after the bill was signed.

“The human was immediately approached by the local police.  He just smiled and held up his Bible.  He said that the Bible tells him that aliens are demons, and his religious beliefs require him to shoot at us.  Arresting him would place an undue burden on his religious beliefs.  The police let him go.  How bluegoo is that?”

Loadock claims that once the alien visitors were informed of the incident, they panicked.

“Most had their own ships, but several of us were stuck without a craft.  We couldn’t take a chance by waiting.”  

The aliens without a UFO, according to Loadock, tried to either bribe, fight or sneak onto a departing craft.

“I will never forget the sight of dozens of beings falling to their deaths as a spacecraft rose into the air.  I hope Indiana chokes on its religious freedom!”

Xavier insisted that the panic is unnecessary.

“All UFO bases are considered interstellar territory.  They are immune from state and national laws.  All New World Order bases are discrimination free zones, and, with the exception of Area 51, seek to provide a safe space for all visitors!”

Sarah, a spokesperson for Americans United for the Separation of Church and State, expressed sympathy for the aliens plight.  “Religious freedom does not mean the freedom to discriminate.  These laws need to be stopped, or else the United States will lose universal knowledge because of fundamentalism!  Americans United is dedicated to stopping both religious and atheist extremists from abusing the power of government to impose their beliefs on others!  Don’t tell Chris Stedman I talked to you guys!”

Dave, a spokesperson for God’s Indiana, is glad aliens are leaving Indiana.

“They don’t belong here.  The Bible states in plain English that any one not from this Earth is either a devil or angel.  Anyone connected to the New World Order is a devil, and we must smite them.  The government has the burden of proving us wrong!”

Indiana officials could not be reached for comment.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, March 9, 2015

See you on April 13th!

From the Editor:

Our staff will be taking a break from updating our web page until April 13, so we can devote more time to our special project.  We promise to be back then, and no, we haven't been taken over by aliens!  Instead, we hope to unveil our surprise before the end of the year!

Sara Langston
Editor of The Bolingbrook Babbler

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Chicago mayor blames UFOs for forcing runoff election

Sources say Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel is blaming UFOs for forcing him into a runoff election.

“I saw (expletive deleted) lights in the sky the night before the election.”  A source claims Emanuel said.  “The next day I only got 45% of the vote.  It’s no (expletive deleted) coincidence.”

Emanuel, according to the sources, is consulting with Ufologists  to prevent future tampering, and, at the same time, is using his own interstellar connections to ‘enlighten’ Chicago voters.

“Rahm feels like the universe has pulled down his pants.”  Said one source, who always wanted to be quoted as an anonymous source for The Babbler.  “So if can’t win, he’ll make every interstellar civilization pay for embarrassing him!”

Other sources say Emanuel is blaming Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar for the aliens’ interference in Chicago’s election.

According to a source, many in Bolingbrook’s covert government departments feel that the proposed George Lucas museum is a cover for an illegal UFO base.  Bolingbrook officials suspect that once the museum is completed, the UFO traffic will be so heavy that the New World order will have no choice but to accept the base.

“This will put Clow UFO Base out of business!”  Said the source.  “So obviously Roger is playing hardball to protect his base, and his village’s economy.”

More sources claim that Emanuel sent an “obscene” letter to Claar accusing him of using alien technology to rig the election.

“Keep your (expletive deleted) aliens out of my (expletive deleted) city or I will turn your (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) village into a village of the damned and I will make sure that G_d damns your (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) too!”

Claar allegedly responded by sending Emanuel a thesaurus.

When asked to comment, Emanuel replied, “I don’t need to blame your (expletive deleted) fake (expletive deleted)  aliens.  The simple fact is the residents of Chicago (expletive deleted) up because it was too cold on election day.  I’m confident that in April, they’ll clean up the (expletive deleted) they created.”

A spokesperson for the Jesus “Chuy” Garcia campaign simply replied, “We believe that a Chuy victory will show the universe that intelligent life exists in Chicago!”

When reached for comment, Claar’s receptionist said he was in the middle of a phone call with Governor Bruce Rauner, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said.  “You want to use the shock doctrine on Illinois?  Fine!  Just leave my village out of it!”

Also in The Babbler:

Satanic dating app tested in Bolingbrook
Opinion: American Atheists are clueless about basic politics
Skepchick Party promises not to purge Bolingbrook of men or creationists if elected

God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/6/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Dan Savage savaged by aliens at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

What started as a question and answer session with sex expert Dan Savage at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base quickly turned into a near riot.  No arrests were made, but the session was cut short and Men in Blue escorted Savage to safety.

“You’re all a bunch of little green men!”  Savage shouted as he was leaving.

“That’s an insult towards aliens!” An anonymous alien replied.

“Boo hoo!”  Savage sarcastically snapped back.  “Are you going to file a complaint about how I hurt your feelings?”

“No!”  The alien replied.  “We’d rather you rinse your mouth out with santorum!”  

Savage tried to lunge at the alien, but he was restrained by MiBs and removed from the room.

Though warmly greeted at the start of session, Savage’s problem started when three beings from the Scholz star system approached a microphone to start the questions.  They described themselves as a “triple.”  One described himself as male, and the other as female.  The third, Dazgoo, described itself as a “zulblu.”  

“What is a zulblu?”  Asked Savage.

“That’s my gender.”  Dazgoo proudly replied.

“I suppose you have you have preferred pro-nouns you’ll ask me to use.”  Savage countered.

“Um.  The proper pronouns for zulblu are zu, blu, goo, and zal.”

“No!”  Shouted Savage.  “I’m not using those words, and I’ll be damned if we’re going to add a “z” to the gay movement!  John Aravosis is right.  We already have too many letters in our movement!  Unless you’re an alien—”

“Yes, I am from another solar system.”  Dazgoo happily replied.  The crowd muttered in agreement.

“I suppose you also claim to be asexual.”

Dazgoo shook his head, but another alien yelled, “I can reproduce asexually!”

Savage growled, then said, “Look!  There are four things that are undeniably true.  There’s no such thing as bisexuals.  There’s no such thing as asexuals.  There are only two genders, and there’s no such thing as space aliens.”

At that point, the session turned into a shouting match.

Dazgoo expressed blu disappointment.

“We just wanted his advice on buying a bed for a sexually active human couple we know.  He didn’t have to be so nasty towards us.  If he had given me a chance to explain, I could have told him that zulblu are a biological sex as well as a gender.  Among my species, the zulblu are the ones who carry babies to term.  Males and females just deposit their reproductive cells inside of us.”

A spokesperson for Clow UFO Base explained that this was a simple misunderstanding.  Savage, he explained, sincerely believed that he was actually at a LGBT science fiction conviction.  He also assumed that the aliens visitors were really humans in costume.

“He didn’t mean to be offensive.”  Said the spokesperson.  “Therefore he wasn’t offensive.  We hope our guests will understand this bit of human logic.”

The spokesperson added that Savage’s memory of the session was erased, and he now has no knowledge about the presence of interstellar aliens on Earth.

When reached for comment, Savage denied any knowledge about space aliens, and also denied that he had ever spoken in Bolingbrook.

“If you don’t leave me alone, I’ll have the Internet redefine your publication as a piece of (expletive deleted!)”

Also in The Babbler:

Claar to raise UFO tax
Adventist hospital revives Bolingbrook man frozen for one month
Soviets vow to turn Chicago into ‘Sibera West’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/1/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.