Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Internet trolls threaten Bolingbrook

A “leaderless” group of Internet trolls is threatening to bring down Bolingbrook, unless they evict all “social justice warriors” from the village.

Gamergate has shown us the way!”  Said SlashX, one of the “respected” members of trolls.  “We will purge Bolingbrook of uppity women!  I mean social justice warriors!”

The currently nameless group will conduct a “full scale protest” to “downsize” Bolingbrook’s economy.  First they will send “harsh” messages to every Bolingbrook residential e-mail they can find.  If any resident complains, they will accuse the resident of faking the e-mails.  Second, the collective will sponsor a crowdsourced effort to contact every local business and “politely” ask them to leave Bolingbrook.  They hope to be able flood every Bolingbrook business with thousands of e-mails.

“I’m willing to create 10 e-mail accounts a day.  Plus we’ve got over a hundred form letters people can use.  They’ll be able to sniff us out!”

Third, the group will accuse any reporter of bias if they write an article involving Bolingbrook, and do not include any “honest prospectives” about the village.

Fourth, the group will organize boycotts of companies that have a manufacturing presence in Bolingbrook.

“We want to make ‘made in Bolingbrook’ a corporate death sentence.”

Finally, the group will raise funds to support candidates for office in Bolingbrook that will work to abolish Bolingbrook.

“Of course.”  Said SlashX.  “This can be avoided if Bolingbrook would just purge Bolingbrook of gays!  I mean social justice warriors!”

The group formed after Jill Z. Quintburg, a 25 year Bolingbrook resident, announced that she was going to create a new social network platform.

“I read this great article by Lindy West about how she wants a social network that has effective tools to combat harassment.  She called it, ‘Echo Chamber.’  I loved the article, and since I’m a programer, I decided to start work on my version of Echo Chamber.”

Quintburg announced her intention over Twitter.

“Big mistake.”  Said Quintburg.

According to Quintburg, she started receiving death threats and nasty messages online.

“It is disturbing to see so many attempts to hack my e-mail and fake Twitter accounts trying to impersonate me.  I complained about it online, and those trolls accused me to faking the whole thing because the trolls end their sentences with periods.  Can you believe that?  They also tried to drive me out of my home, but the address they posted was for the Bolingbrook Police Department.  So I’m lucky, compared to most women online.”

SlashX said that not all members of the collective harassed Quintburg and therefore the group can’t be blamed.

“Sure it started out as aggressive messaging towards her, but now we’ve moved on to—Hey Joe, can you think of a cause that’s important to SJWs?”

“Locally grown organic food.”  Came a reply in the background.

“Yeah!  Now we’re all united behind supporting locally grown organic food!  You can’t call us sexist if we support natural food!  The best way to support locally grown organic food is to purge liberals, I mean social justice warriors, from Bolingbrook or purge Bolingbrook from Illinois!”

A spokesperson for Mayor Roger Claar said the village was not aware of the group, but was not concerned.  “We handled The Watchdogs of Bolingbrook.  We can handle these hackers.  Now I have go back to helping Roger prepare his speech to at risk youth.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “A village is like piece of music.  It needs treble and bass to work.  If you doubt me, trying listening to Meghan Trainor without treble!”

Also in The Babbler:

Babbler to shutdown next week for remodeling
Martian Colonies repel invasion force.
Sources: Solider Field cursed

God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/24/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Riot ends Jamie Kilstein/Dinesh D’Souza debate at Clow UFO Base

Godless comic Jamie Kilstein spotted at Clow UFO Base hours after a riot he participated in.
What was promoted by Clow UFO Base as a fiery debate between progressive atheist Jamie Kilstein and conservative Christian Dinesh D’Souza turned into a real riot.  By the time Clow’s security forces restored order, over 100 aliens and humans were detained.  Damage from the riot is estimated to be around $10 million dollars.

“We expected some figurative sparks from this debate.”  Said Jeff Wagg, The New World Order’s liaison to Clow UFO Base.  “We didn’t expect real fires 15 minutes in.”

 After the introductions in front of a crowd of aliens and humans, D’Souza started the debate with a 12 minute speech which many eyewitnesses described as rambling and confusing.  During the speech, D’Souza accused President Obama of stealing the Ebola virus from the Martian Colonies so he could use it to destroy the “civilized world.”  He added that Obama tried to be clever by starting the infection in Northwest Africa, but he wasn’t fooled.

“He actually reflected his father’s tribal hatred for those people and his own Islamic communist desire to destroy the civilized world by planting the seeds of its destruction in Liberia, a colony proudly founded by the United States, the greatest government in the universe!”

D’Souza also stated that the existence of alien Muslims proved the existence of Satan, while the existence of alien Christians proved the existence of God.

When it was Kilstein’s turn to speak, he said, “What the (Expletive Deleted) was that?”

Debate moderator Michael Nugent, who is also the president of Atheist Ireland, immediately declared D’Souza the winner of the debate.

“You used a naughty word.”  Nugent said.  “Mr. D’Souza didn’t use any.  So I must declare him the winner, and you must respect my decision if you want me to think of you as a rational person.”

When Kilstein used another profane word, Nugent said he required an hour of uninterrupted speaking time to explain his, “nuanced and reasonable” decision.

D’Souza interjected, “This is proof that conservative Christian humans are the superior form of life in all of the universe!”

Goz Goose, from the Large Magellanic Cloud Alliance, was the first to attempt to storm the stage.

“I thought it was a Blazagost decision, and I still do.  That debate moderation actually thought the presentation of an idea is more important than the actual idea.  I wanted to get into his face and yell, ‘You exist, dolgot!’  Then he would have to explain why he still existed even though I used a vulgarity to express my argument!”

Goose was immediately sprayed with a riot foam by The Men in Blue.  Instead of being intimidated, others in the audience rushed at the stage.  Seconds later, laser fire was exchanged between the crowd and security.

In the confusion, someone gave the order to have Kilstein arrested.  To everyone’s amazement, Kilstein defeated five Men in Blue in hand to hand combat.

“The Men in Blue fought him one at a time.”  Said an anonymous eyewitness.  “After he broke the arm of the fifth one, they finally realized that they needed to attack him as a group.”

Thirty minutes later, security finally restored order.  Kilstein was released after two hours in custody and suspended from Clow for three months.  No such restriction was placed on D’Souza.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar promised an investigation into the cause of the riot and said that there would be policy changes implemented.

“As much as my political party loves guns, maybe it’s not a good idea to allow concealed weapons during emotional events like this.”

D’Souza’s parole officer refused to let this reporter speak with him.

Kilstein could not be reached for comment, but his wife and podcast co-host, Allison Kilkenny, did comment.


“Boy your publication is a big example of #newsfail.  Your informed readers might be interested in our new book, Newsfail!  I’m sure they’ll understand exactly what I’m talking about!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Everything is OK

Last weekend, several former staff members of the Phantom Press decided to haunt our office.  Thanks to our staff psychics, we were able to chase them away in a matter of hours, instead of days.  We're back in business, and we should post a new article very soon.  Thank you for your patience.

Sara Langston, editor of The Bolingbrook Babbler.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Postponed

Due to an extraordinary circumstance, the next article will be posted on Sunday.  We're sorry for the inconvenience.  All will be explained.

Sara Langston, Editor of The Bolingbrook Babbler.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Naperville residents demand invasion of Bolingbrook to ‘fight ISIS’

Following the arrest of a Bolingbrook resident for allegedly attempting to join ISIS, some Naperville residents are demanding an invasion of Bolingbrook.

“We just can’t take the chance!”  Said Paula, who asked that we not use her last name.  “The police swore to serve and protect Naperville!  As a resident they serve, I’m ordering them to protect me by invading Bolingbrook, arresting every bearded resident, and forcing the remaining residents to become Christians!  It’s the only way!”

Many of the Naperville residents who spoke with The Babbler expressed their fear that Bolingbrook is now a “base of operations” for ISIS.  

“Secret Muslims have overrun Bolingbrook.”  Said Michael, who also asked that we not use his last name.  “Last summer I saw a bunch of them walking towards a building with prayer rugs.  When I confronted one of them, he tried to fool me into thinking that he was holding a beach towel and he was going to Pelican Harbor Aquatic Park.  I wasn’t fooled!  That was a prayer rug, and he was going to a semi-nude mosque!”

Jane X Silverton, also expressed her fears.  “Sure I don’t have any evidence that Bolingbrook is really a terrorist base.  The problem is, the only evidence we might find is a fleet of airplanes launching from Clow Airport and crashing into our downtown!  We can’t take that chance!  Our police officers have to move into Bolingbrook and pacify it before they behead all the good men and force women like me to cover up!”

A Naperville resident, who would only call himself Bulldog, plans to start an online petition to force the City of Naperville to “arrest, detain, and question” all Bolingbrook residents and to put Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar on trial for “committing war crimes against his critics.”

“Naperville must stop the muslim communist fascist atheistic dictatorship that hast festered for too long!  We are Naperville!  We have a reputation to uphold.  Tolerating a neighboring caliphate is not part of that reputation!”

Bulldog also suggested that Naperville should build settlements in Bolingbrook to help “contain the threat.”

“It’s not like they’re using the land for anything besides causing trouble.  We should take their land and use it for good!  Land for peace is what I say!”

When asked to comment, a man who claimed to be Naperville Mayor George Pradel laughed.  “We’re not going to invade Bolingbrook.  We have no reason to fear The Muslim Association of Bolingbrook.  Besides, Bolingbrook is a great place to live, but we’re better!”

When asked to comment, an anonymous spokesperson told this reporter that the world should not judge Bolingbrook based on the actions of, “One confused young man.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Richard, if I ever need help from an atheist, which I don’t, I can get it from Chris Stedman! He’s nicer than you, and might even apologize to me for not believing in God!  We need more atheists like him, and less like you!”

Also in The Babbler:

Sick space alien does not have Ebola, say Clow UFO Base officials
Gay aliens prepare to get married in Indiana
Bigfoot spotted in Chicago

God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/8/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, September 29, 2014

Zombies crash Chicagoland Rosh Hashanah celebrations

Chicagoland’s Jewish community received several surprise visitors from beyond the grave during Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish new year.

According to one eyewitnesses, who asked not to be named, a pack of zombies stopped by a Skokie synagogue.

“It was after the service when we heard a knocking on the front door.  Our rabbi asked who it was, then opened the door.  We saw about 4 zombies standing at the door, dressed in burial clothes.  They said, ‘Shanah Tovah!’ at the same time.  Rabbi slammed the door shut and yelled, ‘The zombie apocalypse has started!  Barricade the doors and windows!  We must protect the Torah at all cost!’”

In another incident, Lydia, who asked that we not use her last name, claimed that a zombie visited her orthodox synagogue.  Her rabbi covered the zombie in a white cloth and then guided the zombie to the front of the reception room.  He asked for the congregation’s attention.

“Alright!  Which one of you tried to make a flesh golem?”  The rabbi allegedly said.  “You’re supposed to use clay, not flesh!  If you are the creator of this unfortunate creature, you will need to see me now.  You will need more than one day to atone for your actions!”

Unlike movie zombies, none of these zombies attempted to eat living people.  All of the zombies were of Jewish descent, and were described as mostly friendly.  Some however, engaged in theological arguments, including debating whether the Zionist Movement should have created Israel before the return of the Messiah.  Other zombies engaged in more personal arguments.

Paula, who asked that we not use her last name, said her zombie grandfather accosted her during her synagogue’s Rosh Hashanah reception.

“After we got over the shock of seeing each other, he told me that I shouldn’t have married a shkutz.  The nerve!  I asked if he wanted to personally tell each of his great grandchildren that they shouldn’t have been born.  That shut him up!  You know, there’s a reason people die!”

All the zombies returned to their graves at sundown following Rosh Hashanah.  No injuries or attacks were reported.  Zombies who spoke to Chicagoland’s rabbis claim they were brought back to life when they heard the “perfect sound” of two Shofars, or ceremonial musical instruments made from a ram’s horn.

Paranormal investigators are now searching the Chicago area for two cursed Shofars in hopes of preventing another zombie uprising.

Said Benjamin Almon, noted paranormal investigator, “We believe these Shofars are in the possession of an organization that is respectful of Jewish Culture, but at the same times lacks a health fear of G_d.  If you know what is best for you, you will leave the ‘o’ out when you quote me!”

An anonymous steering committee member of Kol Hadash Humanist Congregation, denied having a role in the zombie uprising.

“Oh our Shofars are perfectly normal.  There’s no such thing as a cursed horns.  Anyway, your secular Jewish readers might be interested in attending our Yom Kippur services on Friday and Saturday.  We still have tickets available.”

Also in The Babbler:

Special Report: Atheist  Movement meltdown
Bolingbrook welcomes emergency Martian delegation
Mayor Claar promises longer Weredeer hunting season

God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/1/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, September 22, 2014

American Lake Water Company unleashes atheist ‘thought leaders’ upon Mayor Claar!

American Lake Water Company escalated its conflict with the Northern Will County Water Agency by hiring atheist “thought leaders” to attack Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.

According to various sources in Bolingbrook Village Hall and within the company, American Lake Water Company has hired the so-called “thought leaders” of the atheist movement to force the agency to withdraw its eminent domain lawsuit to seize the water infrastructure in Northern Will County, and part of its Lake Michigan water pipeline.  The company, according to the sources, hired the leaders because of their successful efforts to drive women out of the atheist movement.  

“Roger has forced us to use extreme tactics to defend our pipeline!”  Said an anonymous source within the company.  “His agency and him didn’t take the hint when a judge ordered them to pay our legal bills.  No, he had to refile the eminent domain lawsuit!  So we have no choice but to use a scorched earth policy against him!”

The campaign started, according to Village Hall sources, when Michael Shermer, head of the Skeptics Society, attempted to meet Claar without an appointment.  Claar said he would give him a few minutes of his time.  According to eyewitnesses, Shermer started by praising the free market system, and accused Claar of disrupting “the invisible hand of the market which, unlike a Sagan Dragon, is real and the only approved way to regulate human interaction.”

When Shermer tried to argue that all Bolingbrook governmental functions should be turned over to private interests, Claar walked away to use his bathroom.  When Claar emerged, eyewitnesses say Claar caught Shermer pouring vodka into his coffee cup.  When confronted with attempting to spike Claar’s drink, he allegedly replied, “I know you believe you saw me enhance your drink, but you have to understand that most people believe weird things, and that’s why you trust a skeptic like me, instead of your own unreliable senses.”

Claar ordered Shermer to leave Village Hall.  As he left, Shermer told Claar, “Though I may be a victim of your witch hunt, I will not attack you over the Internet.  My powerful friends and skeptical followers will do that for me.”

An hour after Shermer left, an anonymous “skeptic” started an Internet chat with Claar.  Sources within village hall released part of the transcript.
Skeptic:  You are a thief.
Claar:  Who are you, and why are you calling me a thief?
Skeptic:  You steal things.  That makes you a thief.
Claar:  What do you think I stole?
Skeptic:  I just told you!
Thirty minute later, Irish atheist leader Michael Nugent called Claar and told him that he was going to “arbitrate the dispute” between Claar and American Lake Water Company.

“You shouldn’t have publicly accused my friends of raising rates while providing poor service.  As everyone in the secular community knows, I don’t care what my friends do.  I only care about people who try to make my friends look bad to the public.”

Claar, according to the eyewitnesses, told off Nugent.

“You obviously have me confused with a female blogger!  I have a police force that takes its responsibility to protect me seriously!  I have a village attorney and a law firm at my disposal.  I also have the funds to support any legal action I choose to initiate, and if I need more money, I can get it from the taxpayers.  Not only will the taxpayers support me, they’ll feel bad that they can’t give me more money!  You and your friends can keep trying to mess with me, but let me warn you.  If you mess with me, you are messing with Bolingbrook, because I am Bolingbrook, and we don’t like people trolling our community!”

Company sources vow to continue the campaign until the agency permanently withdraws its lawsuit.

“We will fight for as long as it takes.  Our hired thought leaders are just a tenacious as we are.  Just as they won’t stop until all overly critical females are purged from their organizations, we wont’ stop until we can profit off of every drop of water in Bolingbrook!”

When asked to comment, Claar replied, “I”m celebrating the Bears' victory right now.  Don’t bother me.”

No atheist “thought leaders” could be reached for comment.

Also in The Babbler:

Eyewitnesses spot time lord in Bolingbrook
Satanists vow to build satanic monument to Mayor Claar
Anti-psychic kitty responding well to chemotherapy
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/27/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.