Clow UFO Base security breaks up riot outside CSI consulate

By Reporter X

What started a peaceful protest outside the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry consulate office at Clow UFO base turned into a riot.  Clow officials confirm that 150 extraterrestrials, and 25 humans were injured.  There are no confirmed numbers of arrests, but it is believed to be in the hundreds.  

“This is a (expletive deleted) interstellar port, not a college town!”  Exclaimed Bolingbrook Mayor and Head Administrator Roger Claar.  “We cannot have a riot every time someone in skeptic movement says something offensive!”

The initially peaceful protest on Saturday was over remarks delivered by Center for Inquiry’s President and CEO Ronald Lindsay at Women in Secularism 2 conference. In the talk, he accused feminists of labeling female dissenters “fake feminists” and “sister punishers.”  He also accused feminists of using the theory of “privilege” to silence men.

“Shut up, because you’re a man and you cannot possibly know what it’s like to experience x, y, and z, and anything you say is bound to be mistaken in some way, but, of course, you’re too blinded by your privilege even to realize that.”  Said Lindsay, describing how he feels some feminists talk to men.

In response to the remarks, the Clow branch of Women in Interstellar Secularism and Clow Skeptics organized a protest the next day in front of the CSI consulate office.  CSI is affiliated with CFI and is the only skeptical group authorized to communicate with aliens, and coordinate the coverup alien visitations.  

“Ron remarks are the worst examples of mansplaining I have seen in this section of the galaxy!”  Exclaimed Lei Docu, co-facilitator of WIIS.  “Human secular women are being bulled, threatened, and intimidated into silence, and Ron thinks it is oppressive to ask a man to be quiet for a little bit to listen to a women?  Is it really mission drift to listen to a woman who isn’t insulting Rebecca Watson?  Is it really silencing if a man has to be quiet for a few seconds?  Is it oppressive if his views about women are challenged?”

Du Clout, a member of Clow Skeptics, accused Lindsay of violating the “Open Letter to the Skeptical Community.”

“The agreement clearly states that if you have a disagreement with another secular person, you try to work it out in person.  When Rebecca Watson called Ron’s speech odd, he could have asked to meet with her and talk it out.  Did he do that?  No!  He started a twitter and blog war with her! Even though she was no more than a few yards away!  How can we expect any CFI affiliated group to honor their treaty obligations, when they can’t even follow a simple letter they signed?”

The tense protest outside the closed office turned violent when an unnamed protestor tried to burn her CSI membership card.

“They don’t care about what I have to say!”  Yelled the protestor.  “I’m just a number to them!  They want me to put in a human woman suit so I can improve the male to female ratio at their conventions.  Never again!”

A Clow security guard fired a stun gun at the extraterrestrial female.  An unknown number of aliens with telekinetic powers attacked the guards.  Both sides then started attacking each other.

Scientist Claudia Zepher, not her real name, was one of the injured.  

“One minute I’m pushing a cart by the protest.  Then next thing I know I’m being knocked over by screaming visitors.  I managed to get up, but when I reached the cart, a flash grenade when off.  Let me tell you, it is scary to be blind in the middle of a riot.”

After several minutes, Clow officials restored order.  No death have been reported, but the consulate’s main window was broken.

Barry Karr, Director of CSI, released a statement denouncing the attack and urged calm.

“As I wrote in Skepchick, under my own free will, I denounce the hate directed at women in the secular community.  CSI will also continue to enforce the policy on hostile conduct at all of our events. We are committed to promoting critical thinking skills among humans and covering up all alien visitations.  CSI is committed to preparing humanity for its eventually introduction to the interstellar community by stamping out superstition and promoting scientific thinking.”

When reached for comment, Lindsay said he was too busy, “Fending off an invasion from an alternate universe” and hung up.  

When called, CFI Communications Director said he was in a hurry to catch his plane home.

“It’s no fun having one of your blog posts called out by your boss.  I hope I still have a job when I get home.”

Also in The Babbler:

Zombies attack Michigan Ave
Valley View Teacher’s contract excludes alien teachers
Claar denies plans to run for governor
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/21/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Clow UFO Base scientists return alternate DJ Grothe to his home universe

Is this a D.J. Grothe from another universe.
(Image similar to one taken by Ingrid Laas.)

By Reporter X

Sources at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base confirm an individual from a parallel universe was recovered, and returned to his universe.  The sources also confirm that the man was that universe’s version of the James Randi Educational Foundation president D.J. Grothe.

“We don’t get too many visitors from our neighboring universes.”  Said one anonymous source.    “Most of them can’t support life, and the ones that can, don’t have civilizations that are aware of other universes.  In our universe, The Martian Colonies have the technology to visit other universes, but they rarely use it because it consumes too much power.”

Fortunately, The Colonists were will to assist Clow’s scientists in returning Grothe to his own universe.  Though the actual explanation requires knowing advanced hyper dimensional physics, in simple terms, there was field of energy keeping the alternate Grothe in our universe.  Scientists were able to nullify the field, and the laws of the multiverse returned Grothe to his home universe.

During the debriefing interview, a clean shaven Grothe explained how he arrived in our universe.  According to Grothe, a man who claimed to have the power to send others to a different universe applied for the Million Dollar Challenge.  For his test, he had to move Grothe into another universe, and then return him.

“There was bright flash.”  Said Grothe according to the interview transcript.  “When I could see again, I saw that I was on the outskirts of a small midwestern suburb.  I figured he had the power of teleportation, not necessarily the power to travel between universes.”

Grothe then tried to call the JREF’s office but, to his shock, the number was disconnected.  He then tried to call his partner, and, again, the number was disconnected.  Confused, Grothe then tried to call Jeff Wagg.  “When answered, and started yelling at me, I thought something was really wrong.  When he said that he left the JREF a long time ago, that’s when I started to think that maybe I was in another universe.  Of course, I could be having a dream influenced by the claimant.”

When Grothe found out he was in Oswego, IL, he tried to call Clow UFO Base, and identified himself as the president of JREF, the skeptic movement’s ambassador organization to the Interstellar Community.  To his horror, the receptionist told the JREF was no longer a recognized organization, and to wait for “recovery.”

“At this point, I was starting to think that maybe there was extraordinary evidence that I was in the wrong universe.”

The Men in Blue picked up Grothe and brought him to Clow UFO Base.

At the debriefing, Grothe said that his universe was similar to ours, but with some notable differences.  The JREF still works with extraterrestrials to promote skepticism to humanity.  The JREF is still located in Fort Lauderdale, and DJ lives there with his partner.  Wagg is the vice president of the JREF.  Most striking, noted Grothe, while our universe's skeptical movement has a deep rift over issues of sexism, the rift was mostly healed in his universe.

“In my world, the rift started to heal at the end of the TAM 9 diversity panel.”  Said Grothe.  “That’s when I said that the JREF needed to focus on traditional skepticism, but  I would help the panelists start their own organization to bring critical thinking skills into the ‘social justice’ movement.  If things worked out, then maybe I could give them space at future TAMs.”

Grothe said that after speaking with Rebecca Watson, he slightly modified the TAM anti-harassment policy so there would be an announcement at the start of TAM to let attendees know to contact a TAM Ambassador if they have any problems.

“Rebecca loves TAM, and she wants to make it better.  We agreed that most attendees were good people, but as we were growing, there was a greater risk of bad apples getting in. We disagree on speakers flirting with attendees, but I have asked them to think twice before hitting on any attendees.”

Grothe did offer advice to the new group, but no money.  “I told them to change the name from Atheism+ to Social Justice+.  The old name might confuse some people into thinking they were trying to redefine atheism.”

For his TAM 2013, he expected very few problems.  “I’m looking forward to Penn and Teller’s Bacon and Doughnut Party, as well as the Marian Call concert sponsored by Skepchick and Freethought Blogs.”

Grothe had no advice for our Grothe.  “Right now, I’m going back to a world where skeptics have proved the existence of the paranormal.  It is going cause an upheaval in our community, but the JREF should be OK.  We’ll make a fortune telling the world how we made the discovery.”

As for the psychic, Grothe said he wasn’t planning to award him the million dollar prize.

“The terms specifically stated he had to teleport me to the other universe, and then bring me back.  He only brought me to the new universe.  So technically he failed the test, but did prove he has some powers.”

This universe’s Grothe could not be reached for comment.

Also in The Babbler:

Martian Death Flu cases appear in Chicago
Chicago fears summer zombie outbreak
Astroid residents protest Earth’s mining plans
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/16/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Officials: Anti-vaccination alien terrorists may infiltrate AutismOne conference

By Reporter X

Chicago area covert officials are concerned that anti-vaccination alien terrorists may attempt to infiltrate the AutismOne conference May 22-26. 

The sources say the anti-vaccination terrorist group, KukPu'K has at least three cell operating in the Chicago area.  The cells, according to the sources, promote anti-vaccination propaganda, and encourage parents to either not vaccinate their children, or embrace an ineffective vaccine schedule.  Once humanity has lost herd immunity from common illnesses, they unleash a pandemic that will wipe out humans.  Their goal, according to the group’s publicists, is to eradicate stupidity from the universe.  Any civilization that abandons their vaccination programs, they argue, deserves extinction.  

KukPu'K claims responsibility for the destruction of 45 civilizations.

“While we have no evidence of direct contact between AutismOne organizers and KukPu'K,” Said Operative 8 of the New World Order, “we do know that KukPu'K has funneled money to the conference.”

The officials feel that KukPu'K will send in operatives to the conference to “radicalize” attendees.

“Even when you show some of the attendees that Andrew Wakefield ran a fraudulent study back his claim that vaccines cause autism, they’ll still believe him.”  Said Operative 6 of the New World Order.  

Operative 6 added, “The AutismOne web site also tries to tie in Noam Chomsky with their cause.  Now Noam is no friend of the NWO, but even he realizes the importance of vaccines.  Heck, he slams us for not doing enough to get more people vaccinated.  These are the type of people KukPu'K likes to target.”

NWO’s Men in Black, together will Clow UFO bases’s Men in Blue, will be on site to ensure that no unauthorized aliens are at AutismOne.  They stressed that legitimate anti-vaccination supporters will not be targeted.  However, anyone found to be working directly with KukPu'K will be framed for crimes against humanity.

When asked to comment, a woman, who claims to have friends with ties to AutismOne, accused the NWO of trying to frame her organization.  She said AutismOne is only looking for answers that “they” have suppressed.

“Having a child suffer from Autism is the worst experience for a parent.  It is so bad that we will do anything to cure them.  Including giving them bleach enemas, and homeopathy!  I don’t believe in vaccines, but if I did I still wouldn’t give them to my children because I can’t say with 100% certainty that they don’t cause autism.  You can’t even trust the Wall Street Journal on this issue!  I don’t care what they want me to do!  I’ll take my chances because a child is better dead than autistic!  

Also in The Babbler:

Godless students raise money for Secular Student Alliance
Bigfoot shoots back at Oswego hunter
PZ Myers loses access to Clow UFO base after quitting the skeptical movement
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/9/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sirius leaders demand the return of Ata alien

By Reporter X

The Sirius Consortium asked the 109,298,291 Interstellar Circuit Court, located in Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, to return the body of one its citizens.

The alien, known as Ata among UFO human UFO believers, was a six inch tall alien that died 100 years ago when its craft crashed in Chile.  His body was uncovered in 2003, and eventually came into the possession of Dr. Stephen Greer, founder of the Center for the Study of Extraterrestrial Intelligence.  Ata, who’s real name was Xel Kodo, is now the subject of a recently released documentary, Sirius.

Pal Kodo, a descendent of Xel, denounced Greer and the its use of Xel’s body.

“Xel always believed in maintaining the veil of secrecy!”  Testified Pal as his body turned blue, showing sadness.  “He was also a very private person.  His body is being used by that muscle bound oaf Dr. Greer to desecrate the two things he valued most!”

Opacdox, council for the Consortium, argued under humanity’s treaties with the greater interstellar community, Xel’s body needed to be returned to immediately.  

“Humanity is required to maintain the cover up of our existence.  Nothing blows our cover like an alien body being broadcast all over your Internet!”

Jeff Wagg, the New World Order’s ambassador to Clow UFO Base, testified that the body could not be returned without arousing suspicions.

“I admit, we dropped the ball for nine years.”  Said Wagg.  “Xel should have never ended up in Stephen’s hands, but the fact is, it did.  If we just stole the body, he would expose us on the Internet, and we can’t have that.”

According to Wagg, the NWO is working on discrediting Greer’s work before they attempt to return Xel to Sirius.  Wagg cited a study declaring that the Xel is actually the body of a deformed 6-8 year old human.  The NWO is also flooding the Internet with bad reviews of the movie.  They are also working with new Huffington Post blogger Sharon Hill to further discredit Greer.

“Once Greer is considered as fraudulent as Andrew Wakefield, we’ll attempt to recover the body.”  Wagg added, “We might even arrest him for firing lasers at UFO.  I’m sure that’s annoying to many travelers.”

The court is expected to hear more testimony this week, and a ruling is expected in June.

Greer could not be reached for comment.  

Also in The Babbler:

Sources: Bolingbrook Golf Club to house The Roger Claar Mayoral Library
Sequester diverts hundreds of UFOs from Clow to Perth, Australia
Conspiracy dating web site is a trap, says local single male
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/1/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Mayor Claar starts investigation into why Clow officials ignored a time traveler’s warning

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar is demanding answers into why he wasn’t informed about a time traveler’s warning.

“It would have been nice to have advanced warning about the flooding, the Boston Marathon bombing, the Ricin letters, the Texas explosion and the shutting down of an entire city!”  Said Claar to the gathered members of the interstellar press corps.  “We could have evacuated the animal shelter earlier, and I could have made a donation to the Red Cross in advance!”

Donald Z. Parker, an official with the Department of Paranormal Affairs, explained during the conference that a time traveler from the year 2113 appeared in Bolingbrook on April 12.  The traveler was apprehended within 15 minutes of his arrival, and taken to Clow UFO Base.  He was then questioned by Clow’s temporal officers.

“We have very strict policies regarding temporal intruders.”  Said Parker.  “We can’t just let anyone alter the course of time.”

According to Parker, the traveler was trying arrive in Boston, but miscalculated the position of the Earth, and arrived in Bolingbrook instead.  Parker also added that the traveler did not provide any proof that the events of the following week would happen.

“We cannot assume that any traveler from the future is telling the truth.”  Said Parker.  “While there are benevolent travelers, there are also people who are trying to manipulate time for their own personal needs.  As an officially sanctioned New World Order Temporal Protection Facility, Clow Temporal Officers are obligated to fully investigate any claim before making recommendations.”

Said Claar, “While I understand the importance of protecting the time line, some where along the line, we had a communication breakdown.  As in someone should have told me about the investigation!  Then I could have reassured my village that the world wasn’t ending!”

Parker added that the investigation was further complicated by the time traveler disappearing from existence two days before the bombing.

“The traveler told us that the mayor was about to receive a threatening letter.  We were able to intercept that letter.  Unfortunately, intercepting that letter started a chain of event that destroyed that incarnation of the time traveler.  In other worlds, we couldn’t ask him questions.”

Parker explained that the preliminary investigation shows that the investigators were reluctant to disclose their findings to Claar.

“At the time, it did seem far fetched that so many events would happen in one week.”

Claar promised he would not be too harsh on any one who voluntarily appeared before the formal investigation committee.

“Something needs to be fixed!  If someone is going to travel 100 years into the past, I want to know why!  Directives be damned!”

Also in The Babbler:

Aliens praised for rescue efforts in Bolingbrook
Giant lung fishes spotted in Bolingbrook
Skeptic Brian Dunning will not be imprisoned on Mars
God to spare Bolingbrook this week.


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Bolingbrook bar almost cancels Full Contact Gospel Ministry fundraiser

Bolingbrook bar Hitch’s almost ended a fundraiser for Full Contact Gospel Church one hour after it started.  The owner, Al X. Krane, announced that patrons were welcome to stay in the bar, but he would keep all their money.

“I didn’t know you guys embraced violence.”  Said Krane.  “I thought you guys were Christians who liked to touch people a lot.”

Minister Lenny Z. Hopson protested.  “We told you what we were all about.  We gave you our literature.”  Hobson then held up one of their flyers.  “What part of ‘We’ll kick your ass for Jesus’ didn’t you understand?”

Hopson explained that for the past 20 years, he has combined mixed martial arts and Bible Study to preach the word of God to Bolingbrook’s residents.  

“We only fight to test our strength and show the power of faith to the unfaithed.  Once we impress them with our skills, we tell them the good news!”

Hopson added that the fundraiser was to create a kids MMA camp where children could improve their physical and spiritual health.

Krane pointed to all the pictures of Christopher Hitchens on the wall.

“This bar is a tribute to Christopher Hitchens, may his memory live on.  I am a member of the Church of Christopher Hitchens, he who was waterboarded to prove it was torture.  He who taught that religion poisons everything.  I just realized that you are trying to poison our children, and the MMA community.  I can’t tell you how many great fights have been ruined because someone had to praise God, instead of their trainers!”

A supporter yelled, “Hitchens is still dead.  Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice by dying and coming back from the dead!”

“If he came back, then it wasn’t a sacrifice at all.  More like a bad weekend.”  Countered Krane.

“You may mock the Bible, but can you mock this?”  The supporter then tore a phone book in half.

“How can you explain this without invoking the power of Jesus?”

“It’s a trick.”  Replied Krane.

Hopson then asked to challenge Krane’s best bouncer in an honor duel.  As the bouncer stepped in the room, Hopson said, “‘Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.’ Matthew 10:34!”

Before there was any violence, Mayor Roger Claar stepped into the room, and pulled Krane aside.  After a short, heated conversation, Krane walked back to Hopson.

“Roger has a good point.  We shouldn't discriminate because of a customer's beliefs or lack of beliefs.  Besides, you’re not Muslims.  You can have the money, but this is the last time I’m helping you with a fundraiser.”

Claar added, “Don’t make me regret this.  Both of you!”

After the fundraiser, Hopson said he has forgiven Krane, but vowed to fight on.

“This is an example of the religious discrimation that Christians face everyday.  This would never happen to an atheist group like Camp Quest!”

When called, Claar answered his phone and said, “You know, The Babbler has annoyed me for years, but I take comfort in this one fact.  At the end of the day, I have a $500,000 campaign fund, and you don’t!”

Also in The Babbler:

Claar to alien cruise company: You will pay for the damage you caused
George Hrab to perform first concert at Clow UFO Base
Thunderf00t spotted in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/18/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

The Manchester Mumbler: Ghost of Margaret Thatcher attacks Richard Dawkins

Note: Due to our webmaster being away on his honeymoon, our UK sister publication, The Manchester Mumbler, has provided us with this story to post online.

According to anonymous sources, the ghost of Margaret Thatcher attacked famed atheist Richard Dawkins.

“Richard has some bruises and scratches.”  Said a friend of a close friend of Dawkins.  “Nothing is broken, and he’ll be OK.  She did quite smashing job on him, but he still maintains his doubts about the existence of ghosts and God.”

A former servant at the Dawkins estate described the attack.  

“I was cleaning the downstairs dining room, when I heard pounding on the ceiling.  I thought Mr. Dawkins doing late night work.  Then I heard a female moaning.  Then he moaned.  Or screamed.  It was a terrible sound.  Anyway, it turned into pounding and screaming.  I knew right then that he had finally gone too far and offended the spirits of the netherworld.  So I ran away before God, the Devil, or whatever could destroy the estate.”

Another servant provided a more detailed account of the attack.  According to the unnamed servant, who happened to be outside the Dawkins’s bedroom door, the ghost of Thatcher appeared at the foot of his bed.  She told him that ghosts and god were real and commanded him to be her voice to the world of the living.

Dawkins would have none it.

“The laws of physics say ghosts are impossible.”  Said the groggy professor.  “I am obviously suffering from a case of sleep paralysis complicated by watching too many news reports about your death.”

“You see me with your own eyes!”  Howled Thatcher.  “You haven’t had any training in the paranormal.  How can you doubt my existence?”

Dawkins groaned.  “Oh come on.  Just like I don’t need a degree in Leprechaun studies to know they’re a myth, or a doctorate in theology to know that God is a delusion, I know you’re a product of my imagination.”

“I now have great power now, and I command you to spread my message to my living subjects.”

Dawkins coughed.  “Get over yourself.  Sure you broke the trade unions, and lead a successful war against a Catholic country.  Which, incidentally, will be an inspiration for our eventual war against Islam.  I admire you for the last part, but you’re dead now.  You don’t exist anymore.  Even if you really are a ghost, you don’t belong here.  Go hang out with Winston Churchill and your friend Ronald Reagan in the ruins of British Industry. The dead should rest, while the living still have important business to attend to.”

Thatcher howled.  “Serve me!”

“I’m sorry, I have more important work to do.  What should I say to the Muslim females of the world?  ‘Dear Muslimah.  Quit whining about genial mutilation.  Can’t you see that I have to attend to the Iron Hag?’”

The servant claimed that he heard loud noises from the room, and ran away.

Another servant, who asked not to be named, said she ran into the bedroom after the noises stopped.  According to her, she saw Dawkins on top of a broken bed.  His wife had just run into the bathroom.

“If the tabloids ask,” Said Dawkins. “Tell them I was attacked by the ghost of the Iron Lady.  That should distract them.”

When reached for comment, Dawkins denied the accounts, and accused The Mumber of trying to sensationalize his purchase of a new bed.

“I am not a man to trifle with.”  Said Dawkins.  “Just ask Rebecca Watson what happened when she tried to destroy me.  My army of Internet followers are still hounding her!  The truth is, after writing several best sellers, staring in films, giving public lectures, and single-handedly causing an upsurge in atheism, I have earned the privilege of being able to say anything I want, without consequence!  In fact, I could say that Americans should stop shooting each other, and start shooting Islamists.  Nothing would happen to me.  Not that would say such a dreadful thing, but I could!”

Also in The Manchester Mumbler:

Rescue crews help Underworld end a song
Alien bodyguards to protect sceptic Hayley Stevens
LibDems to change name to “King Maker Party”
God to smite Manchester on 15/4/13


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.