Monday, May 18, 2015

Food Babe wins 2015 Disease Consortium's Woman of the Year Award

Screen capture by GRuban
Vani Hari, known as the ‘Food Babe,” received the Disease Consortium’s 2015 Woman of the Year award at an undisclosed location in Chicago.

Said presenter Don, “Your ability to disguise fear as advocacy and misinformation as science is unparalleled!  You have brought corporations to their knees by exploiting the public’s lack of understanding basic chemistry.  You are a true threat to modern agriculture, and your efforts will lead to fewer crops and more opportunities for the consortium to spread our latest infectious agents!”

Don singled out her October 2011 tweet claiming that flu vaccines were used as a “genocide tool.”  According Don, the consortium’s research suggested that this tweet helped contribute to the spread of the California Measles Outbreak in 2015.

“Californians are so distrustful of vaccines because they’re afraid of chemicals.  We can thank you, Vani, for creating such an infectious environment!”

Hari happily accepted the award, and thanks her handlers at the Consortium for getting her started as a food blogger.

“When Phil first approached me, I told him I that I was a computer consultant, not a food specialist.  He told me not to worry.  If I didn’t understand something, I should assume its dangerous.  Then I should tell other people that its dangerous.  He said I looked so trustworthy, that many people wouldn’t question my judgement.  Boy was he right!  Some people say I’m evil for doing this, but I’m not.  If I were evil, I would say that we should ban DHMO from all food products because it’s also used in nuclear reactors, is a fire retardant, and kills 3,533 people per year.”  When the audience sounded confused, she replied, “I’m actually talking about water.  I can make anything sound scary!”

She also added that she likes to exploit the Naturalistic Fallacy.  “Most people that organic farming is pesticide free.  The truth is, it isn’t.  However, by calling it ‘organic’ and saying it is ‘natural,’ people will assume it is safe to eat and good for the environment.  Let’s face it, we know that nature really wants to kill us.  The Consortium is just pointing nature away from us, and towards the gullible.”

Hari says she has encountered resistance from skeptics.  The crowd erupted into boos when she mentioned Dr. Steven Novella and Dr. David Gorski.  She isn’t worried, however.

“Their followers are horrible people who only wish they were half as smart as we are.  They’re fueled, both by Gorski’s words and their undeniable hatred of women!  Every time their followers call me a ‘bitch,’ ‘slut’ or threaten to rape me, they entrench my followers and alienate the general public from their crusade.  They will fail, no matter how respectfully insolent they may be!  If they ever become a serious problem, I can always distract them by mentioning PZ Myers.”

Near the end of the presentation, Alex Jones walked on to the stage and presented Hari with a photograph of a flag.  She smiled and held up the picture for the crowd.

“I get it!  This is a false flag!”

“Of course.  You run second best false flag operation on the Internet.  Next to my program, of course.”

The Consortium is a secret organization believed to be responsible for creating the most contagious diseases on Earth.

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar promises not to outlaw motorcycles or guns
Chicago area skeptics plan road trip to disprove earthquake scare
Woman sees image of James Randi in deep dish pizza

God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/21/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Sources: Mayor Claar threatens to impose Holacracy on Village Hall



Could Bolingbrook become the first government to implement Holacracy for its departments?

According to some sources, if the village loses revenue from the state, Holacracy, a nearly leaderless way of managing organizations, could be used to save money.

According to Steve, a source close to Mayor Roger Claar, Holacracy is a very appealing option.  “For starters, by getting rid of middle management, we can pay our staff a single flat rate.  Most people would gt a pay raise, while the former managers would take a sizable pay cut.  That’s big savings right there.  Wait!  it gets even better!  When Zappos decided to transition to Holacracy, 210 employees, or 14 percent of their workforce, decided to accept buyouts.  They fired themselves!  If with buyouts, imagine how much money the village could save if 14 percent of our staff quit!”

Steve added that the salaries of elected officials would not be affected if the village implemented Holacracy.  

Another source, who asked to remain anonymous, believes the rumored implementation of Holacracy is just a bargaining tactic to use against the municipal unions.  “I think Roger’s goal here is to frighting the unions so much that they’ll give him anything he wants.  Sure, it’s one thing to be an anarchist when you’re young and stupid.  It’s another thing to actually work in an anarchistic environment.  The unions will cave before accepting Holacracy.”

When this reporter called HoilacracyOne LLC, several employees fought over who should be interviewed.  After five minutes, someone hung up the phone.  Several return calls were not answered.

Claar, in a phone interview, denied that the village would implement Holacracy, and denied ever hearing of the practice.  When explained to him, he replied, “Wait a minute!  Do I look like a Silicon Valley entrepreneur to you?  Do you seriously expect impose such a (expletive deleted) on my staff?”

Also in the Babbler:

Soviets threaten to unleash tornados on Illinois
George Zimmerman shot at UFO, claims alien crew
Chicago steps up efforts to clear out Southside to make room for UFO base

God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/14/15

Could Bolingbrook become the first government to implement Holacracy for its departments?

According to some sources, if the village loses revenue from the state, Holacracy, a nearly leaderless way of managing organizations, could be used to save money.

According to Steve, a source close to Mayor Roger Claar, Holacracy is a very appealing option.  “For starters, by getting rid of middle management, we can pay our staff a single flat rate.  Most people would gt a pay raise, while the former managers would take a sizable pay cut.  That’s big savings right there.  Wait!  it gets even better!  When Zappos decided to transition to Holacracy, 210 employees, or 14 percent of their workforce, decided to accept buyouts.  They fired themselves!  If with buyouts, imagine how much money the village could save if 14 percent of our staff quit!”

Steve added that the salaries of elected officials would not be affected if the village implemented Holacracy.  

Another source, who asked to remain anonymous, believes the rumored implementation of Holacracy is just a bargaining tactic to use against the municipal unions.  “I think Roger’s goal here is to frighting the unions so much that they’ll give him anything he wants.  Sure, it’s one thing to be an anarchist when you’re young and stupid.  It’s another thing to actually work in an anarchistic environment.  The unions will cave before accepting Holacracy.”

When this reporter called HoilacracyOne LLC, several employees fought over who should be interviewed.  After five minutes, someone hung up the phone.  Several return calls were not answered.

Claar, in a phone interview, denied that the village would implement Holacracy, and denied ever hearing of the practice.  When explained to him, he replied, “Wait a minute!  Do I look like a Silicon Valley entrepreneur to you?  Do you seriously expect impose such a (expletive deleted) idea on my staff?”

Also in the Babbler:

Soviets threaten to unleash tornados on Illinois
George Zimmerman shot at UFO, claims alien crew
Chicago steps up efforts to clear out Southside to make room for UFO base

God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/14/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, May 4, 2015

Rochelle Reader: Locals spot Jade Helm 15 operatives



Eyewitnesses in Rochelle claim to have seen operatives who are part of the US Military’s Jade Helm 15 exercise.  While the military claims that Jade Helm 15 is only a multi-state training exercise, some critics, like Chuck Norris, claim that it is really a campaign to place the Western United States, including Texas, under martial law.

Doug, a Rochelle resident, who asked that we not use his last name, says there’s at least one member of the special forces in Rochelle.  “I know a friend who has a cousin who has a son who’s in the special forces.  He says he’s going to be in town when Jade Helm starts.  Why would he be here during the operation?  Will Rochelle really be a part of the operation?  It makes you want to ask questions, don’t it?”

Lance, who asked not to be fully identified, claims he saw a member of the military shopping at Headon’s meat market.  “He mentioned that this was a ‘strategic location.’ and that he was looking forward to shopping there ‘while he could.’  When I asked when he did, he said he was part of an artillery team.  Well, Creston is the highest point between Chicago and the Mississippi.  And it is pretty close to Rochelle, which is the Hub City.  Could it be that the military is going to use Creston to attack Rochelle?  Well, it would be the most exciting thing to happen here since they put computers in the library.”

Charlie, a Dixon resident, say he spotted a “foreign operative” in Rochelle.  “I was at the Rochelle Railroad Park when I heard some speaking with a very strange accent.  He said he was from Canada.  Even said, ‘eh’ at the end of his sentences.  Anyway, I asked what brought him down here, and he said that he was ‘just spying on the trains.’  Then he said that he hoped that someday, we would be liberated from President’s Obama’s rule,  and things would be much better if Wildrose ran everything.  Could it be that Canada is going to invade the US during Jade Helm?”

Paul X, a “covert historian” living in a compound outside of Malta, believes that Jade Helm 15 will lead to World War III, which could result in the United States being divided between Mexico, Canada, and the United Nations.  Northern Illinois could become a part of Canada.

“There’s never a bad time to stock up on ammo, and this is an especially good time!”  Said X.  

In the background, a woman said, “Sweetie, shouldn’t we donate some of our ammo to the sheriff?  We have more than all the other police departments in Ogle County combined.”

“Exactly!  If we have all the ammo, they can’t use it against us!”

The US military, when asked to comment, sent a press release stating that, “No one will be inconvenienced by Jade Helm.”

Also in the Reader:

Weredeer denied hunting license
Oregon to hold UFO Days event
Ghost train passes through Rochelle

God to bless Rochelle on 5/6/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Time Traveler executed after spoiling the ending of A Song of Ice and Fire

Bolingbrook police executed a time travel from the 22nd century who planned on spoiling the conclusion of A Song of Ice and Fire series.

“We didn’t have a choice.”  Said Officer Bruce, who did not disclose his last name.  “I hardly have time to watch the series on HBO, and my daughter is still reading the first book.  This bozo from the future wanted to spoil the entire series for my family, and ruin (author) George RR Martin.  I couldn’t let him do that!”

According to eyewitnesses, the traveler’s time machine materialized in the parking lot behind the Bolingbrook Public Library.

According to John, who asked that we not use his last name, the man hopped out of the machine, and demanded to speak with a representative from “Blamer Grate.”  

“I told them that he would have to log onto the Internet to them.  This was weird.  He got mad and asked if the Mannet had been invented.  I asked him what he was talking about, and he said GG, ‘was all about purging women from Cyberspace.’  He said he was from the future, but I think he just read one too many William Gibson novels.

After the time traveler tried unsuccessfully to log on the internet by touching various books, police officers arrived to question him.  The traveler pulled out a plastic book from his backpack, and claimed that it was the eighth book in Martin’s series.  He claimed that Martin’s doctors were able to keep Martin alive long enough to complete the series.  The conclusion of the eighth book, he claimed, was so shocking and upsetting, that it lead to a great revolt which ended with “Blamer Grate” gaining total control over all media.

The traveler hoped that by spoiling the ending of A Song of Ice and Fire, he could bring about the great war sooner, and “purge even more (expletive deleted) off the Internet.”

Not wanting that to happen, Officer Bruce asked if the travel had more copies of the book.  He said yes, they were in his time machine.  When the traveler stepped into the machine, Bruce shot him in the head.  After falling into the machine, its door closed, and the craft vanished.

“The Internet is safe from the ultimate spoiler for at least a few decades!”

When reached for comment, a spokesperson for Martin denied that the writer planned on writing an eighth book.

“We’re still trying to get him to finish writing The Winds of Winter.  He keeps writing more pages, and the editor keeps telling him the book is already too long.  It’s an epic battle worthy of its own series.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Martin said, “The only social network I need is ISCABBS!  It was the Facebook of the 90s!  It has express messages, forums, customizable clients, and sysops who would actually twitted harassers instead of apologizing for them.  Any other social network is just a flashy imitation!”

Below are alleged spoilers for the eighth book in the series.

Monday, April 20, 2015

Manchester Mumbler: Irish atheists accused of trying to hijack the Lovell Radio Telescope

File photo by Mike Peel;
 Jodrell Bank Centre for Astrophysics, University of Manchester
Authorities say four atheists from Ireland were arrested while attempting to hijack the Lovell Radio Telescope.

According to authorities, and anonymous eyewitnesses, the four men tired to walk into the control room.  When the guards asked if they had clearance to enter the control room, the men claimed that they were members of Atheist Ireland, and held up a binder with 1000 pages of single spaced text.

“Unless you’ve read every single word of this work, you cannot question our authority to be here, or the mission we have to complete!”  One of the men allegedly said.

Another said they intended to use the radio telescope “to warn every secular being in the universe about blogger PZ Myers, and ask them to join Atheist Ireland in disassociating with him.”  The man then politely asked the guards to leave, or they would be forced to “disassociate them.”

When the guards asked why the disliked Myers, a US based blogger, the men accused PZ of saying mean things about certain religious people, and atheists leaders.  They especially noted the mean things he’s about the leader of Atheist Ireland, Michael Nugent.

“Anyone who dares to question Michael and the other great thought leaders, like Michael Shermer, is a dangerous anarchist who threatens humanity and needs to be shunned!  I mean disassociated!”

When the police arrived, the men threatened to disassociate them.  Instead, police arrested the men, and charged them with attempted hijacking and attempted broadcasting without a license.  Sources within the Greater Manchester Police say they are also looking into charging them with attempted illegal SETI transmission.

One source explained.  “We have to be really careful about the kinds of messages we send out to space.  What we would consider a joke, an alien race might consider to be an act of war.  So we may have stopped these men from committing a crime against humanity!”

A lawyer claims to be representing the men said the matter would be resolved very soon.

“I have called upon the Secular Policy Institute to intervene and free these fine secular men.  Wells Fargo Bank has already faced the scorn of the SPI, and I will unleash them on Greater Manchester if I have to!”

Dave, who claims to be a spokesperson for AI, denied that the men were members of their organization.  He did, however, have some choice words for Myers.

“If it weren’t for PZ Myers’s blog posts, We would have driven the Catholic Church out of Ireland, reunited Ireland with Northern Ireland, and reintroduced snakes back to our country, which is not a small country!”

Myers could not be reached for comment.  The receptionist did say, “PZ brings the University of Minnesota Morris to the attention of the world!  He makes working here so exciting!”

An anonymous spokesperson for SPI also denied any knowledge about the attempted hijacking.  When asked about Myers, he said, “Damnit!  I left the PZ script at my other desk.  Wait a minute.”

In the background, a man could be heard apparently talking over the phone.

“Hello, Chicago Skeptics?  I heard that you’re putting on a Skepticamp in May.  I’m just calling to remind you to send us your speaker list so we can check it against the Disassociate List.  You don’t want the wrong kind of speakers at your even do you?  What?  No?  How dare you call us un-awesome!  What has your group done beside organize one of the largest skepticamps in the world, sponsor monthly speakers, and monthly salons?  The days of secular organizations operation independently are over.  We’re doing to secularism what the Republican establishment did to the Tea Party.  Secularism is now a top down organization and nothing is more pro science than astroturf!  Now shut and do what you’re told!  Hello?”

Also in The Mumbler:

Mumbler poll: SNP take commanding lead over Labor and Tories!
UKIP promises to expel all space aliens from the UK
Virgin Galactic threatens to steal the Moon from the States

Dawkins to offend Twitter on 25/4/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, April 13, 2015

Rochelle Reader: Hub 35 UFO Base recovers from 4/9/15 Tornado strike



By Reporter Y

Hub 35 UFO Base sustained minimal damage from a EF4 tornado that struck the Rochelle area on April 9, 2015.

Said Administrator Blake, “This is why most of Hub 35 was built underground.  My superiors wanted us to install weather control machines, but they’re still unreliable.  Last week, we proved that the best and cheapest place to survive a tornado is underground.”

After the storm, many volunteered to help with the clean up the grounds onto of Hub 35

“Most of the debris came from other people’s homes.”  Said Gol, a visitor from Alpha Centauri.  “It makes me appreciate the damage wind can cause, even on a small planet like Earth.  I was safe, but not everyone outside was.

Obgo, a visitor from Kapteyn, says his craft “surfed” the tornado during the storm.

“Our batteries were kind of low, and we wanted to save some money.  So when we detected the tornado, we decided to syphon off some of it’s energy.  Plus, I’ll be honest, is fun to surf a tornado, especially when you turn off the stabilizers, and enjoy the bumps and spins.  However, I felt guilty when I realized that two people died from the storm.  We should have done more to help.  I think from now on I will stick to surfing Jupiter’s Great Red Spot.  No one dies, unless you run out of fuel.”

Though aliens staying at Hub 35 are currently forbidden from interacting with Rochelle residents, Bogo, another visitor from Kapteyn, confessed to sneaking off base to help with the clean efforts.

“My friends and I use to visit Grubsteakers restaurant every weekend.  Now the place is totally destroyed.  Their food brought me so much joy, the least I could do was help them clean up.  I wish your government would let me use my nanobots to fix the building, but your New World Order won't let me.”

Obgo also admitted to trying to comfort a Rochelle family who lost their home to the storm.

“At night time, I put on my glowing space suit and floated over to their hotel window.  When the male came to the door, I told him that I was an angel, and that they should not despair, for the old bearded man in the sky had spared them so they could witness the birth of their savior who lead them to a place of free milk and free honey.  He seemed happy, and I thought I was helping.  I later learned from the Men in Black that the family was sad because they thought an angel had told them that Jesus wasn’t their savior, and they would have to convert to Judaism.  This would mean losing their Christian friends and having to drive to Rockford on Friday nights to attend services.  I only wanted to help, but now I understand that it is best not to meddle in human affairs.”

Blake said that all aliens, and humans, who want to help Rochelle recover from the tornado should visit the Rochelle municipal web page for more information.

Also in The Reader:

Rochelle resident says bullets ineffective against tornados
Image of Ayn Rand appears in Tornado debris
Ghosts assist with cleanup efforts

God blesses the survivors of the tornado

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Exclusive: Art Bell Party contests 2015 Bolingbrook Village Board election

Did space aliens secure the FPB's 2015 victory?
Bolingbrook’s Art Bell Party is contesting the 2015 Village Board election, claiming that space aliens illegally influenced the final result.

“There is no way we only got 3 votes!”  Said Michael Faith, spokesperson for the Art Bell Party.  “Even the Skepchick Party got 9 votes!  A skeptic would say that our candidates only voted for themselves, and not the other party members.  We say it’s more likely aliens used mind control rays on our candidates.”

Faith also claims that Art Bell Party observers witnessed at least 5 disguised space aliens attempting to vote. 

Said one anonymous observer, “I asked a woman if she knew who Art Bell is.  She gave this very odd laugh and said she didn’t know.  Only a fake American wouldn’t know who Art Bell is, space aliens are a kind of fake American!”

The Art Bell Party filed the complaint shortly after incumbents Leroy Brown, Rick Morales, and Patricia Schanks were declared the unofficial winners of the 2015 board election.  Experts consulted by The Babbler doubt the complaint will be successful.

“Will County government is under the control of shape-shifting reptoids, and they will reject any election challenge that might expose them.”  Said Bob, a Bolingbrook resident with a PhD ABD in UFOlogy.  “This shows that Roger will do anything to get his candidates elected!”

The incumbents refused to be interviewed.  The First Party for Bolingbrook e-mailed a statement say that their candidates will continue the party’s tradition of abstaining from interviews.

“We prefer to address the public directly through political advertising and Roger’s letter to every citizen of Bolingbrook.  Bolingbrook residents are only interested in voting for us, not reading sensationalized stories only designed to sell newspapers.”

A spokesperson for Mayor Roger Claar, leader of the First Party for Bolingbrook, said Claar refuses to speak to any reporters until incumbents are sworn in for another term.

“It is bad luck!”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Bob.  You may be for Bolingbrook, but I am Bolingbrook! Never underestimate the power of my campaign fund!”

Faith is asking all “freedom loving Bolingbrook residents” to pray for the party to succeed in its challenge.


“Bolingbrook isn’t free as long as aliens can influence our elections!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.