Monday, February 23, 2015

Dan Savage savaged by aliens at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

What started as a question and answer session with sex expert Dan Savage at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base quickly turned into a near riot.  No arrests were made, but the session was cut short and Men in Blue escorted Savage to safety.

“You’re all a bunch of little green men!”  Savage shouted as he was leaving.

“That’s an insult towards aliens!” An anonymous alien replied.

“Boo hoo!”  Savage sarcastically snapped back.  “Are you going to file a complaint about how I hurt your feelings?”

“No!”  The alien replied.  “We’d rather you rinse your mouth out with santorum!”  

Savage tried to lunge at the alien, but he was restrained by MiBs and removed from the room.

Though warmly greeted at the start of session, Savage’s problem started when three beings from the Scholz star system approached a microphone to start the questions.  They described themselves as a “triple.”  One described himself as male, and the other as female.  The third, Dazgoo, described itself as a “zulblu.”  

“What is a zulblu?”  Asked Savage.

“That’s my gender.”  Dazgoo proudly replied.

“I suppose you have you have preferred pro-nouns you’ll ask me to use.”  Savage countered.

“Um.  The proper pronouns for zulblu are zu, blu, goo, and zal.”

“No!”  Shouted Savage.  “I’m not using those words, and I’ll be damned if we’re going to add a “z” to the gay movement!  John Aravosis is right.  We already have too many letters in our movement!  Unless you’re an alien—”

“Yes, I am from another solar system.”  Dazgoo happily replied.  The crowd muttered in agreement.

“I suppose you also claim to be asexual.”

Dazgoo shook his head, but another alien yelled, “I can reproduce asexually!”

Savage growled, then said, “Look!  There are four things that are undeniably true.  There’s no such thing as bisexuals.  There’s no such thing as asexuals.  There are only two genders, and there’s no such thing as space aliens.”

At that point, the session turned into a shouting match.

Dazgoo expressed blu disappointment.

“We just wanted his advice on buying a bed for a sexually active human couple we know.  He didn’t have to be so nasty towards us.  If he had given me a chance to explain, I could have told him that zulblu are a biological sex as well as a gender.  Among my species, the zulblu are the ones who carry babies to term.  Males and females just deposit their reproductive cells inside of us.”

A spokesperson for Clow UFO Base explained that this was a simple misunderstanding.  Savage, he explained, sincerely believed that he was actually at a LGBT science fiction conviction.  He also assumed that the aliens visitors were really humans in costume.

“He didn’t mean to be offensive.”  Said the spokesperson.  “Therefore he wasn’t offensive.  We hope our guests will understand this bit of human logic.”

The spokesperson added that Savage’s memory of the session was erased, and he now has no knowledge about the presence of interstellar aliens on Earth.

When reached for comment, Savage denied any knowledge about space aliens, and also denied that he had ever spoken in Bolingbrook.

“If you don’t leave me alone, I’ll have the Internet redefine your publication as a piece of (expletive deleted!)”

Also in The Babbler:

Claar to raise UFO tax
Adventist hospital revives Bolingbrook man frozen for one month
Soviets vow to turn Chicago into ‘Sibera West’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/1/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Mr. Washington detained outside of Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base security confirmed that they had detained a man known formerly known on the Internet as Mr. Washington.  They accused him of attempting to break into Bolingbrook’s UFO base and meet with its alien visitors.

Said an anonymous source, “He was trying to find one of the hidden entrances to the base, and obviously had no idea where to look.  It was obvious he wasn’t going to leave the airport area until he found an entrance to the base.  So we had our plain clothed officers take him in.  Fortunately he cooperated, otherwise we’d have to send in the Men in Blue to deal with him.”

According to other sources, Washington he was desperate to find some way to restart The Watch Dogs of Bolingbrook, a group that from 2009 until 2013, sought to remove Mayor Roger Claar from office.  Despite poor showings in the 2009 and 2011 elections, and not running candidates in 2013, Washington insisted that the group still has thousands of supporters.

“Our blog still gets hits!” He said, according to sources.  “Every time I look at the blog, the hit counter goes up!”

He told security officials that the only reason the group folded due to Claar “forming an alliance with the Mob, The New World Order, and Anonymous.”  He blames this alliance for framing George D. Smith for attempted child abduction and covering up his military record.

“George is the greatest military mind ever!  If it weren’t for Roger, he would be defeating ISIS and Russia!”  Washington allegedly said.

Washington then explained he has spent the past two years trying to get “Inter Poll” to arrest Claar for “crimes agains humanity in his administration of Bolingbrook.”  He finally gave up, and wanted to ask Bolingbrook’s alien visitors to assist him.  According to the sources, Washington wanted the aliens bring Watch Dogs leader Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea back to Bolingbrook and protect her from “Roger’s evil minions.”  Specifically, he wanted them to transport the Florida subdivision she lives in to Bolingbrook.  Then he wanted them to “rescue” Smith and secure him in the subdivision.  Once both were established as residents Bolingbrook again, he said, “the residents will rise up and overthrow Roger.  This time I mean it!”

When security officials asked what would happen to the other residents of the subdivision, he said they would gladly support her because the aliens would leave the board members of the homeowners association back in Florida.

Washington was released after three hours, and warned not to search for Clow UFO Base again.

Washington and Smith could not be reached for comment.  

A person who claimed to be a spokesperson for Kurowski-Alicea sent an e-mail, which partly read, “Wherever Bonnie goes, she always manages to uncover corruption.  We don’t care what the Facebook page of Verde Ridge HOA saysBonnie’s current blog reveals the truth!  Today she will bring justice to a homeowners association.  Tomorrow, she will bring justice to Florida.  After that, she will bring justice to the United State (sic) and bring Roger to justice!  She has only begun to fight!”

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook residents pray for East Coast residents affected by Soviet Snow Attack
Visitors from Pluto flock Bolingbrook to enjoy ‘warm’ temperatures 
Ghosts blamed from Kennedy 40 car accident

God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/20/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, February 9, 2015

Rochelle Reader: Aliens colonize Creston

By Reporter Y

Approximately 100 space aliens moved into Creston, IL last week as part of the phased opening of Hub 35 UFO Base.  The aliens will live in cloaked houses on the Northeast side of the village, and will commute to Hub 35 by riding in buses disguised as trucks hauling grain containers.

Claude X. Packersonn, director of Hub 35, praised the village at an interstellar press conference for housing the aliens, thank the village government for their efforts to cover up the move.

“Creston is the ideal village to introduce our visitors to humanity.”  He said.  “The residents are nice.  It’s just the right size, and if there’s an incident, we can easily blow it up without anyone noticing.”  Packersonn smiled, and then said.  “I’m joking.  If there are any incidents here, we can easily contain them without any residents or the rest of the world noticing.”

Despite the village government’s best efforts, many residents reported encountering disguised aliens wondering through out the town.

Don, who claims to work at Huber Feed, LLC, claim an alien visited them.

“This very pale man was standing under one of our chutes.  When he saw me, he yelled, ‘I can’t wait to try to your buffet!  Fill me up!’  He looked up at the chute and then opened his mouth really huge.  Like his jaw was several feet long.  He thought we were going feed him.  He looked small, but I’m sure he could have wiped out our stores with metabolism.  Somehow, I found the courage to tell him to go to Smoking Harry’s instead.  I hope he didn’t eat them out of business.”

Lance, who claims to work at Headon’s, a meat market, says he saw two disguised aliens in his store.  One of them bought steaks.

“Then the guy looked at his friend and said, ‘Look!  They sell pre-sliced biological samples here!’  His friend slapped him.  Then his friend said, ‘You fool!  Don’t you remember the video transmissions we watched before arriving here.  Go back to the big box!’  His friend took the bag and watched him leave.  Here’s the good part.  The friend looked at me and said, ‘Please excuse my blagmate.  He meant no disrespect.  I promise, when we get home, that we will gladly apply your product directly to our foreheads!’  Then he pulled out one of the steaks and started rubbing it on his forehead.”

Not all aliens are adjusting to life in Creston.  A resident, who asked to be identified as Paul, saw what he believed to be a distressed alien.

“It was standing on the edge of town and it looked like it was pounding on the air.  Maybe there’s a forcefield that only affect alines surrounding us.  Anyway, he yelled, ‘This place is too small!  My spaceship has closets bigger than this!  Give me more room!’  I knew better than to ask what was going on.”

Packersonn acknowledged that some aliens would have problems adjusting, but thinks the local businesses will help them feel welcome.

“We’re working out the final details, but all the local businesses should have special alien only hours soon.  We were hoping some would stay open until 10 PM, but we might have to settle for 6 PM instead.  Who came up with the idea for a 5 PM curfew?”

When told there wasn’t a curfew, he exclaimed, “Then why does this town shutdown after 5 PM?”

Also in The Rochelle Reader:

Left Shark blames time distortion field for Super Bowl mess up
City Clerk: Aliens cannot run for office in Rochelle!
Soviets blamed for crippling snow storm

God to bless Rochelle on 2/13/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Four anti-vaccination terrorists arrested at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base security personnel arrested four alleged members of the anti-vaccination terrorist group KukPu’K.  Two of the detainees were carrying vials of the measles virus.  

Donald X. Paulson, Clow UFO Base’s representative to the New World Order, stressed that the Bolingbrook was never in danger during the arrest.

“Once we received credible information that these terrorists were on board a craft bound for Clow, we directed that craft to a sealed medical emergency hanger.  Every human operative sent in to the craft was vaccinated.  The terrorists were stunned before they could unleash any biological agents.  We are also sterilizing the entire craft.  The passengers and crew are in isolation until we are absolutely certain they are not infectious.”

According to anonymous sources within Clow and the New World Order, the terrorists planned on spreading anti-vaccination propaganda in Bolingbrook.  Once Bolingbrook’s residents lost herd immunity, the terrorists would then unleash the measles virus, potentially killing many residents.

KuKPu’K is a terrorist organization that attacks civilizations by convincing their citizens not to vaccinate themselves, and then releasing deadly viruses that have vaccines.  Experts believe that KuKPu’K has destroyed 20 civilizations with this tactic.

The narrator of one of KuKPu’K’s holovidoes justifies these attacks by stating, “we are not anti-vaccine.  Just anti-stupidity.  Any civilization whose members refuse to get vaccinated deserves to die!”

Paulson blamed the United States’s current measles epidemic on a KuKPu’K’s operative releasing the virus at Disneyland.  He added that KuKPu’K is trying to establish more foothold in an effort to destroy the United States.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar urged all residents to get vaccinated, “because it is the right thing to do.”

He added, “Vaccines don’t cause autism.  They don’t turn you into slaves, and they don’t contain toxins.  This is not a partisan issue.  I have to deal with Republicans like Donald Trump, who embarrass our party whenever he tweets!  So I say, Left or Right, get vaccinated, now!”

Paulson added, that any human caught working with KuKPu’K will be framed for a crime against humanity.

KuKPu’K representatives could not be reached for comment.

A pro-vaccination activist, who asked not to be identified, told this reporter, “Oh my God!  You won’t persuade people to support vaccination by making up stories about alien terrorists.  You should follow the advice in this link!”

Also in The Babbler:

Soviets fail to destroy Bolingbrook with blizzard attack
UFO disappears of the Lisle Square
Gov. Rauner denies plan to sell union members to aliens

God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/6/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

James Randi gives emotional farewell speech at Clow UFO Base

Famed skeptic James Randi announced his retirement to an audience at Clow UFO Base.  After showing “An Honest Liar,” the documentary about his life, a tearful Randi announced his retirement to the gathered humans and aliens.

“I’ll never forget the first time, I met a visitor from another planet.”  Said Randi.  “I didn’t believe my eyes or my NWO handler.  I had to investigate for myself.  So after 50 years of investigation, and 50 years making friends, I’m finally convinced that all of you are not of this Earth.”

From 1996 until 2011, The James Randi Educational Foundation was the skeptical movement’s ambassador organization to the interstellar community.  Under Randi’s leadership, the JREF worked with aliens to coordinate coverups of UFO sightings and promote science education to humanity in general.  Though the JREF lost its ambassadorship, Randi was allowed to maintain knowledge of and contact with aliens.

“James Randi was an inspiration across the galaxy.”  Said Dischum, an alien magician, and caretaker of the Billion Dollar Challenge, which was inspired by Randi’s million dollar challenge to find proof of the existence of the paranormal.  “He was one of the few unifying humans left in Earth’s skeptical movement.  His absence will be a great loss for them.  They may never overcome their deep rift.”

Randi did not comment on the future of the JREF, but did stop his speech so that Michael Shermer could address the audience by video chat.  Shermer announced that his organization, The Skeptics Society, had just filed an application to become an interstellar ambassador group, joining Skepchick and the Center for Inquiry.

Shermer was interrupted when 10 beings dressed as various incarnations of Doctor Who started running in aisles repeatedly yelling, “Time run!”  After five minutes, security personnel chased them out of the theater.

After the monitor was turned off, Randi thanked the many people and aliens he’d met from his work as a skeptical leader.  He also thanked the staff of Clow, including Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  Randi promised to write a letter endorsing his re-election campaign, “if I live long enough.”

Randi then promised to perform final trick before leaving.  He placed himself in a milk can filled with raw milk.  Two male assistants closed the top lid and secured it with pad locks.  As the walked over to pickup a curtain, the milk can exploded.  After the audience got over the shock, all they could see were the remains of the can.  Randi, nor any of his body parts, were visible in the debris.  Though suspecting it was a trick, Randi did not return to the theater.

Eyewitnesses claim to have seen Randi outside of Clow, wearing a cape and holding a wooden staff.  He was accompanied by New World Order member Jeff Wagg.

“I will never forget the sight of watching Randi and Jeff walking together away from Clow and towards the rising Moon.”  Said an anonymous witness.  “I want this to be my final memory of Randi!”

Also in The Babbler:

Mayor Claar promises aggressive interplanetary campaign for reelection
Koch brothers pitch reality show, ‘Who wants to have a Koch baby?’
Aliens warned not to help the Patriots win the Super Bowl

God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/31/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Rochelle Reader: Hub 35 to host #FtBcon interstellar track.

By Reporter Y

UFO Base Hub 35, though not fully operational, will host FtBcon interstellar track of programing this weekend.

FtBcon is an online convention organized by the controversial Freethought Blogs Network, which is a collection of godless bloggers.  Though most of the tracks can be accessed from the convention’s web page, the interstellar tracks will only be accessible through the Interstellar Internet.  This programing track will feature prominent atheist bloggers interacting with alien atheist activists and philosophers.

“This will be the ultimate stress test for Hub 35 before officially opening.”  Said Thomas Xavier, the New World Order’s overseer of Illinois’s UFO Bases.  “The convention will stress our communications systems, and be a dry run for our cloaking systems.   Plus it will test the vigilance of our security personnel and our AIs.  As many of your are aware, FTB is controversial not only with religious fundamentalists, but among atheists as well.  Many will go to great lengths to disrupt this convention.  It will be a challenge to stop them, but I strongly believe that the staff of Hub 35 is up to the challenge.”

Featured programs in the interstellar track include:

  • Richard Carrier debating aliens who claim to have met the historical Jesus
  • A workshop lead by Kylie Sturgess on how to coverup UFO encounters
  • Chana Messinger interviewing the leaders of the formerly lost tribes of Israel
  • Heina Dadabhoy interviewing an alien who claims to be the real founder of Islam

The owner of FTB, Ed Brayton, says he’s excited about the third annual interstellar track of programming.

“The facilities are spartan, but our speakers and panelists will more than make up for it.  See what I did there?”

During the press conference, a member of Slymepit Interstellar started shouting.

“FTBBullies are insignificant!  FTBBullies will destroy the atheist movement!  Their female bloggers are too prudish and sexy!  PZ Myers can’t persuade anyone to be an atheist.  His hoard of followers are mean!  Tell me if anything I said is sticking!”

The being was peacefully escorted out of the room, and later had its memory wiped.

While the outburst highlighted security concerns, the head blogger at BioDork said she was still looking forward to the convention.

“This is the only time of the year I get to meet up with all the beings I’ve made an interstellar connection with!  I can’t wait.”

FTBcon will start on 1/23/15 at 5 PM.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Bolingbrook opposition parties respond to the 2015 State of the Village Address

The rest of Bolingbrook’s media outlets may have forgotten about Mayor Roger Claar’s annual state of the village address, but we haven’t!  Each year we invite Bolingbrook’s opposition parties  to write a response.  This year The Roger Claar Party, The #Gamergate Party, and The Free Water Party accepted our invitation.

The Roger Claar Party
“A great mayor deserves a great party!”

It should be a crime not to report on Roger’s awesome speech!  It brought tears to our eyes as he talked about how great our village is, and how it has been an honor to serve Bolingbrook for 29 years!  We are the best suburb in Chicago, and no one can ignore that!  Not even the trolls who infest Topix!

Sadly, it is almost time to start thinking about preserving his decades long legacy.  Though we hate to see him retire, we know that day must eventually come.

The residents of Bolingbrook need to ask themselves which party will best preserve his legacy?  Is it The First Party for Bolingbrook, which is always first to accept donations from his campaign fund, but occasionally vote against him.  How can we trust them to always vote in his memory when they can’t always vote for him when he’s in the same room?

This year, vote for our candidates, and tell the Me-first party to stay away from Roger’s campaign fund.  Instead, vote for the party that loves Roger so much, we named ourselves after him!

David Nelson
Roger’s Number One Fan and Chairman of The Roger Claar Party

The Roger Claar Party is not affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar.

The #Gamergate Party
“It’s all about ethics in Bolingbrook”

There are no ethics in Bolingbrook.  According to The Chicago Tribune, Roger accepted $164,000 in donations from the owner of Ice Rocket Arena, and in return the owner gets to use a village owned building at reduced rent.  Between 1999 and 2009, he received nearly $2.5 million in donations from companies and individuals who do business with the village.  Oddly enough, they received $300 million in village work.

The worst ethical breach, however, Roger’s inability to crush the local Social Justice Warriors who want to inject politics into Bolingbrook’s government.  SJWs like (personal information redacted) and (personal information redacted.)! We’ve had to do all the hard work of doxxing, swatting, ordering delivery at odd hours, sending complaints to their employers, and posting internet death threats for the Lolz!  This April, you can help us unlock the achievement of controlling a local government!

That means ordering the police to investigate the perverted sex lives of the local SJWs and posting the results online.  It means unlimited access to their personal records without trying to crack passwords.  It means legal “monitoring” of all local SJW internet traffic.  In short, it means we will have the unlimited resources of a government to silence the SJWs and their censorship campaigns and promote free speech!

Roger, if you try to stop us, we have this (personal information redacted) on you.  So hand over your campaign fund to us now, or we’ll call you a professional victim.  That means, you noob, we would be able to start up a Patreon page, and people will give us thousands of dollars to silence you!

Why are we doing this?  Because we will not stop until everyone is afraid to say anything critical about our video games!  Gamers of Bolingbrook, Roger is not your shield.  Elect us, and we will be your shield!

Not responsible for anything done under the #gamergate hashtag!

The Free Water Party!

Roger, you want to socialize our water.  We say that any resident who has the drive and money should be able to sell all they water they want to Bolingbrook!  If you can’t afford your water bill without dipping into your campaign fund, then move to Chicago and drink from Lake Michigan!  

Every resident should have the risk of dying of thirst if it means having the freedom to own a pipeline!

Paul Z. Sutherland
American Water Employee Chairman of The Free Water Party!

Also in The Babbler:

George Lucas denies his museum is a cover for a Chicago UFO Base
Naperville considers minimum salary for residents
Ambassador from Pluto promises wild celebrations when New Horizons arrives
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/23/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.