Monday, June 29, 2015

Village picnic celebrates Bolingbrook’s 50th anniversary

Last weekend, the village picnic kicked off Bolingbrook’s celebration of its 50th anniversary.  The following stories are from our team of reporters.

Alien catamaran disqualified from Cornfield Regatta 

After a 23 year hiatus, the Cornfield Regatta became embroiled in controversy when the Commodore disqualified an anti-gravity catamaran from Proxima Centauri.  

According to the rules, all craft must be six feet long and weigh less than 20 tons.  The Commodore ruled that the craft, call Pop Corner, weighed more than 20 tons.

“While it is weightless when its anti-gravity drive is on, it weighs more than 20 tons when the drive is off.  That is the weight I am counting, and therefore I had to disqualify this craft.”

Pop Corner captain J’golld, protested the ruling.

“This is (expletive deleted)! We have the only craft here that can sail on a cornfield.  Where’s the (expletive deleted) corn? This is just the village hall!  I call (expletive deleted)!”

Former mayor Ed Rosenthal explained to the crew that the Cornfield Regatta wasn’t literally a race on a cornfield.  It was intended as a humorous response to radio shock jock Steve Dahl’s jabs at Bolingbrook back in the 1980s.  The “yachts” are more like soap box derby cars, and the competition is for fun for Bolingbrook’s human residents.”

J’Golld wasn’t pleased.

“What a (expletive deleted) up ruling!”

“I make the rulings no matter how (expletive deleted) up they might be.”

Rosenthal, eased tensions saying that the Pop Corner would hold Bolingbrook land speed record for fastest yacht that actually sailed on a cornfield.

Sen. Bernie Sanders fires up Clow UFO Base workers

Presidential Candidate and Senator Bernie Sanders delivered at fiery speech at the village picnic for members of the Clow UFO Base Space Workers Union Local 1.

“When I saw my first UFO in Chicago, I was impressed!  Then I learned that it was maintained by American workers at Clow UFO base.  That says something when visitors from around the Milky Way come to Clow to have their space ships replied by American workers.  I’m looking at the best workers in the galaxy, and if we can fix UFOs, then we can fix America!”

Sanders also vowed to work with the New World Order to end the UFO coverup, and tell the world the truth about aliens on Earth.

“We have so much to gain by telling the truth about our alien friends.  Do you know there’s one alien empire that runs on the same about of energy that we use to power New York City?  Can you imagine what we could do with that kind of energy efficiency?  We could end global warming instantly!”

When asked if he was concerned that Americans might not vote for a socialist, Sanders said he felt confident that could win the popular vote.

“It’s all a matter of how you explain things.  Take for example this village picnic.  Thanks to government spending, everyone here gets a piece of cake and a hot dog.  If you want more, you can buy more, but at the very least you get a hot dog and cake.  That is fair.  But in America, you’re still paying the same taxes, but the government is spending that money to give the top 1 percent a five tiered cake, while you don’t get anything.  To make matters worse, the media tries to get you to blame the poor for the fact that you don’t have any cake.  Excuse me, but that’s (expletive deleted)!  When I’m President, I’m going to make sure that everyone gets their hot dog and slice of cake.  I’m also going to insure that every American is sufficiently armed, so that when the Koch brothers try to take away your cake, they can stand up to them and say, “Don’t take away my cake.  If you want more cake, go spend your own money!”

Mayor Roger Claar watched the speech, while seeming very annoyed.  When a cocktail waitress stopped by his table with a tray of drinks, he said, “I’ll take this tray, and you can bring me another one.  I’m going to need all the help I can get to make it through this.”

Former mayor Ed Rosenthal opens Clow UFO Base Museum 

Former mayor Ed Rosenthal cut a ribbon to officially open the Clow UFO Base Museum.

“I’m proud to be part of the history of what I think is one of the best UFO bases in the world!”

The museum features over 100 virtual reality pods that allow visitors to tour Clow and have virtual conversations with historical figures from Clow’s history.

“I just had a great argument with myself.”  Said Rosenthal.

It also includes replicas of the first habitat modules and houses several retired alien space craft.

Clow UFO Base is the largest UFO base in the world.  After opening to traffic in 1958, Clow provided the feasibility of staging UFOs in urban areas.  Today it is also the busiest urban UFO base in the world.

The museum plans to host concerts and lectures, in addition to its displays.

Also in the Babbler:

Babbler to celebrate 50 years of publishing
AI found in Valley View's computers
Bonnie spotted in Bolingbrook

God to smite Bolingbrook on July 5

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Rochelle Reader: Russia’s RT to start ‘Rochelle Today’ web site

RT, a global media organization funded by the Russian Government, will launch the Rochelle Today web site this Fall.  Rochelle Today is the Russian media’s first foray into the US local news industry.

“For too long, the Rochelle News-Leader has only provided a limited prospective.”  Said a source who only identified himself as Mikhail.  “We want to give a voice to the voiceless.  We want to present the news that you don’t see in the News-Leader, but isn’t as crazy as what you see in the Reader!”

Mikhail promises that RT will not be like Topix, which he accuses of being overrun with petty gossip.  Nor will it be like patch.com, which calls, “A glorified bulletin board.”

“We will have professionals on the ground in Rochelle gathering as much intelligence, I mean news as possible.  Our paid staff will give you the news Rochelle residents didn’t know they wanted or needed!”

Mikhail gave two examples of stories that RT is working on.  The first story asks why Mayor Chet Olson isn’t strong enough to clean the tornado damage all by himself.  The second article explains why, even though Rochelle would be even more safe and prosperous, Russian President Vladimir Putin is legally barred from ruling the United States.

“We’ll also make up, I mean report, stories about the dangers of GMOs, and evils of the organic food industry.  Someone is bound to be offended, I mean engaged, by our reporting!”

Despite the site being based in Russia, Mikhail feels that Rochelle residents will relate to the articles in RT.

“These are the stories that are really important!  Sure we’re from halfway around the world, but we share the same work ethic and conservative values as Rochelle.  We almost share the same faith too, but we can persuade you to follow the true Orthodox path to God!”

Critics, like Abraham’s patron Doug Z. Carman, accuse of RT of trying to undermine Rochelle with their web site.  “What they’re really going to do is post stories from the Left and Right, to sow mistrust in our local government.  Once we’ve lost confidence in our leaders, their special forces units will sneak in there to cause trouble.  In the confusion, we’ll start shooting each other instead of the real enemy.  Before you know it, Russia will annex the Northside!  We can’t have that!  Now, do you want to hear how I know that Obama is really a Jewish, atheist Muslim?”

Mikhail denied the charge.  “Just because we want to establish a web site for every community in the 16th Congressional District doesn’t mean we are trying to oust Rep. Adam Kinzinger.  Nor is this part of a greater plan to turn the United States in to a Pro-Putin puppet state!”

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for Olson said, “This just goes to show that Rochelle is the hub of the world!”

Also in the Reader:

Soviet thunderstorm attack misses Rochelle
Space alien accuses DeKalb police of harassment
Bigfoot spotted cleaning up Rochelle

God blesses Rochelle this week

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Babbler launches Patreon page



By Jenna Olson
Publisher

I’m pleased to announce they we are pulling all ads from our web page, and giving you an opportunity to directly support our web team.  We now have a Patreon page!

Patreon allows you to make donations to us.  If choose to make a donation, simply enter how much you would like to donate per story.  You can choose to set a monthly cap on donations.  You’ll receive rewards based on how much you donate to us, like access to exclusive Patreon only updates, personal messages from our staff.  More importantly, you’ll allow us to keep the page up, pay our webmaster, and support new and exciting projects.  Chicago area skeptics are already speculating about our current project.  Your donation will help make it a reality!

To be clear, the content on our web page will remain free.  Our Patreon page is just a convenient way to support us.  We hope that this page will let us keep the freedom to post the unbelievable truth!  No longer will we have to worry about godless slimy hordes of skeptics intimidating our advertisers.  Instead, we hope to rely on the faithful support of our patrons.


Will you be our patron, and stand up for the unbelievable truth?

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Sources: Mayor Claar considering Presidential run

Could Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar join the ever growing field of Republican Presidential candidates?

A source insists that Claar is close to jumping into the crowded Republican Presidential primary.

“He said, ‘Steve, if a man of Donald Trump’s stature can run for President of the United States, there’s no reason I shouldn’t run too.’  I have to say, he makes a compelling argument.”

According to other sources, Claar does not expect to win the nomination, and may drop out before the Iowa Caucuses.  He hopes that a short Presidential campaign help him win reelection as mayor in 2017.

Steve explained.  “If he campaigns for President, he’ll get to rub elbows with some very powerful donors, including the Koch brothers.  So if campaigns wisely for president, he’ll still have lots of money left over for a mayoral run.  Plus he’ll also have super PAC support as well.  Combine that with having his face plastered in all the major media outlets for at least a year, he’ll have unbeatable name recognition in Bolingbrook.  Heck, I’m willing to bet that people will be moving to Bolingbrook just to vote for him in 2017!”

Steve believes that Claar will announce his candidacy during the Bolingbrook July 4th celebration.  With only days to go, Steve says that Claar is running an “expedited exploratory period.”

Carl, who asked that we not use his last name, claims that Claar contacted him about his campaign.  Carl, who lives in Cedar Rapids, used to be a Bolingbrook resident.

“Roger asked if I remembered him.  I said yes.  Then he asked if I still liked him.  I told him that when I lived in Bolingbrook, I thought he was OK.  Then he said, ‘Good!  I want you to run my Iowa campaign.’  I said yes.  Then he asked about the Iowa Straw Poll.  I told him it was canceled.  Then he said, ’It’s a good thing I have you in charge of Iowa.’  It’s going to be an interesting few months.”

Though he has not made any announcements, the pro-Trump political action committee, “You’re Fired up!” is already planning a series of attack ads against Claar.

Said an anonymous source.  “The Donald needs to be in the top ten if he wants to make it into the first debate.  We can’t risk Roger bumping him out of the top ten.  The Donald the only candidate who has successfully been loaned money, and gotten out of paying it back!  If anyone can get the US out of debt, it’s The Donald!”

When reached for comment, Claar denied he was running for President.

“I don’t need to run for any other office because I am Bolingbrook, and that is all I need!”

Also in the Babbler:

Russian agents fail to defeat Blackhawks
Clow UFO Base still open for business
Pluto ambassador invites Mayor Claar to visit during New Horizons flyby

God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/20/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Rochelle Reader: Village of Creston to start crowdfunding campaign?

Will Creston become the first municipality to replace its taxes with a crowdfunding campaign?  Sources with relatives with friends with friends of village officials claim that the village board is only days away from debuting their fundraising page on Patreon, a popular crowdfunding site.

“Sure things are fine now,” said one anonymous source, “but with our incompetent state government, who knows what will happen?  We have to prepare for the possibility that we might lose all state funds.  Now Creston has been through its share of hardships, but I don’t think the residents want to revert to depression era living.  That’s what we’re trying to avoid.”

Patreon is intended to support writers and artists, but another source says there’s no reason the site couldn’t be used to support a community.

“Personally, I think of Creston as an evolving work of rustic art!  Everyday the village changes, and this work of art takes on new meaning.  So I think the village will be justified to charge for every day that the village exists.”

Other sources insist that the village will continue to provide the services the residents have come to expect, like sewage and zoning.  The funding page, claim the sources, will provide a new source of income for the village.

“If you call it a tax, people will get upset and send the Tea Party after you.  If you call it crowdsourcing, people will open their wallets.  Plus, people from around the world will have the opportunity to support Creston with their money!  We’ll be trending, whatever that means.”

The web page will offer rewards for each donation level.  Donors who give a dollar a day will get access to an exclusive web form.  Donors who donate $100 a day will get a discounts at all three major businesses.  Donors who give a million dollars a day will be allowed to “write any ordinance you want and we will vote on it.  Ordinance must comply with the federal and state constitutions.”  Donate $2 million a day, and the village board will pass the ordinance.”

The web site, according to the sources, will also show case goals if the village receives a certain number of donations per day.  The goals range from covering up potholes as soon as they’re reported, to hiring professional firefighters.

When this reporter asked to speak with the village president, the receptionist picked up the phone.

“Tom (Byro)?  I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that there’s a reporter from Rochelle that wants to speak to you.  The bad news is that he’s from the Rochelle Reader.”

Village officials refused to be interviewed, but did release a statement denying any plans to use Patreon to raise funds, or replace any taxes.

Also in the Rochelle Reader:

Giant mosquitos spotted outside of Rochelle
Aliens haul away tornado debris
Militant atheists knocking on residents' doors

God continues to bless Rochelle

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Web Exclusive: Chupacabra settles lawsuit against skeptic Ben Radford

Lawyers for Chupacabra, a vampire-like creature, announced they had reached a settlement in their lawsuit against skeptic Ben Radford.

“Our client is fully redeemed!”  said head lawyer Ronald Z Patterson outside of the Cook County Courthouse. “This statement, signed by Ben and my client, affirms once and for all that my client is real.  We now ask that all so-called skeptical sites removed their defamatory web pages and apologize for their hateful debunking of my client!”

Patterson produced an un-notarized typed statement with an unrecognizable signature, and a hand drawn “x”.  The statement says the two had an “intensely intimate relationship,” that ended when Chupacabra refused Radford's offer for an open marriage.  “It would be wrong to not erroneously assume that the former defendant’s not insignificant writings be considered as not unscientific or unfounded.”  The statement also goes on to state that Radford would not receive any proceeds should Chupacabra decide to sell their sex videos online.

“This is how our justice system should work!”  Said Patterson.

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for Committee for Skeptical Inquiry doubted the signature was Radford’s.  “Even if it is, so what?  People have confessed to capital crimes that they didn’t commit.  So-called confessions can’t change the truth.  The Earth didn’t become the center of the universe after Galileo was forced to renounce heliocentrism.  This alleged statement doesn’t change the considerable evidence against (Chupacabra’s) existence.” 

In the background, a man said, “One of my bloggers is receiving death threats! We have to help her!”

A man who sounded like Center for Inquiry CEO and president Ron Lindsay replied, “Your bloggers need to toughen up and learn to take constructive criticism from male atheists! Do I need to dust off my lecture on the dangers of believing in male privilege and give it to everyone at Freethought Blogs?  Maybe if your feminist bloggers would stop bullying atheist thought leaders like me, our followers would stop harshly critiquing all of you!  I guess I can write a nondescript post lightly condemning only the obviously violent threats.”

“It’s Taslima Nasreen, and she’s being threatened by Islamic Terrorists!


“Well that’s different!  We’d better move her to the United States and set up a fund so she can start a new life here.  We need to show the world that we support freethinking women in other countries!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Aliens picket outside of Clow UFO Base in memory of ‘Area 51 victims’

Enhanced photo of an alien protesting Area 51 deaths while marching outside Clow UFO Base.


By Reporter X

Twenty aliens picked outside of Clow UFO Base in protest of they believe is the “systematic slaughter of interstellar visitors” at Area 51.

“Area 51 has the highest fatality rate of all the UFO bases in the world.”  Said protestor Galgloope, who refused to disclose his home solar system.  “You are 10 times more likely to die in Area 51 than you are in a black hole.  You are five times as likely to die in Area 51 than you area if you disguised yourself as a deer in Oklahoma.  You are twice as likely to die in Area 51 than it is for one of your republicans to support Obamacare.  Something is going on there, and we demand answers!”

The protestors hope that their Memorial Day protest will persuade the New World Order to investigate Area 51’s high fatality rate.  Some of the protestors accuse the administrators of being obsessed with performing autopsies on aliens, and go out of their way to create fatal situations.

XI Pox, not its real name, described how he was almost killed at Area 51.

“I require an exact mix of CO2 and methane to breath.  So imagine the horror of waking up in the middle of the night to smell oxygen being pumped into my cabin!  They said it was a paperwork mix up, but I know better!  Who the (expletive deleted) uses paper at a UFO base?”

New World Order spokesperson Zach K. Emerson says all complaints about Area 51 are being investigated.

“We think this is a matter of perception.  When you look at the actual statistics, you’ll find that Area 51 is just as safe as Chicago.”

Representatives from Save the Girgle, The Proxima Centauri Liberation Front, and The PZ Myers Interstellar Fan Club also address the picketers.  Most of their speeches were about their own causes, with a few mentions of Area 51 near the end.

“Just as the thought leaders of secularism hate PZ Myers, so too do the leaders of Area 51 hate their visitors!” Said Stlbija, leader of the PMIFC.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar wouldn’t comment on the charges against Area 51, but said he did support the aliens right to protest as long as they disguised themselves.

“Area 51 is an old UFO base, and I suspect that most visitors have been spoiled by the quality of services at Clow, as well as our commitment to our visitors' safety.”

Representatives for Area 51 denied the existence of any aliens at their base, and insist it is only used to test weapons and airplane prototypes.

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook braces for a summer of Soviet weather attacks
Villages officials prepare for bored teenager crisis
Will County denied free artillery cannon from the army
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/31/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.