Monday, July 25, 2016

Russian Special Operations Forces soldiers spotted canvassing for Trump in Bolingbrook

Did members of Russia’s Special Operations Forces canvas Bolingbrook on behalf of Donald Trump?  Several eyewitness believe so.

Jack, who asked that we not use his last name, claims that three men, wearing urban camouflage and speaking with Russian accents, visited.

According to him, after exchanging pleasantries, the leader go to the point.  “We are real Americans helping Donald Trump fight to make Great America.”  The men then each pulled out a ballistic knife.  “We trust that you will vote for Trump or stay home.  Right?”

Louis, an anonymous Trump supporter, also described a visit from the Russian soldiers.  According him, he opened the door and the leader spoke.  “You are strong strong Second Amendment supporter.  Here is your free AK-105 and free ammo.  Tune into UZB-76 for further instructions.  Remember to use your new rifle to point out Hillary supporters.”  Louis said the other two men laughed.

According to other witnesses, the soldiers tried to stage a protest.  They agree that one of the soldiers walked down Monroe RD, yelling, “All lives are black matter!”  The other two knocked on doors.  One of them allegedly said, “ Black matter scary.  Vote Trump!”

Patrons at Tailgaters say they saw the three soldiers sitting in a booth.  Many witnesses say one of them yelled, “USA!  USA!  We drink Vodka all the way!”  Another said, “After today, Donald Trump will be further in debt to us.  The payment will be huge!”  All three men laughed.

When finally confronted by the police in the parking lot, the men stalled until a Mil Mi-24 flew overhead.  The leader yelled that they should be let go, or else they would release Mayor Roger Claar’s e-mails.  Ropes dropped from the helicopter, and the soldiers grabbed them.  As they ascended to the sky, the leader yelled, “Make us make America Great again!”  The craft then flew away.

Claar, the Illinois National Guard, the Department of Defense, and the Clinton campaign had no comment.

Also in the Babbler:

Pro-Sanders aliens promise not to destroy Bolingbrook during the convention
Pro-Trump zombies spotted in Bolingbrook
Naperville considers building its own wall
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/30/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, July 18, 2016

Hillary Clinton cleared of wrongdoing at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

After an intensive three week investigation, Hillary Clinton was cleared of vandalism charges at Clow UFO Base.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar explained his decision to the interstellar media.  “As much as it will disappoint the Republican Party, I must conclude that Hillary Clinton no messier than any other VIP at Clow.”

Despite months of speculation and accusations by conservative UFOlogists, Claar said that it didn’t take his investigators long to get to the truth.  “We have cameras all over this base, and observers everywhere else.  Nothing gets by me here.  The truth is, unfortunately, that Ms. Clinton is innocent and her accusers, in this case, have an estranged relationship with reality.”

Claar did criticize Clinton for leaving towels on the floor and leaving her bed unmade every night.  “I guess I’m required to say that this is reckless somehow, so I’ll say it.”

Throughout the press conference, Claar stressed that he was a member of the First Party for Bolingbrook and never mentioned the Republican Party, though he is a member of the Illinois Republican Party.

“I believe in America first, and people who agree with me should be for Bolingbrook.”

Former President Bill Clinton rushed the stage, and pulled the microphone away from Claar.  “Thank you for exonerating my wife, I mean future President.  How much do I owe your campaign fund?”

Claar turned red, but kept his voice level as he took the mike back.  “How about you just pay for the damage you did during your last Presidential visit?”

“I thought we were over that.”


Zoie Boilt, alien correspondent for Info Wars Interstellar, was not impressed with the investigation.  “Roger should have kept going until he found something.  That’s what a true white blooded, I mean red blooded, Republican would do.”

Hillary Clinton refused to be interview for this article, but an intern did complain about all the investigations.  “This is the stupidest investigation yet.  The sad thing is, with Donald Trump running, the Republicans will be forced to initiate even dumber investigations to cover up how terrible he is.  That’s why I’m with her!”

Also in the Babbler:

Republican ghosts protest against Donald Trump in DuPage County
Sources:  Former Bolingbrook Mayor Ed Rosenthal to run again in 2017
Aliens conduct ‘Donald Trump evacuation’ drills in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/20/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Live Pokemon terrorizes Bolingbrook

A half dozen Bolingbrook residents claim to have seen a live Pokemon roaming around Bolingbrook.

Promotional image of a Pikachu
Doug, who asked that we not use his last name, may have been the first to see the creature.  “I was playing Pokemon Go, when I saw a Pikachu on my screen, but there was no Poke Ball icon.  I shook my phone, then started to give up.  When I lowered my phone, I saw a real life Pikachu staring at me.  When it said “Pikachu,” I knew it was I right.  You should have seen me run away.  Trust me, electric mice are scary in person!”

Bob, who refused to give his last name because he a Trump supporter, also claims to have seen the creature.  “It was standing right by my Trump sign.  I thought it was some foreign creature trying to eat my sign.  So I turned my garden hose towards it and sprayed water on it.  Wow!  Let me tell you, I’ve never received such a shock in my life!  The worst part happened after the thing left.  My African American neighbor said, ‘Hey Bob!  We look alike now.’  That made me so mad that I wanted to grab my gun and shoot it.  But then I realized it was probably better to wash up.”

Though the Bolingbrook Police department denied the presence of a Pokemon in Bolingbrook, many residents claimed to have several police cars patrolling their neighborhoods.

Joan, who refused to give her last name because “I’m too old for Pokemon” claims she saw a gathering of Nintendo employees and police officers at Jaycee Park.  “The Nintendo people said that Pikachus don’t like to be captured, can be convinced to join up with people.  They also explained that they were breeding real Pokemon for use in the next game.  I didn’t want to think about that.”

Joan, and other witnesses, say that the Pikachu was lured when the employees started playing rave music and then dancing to the music.  Children started dancing with the happy Pikachu, while the police backed away.

One employee allegedly told the Pikachu that they would take her back to Jen.  The Pikachu clapped and blurted out “Pikachu!”  He or she then followed the employees onto a tour bus.  The bus then started the long drive back to Redmond Washington.

When this reporter called Mayor Roger Claar’s office, the receptionist said he was busy talking to a Pokemon Go player.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “George, why am I not surprised to see you playing a kids’ game?”

Also in the Babbler:

Anti-Trump delegates to nominate Claar for Vice-president, says source
Bolingbrook communists refuse to endorse Clinton
Israel establishes settlement near Joliet
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/16/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, July 4, 2016

Web Exclusive: Five skeptics arrested at Bolingbrook Golf Club sit-in

Five skeptics were arrested this morning following sit-in at the Bolingbrook Golf Club. The protesters had hoped to disrupt the All American Celebration scheduled for today.

The protest was organized by the Bolingbrook Skeptics to call attention to what they believe is the “overwhelming presence of woo” in Bolingbrook.  Around 7 AM, 20 people gathered at one of the street entrances to the Golf Club.  Five of them sat down in an attempt to block access.

“We are here at this appropriate intersection to protest the imperialist provers of Woo who are imposing their stupidity upon Bolingbrook!”  One of the protesters yelled into a mega phone.  She then turned towards another protestor and asked, “Did I use the right social justice terms?”

Bolingbrook Skeptics said they would not leave until their demands were met.  The president of the group then presented a list of their demands to a Bolingbrook police officer:

  • A meeting with Mayor Roger Claar.
  • Ban the sale of all homeopathic products in Bolingbrook.
  • All psychics must be approved by the Bolingbrook Skeptics before they operate in Bolingbrook.
  • No more business licenses granted to chiropractors.
  • Three year jail sentences for practicing acupuncture in Bolingbrook
  • Revoke the business license in Bolingbrook that prints or posts on the Internet stories that promote believe in UFOs, Bigfoot, Ghosts, and other paranormal beliefs.
  • Revoke voting privileges for anyone cannot tell the difference between quantum physics and magic.
  • Require all residents to attend special speaking engagements, to be paid for by the village.
  • Quarantine all residents who refuse to be vaccinated.

Around 10 AM, a disheveled Claar walked up to the protesters.  He introduced himself and then shook the hands of each of the protesters, asking for their names.  

Claar then addressed them.  “Even though your protest woke me up, at an unreasonable hour, I have met one of your demands.  Now get out of here, or my police department arrest you.  And no, we’re not continuing this meeting while I’m taking my aspirin and Bloody Mary!”

Most of the protesters walked across the street, while five stayed behind.  Bolingbrook police officers promptly dragged them several feet to a police ban.  Most of the protesters chanted, “James Randi!  He’s OK!  He makes woo go away!”

One however, did have a complaint.  “This hurts!  I knew we should have taken that civil disobedience class before doing this!”

Though the skeptics failed to delay the opening of the All America Celebration, and no other media outlets covered the protest, Peter Zinn, spokesperson for the group, declared it a success.  “Today, we stood up and said that Woo is not welcome here.  We also showed the world what real activism is and what are true social justice causes.  Look at Black Lives Matter.  They staged a sit-in during the Toronto Pride Parade to protest racism.  Really?  Don’t they know that it’s impossible for Canadians to be racists?”

A friend then said, “You’re forgetting something.”

“That’s right.  PZ Myers sucks and this event proved it!”

The Bolingbrook Police Department and PZ Myers refused to comment.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, June 27, 2016

Manchester Mumbler: New World Order to close English and Welsh UFO Bases

By Reporter Zed

The New World Order announced the closing of all UFO bases in England and Wales just days after the controversial Brexit victory. 

NWO Second Observer John Hammer announced the decision.  “It is clear to us that if these two countries cannot be a part of the European Union, they cannot be a part of a greater interstellar community.  In other words, xenophobia means no more access to aliens!”

Hammer announced that the bases would be closed over the next two years.  Employees at the current bases would be given the opportunity to relocate to Scotland, which voted to remain in the European Union.  Hammer did not say how many jobs the two nations would lose, or how many new jobs would be created in Scotland.

Hammer also hinted that new bases could be opened in Northern Ireland.  “The New World Order will make it worth your trouble if there are no more troubles.”

Paul, an operative with M68a, confirmed that the closure of the bases would lead to a reduction in the number of paid skeptics.  He said that not as many would be needed in the United Kingdom, and that the New World Order would tolerate some sightings as a way to improve the Scottish tourism industry, following the death of the Loch Ness Monster.

“Unless you are a skeptic named Richard Dawkins, Richard Wiseman, or Hayley Stevens, consider yourself in the queue for possible right-sizing.”

Also discussed at the press conference:

  • Hammer blamed the Priory of Sion for the success of the Leave campaign.  “Britain was on the verge of uniting the world, but their leaders listened to their lies and dismantled the empire.  We offered them the chance to be part of a united world, but they listened to the Priory’s lies again.  So have fun with your hyper-inflation and worthless pension funds!”
  • The NWO currently has no plans to allow Scotland to annex Manchester and Liverpool.  “Such a move would make the sheeple suspicious, and we can’t have that.” said Hammer.
  • When asked about Labour Party leader Jermey Corbyn, the NWO officials smiled.  Paul then said, “We thought it would be funny a year ago to get him elected.  Now the joke is stale.”

Also in the Manchester Mumbler:

The Page Three Sheep is back!
Cryptozoologists try to clone Nessie
MP demands a Trident missile be fired at Trump Tower
King Arthur to return on 30/6/16 

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, June 20, 2016

Game of Thrones fans riot at Clow UFO Base

Did this scene from Game of Throne inspire aliens to riot?
By Reporter X

Warning:  Spoilers for the Game of Thrones Episode: Battle of the Bastards.

Over 100 aliens rioted at Clow UFO Base following the broadcast of the most recent Game of Thrones episode.  Clow reports75 arrests and an undisclosed amount of damage to the base.

A source connected to Clow’s security team said blamed Clow officials for the fans getting out of control.  “Most of our team was so busy focusing on the NBA Finals watching parties, that we forgot about the Game of Thrones watching parties.”

Initially, the parties were peaceful.  Gol Paco, from Alpha Centauri, said she spent most of her savings to make the trip to Clow.  “HBO Interstellar doesn’t show first run episodes of Game of Thrones. I watched the first eight episodes of this season thanks to smugglers.  When they the authorities killed them, I was mad, because I wanted to see how this season ends.  So I had to make the trip.”

After the episode ended, many aliens took to the corridors to celebrate the Stark family’s victory against sadistic ruler Ramsay Bolton.  One reveler yelled, “After six years, something good finally happened to the Starks! I no longer feel guilty for watching the Starks suffer!”

According to some eyewitnesses, the violence began when some aliens started drinking goat cheese shakes.  

Said another source connect to the security team, “The show said that fermented goat’s milk makes humans drunk.  It also makes some of our visitors very drunk and violent.”  

Eyewitnesses aren’t not sure if the riot started over an argument about why Rickon ran in a straight line as Ramsay shot arrows, or whether Yara Stark should marry Daenerys Targaryen.  At some point, the fans started smashing windows and setting Segways on fire.

“Winter is coming!”  One rioter yelled.  “Let’s start a fire!”

Using a combination of riot foam and physical restraint by the Men in Blue, the Riot ended after 15 minutes.  Several were injured, but there were no reported fatalities.

A lawyer for one of the accused rioters vowed to get her client off on First Amendment grounds.

“That particular section of Clow is managed by the United States government, and that means my client has the right to do anything as long has he is saying something!  My client was saying how much he loves Game of Thrones.  So I call upon Mayor Roger Claar to apologize for arresting him.  UFO bases can burn.  The Constitution is sacred!”

When reached for comment, Claar replied, “I’m sorry, I’m not a fan of Iron Man.  We are talking about the Marvel shows, right?”

Sources at Clow say they will allow for viewing parties of the season finale, but promise tighter security during the broadcast.

Also in The Babbler

Richard Carrier banned from Clow UFO Base
Werewolves celebrate first full moon of the summer
Palatine vows to have one police officer for every resident
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/25/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Never forget

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