Thursday, March 26, 2015

Web Exclusive! Hundreds of alien refugees flee Indiana into Illinois

Fearing possible persecution, hundreds of aliens fled Indiana’s UFO bases after Governor Mike Pence signed the Religious Freedom Restoration Act. 

Both of Illinois major UFO bases, Clow UFO Base in Bolingbrook and Hub 35 in Rochelle, are experiencing record breaking influx of visitors, many of whom left Indiana with only their space suit and a few days of supplies.

Thomas Xavier, the New World Order’s overseer for Illinois’s UFO bases, expressed confidence that both bases could handle the sudden arrival of refugees.

“Illinois was built by immigrants, and we know how to handle immigrants.  Indiana’s misfortune is Illinois’s gain.”

While supporters of the law say it will prevent local governments from creating an undue burden on religious believers, critics and aliens claim the law will allow discrimination if it can be backed up by religious belief.

Despite reassurances by officials in Indiana’s Stellar Outreach department, many aliens, like Pochku, choose to flee.

“I am a lesbian demisexual solo polyamorous space alien.  Do you think any Earth religion is going to tolerate me?  You religions can’t even handle mixed fabric.  Now its considered an undue burden to prevent a religious person from discriminating against me, or worse, killing me.  Indiana is a horrible state of mind!”

Loadock, a former resident of Heltonville UFO Base, claims that a local resident shot at the base, minutes after the bill was signed.

“The human was immediately approached by the local police.  He just smiled and held up his Bible.  He said that the Bible tells him that aliens are demons, and his religious beliefs require him to shoot at us.  Arresting him would place an undue burden on his religious beliefs.  The police let him go.  How bluegoo is that?”

Loadock claims that once the alien visitors were informed of the incident, they panicked.

“Most had their own ships, but several of us were stuck without a craft.  We couldn’t take a chance by waiting.”  

The aliens without a UFO, according to Loadock, tried to either bribe, fight or sneak onto a departing craft.

“I will never forget the sight of dozens of beings falling to their deaths as a spacecraft rose into the air.  I hope Indiana chokes on its religious freedom!”

Xavier insisted that the panic is unnecessary.

“All UFO bases are considered interstellar territory.  They are immune from state and national laws.  All New World Order bases are discrimination free zones, and, with the exception of Area 51, seek to provide a safe space for all visitors!”

Sarah, a spokesperson for Americans United for the Separation of Church and State, expressed sympathy for the aliens plight.  “Religious freedom does not mean the freedom to discriminate.  These laws need to be stopped, or else the United States will lose universal knowledge because of fundamentalism!  Americans United is dedicated to stopping both religious and atheist extremists from abusing the power of government to impose their beliefs on others!  Don’t tell Chris Stedman I talked to you guys!”

Dave, a spokesperson for God’s Indiana, is glad aliens are leaving Indiana.

“They don’t belong here.  The Bible states in plain English that any one not from this Earth is either a devil or angel.  Anyone connected to the New World Order is a devil, and we must smite them.  The government has the burden of proving us wrong!”

Indiana officials could not be reached for comment.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, March 9, 2015

See you on April 13th!

From the Editor:

Our staff will be taking a break from updating our web page until April 13, so we can devote more time to our special project.  We promise to be back then, and no, we haven't been taken over by aliens!  Instead, we hope to unveil our surprise before the end of the year!

Sara Langston
Editor of The Bolingbrook Babbler

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Chicago mayor blames UFOs for forcing runoff election

Sources say Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel is blaming UFOs for forcing him into a runoff election.

“I saw (expletive deleted) lights in the sky the night before the election.”  A source claims Emanuel said.  “The next day I only got 45% of the vote.  It’s no (expletive deleted) coincidence.”

Emanuel, according to the sources, is consulting with Ufologists  to prevent future tampering, and, at the same time, is using his own interstellar connections to ‘enlighten’ Chicago voters.

“Rahm feels like the universe has pulled down his pants.”  Said one source, who always wanted to be quoted as an anonymous source for The Babbler.  “So if can’t win, he’ll make every interstellar civilization pay for embarrassing him!”

Other sources say Emanuel is blaming Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar for the aliens’ interference in Chicago’s election.

According to a source, many in Bolingbrook’s covert government departments feel that the proposed George Lucas museum is a cover for an illegal UFO base.  Bolingbrook officials suspect that once the museum is completed, the UFO traffic will be so heavy that the New World order will have no choice but to accept the base.

“This will put Clow UFO Base out of business!”  Said the source.  “So obviously Roger is playing hardball to protect his base, and his village’s economy.”

More sources claim that Emanuel sent an “obscene” letter to Claar accusing him of using alien technology to rig the election.

“Keep your (expletive deleted) aliens out of my (expletive deleted) city or I will turn your (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) village into a village of the damned and I will make sure that G_d damns your (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) too!”

Claar allegedly responded by sending Emanuel a thesaurus.

When asked to comment, Emanuel replied, “I don’t need to blame your (expletive deleted) fake (expletive deleted)  aliens.  The simple fact is the residents of Chicago (expletive deleted) up because it was too cold on election day.  I’m confident that in April, they’ll clean up the (expletive deleted) they created.”

A spokesperson for the Jesus “Chuy” Garcia campaign simply replied, “We believe that a Chuy victory will show the universe that intelligent life exists in Chicago!”

When reached for comment, Claar’s receptionist said he was in the middle of a phone call with Governor Bruce Rauner, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said.  “You want to use the shock doctrine on Illinois?  Fine!  Just leave my village out of it!”

Also in The Babbler:

Satanic dating app tested in Bolingbrook
Opinion: American Atheists are clueless about basic politics
Skepchick Party promises not to purge Bolingbrook of men or creationists if elected

God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/6/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Dan Savage savaged by aliens at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

What started as a question and answer session with sex expert Dan Savage at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base quickly turned into a near riot.  No arrests were made, but the session was cut short and Men in Blue escorted Savage to safety.

“You’re all a bunch of little green men!”  Savage shouted as he was leaving.

“That’s an insult towards aliens!” An anonymous alien replied.

“Boo hoo!”  Savage sarcastically snapped back.  “Are you going to file a complaint about how I hurt your feelings?”

“No!”  The alien replied.  “We’d rather you rinse your mouth out with santorum!”  

Savage tried to lunge at the alien, but he was restrained by MiBs and removed from the room.

Though warmly greeted at the start of session, Savage’s problem started when three beings from the Scholz star system approached a microphone to start the questions.  They described themselves as a “triple.”  One described himself as male, and the other as female.  The third, Dazgoo, described itself as a “zulblu.”  

“What is a zulblu?”  Asked Savage.

“That’s my gender.”  Dazgoo proudly replied.

“I suppose you have you have preferred pro-nouns you’ll ask me to use.”  Savage countered.

“Um.  The proper pronouns for zulblu are zu, blu, goo, and zal.”

“No!”  Shouted Savage.  “I’m not using those words, and I’ll be damned if we’re going to add a “z” to the gay movement!  John Aravosis is right.  We already have too many letters in our movement!  Unless you’re an alien—”

“Yes, I am from another solar system.”  Dazgoo happily replied.  The crowd muttered in agreement.

“I suppose you also claim to be asexual.”

Dazgoo shook his head, but another alien yelled, “I can reproduce asexually!”

Savage growled, then said, “Look!  There are four things that are undeniably true.  There’s no such thing as bisexuals.  There’s no such thing as asexuals.  There are only two genders, and there’s no such thing as space aliens.”

At that point, the session turned into a shouting match.

Dazgoo expressed blu disappointment.

“We just wanted his advice on buying a bed for a sexually active human couple we know.  He didn’t have to be so nasty towards us.  If he had given me a chance to explain, I could have told him that zulblu are a biological sex as well as a gender.  Among my species, the zulblu are the ones who carry babies to term.  Males and females just deposit their reproductive cells inside of us.”

A spokesperson for Clow UFO Base explained that this was a simple misunderstanding.  Savage, he explained, sincerely believed that he was actually at a LGBT science fiction conviction.  He also assumed that the aliens visitors were really humans in costume.

“He didn’t mean to be offensive.”  Said the spokesperson.  “Therefore he wasn’t offensive.  We hope our guests will understand this bit of human logic.”

The spokesperson added that Savage’s memory of the session was erased, and he now has no knowledge about the presence of interstellar aliens on Earth.

When reached for comment, Savage denied any knowledge about space aliens, and also denied that he had ever spoken in Bolingbrook.

“If you don’t leave me alone, I’ll have the Internet redefine your publication as a piece of (expletive deleted!)”

Also in The Babbler:

Claar to raise UFO tax
Adventist hospital revives Bolingbrook man frozen for one month
Soviets vow to turn Chicago into ‘Sibera West’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/1/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Mr. Washington detained outside of Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base security confirmed that they had detained a man known formerly known on the Internet as Mr. Washington.  They accused him of attempting to break into Bolingbrook’s UFO base and meet with its alien visitors.

Said an anonymous source, “He was trying to find one of the hidden entrances to the base, and obviously had no idea where to look.  It was obvious he wasn’t going to leave the airport area until he found an entrance to the base.  So we had our plain clothed officers take him in.  Fortunately he cooperated, otherwise we’d have to send in the Men in Blue to deal with him.”

According to other sources, Washington he was desperate to find some way to restart The Watch Dogs of Bolingbrook, a group that from 2009 until 2013, sought to remove Mayor Roger Claar from office.  Despite poor showings in the 2009 and 2011 elections, and not running candidates in 2013, Washington insisted that the group still has thousands of supporters.

“Our blog still gets hits!” He said, according to sources.  “Every time I look at the blog, the hit counter goes up!”

He told security officials that the only reason the group folded due to Claar “forming an alliance with the Mob, The New World Order, and Anonymous.”  He blames this alliance for framing George D. Smith for attempted child abduction and covering up his military record.

“George is the greatest military mind ever!  If it weren’t for Roger, he would be defeating ISIS and Russia!”  Washington allegedly said.

Washington then explained he has spent the past two years trying to get “Inter Poll” to arrest Claar for “crimes agains humanity in his administration of Bolingbrook.”  He finally gave up, and wanted to ask Bolingbrook’s alien visitors to assist him.  According to the sources, Washington wanted the aliens bring Watch Dogs leader Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea back to Bolingbrook and protect her from “Roger’s evil minions.”  Specifically, he wanted them to transport the Florida subdivision she lives in to Bolingbrook.  Then he wanted them to “rescue” Smith and secure him in the subdivision.  Once both were established as residents Bolingbrook again, he said, “the residents will rise up and overthrow Roger.  This time I mean it!”

When security officials asked what would happen to the other residents of the subdivision, he said they would gladly support her because the aliens would leave the board members of the homeowners association back in Florida.

Washington was released after three hours, and warned not to search for Clow UFO Base again.

Washington and Smith could not be reached for comment.  

A person who claimed to be a spokesperson for Kurowski-Alicea sent an e-mail, which partly read, “Wherever Bonnie goes, she always manages to uncover corruption.  We don’t care what the Facebook page of Verde Ridge HOA saysBonnie’s current blog reveals the truth!  Today she will bring justice to a homeowners association.  Tomorrow, she will bring justice to Florida.  After that, she will bring justice to the United State (sic) and bring Roger to justice!  She has only begun to fight!”

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook residents pray for East Coast residents affected by Soviet Snow Attack
Visitors from Pluto flock Bolingbrook to enjoy ‘warm’ temperatures 
Ghosts blamed from Kennedy 40 car accident

God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/20/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, February 9, 2015

Rochelle Reader: Aliens colonize Creston

By Reporter Y

Approximately 100 space aliens moved into Creston, IL last week as part of the phased opening of Hub 35 UFO Base.  The aliens will live in cloaked houses on the Northeast side of the village, and will commute to Hub 35 by riding in buses disguised as trucks hauling grain containers.

Claude X. Packersonn, director of Hub 35, praised the village at an interstellar press conference for housing the aliens, thank the village government for their efforts to cover up the move.

“Creston is the ideal village to introduce our visitors to humanity.”  He said.  “The residents are nice.  It’s just the right size, and if there’s an incident, we can easily blow it up without anyone noticing.”  Packersonn smiled, and then said.  “I’m joking.  If there are any incidents here, we can easily contain them without any residents or the rest of the world noticing.”

Despite the village government’s best efforts, many residents reported encountering disguised aliens wondering through out the town.

Don, who claims to work at Huber Feed, LLC, claim an alien visited them.

“This very pale man was standing under one of our chutes.  When he saw me, he yelled, ‘I can’t wait to try to your buffet!  Fill me up!’  He looked up at the chute and then opened his mouth really huge.  Like his jaw was several feet long.  He thought we were going feed him.  He looked small, but I’m sure he could have wiped out our stores with metabolism.  Somehow, I found the courage to tell him to go to Smoking Harry’s instead.  I hope he didn’t eat them out of business.”

Lance, who claims to work at Headon’s, a meat market, says he saw two disguised aliens in his store.  One of them bought steaks.

“Then the guy looked at his friend and said, ‘Look!  They sell pre-sliced biological samples here!’  His friend slapped him.  Then his friend said, ‘You fool!  Don’t you remember the video transmissions we watched before arriving here.  Go back to the big box!’  His friend took the bag and watched him leave.  Here’s the good part.  The friend looked at me and said, ‘Please excuse my blagmate.  He meant no disrespect.  I promise, when we get home, that we will gladly apply your product directly to our foreheads!’  Then he pulled out one of the steaks and started rubbing it on his forehead.”

Not all aliens are adjusting to life in Creston.  A resident, who asked to be identified as Paul, saw what he believed to be a distressed alien.

“It was standing on the edge of town and it looked like it was pounding on the air.  Maybe there’s a forcefield that only affect alines surrounding us.  Anyway, he yelled, ‘This place is too small!  My spaceship has closets bigger than this!  Give me more room!’  I knew better than to ask what was going on.”

Packersonn acknowledged that some aliens would have problems adjusting, but thinks the local businesses will help them feel welcome.

“We’re working out the final details, but all the local businesses should have special alien only hours soon.  We were hoping some would stay open until 10 PM, but we might have to settle for 6 PM instead.  Who came up with the idea for a 5 PM curfew?”

When told there wasn’t a curfew, he exclaimed, “Then why does this town shutdown after 5 PM?”

Also in The Rochelle Reader:

Left Shark blames time distortion field for Super Bowl mess up
City Clerk: Aliens cannot run for office in Rochelle!
Soviets blamed for crippling snow storm

God to bless Rochelle on 2/13/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Four anti-vaccination terrorists arrested at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base security personnel arrested four alleged members of the anti-vaccination terrorist group KukPu’K.  Two of the detainees were carrying vials of the measles virus.  

Donald X. Paulson, Clow UFO Base’s representative to the New World Order, stressed that the Bolingbrook was never in danger during the arrest.

“Once we received credible information that these terrorists were on board a craft bound for Clow, we directed that craft to a sealed medical emergency hanger.  Every human operative sent in to the craft was vaccinated.  The terrorists were stunned before they could unleash any biological agents.  We are also sterilizing the entire craft.  The passengers and crew are in isolation until we are absolutely certain they are not infectious.”

According to anonymous sources within Clow and the New World Order, the terrorists planned on spreading anti-vaccination propaganda in Bolingbrook.  Once Bolingbrook’s residents lost herd immunity, the terrorists would then unleash the measles virus, potentially killing many residents.

KuKPu’K is a terrorist organization that attacks civilizations by convincing their citizens not to vaccinate themselves, and then releasing deadly viruses that have vaccines.  Experts believe that KuKPu’K has destroyed 20 civilizations with this tactic.

The narrator of one of KuKPu’K’s holovidoes justifies these attacks by stating, “we are not anti-vaccine.  Just anti-stupidity.  Any civilization whose members refuse to get vaccinated deserves to die!”

Paulson blamed the United States’s current measles epidemic on a KuKPu’K’s operative releasing the virus at Disneyland.  He added that KuKPu’K is trying to establish more foothold in an effort to destroy the United States.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar urged all residents to get vaccinated, “because it is the right thing to do.”

He added, “Vaccines don’t cause autism.  They don’t turn you into slaves, and they don’t contain toxins.  This is not a partisan issue.  I have to deal with Republicans like Donald Trump, who embarrass our party whenever he tweets!  So I say, Left or Right, get vaccinated, now!”

Paulson added, that any human caught working with KuKPu’K will be framed for a crime against humanity.

KuKPu’K representatives could not be reached for comment.

A pro-vaccination activist, who asked not to be identified, told this reporter, “Oh my God!  You won’t persuade people to support vaccination by making up stories about alien terrorists.  You should follow the advice in this link!”

Also in The Babbler:

Soviets fail to destroy Bolingbrook with blizzard attack
UFO disappears of the Lisle Square
Gov. Rauner denies plan to sell union members to aliens

God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/6/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.