Sunday, November 29, 2015

Stink bomb defused at Bolingbrook atheist Meetup

File photo by Hexogen
The Cook County Bomb Squad successfully defused a stink bomb at the Idoru bar in Bolingbrook.  Sources say the bomb was meant for the Bolingbrook Atheistic Freethinking Skeptical Brights Meetup.

“We want to thank Cook County for their assistance.”  Said an anonymous source within the Bolingbrook Police Department.  The bomb wouldn’t have hurt anyone, but it would have taken days to get the stench out.  I guess a Democrat controlled agency can do some good.”

Bob, who asked that we not use his full name, claims he discovered the bomb while looking for his daughter.

“She went under the table cloth, so I peaked my head under to tell her to leave.  That’s when I saw the bomb attached to the middle post.  It was connected to a cell phone.  She asked if she could make a phone call.  I yelled ‘no’ so loud, the people on the sidewalk noticed!”

Bob said he reported the bomb to organizer.

“The guy just sat there and said he didn’t have a plan.  He just assumed that everyone who attended would be ‘awesome’ and never thought of what to do if something bad happened.”

After Bob talked to the manager, the manager evacuated all the patrons and called the police.  After a few hours, the bomb was successfully removed, and detonated safely.

Another source provided what she claims is a note left inside the bar.

“Groups who claim to represent atheism stink.  People who claim to be leaders of atheism stink!  Any ‘movement’ claiming to represent atheists stinks just as badly as a bowel movement.”

The note was signed by “An atheist going his own way.”  The note from the alleged bomber also contained a warning to organizations that make up the atheist movement.

“Atheism is merely the lack of belief in gods.  That’s it.  It stands for nothing.  It demands nothing.  It expects nothing.  The only things that come from nothing are universes!  Not atheist organizations that demand your money!  These organizations stink!  My fellow atheists are right to condemn Freethought Blogs, but have a blind spot for phony organizations like American Atheists, The Skeptics Society, and Center for Inquiry.  CFI is recognized by the UN.  I don’t recall them asking for my permission before seeking to represent atheists at the UN.  This stinks, and I will make sure that any Meetup group, organization, or coalition that dares to speak for all atheists will reek in public!”

Sources in the Bolingbrook police department say they believe they are dealing with a “mentally ill young white male” and not a “domestic terrorist.”

Janice C. Perkins, a public relations intern at CFI Chicago, say they will not let this stink bomb threat prevent them form doing their work.

“CFI has brought together progressive atheists and libertarian atheist together to give us their time and money.  There is an atheist movement.  It may not represent all atheists, but it exists to defend the rights of all atheists.  Stink bombs will not prevent us from speaking out for liberal causes abroad and libertarian causes at home!”

Also in the Babbler:

Ghost turkeys terrorize Chicagoland
Feminist werewolves vow to protect local women’s clinics
Cloud UFOs banned from Bolingbrook
God to spare Bolingbrook this week

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, November 23, 2015

Rochelle Reader: Five Trump supporters arrested after trying to vandalize alien homes

By Reporter X

The New World Order arrested and charged five Trump supporters with attempting to vandalize the homes of space aliens in Creston.  No homes were damaged, but Men in Black did find sledgehammers, spray paint, and guns in the suspects pick up trucks.

“Let’s be perfectly clear.”  Said John Smith 23, head of Visitor Security in Creston.  “These were not bored teenagers looking for fun.  These were adults trying to terrorize our visitors.  This is unacceptable, and they will be punished!”

Smith says the supporters, who call themselves Trumpets, believe Donald Trump wants to deport all space aliens.  Therefore, they felt they had the right to intimidate Creston’s space alien population.

One of the suspects, who only called himself Chuck, denied they were trying to intimidate the aliens.

“We just wanted to break some glass, and we thought the aliens wouldn’t mind.  You know broken glass looks like crystal at night.  Wouldn’t you—”

“Oh my God!”  His lawyer interrupted.  “Shut up and let me do the talking!  You’re going to get yourself executed.”

“No I won’t!  If Donald Trump can say anything, than so can I!  I have a right to say anything I want!  Earth is for humans only.  Ninety-nine percent of all space aliens are murders and mutants!  Martians are weak!  Democrats are infested with brain slugs!  The New World Order must be destroyed!  Obama—”

His lawyer then punched Chuck.  “You also have the right to remain silent, which I suggest you use if you want to live!”

Golzak, who chased off the alleged vandals, says he is concerned about Trump’s support in the area.

“The humans in Creston are great and very supportive of us.  Unfortunately, Trump has an army of hateful humans, and they can easily overrun Creston without our help.I hope your Republican party finds their anti-Trump candidate soon.  I don’t want any more violence in this political subdivision of Earth.”

A source who works in the Trump campaign, confirms that Trump hates alien visitors.

“The Donald wanted to buy property on the far side of the moon, but aliens already had a base there, and they wouldn’t sell.  He’s never forgiven the greater interstellar community for it.”

The source also confirms the Trump campaign’s recent nod towards attacking non-Trump supporters.

“It’s part of our new Iowa strategy.  You see, it doesn’t matter who wins the straw poll on Caucus night.  Only who ends up with the most delegates at the state convention.  So we want all Iowans to know that we are literally willing to fight you for delegate seats, and we’re not afraid to use our Second Amendment rights.  Not that the two are related, mind you.”

Donald Trump could not be reached for comment.

Also in the Rochelle Reader:

Experts:  Bored teen crisis to worsen as winter approaches
Hub 35 UFO Base recovers from snow storm
Rochelle to refuse Wisconsin refugees
God to bless Rochelle this week

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, November 16, 2015

Governor Rauner to expand ‘refugee ban?’

Governor Bruce Rauner
Could Governor Rauner’s recent ban on Syrian refugees be expanded to include other refugee groups?  Sources with friends in Springfield say yes.

“Once you accept that a governor can decide who can and cannot resettle in their state, the sky’s the limit!”  Said one source.

The sources agree that Rauner could enact popular refugee bans, such as bans on Afghan refugees, Iraqi refugees, and Greek Refugees.  They also say that he’s considering expanding the definition of “refugee” so he can enact more “unconventional bans.”

“We know that there are liberals who are fleeing Wisconsin.  If we could get them declared refugees, then we can ban them from Illinois.  Like Illinois needs more Democratic voters.”

Anther source listed other possible redefined groups he could define as refugees.

“You know all those protests in Missouri?  All we have to do is declare a refugee crisis, and wham!  No protesters moving to Illinois at all!  Sure we’d trap innocent Republicans in Missouri, but that’s the price we have to pay to protect the feelings of university presidents and police officers in Illinois.”

Don, a Wisconsin resident currently visiting Illinois, is outraged at Rauner’s possible new refugee bans.

“I’m a Bears fan, and Wisconsin can be an unbearable place to live in during football season.  If the Pack is winning, my neighbors will constantly least me.  If they’re losing, they’ll yell at me.  If the Bears win, well I can’t talk about what they do to me.  I can handle it now, but it could change, and I want the option to flee to Illinois if I have to.  Rauner wants me to suffer because he’s afraid I might be a secret Packer.  What kind of heartless billionaire is he?  I’m sorry.  That’s redundant.”

Randal, who lives on the West side of Chicago, is also concerned about Rauner’s possible plans.

“I studied hard in school, and now I’m in line for a great job in Bolingbrook.  What if Rauner decides that I’m really a refugee from Chicago, and I could be a secret gang member?  I’m trying to escape the criminals and bad influences here.  I’m not one of them, and I don’t want to be trapped with them!”

A spokesperson for Rauner denied that there are plans to change the definition of “refugee” in Illinois.  She also clarified his position on Syrian refugees.

“The governor cannot actually stop refugees from entering the state, but we can refuse to provide support if the Federal Government settles any refugees.  If any refugee comes to the attention of the State Police, well, lets just say I wouldn’t want to be in their shoes.”

Also in the Babbler:

Downers Grove man fakes autism after filming embarrassing video
Aliens join Black Lives Matter demonstration at Clow UFO Base
Revived caveman to campaign for Trump

God to spare Bolingbrook this week

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, November 9, 2015

British secret agent hospitalized in Bolingbrook

Photo by Julien Solomita
Sources within village hall confirm that a British Secret agent is being treated at Bolingbrook Adventist Hospital for alcohol poisoning.

“Some people are just not meant to be James Bond.”  Said one of the sources.

The sources agree that the agent, who identified himself as Fergus Baker, parachuted down to Clow Airport on Saturday evening.  According to eyewitnesses, he was wearing a spacesuit with char marks on it.  Once he landed he discarded the space suit, revealing his black tuxedo.

“I always change for the occasion.”  He said to the stunned ground crew.  “Drat!  That didn’t come out right.”

Baker explained that a few hours earlier, he’d been ridden on top of a missile launched off the West Coast.  He used the missile to reach an old Soviet mind control satellite.  Once he reached the satellite, he claims he got into a fight with three cosmonauts who were trying to reactivate it.  He claims they were trying to give Vladimir Putin control of the satellite.  Baker finally stopped them when he managed to jury-rig a laser gun and use it to kill the cosmonauts.

“For a few seconds, I was a shooting star.  What?  I thought that was funny.”

Baker claims he destroyed the satellite, and just happened to land in Bolingbrook. He said he would celebrate his victory, and then report to the British Consulate in the afternoon.

Eyewitnesses later saw Baker at a nearby bar.  Two say women say he approached them.  According to them, he said, “Hello ladies.  My parents were killed by Russians.  My girlfriend promised to marry me, but was really going to sell me out to ISIS.  I kill people for a living.  People around me die, but I save the world every three years.  Why don’t you two join me in my hotel room and see for yourself that Christmas can come early this year.”  

As the women left, they saw the man look at the wall and say, “This never happened to the other fellow.

A bartender said that Baker later asked him for a drink.  

“Rum with coke!  Chill the Coke to 36.4 degrees in a can, not a dispenser.  Gently add the rum before adding the ice.  Make sure there is only 1.2 cm of foam on top!  Make it perfect!  I just saved the world, and I deserve a perfect drink.  Even a Tea Party Supporting American can’t mess up this drink.”

After three attempts, the bartender finally got the drink right.  The agent gulped it down then coughed.

“This really wouldn’t have happened to the other guy.”  He then passed out.

“My first thought was that some evil organization some how knew which bottle I was going to serve him with, and somehow managed to add just the right amount of poison.  Then I realized that this guy seriously couldn’t hold a drink.

Baker was rushed to the hospital, where he is currently being treated.  Sources in the hospital say he should be OK, and released by Wednesday.  

The British Consulate and MI6 deny that Baker works for the British government.

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar rejects Cat and Dog cafe
Atheists shocked as Richard Dawkins say nothing controversial for a whole week
WGN threatens to unleash superstorm on Thursday

God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/13/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, November 2, 2015

Bush whisper campaign accuses Sen. Marco Rubio of being a Reptoid

Sources say that Jeb Bush’s staff is starting a whisper campaign accusing Sen. Marco Rubio of being a Reptoid alien.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures.”  Said one source.  “There are only two types of people in the world: The Bushes and the help.  Right now the help isn’t helping us!  Worse, the Republican Party is about to elect one of the most unhelpful persons ever!  We can’t let this happen!  We can’t lose to a candidate that spends more time selling books than campaigning for President!”

Weighed down by poor poll numbers, declining donations, and major staff cuts, Bush’s advisor’s are afraid that the Republican establishment will turn to Rubio as their alternative to “insurgent” candidates like Donald Trump, Dr. Ben Carson, and Carly Fiorina.  Sources within the Republican party believe that if Rubio gets the nomination, the “insurgent Tea Party” Republicans will accept him, and the party will be reunited.

The Bush campaign feels it must destroy Rubio if it hopes to become the official Republican establishment campaign.

“I joined the Bush campaign to win.  Not to take a pay cut and fly coach!”  Said another anonymous staff member.  “The Republican voters have gone crazy, and we have to speak their language if we want to survive!  Our dark ops team has to take things to a new level of Florida!  We have to make things so Florida that even Rubio can’t charm his way out!”

The campaign will begin their campaign by posting comments on conservative boards.  Then they plan on paying bloggers to “beg the question” about Rubio’s humanity.  With enough Internet comments, they hope that Fox News will notice and run a “some people say” type news story.

“It will be perfect.  Republican pundits, I mean thought leaders, will be able to question his race without being accused of racism.  Jeb will keep quiet while the conservative media will do our work for us.  We wish we didn’t have to do this, but he gave us no choice by running for President, instead of supporting Jeb.  He will have to pay for crossing the Bush family!”

A spokesperson for Rubio denied the charges.  “If he wants to bring up the senator’s alleged ties to aliens, we’ll be happy to bring up his family’s real ties to Saudi Arabia!”  

“In the background, a man could be heard talking.  “I need more water.  How can you sit there and not drink water.  I also wish the Earth would warm up faster.  It’s too cold here in Texas!”

Bush could not be reached for comment because the minutes on his pre-paid cellphone had run out.

Also in the Babbler:  

New logistics company opens office at Clow UFO Base
Clow security questions UFO crew following Egyptian plane crash
Claar buys campaign ad on a Dyson sphere

God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/7/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, October 26, 2015

Friendly Atheist Freight to start trucking in January

Will the famed Naperville blogger Hemant “The Friendly Atheist” Mehta’s face soon appear on the sides of 53’ trailers?

Rick Z. Hernandez of Aurora recently started a new truckling company called Friendly Atheist Freight.  Named in honor of the blogger, Hernandez hopes that company will prove “that you can provide good customer service without God.”

Hernandez said he came up with the idea after dealing with an explicitly religious trucking company.  

“I asked if they had the (man)power to cover my load.  I explained that it was really important that it be picked up and delivered on time.  The dispatcher said yes.  So I gave him the freight.  Anyway, pickup day came, and there was no driver.  I called back, and he said he didn’t have any drivers.  I asked why he lied to me.  He denied lying to me.  I’ll never forget what he said.  ‘The Lord told me to accept your load.  If He decided not to provide you with a driver, than who am I to question the Lord?’”

Paul, an owner-operator who asked that we not use his last name, say he is excited to be partnering with FAF.

“Every time I have to haul a trailer with a biblical quote it, I cringe.  Now I’m going to be hauling trailers with quotes from all the great New Atheists.  What’s even better, all the drivers can choose which quotes they want on their trailers.  So if a driver wants a trailer with a Heina Dadabhoy quote or a Sikivu Hutchinson quote instead of Christopher Hitchens, they can!  No deep rifts with this company!”

When asked if he had permission to use Mehta’s likeness or had even told him about he company, Hernandez hesitated.  

“I believe it is better to ask for forgiveness than to seek permission.  I’m sure that when Hemant understands how much money I have already spent on this company, and how many people I will be employing, he will be friendly enough to forgive me, and wave his marketing fee.”

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Mehta said he could not be disturbed.

“Hemant is busy doing the work necessary to keep the atheist movement united and focused on the real threat of religious theocracy!”

In the background,  a man sounded like he was speaking on the phone.

“Richard!  You’re tweets are killing me.  Especially your last one about trans women!  What’s wrong?  I’m trying to be friendly to everyone in the atheist movement.  Since I’m required to defend you, I’m going to offend people who believe trans women are unquestionably women.  They’re not going to think I’m friendly towards them.  That hurts my business model and affects traffic to my blog and podcast!  I have a family to support.  Richard, please, please skip to the part where you say that you were misunderstood and blame Twitter.  I can get all atheists to agree that Twitter is bad, and everyone will like me again!”

Also in the Babbler:

Clow UFO Base lockdown ends two hours after nearby shooting
No ghosts or aliens involved in shooting incident
Opinion:  Claar will not take your guns after shooting

God to spare Bolingbrook this week.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Exclusive: Interview with Presidential candidate Ben Carson!

Photo by Gage Skidmore 
By Reporter X

Editor’s Note: Presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson recently granted an interview with our own Reporter X.  The full interview is available in this week’s print edition, in which he talks about hosting visiting angels, capturing the Jersey Devil, and his top secret cure for cancer. The following is an excerpt.

Staffer:  Dr. Carson, these are the um, unique interviewers I told you about.  Mr. X is from the Bolingbrook Babbler, and—

Carson:  I know who David Silverman is!  That’s why I’m talking to that American atheist last.  Hello Mr. X.

X:  Hello.  I’m honored to meet you.  I have so many questions for you.

Silverman:  You’re talking to that woo guy first!  I’m the spokesperson for all American atheists—

Carson:  And I’m God’s chosen candidate.  Now please wait your turn!

X:  Do you really believe that?

Carson:  Absolutely.  God told me to run, and I didn’t have a choice.  Honestly, I thought He told me to do this so I could end up getting my own show on Fox.  But now I see He has a plan for me.  A plan he is revealing through the New World Order.

X:  The New World Order?  I thought the Illuminati ran Presidential elections.

Carson:  They do, but now the NWO wants to take over.  God has chosen me to help the NWO overthrow the Republican/Illuminati establishment and establish a holy new order!

X:  I thought the New World Order was atheistic.

Silverman:  They are!

Carson:  Mr. Silverman, please wait your turn.  Now the truth of the matter is, they think aliens are like us, but I have an advantage.  I know the truth!

X:  Which is?

Carson:  Aliens are really angels.

X:  Really?  You know most aliens will deny that?

Carson:  They will deny it, but we cannot deny the truth.  We all know that evolution is false, and that God centered the universe around us.  So there are no so-called aliens out there.  Yet we see them in sky every night.  So that leaves only one inescapable conclusion.

X:  Evolution is real?

Carson:  No.  We’re being visited by angels every night, and the New World Order is their tool.

X:  Um.  OK.  Is Donald Trump part of their plan.

Carson:  No! He’s part of the Papal plot to overthrow the Illuminati, but I know nothing else.

X:  OK. 

Carson:  Also, as President, I will abolish The Department of Education, and any school that teaches the theory of stellar evolution.

X:  Stellar evolution?

Carson:  Yes.  Can you believe scientists are foolish enough to believe that the stars are just like our sun?  Look up at the sky.  The sun is obviously bigger and nothing like the tiny stars.

X:  That’s because the stars are further away than the Sun.

Carson:  You believe that nonsense?

X:  I speak with aliens everyday.

Carson:  Ye of little faith.  Don’t you realize that if the stars were that far way, then that means the light reaching our eyes is older than the universe?

X:  But if you use a telescope—

Carson:  Telescopes are tool of the devil!  The truth is that we’re surrounded by a black sphere, and the stars are holes where the light of Heaven shines through.

Silverman:  Before I start laughing uncontrollably,  can I just ask one question?

Carson:  Very well.  What is it?

X:  Since you’ve begun campaigning, you’ve done nothing but pander to extreme Christians.  Speaking on behalf of one of the fastest growing voting blocs, I have to ask why should atheists vote for you.

Carson:  There is no good reason for an atheist to vote for me.  However, there are plenty of good reasons for an atheist to vote for my vice-presidential candidate.

(A woman walks into the room.)

Silverman:  Edwina Rogers!  What are you doing with him?

Rogers: Isn’t it obvious?  While we disagree on some issues, we both agree that the Constitution is a religious document.  Also, if a religious fanatic is elected President, atheists will donate more money to secular organizations, like my Secular Policy Institute.

Silverman:  That’s evil.  Why should we vote for you?

Rogers:  Because as president of the Senate, my first act will be to conduct Senate hearings about Freethought Blogs and Ed Brayton to investigate alleged violations of Section 21 of the Second Amendment, Section 30 of the Fourth Amendment, Section 80 of the Ninth Amendment, and the anti-blaspheme clause of the First Amendment.

Silverman:  What are you talking about.  None of those clauses exist.

Rogers:  Obviously you’re not Republican enough to understand, so let me try.  People like me are like intelligent black holes.  We bend reality at will to fulfill our desires.

Silverman:  That’s wrong.

Rogers:  That doesn’t matter.  What does matter is that you have a choice.  You can either have Ted Cruze interrogate you about your ties to PZ Myers, or you can accept my gift, wrapped in sheets of $100 bills and play ball.

Silverman:  Since you put it that way, I will shut up, accept your generous donation, and do what you tell me.  It would be for the greater good of the movement.

Rogers:  That’s better.  Oh, maybe I should add Rebecca Watson to the witness list.

Also in the Babbler:

Cubs owners deny selling their souls to the devil
Alien questioned following Bears’ upset victory
Roger Claar denies he will spend $1 billion during his reelection campaign
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/17/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.