Monday, September 15, 2014

Scotland: We’ll stay if you deport Richard Dawkins!

Note:  The following is a special report from our sister publication, The Manchester Mumbler.  All spellings have been Americanized.

Scottish officials are secretly saying they are willing to call off their independence vote if atheist leader Richard Dawkins is deported.

“They’ve put up with centuries of British domination, but Dawkins is the last straw.”  Said a source close to Downing Street.  “They say he is the symbol of all that is wrong with modern day godless Britain!”

Dawkins, a biologist, author of “The God Delusion,” and one of the “Four Horsemen of Atheism,” has a long history controversy, especially after making comments on Twitter.  He’s suggested that mothers should abort children with Downs Syndrome, teaching children religious beliefs is a form of child abuse, and women who are drunk are at fault if they are raped.

The unnamed Scottish officials say their citizens don’t want to be in the same country as Dawkins.  Right now, they claim, they only way they can be free of Dawkins is to declare independence.  If Dawkins were deported, however, the officials promised to call off the vote.

“The United States needs him more than the UK does!”  Said Paula Z. Dunworth, long time Scottish resident.  “He can fight for evolution there, then get drunk with his skeptical friends in Las Vegas!  We don’t need him here.”

Though tempted, it is unlikely that Prime Minister David Cameron will deport Dawkins.”

“He says things about Arab immigrants that no one in Parliament can say.  So he’s useful to us, even it means losing Scotland!”

When asked for comment, a spokesperson for Dawkins said he doubts that England was going to deport him.

In the background, a man yelled, “Richard!  For the love of the Queen, don’t post on Twitter!  You're ruining your legacy and embarrassing other atheists!”

A man who sounded like Dawkins replied, “If my tweets annoy the head of the Church of England, then I am compelled to tweet!  No god will save the Queen from the power of my logic and reason!”

The man screamed before apparently being dragged away.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Village of Bolingbrook breaking the Internet experts say

Is the Village of Bolingbrook breaking the Internet?  Several anonymous computer experts say yes, and blame the village’s IT department.

“If we don’t stop Village Hall right now, by Wednesday, web sites like Etsy, Foursquare, Vimeo, and WordPress will suffer from intolerable lag!”  Said one of the experts.

“It’s like someone has given The Village of Bolingbrook top priority over all other Internet traffic!”  Said another expert.  All other web sites are quickly being shafted.  By Wednesday, We could be looking at an Internet Slowdown!”

Syntax Error, a former hacker and current computer security consultant for the Village of Bolingbrook, claimed responsibility for the Village’s attempt to “break” the Internet.

“(Mayor Roger Claar) gave me the idea.  He walked into my office and asked if there were any nude pictures of him online.  I asked if he’d ever taken a nude picture of himself.  He said no.  I asked him if anyone had ever taken a picture of him nude.  He said no.  I asked if he ever stood by a window or door naked.  He said no.  Then I told him he would only have to worry about people posting fake nude photos of him online.  Man you should have seen his face.”

According to Syntax Error, Claar replied, “I want my last two years in office to be dignified!  Bonnie may be in Florida but she still has Internet access and bloggers who will blindly follow her.  She could hurt me by posting fake nudes, and by the time my lawyers filed a lawsuit, it would be too late.  I need you to pull every phony nude image of me from the Internet by Wednesday!”

Said Syntax Error, “I asked him if he could use his position as the most powerful GOP mayor in Illinois to give the village top priority over all other Internet traffic.  He made a phone call, and said it was done.”

Syntax Error says he means no harm slowing down the rest of the Internet.

“I want to show the world what would happen if we lose net neutrality.  Today, every voice has a chance to be heard on the Internet.  Everyone has the opportunity to become the next Drudge or Daily Kos.  If corporations can be allowed buy preferred access from Internet service providers, than ends.  Those who aren’t rich will be stuck with dial up level speeds, while corporations will enjoy fast broadband connections for the web pages.  We need to classify the Internet as a common carrier, just like phone calls are today.  Otherwise, The Internet will be like cable TV, and everyone else will be forced onto a public access channel.  Minority political views will be suppressed.  If we persuade the FCC to save net neutrality, The Daily Show web page will download in seconds, while The Unconventional Conservative site will take hours to download!  I don’t want that world.”

Syntax Error promised to return the Internet to normal on Thursday.

When reached for comment, Claar yelled, “I don’t have time for your questions.  There’s a major storm on the way!  Tell your readers to clear out their basements and get to high ground.  If you can’t get to high ground, have a boat or life vest nearby.  If you have to drive, stay away from Royce RD!”

Also in The Babbler:

Take shelter!
Governor Quinn denies investing Coach Ditka for voter fraud
Anti-psychic Kitty announces he has cancer

God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/12/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, September 1, 2014

Breaking news: Aliens at Clow UFO Base celebrate the removal of JREF president D J Grothe

"Grothetam2011" by Sciguy881 - Own work. Licensed under Public domain via Wikimedia Commons 
By Reporter X

Hundreds of aliens at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base celebrated DJ Grothe’s removal from the presidency of the James Randi Educational Foundation.

“I dealt with that man, and he was obnoxious!”  Said Quakdouk of the Drezka Corporation.  “You had to send him daily reminders to pay you.  Everyday he would lie and say that the funds were being transmitted as he spoke.  When you called him out for his incompetence, he would blame feminists, people who fight for social justice, and transgendered people for his problems.  Why wasn’t he incinerated sooner?”

From 1996 until 2012, the JREF was the skeptical movement’s official ambassador to the interstellar community.  The JREF lost their ambassador status in 2012 for failure to pay its membership dues to the Interstellar Alliance for the Advancement of Science.  Grothe denied failing to pay the membership dues, though he never provided proof of payment.

Initially, hundreds of aliens gathered along Clow’s ambassador row section to celebrate the removal of Grothe.  After security officials received reports of aliens defacing holograms of Grothe, and vomiting on photographs of him, Clow officials deployed their anti-riot police.

“Hey, we didn’t like DJ either.”  Sadi an anonymous source connect to Clow UFO Base.  “I think he has issues.  But that doesn’t justifying rioting!”

Officials at the Skepchick embassy helped defuse the situation by opening up their bars to the protesters and promising speeches from prominent skeptics.  

“We knew things could get out of hand, and it was the least we could do to help.”  Said Paula Breaker, spokesperson for Skepchick’s Clow Embassy.  “So we thought that bringing people inside, and giving them something to do, it would keep the tear gas from flooding the corridor.  We have anti-harassment policies and our own security to keep the peace.  Plus there are lots of fun things to do in the bar.  Opening our doors was the best decision for everyone involved.”

As promised, Skepchick founder Rebecca Watson addressed the crowd by teleconference.

“I can’t comment any further until I speak with (board member Steven Novella).  I can say that I am relieved that his inane personal tweets will no longer be backed up by a major skeptical organization!”

Former JREF Communications Director Carrie Poppy also address the crowd.

“I posted this on Twitter, and I will say the same thing to you guys.  Today we learned that slactivism can raise millions of dollars, and the only mission creep you should worry about is the creep running your organization!”

No arrests or instances of vandalism were reported following the celebration.

The JREF has not officially announced the reason for Grothe’s removal.  Sources with connections to the JREF claim that armed aliens from an interstellar bill collection agency entered their Los Angeles office and told DJ that the JREF still owed his clients interstellar credits.  Since the JREF no longer had any interstellar credits, Grothe offered them the software and servers for the JREF’s Forum, which they accepted.  Grothe then lied to the board about giving the servers to the aliens.  This, according the sources, prompted the board to fire him.

Other skeptics speculate that Grothe was released because the JREF’s revenue fell from $1.5 million in 2011 to $887,595 in 2013.

Grothe could not be reached for comment.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, August 25, 2014

Bolingbrook ISIS operative insists he’s a ‘nice guy’

Not all members of Islamic State (ISIS) decapitate journalists or force Christians to pay a religion tax, says an operative who lives in Bolingbrook.

Al Raider Mohammad, the name Toby preferred we use during the interview, accused the Western media of stereotyping ISIS members.

“I haven’t killed any journalists or invaded any cities.  Really, I’m a nice guy.  Why won’t the Western media give equal time to members like me?”

Mohammad claims to be part of the ISIS social media team.  According to him, his job is to take pictures around the Chicago area and post them on ISIS’s various social media accounts.

“My last picture is all over the Internet!”  Toby proudly boasted.  “There’s no way I could make that kind of impact at a PR agency.  I’m in the big leagues.  I’m so big, Internet trolls are afraid to go after me!”

Though many residents were frightened by Toby’s picture, he insists ISIS currently has no plans to attack the Chicago area.

“Sure 9/11 had great visuals, but that was an expensive operation to pull off.  You don’t get to be one of the richest Jihadist groups by spending money like crazy.  No, what we’re hoping to do is to use Social Media to generate the same level of fear in the US as 9/11 caused, but for a fraction of the cost.”

Once Americans are frightened, he expects the US to elect Republicans and impeach President Obama.

“Once the right people are in power, they might attack us at first, but then they’ll get bored, and start attacking our enemies.  Once they invade countries like Jordan and Iran, we’ll have them right where we want them.  The former citizens of those countries will hate the US occupiers, and will turn to the Islamic State for help.  We’ll get US forces bogged down in an endless series of guerrilla wars  and before you know it, we’ll own the hearts and minds of the Islamic World.  Then we’ll have a true, global Caliphate!  One that I helped create!”

Toby, who is of European decent, claims to be a recent convert to Islam.  A conversion that happened after he joined ISIS.  He says before joining ISIS, he was a nondenominational Christian.

“At the time, I thought we were a true christian nation, the Jews have their own nation, and the Hindu’s have their own nation.  Why can’t the Islamists have their own nation and not some random map drawn up by colonial imperialists?”

Toby learned that the more he learned about Islam, the more he liked it.

“I thought it was a totally different religion, but I was wrong.  Islam is the sequel to the New Testament!  It’s the “Iron Man 3” of Allah’s word.  Plus I didn’t realize how closely our beliefs matched!  We agree that women have too many rights in the West.  We agree that we should respect the divine, and we both hate Richard Dawkins.  Soon, I realized that I had to get on board and submit to Allah.”

Toby says he doesn’t know that the future holds for him, but he doubts that he will be called take up arms against America.

“I was going to sneak into Iraq, but then Mohammad appeared to me in a dream.  He said I should trust him, and stick to the online jihad.  Then he commanded me to never read blog posts by Hena and Haib!  I said I would.  I also said that I would make Bolingbrook police so frightened that they would buy tanks and always point their guns at the residents.  I still hope to keep that promise!”

After the interview, the NSA sent a text to this reporter saying they were "monitoring the situation in Bolingbrook.  We also like your taste in porn.”

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook to mine asteroids for water
CFI feline fellows complain about Chicago heat
Soviets threaten Chicago with more thunderstorms

God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/28/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Bolingbrook Mayor Claar to aliens: Stay out of Ferguson!

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar announced that aliens will not be allowed outside of Clow UFO base if they intend to travel to Ferguson, MO.  He said he made the decision after hearing about aliens trying to rent cars as a way to avoid the UFO no-fly zone imposed over Missouri and Southern Illinois.

“I know many of you want to help, and a few of you want to cause trouble.” Claar announced during a teleconference with Clow’s visitors and residents aliens.  “But there’s a reason Ferguson is off limits.  Our highways are already too crowded.  I also had to assure my friend Bob that you wouldn’t rent all of his cars.  It is still too dangerous for aliens to be searched by TSA agents.  Now I don’t need to offend any reptoids in the audience, but all it takes is one shapeshifter to turn a simple insurrection into a full blown war!  I won’t have it.  You cannot use my UFO base to get to Ferguson!”

Many aliens expressed their anger at Claar’s decision.

Said Lok Posok of the Trilock Union, “We want to help the residents of this artificial collection of buildings get the justice they deserve!  We want to help, and we want to do more than abduct teenagers and post on their Twitter accounts!  We want to go there!”

Dogok, who refused to provide more information, said that he hoped to supply weapons to Ferguson’s residents.

“Sure non-violence has its uses, but sometimes you need some good old fashioned firepower to get your peace and justice!  If your Tea party isn’t going to stand up against government aggression, then I should help out.”

Dogok added that he was unable to get his weapons to Ferguson.

“You can never find a good 53’ trailer and driver when you need one.”

Claar tried to reassure the aliens that their concerns were being addressed.

“The two skeptical ambassador organizations have heard your concerns.  Center for Inquiry’s Ron Lindsay released a statement without getting it cleared first.  Now let me tell you, he’s taking a big risk for you guys by shooting from the hip like that.  It’s a risk he’s willing to take because he shares your concerns.  Skepchick sent a representative to Ferguson last weekend.  I hope you’ll think that she walked on your behalf, because I’m not letting any of you near Ferguson if I can help it!”

Shortly after Claar’s speech, five aliens were arrested trying to fire rockets at the Ferguson Police command center.

Their lawyer, Solg, says his clients did nothing wrong.

“They wanted to participate in the human game of firing rockets at a superior military force.  They meant no harm.”

Claar also spoke with alien representatives and promised to present their concerns to the New World Order.

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook rejects gift of Battle Mecha
UFO accident cancels Air and Water Show
Skeptics question emotions

God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/22/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Aliens charged with kidnaping 8 Oberweis cows

By Reporter X

Security officers at Bolingbrook Clow UFO Base  arrested a UFO crew after discovering 8 missing cows in their craft.  The cows were from a farm that supplies milk to the Oberweis stores.

“In less than 24 hours, the cows went from being kidnapped to being recovered and safely returned to their farms.”  Said Paul Z. Likeman, spokesperson for Clow UFO Base.

Likeman claims that the crew kidnaped the cows with the intention of breeding them on their home planet.  The crew would then sell the cow’s milk on their home world, without paying a franchise fee to Oberweis Dairy.

According to an eyewitness who works in the Bolingbrook Oberweis, one of the accused aliens was a frequent customer.

“One day, she asked if our milk would be safe to drink after 10 years in storage.  I told her, probably not because our customers want fresh milk, fresh from the farm, fresh in your mail box, and fresh when you drink it!  We don’t prepare it to last years, or even months.  She said that was an unacceptable answer, and walked away.  I didn’t think much about it at the time, since we get all kinds of characters from Clow UFO Base.  All of them legal aliens, of course!”

Kogoo, the crew’s legal representative, said his clients weren’t guilty, and is prepared to defend them until their names are cleared, or until they can no longer pay his legal fees.

“All visitors collect bovine specimens when they visit Clow UFO Base.  My clients just happened to collect cows prized by Jim Oberweis, who is running for US Senate.  This perpetual Chicagoland politician is using his political connections with Mayor Roger Claar to steal the rightfully collected cows from my clients!”

Kogoo also announced that he had hired members of the Bolingbrook Skeptics to launch a social media campaign to pressure Clow officials to release.  A member of the group, who wore a hood to conceal his identity, explained his reason for defending the aliens.

“These aliens thought they were operating in a grey area of the law!  They were only caught because they worked with a biological smugger who is selling them out for a lesser sentence.  Even if the cows were ‘stolen’ it’s OK, because they belonged to a corporation.  We skeptics know it is no big deal to steal from a corporation.  It’s not like the farmers were harmed.  They can just breed new cows!  Anyway, the point is these aliens are just as innocent as Brian Dunning is!”

Oberweis was on the campaign trail, and could not be reached for comment.  Though a spokesperson did speak to this reporter anonymously.

“We will find a way to tie this to Sen. Dick Durbin!

Also in The Babbler:
Babbler moves to Mondays
UFO rides return to Bolingbrook Jubilee
Rest in Peace Robin Williams

God to spare Bolingbrook this week

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, August 4, 2014

Homeopaths prepare Bolingbrook for possible ebola outbreak

If the Ebola virus makes its way to Bolingbrook, local homeopaths will be ready.

“Residents are scared.”  Said Bolingbrook homeopath Sylvia.  “So I hope my products will give them a temporary sense of security.  When that runs out, they can always buy more!”

Homeopathy is a controversial alternative medicine practice created in the 19th Century.  Homeopaths create their treatments by first determining what how they want to affect the patient, and then finding a substance that normally has the opposite affect.  For example, if a homeopath wanted to create a sleeping aid, they would use caffeine.  The homeopath will then take a small portion of the substance, add distilled water, and then shake the water 10 times against an elastic surface.  Then the homeopath will take a small drop of that liquid, put it in a new bottle of distilled water, and repeat the process.  Most homeopaths will repeat the process about thirty times before giving the solution to their patients.  

“The more you distill it, the less likely you are to remain sick.”  Explained Sylvia.

Critics contend that homeopathic substances are so diluted, they no longer contain the original substance.  Skeptics contend that homeopathic products are just expensive placebos.  Supporters counter that homeopathy works because of quantum physics.

Says Bolingbrook Homeopath Doug Z. Parker, “I don’t care what the so-called scientific studies say, I can think of examples of my treatments working.  If they work for them, maybe they’ll work for you.”

Parker stresses the importance of Bolingbrook residents stocking up on his solutions.

“You’ve heard politicians saying that there are thousands of infected illegal aliens massing on our borders for Obama to give the signal to march into our country.  Do you trust big Pharma to protect you from Obama’s Ebola army?  Do you want your money going to Switzerland or do you want to support local organic businesses?  I think the choice is clear.”

Both homeopaths promise to sell their solutions for around $30 a bottle.  Parker also sells sugar pills that have been dipped in his solutions.

“You won’t believe how something so sweet can be so good for you in a crisis.”

An anonymous source inside Bolingbrook’s village hall, said that while the village support local businesses, residents shouldn’t panic over a possible Ebola outbreak just yet.

“Ebola has been confined to Africa since it was discovered in 1976.  Sure it is deadly, but only about 5,000 people have died from it.  Contrast that with malaria, which killed 660,000 people in 2010 alone.  There’s very little chance of it coming to Bolingbrook.”

When asked to comment, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar replied, “If you think you have Ebola, get to Adventist Hospital immediately!  That’s why we went to the trouble of building our own hospital!  If you know someone with Ebola, don’t touch their body fluids, wash your hands often, and get them to Adventist immediately!  Once they’re in an isolation unit, then you can give them a bottle of a homeopathic solution!”

Also in The Babbler:

Lost tribes offer Earth jews their own planet
Chicago officials fear rise of algae monster in Lake Michigan
Bloggers promises to lecture Chicago area skeptics about empathy

God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/8/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.