Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Drunk alien arrested at Bolingbrook Jubilee

An alien from an unidentified star system was arrested at the Bolingbrook Jubilee.  Men in Blue arrested the being after it tried to disrupt Jaycee’s Bingo Game.
An eyewitness described the scene.  “This alien was slurping down ice cream, and yelling.  It said Trump was the best human leader and that he would make bingo games great again.  It complained about the low payouts.  I wanted to say that a Trump bingo game would result in him taking all the money and leaving us with the boards.  I didn’t think that was wise because it could eat me.”

After ranting for about three minutes, Men in Blue calmly approached the being.  It stumbled at first, then peacefully accompanied the Men as they escorted it away from Village Hall.  As they left, an identified member of the Jaycees yelled that her father would make sure the alien was punished.

“We believe this alien was drunk on dairy products.”  said a source within the Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “Let me be clear that the majority of visitors are responsible attendees, and many said they enjoyed the rides and booths at this year’s Jubilee.”  The source refused to state what happened to the alien.

A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he could not be disturbed.  In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “I just had the worst nap!  I dreamt that Jeb Bush lost the Republican Primary.  Not only did I become a Trump delegate, I told NPR that I was an enthusiastic supporter!  What a dream!  Of course the reality is that Jeb Bush won, and he's about to blow out Bernie Sanders, right?”

Also in the Babbler:

Skeptics crack down on Internet posts critical of them
Bolingbrook’s only New Black Panther Party member resigns
Naperville threatens to build moat in case of Clinton victory
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/26/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Manchester Mumbler: Owen Smith to propose UK merger with the United States

Image from ITV.com

Facing a double digit deficit in the Labour Party Leadership Election, MP Owen Smith will propose reuniting the United Kingdom with the United States.

“Sometimes you have to do the unthinkable and try a Hail Mary kick from midfield.”  said an anonymous member of Smith’s shadowy cabinet.  “Brexit was once unthinkable and look how it turned out for the Conservative Party.  A British-United States reunion is just the unthinkable idea that will not only reunite Labour, but rally the country to our side.”

Under the proposed treaty, Great Britain would become the 51st state in the United States.  Britain would still use the Pound as currency, but it would worth exactly the same as the Dollar and no longer traded internationally.  “Kind of like how each US state has its own unique Quarter.  It would be purely cosmetic.”  The state of Britain would be not covered by the Bill of Rights for 100 years, and the US Congress would grant special permission for the Royal Family to keep their titles.  The US would also fund the NHS as part of Obamacare.  In return, the US would take over the UK’s military, and allow the Republican and Democratic Parties to run candidates in the former UK.  Both economies would be merged, as guided by a new Federal Reserve System.  All members of the Royal Family would have to be sterilized or forced to abdicate any claim to the throne.

The plan would be marketed as British-United States reunification, and would be promoted under the Twitter Hashtag #brus.  Labour would also buy double decker buses and paint them to look like the Union Jack and the Stars and Stripes were merging.  Painted on each side would be the words, “Get on the #brus!  Vote Labour!”

The anonymous source has high hopes for the #brus campaign.  “The conservatives are all about exiting and kicking people out.  Before you know it, everyone who doesn’t have a royal title is on the outs.  Labour is about bringing people together.  Not only British people, but people who used to be British.  Lets come together and get on the Brus!”

Members of the public who have heard of this plan have mixed reactions.

H, who asked that we only use her first initial, is excited.  “This means I won’t need a passport to visit haunted houses in the States.  Now I finally have a reason to support Owen besides hating Jermey Corbyn.”

Paulette, a member of the UK Independence Party, does not like the plan.  “I’m not a racist, but I feel that United States is an example of why immigrants should be banned around the world.  They started out as proper British subjects, and now look at them.  When they’re not shooting each other or voting for Barack Obama, they’re struggling to speak the same language.  They can keep their entertaining movies, music, and TV shows.  I’m sticking with the British tea and curry!”

When reached for comment, a man who answered the phone at Corbyn’s headquarters thought the idea was peculiar.  “It ultimately doesn’t matter what happens to Great Britain.  There will never be true unity until there is a true socialist revolution!”

“Robby!”  a woman in the background yelled.  “This isn’t the Socialist Workers Party.”

“Oops.  I meant Labour knows no borders.”

A spokesperson for Smith denied such a plan exists.  “We don’t need #brus because Rhys Morgan’s Twitter storms will turn the tide and lead us to victory!  With his help, we can defeat the communists and the Tories and return moderate Labour to its rightful place!  The Clintons are coming back, and so are we!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Hillary Clinton: The Bolingbrook Babbler exclusive interview

By Reporter X

Note: Reporter X was fortunate enough to secure an interview with Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton.  The full interview is in the print edition of the Babbler.  The following is an excerpt from that interview.

Reporter X:  Thank you for your time.

Clinton:  My advisors told me I had to do this, and, as you know, dealing with the press is a necessary evil for politicians.

Reporter X:  Okay.  Hopefully this will go better than you expect.

Clinton:  I doubt it.  First question.

Reporter X:  What will your interplanetary policy be, and how does it contrast with Donald Trump’s?

Clinton:  You know, I can’t tell if Donald wants to provoke a war with the Martian Colonies, or if he wants to have sex with every female on Venus.  My policy is simple and clear.  As the leader of the free world, I will do what ever the Martian Colonial government tells me to do, and make sure that every nation falls in line.

Reporter X:  Wow.

Clinton:  It has been the policy of every of every President since Truman.  Donald Trump’s Unprecedented and reckless comments about the Martian Colonies endanger all life on Earth.  You know, I don’t even think he knows the difference between a native Martian, and a Colonial Martian.

Reporter X:  Probably not.  Now in your long career, you’ve had the opportunity meet many aliens from across the Universe.  What has been your most profound conversation with an alien?

Clinton:  Well as you said, I’ve met with many aliens from around the Universe, and let me tell you, we have a very big Universe.  My science advisors say it is shaped like a doughnut and what is can see has a diameter of 93 billion light years and growing.  Now I’ve met many aliens as the First Lady, a senator, and Secretary of State, but who knows—

Reporter X:  You can’t think of one profound conversation you’ve had with an alien?  

Clinton:  Of course I can, but I know how the media works, and I especially know how the Bolingbrook Babbler works!  How many days and hours did your staff spend spying on my husband trying to prove he was having an affair with an alien?

Reporter X:  He was.

Clinton:  That’s beside the point.  Why weren’t you spending those hours uncovering the interstellar terrorists who are trying to undermine our vaccination efforts?  Their dangerous propaganda could lead to the death of millions!

Reporter X:  You don’t have to shout—

Clinton:  So your Mayor can shout, and Donald Trump can shout, but I can’t shout or move my hands?

Reporter X:  Point taken.

Clinton:  No!  The point is the media has been obsessing over every little rule we’ve bent, and trying to uncover every thing I choose to keep a secret.  Did you think I wanted the world to know that I lost money on a land deal?  Why did your colleagues have to keep digging into my family?  What do you think is more important?  Trying to prove beyond a doubt that Bill was unfaithful to me, or pointing out that a man who wants his followers to assassinate me is a major party’s nominee.  A nominee who has an estranged relationship with the truth and a death wish for humanity!  You know, even if people don’t like me, you cannot deny that I am overqualified to be President.  

Reporter X:  But—

Clinton:  But wait!  Even if the vast Right Wing conspiracy impeaches me, I would be succeeded by Tim Kaine, who is qualified to be President.  Even if they get rid of him, Speaker Paul Ryan is somewhat qualified to be President.  All of us are more qualified than Donald Trump.  If you vote for me, our country.  If you vote for Donald Trump, you could lose your life in a nuclear war!  I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be Blue than dead.

Reporter X:  You know, you could have mentioned your conversation with Queen Klpu from Xipu in the Andromeda Galaxy.

Clinton:  I could have mentioned that private conversation, but I feel better after venting.

Reporter X:  Let’s get back to Trump in a bit.  I have a lot of questions about him—

Clinton:  And I have many more talking points about him.

Reporter X:  Some former Bernie Sanders supporters say they are going to support Jill Sten instead of you.  How do you respond?

Clinton: (Laughs.)  I will just say this.  Most of his supporters are with me. Bernie Sanders is with me.  Jill Stein isn’t with me.  She’s with her top corporate supporters, AON, Xoom, IBM, Thoughtworks, and UPS.  She’s with people who believe in dangerous myths about vaccines.  She’s with Assad.  She’s with people who think wifi is dangerous.  I’m with you.

(Bill Clinton walks into the room.)

Bill:  Hillary!  The secret service is adding drones to our security detail.

Clinton:  You know, it’s just like @lolgop said.  Taxpayers pay for Donald Trump’s Secret Service protection, and they’re going to be paying more for my protection, thanks to his speech.  Yet, we still don’t know if Donald paid taxes this year.

Also in the Babbler:

Blogger from the Orbit ‘monitors’ Babbler’s web site
Aliens threaten to quarantine Earth if Trump wins
Bolingbrook High School bans aliens from playing football
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/12/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, July 25, 2016

Russian Special Operations Forces soldiers spotted canvassing for Trump in Bolingbrook

Did members of Russia’s Special Operations Forces canvas Bolingbrook on behalf of Donald Trump?  Several eyewitness believe so.

Jack, who asked that we not use his last name, claims that three men, wearing urban camouflage and speaking with Russian accents, visited.

According to him, after exchanging pleasantries, the leader go to the point.  “We are real Americans helping Donald Trump fight to make Great America.”  The men then each pulled out a ballistic knife.  “We trust that you will vote for Trump or stay home.  Right?”

Louis, an anonymous Trump supporter, also described a visit from the Russian soldiers.  According him, he opened the door and the leader spoke.  “You are strong strong Second Amendment supporter.  Here is your free AK-105 and free ammo.  Tune into UZB-76 for further instructions.  Remember to use your new rifle to point out Hillary supporters.”  Louis said the other two men laughed.

According to other witnesses, the soldiers tried to stage a protest.  They agree that one of the soldiers walked down Monroe RD, yelling, “All lives are black matter!”  The other two knocked on doors.  One of them allegedly said, “ Black matter scary.  Vote Trump!”

Patrons at Tailgaters say they saw the three soldiers sitting in a booth.  Many witnesses say one of them yelled, “USA!  USA!  We drink Vodka all the way!”  Another said, “After today, Donald Trump will be further in debt to us.  The payment will be huge!”  All three men laughed.

When finally confronted by the police in the parking lot, the men stalled until a Mil Mi-24 flew overhead.  The leader yelled that they should be let go, or else they would release Mayor Roger Claar’s e-mails.  Ropes dropped from the helicopter, and the soldiers grabbed them.  As they ascended to the sky, the leader yelled, “Make us make America Great again!”  The craft then flew away.

Claar, the Illinois National Guard, the Department of Defense, and the Clinton campaign had no comment.

Also in the Babbler:

Pro-Sanders aliens promise not to destroy Bolingbrook during the convention
Pro-Trump zombies spotted in Bolingbrook
Naperville considers building its own wall
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/30/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, July 18, 2016

Hillary Clinton cleared of wrongdoing at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

After an intensive three week investigation, Hillary Clinton was cleared of vandalism charges at Clow UFO Base.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar explained his decision to the interstellar media.  “As much as it will disappoint the Republican Party, I must conclude that Hillary Clinton no messier than any other VIP at Clow.”

Despite months of speculation and accusations by conservative UFOlogists, Claar said that it didn’t take his investigators long to get to the truth.  “We have cameras all over this base, and observers everywhere else.  Nothing gets by me here.  The truth is, unfortunately, that Ms. Clinton is innocent and her accusers, in this case, have an estranged relationship with reality.”

Claar did criticize Clinton for leaving towels on the floor and leaving her bed unmade every night.  “I guess I’m required to say that this is reckless somehow, so I’ll say it.”

Throughout the press conference, Claar stressed that he was a member of the First Party for Bolingbrook and never mentioned the Republican Party, though he is a member of the Illinois Republican Party.

“I believe in America first, and people who agree with me should be for Bolingbrook.”

Former President Bill Clinton rushed the stage, and pulled the microphone away from Claar.  “Thank you for exonerating my wife, I mean future President.  How much do I owe your campaign fund?”

Claar turned red, but kept his voice level as he took the mike back.  “How about you just pay for the damage you did during your last Presidential visit?”

“I thought we were over that.”


Zoie Boilt, alien correspondent for Info Wars Interstellar, was not impressed with the investigation.  “Roger should have kept going until he found something.  That’s what a true white blooded, I mean red blooded, Republican would do.”

Hillary Clinton refused to be interview for this article, but an intern did complain about all the investigations.  “This is the stupidest investigation yet.  The sad thing is, with Donald Trump running, the Republicans will be forced to initiate even dumber investigations to cover up how terrible he is.  That’s why I’m with her!”

Also in the Babbler:

Republican ghosts protest against Donald Trump in DuPage County
Sources:  Former Bolingbrook Mayor Ed Rosenthal to run again in 2017
Aliens conduct ‘Donald Trump evacuation’ drills in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/20/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Live Pokemon terrorizes Bolingbrook

A half dozen Bolingbrook residents claim to have seen a live Pokemon roaming around Bolingbrook.

Promotional image of a Pikachu
Doug, who asked that we not use his last name, may have been the first to see the creature.  “I was playing Pokemon Go, when I saw a Pikachu on my screen, but there was no Poke Ball icon.  I shook my phone, then started to give up.  When I lowered my phone, I saw a real life Pikachu staring at me.  When it said “Pikachu,” I knew it was I right.  You should have seen me run away.  Trust me, electric mice are scary in person!”

Bob, who refused to give his last name because he a Trump supporter, also claims to have seen the creature.  “It was standing right by my Trump sign.  I thought it was some foreign creature trying to eat my sign.  So I turned my garden hose towards it and sprayed water on it.  Wow!  Let me tell you, I’ve never received such a shock in my life!  The worst part happened after the thing left.  My African American neighbor said, ‘Hey Bob!  We look alike now.’  That made me so mad that I wanted to grab my gun and shoot it.  But then I realized it was probably better to wash up.”

Though the Bolingbrook Police department denied the presence of a Pokemon in Bolingbrook, many residents claimed to have several police cars patrolling their neighborhoods.

Joan, who refused to give her last name because “I’m too old for Pokemon” claims she saw a gathering of Nintendo employees and police officers at Jaycee Park.  “The Nintendo people said that Pikachus don’t like to be captured, can be convinced to join up with people.  They also explained that they were breeding real Pokemon for use in the next game.  I didn’t want to think about that.”

Joan, and other witnesses, say that the Pikachu was lured when the employees started playing rave music and then dancing to the music.  Children started dancing with the happy Pikachu, while the police backed away.

One employee allegedly told the Pikachu that they would take her back to Jen.  The Pikachu clapped and blurted out “Pikachu!”  He or she then followed the employees onto a tour bus.  The bus then started the long drive back to Redmond Washington.

When this reporter called Mayor Roger Claar’s office, the receptionist said he was busy talking to a Pokemon Go player.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “George, why am I not surprised to see you playing a kids’ game?”

Also in the Babbler:

Anti-Trump delegates to nominate Claar for Vice-president, says source
Bolingbrook communists refuse to endorse Clinton
Israel establishes settlement near Joliet
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/16/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, July 4, 2016

Web Exclusive: Five skeptics arrested at Bolingbrook Golf Club sit-in

Five skeptics were arrested this morning following sit-in at the Bolingbrook Golf Club. The protesters had hoped to disrupt the All American Celebration scheduled for today.

The protest was organized by the Bolingbrook Skeptics to call attention to what they believe is the “overwhelming presence of woo” in Bolingbrook.  Around 7 AM, 20 people gathered at one of the street entrances to the Golf Club.  Five of them sat down in an attempt to block access.

“We are here at this appropriate intersection to protest the imperialist provers of Woo who are imposing their stupidity upon Bolingbrook!”  One of the protesters yelled into a mega phone.  She then turned towards another protestor and asked, “Did I use the right social justice terms?”

Bolingbrook Skeptics said they would not leave until their demands were met.  The president of the group then presented a list of their demands to a Bolingbrook police officer:

  • A meeting with Mayor Roger Claar.
  • Ban the sale of all homeopathic products in Bolingbrook.
  • All psychics must be approved by the Bolingbrook Skeptics before they operate in Bolingbrook.
  • No more business licenses granted to chiropractors.
  • Three year jail sentences for practicing acupuncture in Bolingbrook
  • Revoke the business license in Bolingbrook that prints or posts on the Internet stories that promote believe in UFOs, Bigfoot, Ghosts, and other paranormal beliefs.
  • Revoke voting privileges for anyone cannot tell the difference between quantum physics and magic.
  • Require all residents to attend special speaking engagements, to be paid for by the village.
  • Quarantine all residents who refuse to be vaccinated.

Around 10 AM, a disheveled Claar walked up to the protesters.  He introduced himself and then shook the hands of each of the protesters, asking for their names.  

Claar then addressed them.  “Even though your protest woke me up, at an unreasonable hour, I have met one of your demands.  Now get out of here, or my police department arrest you.  And no, we’re not continuing this meeting while I’m taking my aspirin and Bloody Mary!”

Most of the protesters walked across the street, while five stayed behind.  Bolingbrook police officers promptly dragged them several feet to a police ban.  Most of the protesters chanted, “James Randi!  He’s OK!  He makes woo go away!”

One however, did have a complaint.  “This hurts!  I knew we should have taken that civil disobedience class before doing this!”

Though the skeptics failed to delay the opening of the All America Celebration, and no other media outlets covered the protest, Peter Zinn, spokesperson for the group, declared it a success.  “Today, we stood up and said that Woo is not welcome here.  We also showed the world what real activism is and what are true social justice causes.  Look at Black Lives Matter.  They staged a sit-in during the Toronto Pride Parade to protest racism.  Really?  Don’t they know that it’s impossible for Canadians to be racists?”

A friend then said, “You’re forgetting something.”

“That’s right.  PZ Myers sucks and this event proved it!”

The Bolingbrook Police Department and PZ Myers refused to comment.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.