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Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
Dozens of Bolingbrook residents have spotted Minnesota Talking Land Squids, according to the Department of Paranormal Affairs.
“Minnesota Talking Land Squids are normally not physically aggressive towards humans,” said Marcus Z. Anderson, spokesperson for the department. “However, they can be very passive aggressive.” Anderson warned that residents should not start a conversation with one and should instead keep their distance, and call the department.
Joan, who asked that we not use her last name, described an upsetting encounter with one.
“This monster stepped out from behind my neighbor’s house and approached me. It must have seen the Trump sticker on my baby carriage, because it said: ‘Nice sticker. Too bad you’re going to have to pay for the wall because it won’t protect you from childhood diseases. You’ll need some protection once Trump bans vaccines.’ I was going to hit it with my purse, but it sprayed me with black ink and ran away. Let me tell you! When America is great again, monsters like him won’t stand a chance!”
Jacob, who also asked that we not use his last name, claims he saw a monster outside the Family Square Restaurant.
“I thought I was seeing things when it popped out from behind my car. Then she said, ‘You’re lucky to live here. Your mayor tried to prevent a church from moving into a mall. Most mayors wouldn’t. Be proud.’ That made me so mad that I prayed to God to strike it down. When that didn’t happen, I tried to take picture of it. Why is it that you can never take a clear picture of a monster?”
Minnesota Talking Land Squids, first spotted in the early 2000s, are believed to have been genetically engineered by controversial biologist and outspoken atheist PZ Myers. Those who believe this theory are not sure if he created them so he could have cephalopod friends, or if he wanted to create an army to help him abolish religion. Most Minnesota Talking Land Squids freely roam western Minnesota, but some have been seen as far south as Springfield, MO.
When asked to comment, Myers replied, “You’ll understand after your staff meeting this week.”
Also in the Babbler:
Soviet windstorm fails to annihilate Bolingbrook
Aliens say good-bye to President Obama
Vally View refuses to approve Alt-right charter school
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/13/17
Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.
Saturday, December 31, 2016
Boy did our psychics get 2016 right. We predicted Russian interference in the US elections, a contentious Republican primary, Deadpool being one of the biggest grossing films of 2016, and we predicted that Donald Trump would win the election.
The remnants of the skeptical movement might point out that we weren’t defeated by Israel in 2016, and the Supreme Court did not rule the Presidential Election unconstitutional. True, but predicting the future the future isn’t an exact science. We know that goes against scienceism, but it is true.
We also offer the same disclaimer for our 2017 predictions. Unlike previous years, our psychics came out of their trances screaming in pain, and even more unsure of their visions. But through the power of crowdsourcing, we have high confidence in these predictions.
The Trump inauguration gets off to a rough start. While the USA Freedom Girls perform, a live shot of Trump’s private security force pointing guns at their manager will be broadcast over the Internet. Trump will also mumble during the oath of office, leading many liberals to wonder if he actually took the oath. Obama will also roll his eyes 100 times during the speech, inspiring many Internet memes.
Trump will also be photographed kissing Ivanka Trump on the lips, though he will later insist it was innocent, though, "I love my daughter more than I should."
Trump’s speech will mostly be forgettable, except for the last line, where he will order an invasion of Mexico, in retaliation for a shooting incident near the Mexican boarder. The media will be too busy broadcasting the bombings to ask if the incident really happened.
The race between Jackie Traynere and Mayor Roger Claar will be very close. Claar will attempt to distance himself from his past support of Trump. However, a mainstream journalist will overhear him talking on the phone.
“I risked my political future and destroyed my reputation as a moderate Republican by organizing a fundraiser and giving you over $7000 dollars. You owe me at least $7 million, but I’l take $1 million! Hello?”
Celebrities will die, but not as many as in 2016.
Vladimir Putin and Trump announce that they will no longer target their nuclear weapons at each other. Instead, they will target the rest of the world. The new doctrine will be called “World Control.”
“Vladimir has the best code names.” Trump will say. “I’m Colossus.”
“And I’m Guardian.”
Jay Cutler will be traded to the Green Bay Packers in exchange for Aaron Rogers. Cutler will lead the Packers to the playoffs, while the Bears will have another losing season.
“They thought they could ruin the Packers by making me the starting quarterback.” Cutler will say. “Maybe I wasn’t the problem! After all, I was the best QB in Bears’ history!”
Congress will keep Obamacare, but rename it Trumpcare. Anyone who get a subsidy to pay for insurance will have to wear a patch that says “Loser.” Trumps supporters will love Trumpcare.
After Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel insults Trump, Trump will send out a tweet storm. “We need to show Chicago that they don’t surround us. We surround them! Real Americans should block all the roads leading into Chicago. Nothing goes in our out until crybaby Rahm apologies.”
In response, truck drivers and rural citizens will set up armed blockades. The state and national government will not intervene. Canada will airlift food and supplies into Chicago.
“Trump’s blockade is inhumane.” Prime Minister Justin Trudeau will say. “But he does have a lot of expensive buildings around the world.”
At the end of the 2017, Trump will still be President and there will be no nuclear war. The West Coast states will be threatening to leave the United States. China’s navy will be in striking range of the United States. The biggest debate in Bolingbrook will be whether to stay in the United States, or join the rest of Chicagoland as it merges with Canada.
Monday, December 26, 2016
The Illuminati will now target the Skeptics Guide to the Universe podcast as part of its offensive against fact checking organizations.
Blue Standard Bearer Regina made the announcement during a meeting with Bolingbrook mayor Roger Claar.
“The SGU is ranked number 71 among iTunes podcasts. That is unacceptable, and needs to be remedied if we want the rest of humanity of live in a post-fact society.”
Following Facebook’s announcement combat fake news stories by using third party fact checkers, the Illuminati launched Operation Body Check. The Illuminati hopes to convince the majority of humans that “facts” are really talking points that the global elite uses against Donald Trump. and Vladimir Putin. They launched their campaign by planting an article in the Daily Mail against snopes.com.
“The beauty of that article is that we never accused them of posting false stories. All we had to do was mention that they employ sex workers and that their co-owner is going through a divorce. The rest of the media is now doing our job for us. Just look at how Forbes and Doubtful News are helping us take down Snopes. Even PZ Myers is mildly critical of Snopes now!”
Regina says they hope to “politicize” the SGU in the same manner. “Look at contributor Cara Santa Maria. We don’t have to attack her work at all. All we have to do is mention that she’s contributed to CNN, Current TV, The Young Turks, and the friends of ‘alt-truth’ will do the rest. We just have to be make sure that they don’t know she’s also made appearances on Fox News.”
Claar praised the campaign. “Thanks to the Illuminati, I can now campaign against the Illinois Republican establishment even though I’ve been a member of the establishment for 30 years.”
Dr. Steven Novella, leader of the SGU, defended all of the panelists, and the quality of the podcast. “It doesn’t matter what the Trump administration says. Facts are facts. All of us have different political opinions. Maria leans to the Left, but she supports vaccines because the facts support them.
Panelist Evan Bernstein added, “Hey, I dream of the day I can vote for a Republican candidate who believes in evolution, knows that climate change is a problem, and wants to give CEOs a tax break!”
Regina says the first anti-SGU articles should appear in early 2017.
Also in the Babbler:
Chicago police ticket Santa
Pro-Claar group to distribute flyers claiming that Bonnie is mayor
Psychic hospitalized after vision of 2017
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/29/16
Monday, December 19, 2016
Five Rochelle men were arrested and accused by the Ogle County Sheriff’s Department of plotting against Hanukkah Harry, the gift-giving elf of Hanukkah.
“Crime is crime.” Said an anonymous source within the Sheriff’s Department. “Even if it is against a member of a cabal that secretly runs the world. Don't give me that look! I’m just saying something politically incorrect. So that makes it OK!”
Hanukkah Harry is a Jewish elf who used to work for Santa Claus. On each night of Hanukkah, he visits poor Jewish families and gives gifts to the children that their parents could not afford. He flies around the world on a cart pulled by three flying donkeys.
Ogle County deputies, who asked not to be identified, said they raided the home of one of the suspects and discovered high powered rifles, laser pointers, and drones equipped with pipe bombs. The deputies believe the men were “planning something” for when Hanukkah Harry flew over Rochelle on his way to Rockford.
“Sure Christmas and Hanukkah are around the same time this year.” Said one of the deputies. “It’s normally Santa’s night, but I think trying to harm Hanukkah Harry would put anyone on Santa's naughty list.”
Sources say the plot was uncovered while one officer was reading an “Alt-right” Subreddit “HanukkahHarryMustDie.”
“I love the Alt-right forums.” Said one of the sources. “This Subreddit, however, went too far, and when I realized it was run by local folks. Well, unfortunately, I had to do something.”
Paul Z Biksacky, lawyer for the five suspects, says his clients are innocent and called the arrests part of a smear campaign. “The evidence will show that my clients are being framed by people who have connections to banks.”
One of the suspects was escorted by in handcuffs. He started shouting. “Hanukkah Harry doesn’t belong here. We’re part of the USA, now Jew S.A.! If you don’t write an unbiased story about me, I’ll flood your Twitter feed with flashing light videos and pictures of gas chambers. Donald Trump will vindicate me!”
After the suspect left, Kranst continued. “My clients are not bigots. They are just suffering from economic anxiety.”
Lydia, a member of Temple Beth-EL in Rockford, denied Hanukkah Harry’s existence. “We don’t need a Jewish Santa. We just need to stay true to our traditions, even they need to be reformed every so often.”
A young girl in the background yelled. “He is real and on Saturday, I’ll hear him call out. ‘On Moische! On Herschel On Schlomo! May all your candles burn long and bright! On each and every Hanukkah night!”
Also in the Rochelle Reader:
Russians divert Arctic air towards Illinois
More aliens move into Creston
New World Order agents spotted at Alfano’s
God to spare Rochelle on 12/23/16
Monday, December 12, 2016
The Illuminati announced Alex Jones as its winner of the 2016 Man of the Year award during a ceremony at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.
Mayor Roger Claar introduced Jones, who hosts the radio and internet show InfoWars. “For too many years, I was moderate Republican, and I thought I was happy. When I met Alex, he put me inside a special bubble. Once I was free from the chemtrails, fluoride, and lamestream media, I finally understood. My friends, Alex showed me that the Internet isn’t just a place where Bonnie can lie about me. It's also a place where great men like Alex steam videos and write non-liberal posts.”
Jones took the stage and accepted the award from Claar. After hugging Claar, he thanked the Illuminati.
“I tell my audience that there's a war for their minds. Illuminated brothers and sisters, we are winning that war.”
He then told the story of how he was recruited into the Illuminati, which involved many covert meetings in Austin, TX. Though he appreciated their protection from the New World Order, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to join. “They told me how the NWO broke off from our society, and wrecked havoc upon the world. They showed me their true evil plan: One world government, one economy, and all of humanity forced to live without liberty and in peace. (Expletive deleted) that! I want a world divided into as many countries as possible! I want a world where people I hate are forced to live as far away from me as possible. I also want a world were scientism is recognized as a form of Satanism!”
Jones also celebrated the Illuminati successfully making Donald the President of the United States. “The heart of liberty is chaos, and Donald Trump is an agent of chaos! I believe that he will bring a level of chaos and liberty the world hasn't seen Biblical times!”
During the speech, a reptoid help up a sign that ready, “Save your planet! Save yourselves!” Guards attacked the aliens, and dragged her away.
“Go away!” Jones yelled. “This is our world. You can’t tell us what to do! Once we melt the ice caps, and exterminate most life on Earth, the survivors will never again be oppress by big government, big business, and big civilization!”
Jones later noticed Beyonce in the audience and smiles. “I’m really sorry I have to say bad things about you on my radio program. That’s just to lure my audience into trusting me. We are on the same side, and you are my illuminated sister.”
Beyonce smiles and waved back.
Jones then lead the audience in a several minute chant of “Fnord” before leaving the stage.
Claar then retook the stage. “As long as we have Alex, the NWO doesn’t stand a chance!”
Also in the Babbler
Rob Sherman finally gets to debate God
Anti-Claar businesses fear Trump will tweet about them
Bolingbrook Skeptics celebrate holidays by decorating metal pole and griping
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/15/16
Monday, December 5, 2016
While the communists in the United States hate President-elect Donald Trump, a new study by a Bolingbrook think-tank says they are “woefully unprepared for the revolution.”
The study, conducted by the Bolingbrook Revolutionary Marxist Party, offers a brutal assessment of communism in The United States.
“There are at least 14 communist organizations in the US. None of them are even close to mounting an armed insurrection.” The report continues. “Communists can’t even start a revolution in the South Side of Chicago. The best they could do was have Sunsara Taylor speak at an even with an atheist blogger.”
The report rips into the groups strategies.
“US communist parties are only good at getting their banners at the front of marches they didn't organize, and splintering Their members spend more time trying to meet their newspaper sales quotas than trying to take over the country. None of the parties have the tactical skills and leadership to take on the most advanced army in the world. None of the parties work together. In the event of a national upheaval, they best some of them can do is contribute to the chaos. None can bring order to the country, let alone spearhead a global revolution.”
The report did have faint praise for one communist organization. “Back in the 1980s, Freedom Road Socialist Organization at least gave some thought to actually fighting a revolution, and were somewhat secretive about their plans. Today they have a wikipedia page, and they’re fighting over which faction should retain the name.”
The report recommends that all communist groups do all they can to stop cults of personalities from forming. “Let’s be honest. It didn’t work in the USSR. It lead to disaster in China, and it is not working in North Korea.”
The report also recommends two possible paths for the future. The first involves actively recruiting military veterans to gain the skills necessary to fight a revolution. The second path involves abandoning Marxism, and creating a “truly revolutionary blueprint for a new world.”
“While we were trying to lecture African Americans on Marx, they formed Black Lives Matter. While we were dictating Maoist ideas to Native Americans, they formed Standing Rock movement. Maybe instead trying to impose an ideology upon people of color, we should be learning from them instead.”
A spokesman for the Chicago-based Revolutionary Community Party, USA, blasted the report. “How dare this front group for Donald Trump attack Sunsara, the greatest liberator of women next to Bob Avakian! She inspires people to rise up and— Excuse me. I need to purify my thoughts before we can continue.”
A statistician, who insisted that we not use her real name, gave the report a mixed review. “OMG. This is just a collection of opinions. There are almost no numbers. Though I do agree with one of its points. Waiting for the revolution is like waiting for Jesus to return.”
Also in the Babbler:
Trump to recognize Bolingbrook as the “real Chicago”
Aliens boycott Clow UFO Base over Mayor Claar support for Trump
Bolingbrook High School student considered for Department of Labor post
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/9/16
Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.