Sunday, April 20, 2014

Bolingbrook man threatens to sue for the right to have a concealed nuclear bomb

Bolingbrook resident Josh Z. Webb is threatening to sue for the right to carry a concealed nuclear bomb.

“There are no exceptions in the Second Amendment!”  Said Webb.  “That means I have a right to carry a nuclear weapon, and the state has to provide me with the proper training so I can obtain a conceal carry license.

Webb says that his problems began shortly after he found an ad for a suitcase nuclear bomb on Craigslist.

Said Webb, “I thought at the time it would be a great buy.  No one would threaten me if carried one of these!  I would be safe!”

According to Webb, he asked the buyer to hold the bomb for him because he needed to obtain a conceal carry license.  After talking to some local instructors, he realized they were only trained to teach the proper handling of guns.

“They didn’t even offer classes on improvised explosive devices!  Come on!  Guns aren’t the only form of arms!”

Webb then wrote a letter to State Representative Emily McAsey asking the state to find an instructor to train him in the proper use of a concealed nuclear weapon.  He expected a prompt response with name of a trainer.

Instead, the ad disappeared and agents from the Department of Homeland Security interrogated him for several hours.  No charges were filed against Webb, but he was told that they had a one-way ticket to Guantanamo Bay that they could give him at any time.

Webb then claims he sent an e-mail to Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar asking for his help.  Claar, according to Webb, replied that nuclear weapons are not allowed in Bolingbrook, and that the United States Government’s treaty obligations limit the number of nuclear weapons in the US.  Enforced treaties, Claar allegedly added, have just as much weight as the Constitution.

“He said he would report me for treason if I brought a nuclear weapon into Bolingbrook.   That’s crazy!  Nothing overrides the Second Amendment!  Not even another amendment.  The Internet says so!”

Webb says the he’s searching the Internet for a lawyer that will take his case, but he hopes that an agreement can be reached that will allow him to bring a nuclear weapon into Bolingbrook.

He also concedes that using the weapon would destroy Bolingbrook, and expose millions of Chicagoland residents to lethal doses of radiation.  

“Because it’s so powerful, no one will attack me.  No one will attack any resident who has a nuclear weapon.  Bolingbrook will become the most peaceful village in the world!  Peace through the atom! Peace in our time!”

When asked to comment, Mayor Claar replied, “It’s Easter!  I’m trying to celebrate the resurrection of our Lord.  Don’t bother me!  Why don’t you support a worthy cause today?  I heard about this woman who is trying to raise money for research into Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.  Why don’t you help her out instead of bothering me?”

Also in The Babbler:

Editorial: Why are skeptics so mean and stupid?
American Atheists fail to destroy Mormonism
Christ spotted in Wheaton

God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/24/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Chupacabra files defamation lawsuit against skeptic Ben Radford

Lawyers claiming to represent Chupacabra filed a $2 million dollar defamation lawsuit against famed skeptic Ben Radford in Chicago court this week.

“For years, my client’s existence has been brutally denied by Ben Radford’s so-called investigations.”  said Ronald Z Patterson, the lead lawyer representing Chupacabra.  “If we could charge Ben with a hate crime we would, because he’s that evil!”

Chupacabra, according to cryptozoologists, is a blood sucking creature that travels throughout the Caribbean, Central America, and Southern United States feeding off of the blood of livestock.  There have been numerous sightings of the creature since 1995.

Skeptics claim that Chupacabra sightings and photos are really various canines suffering from mange.  In Radford’s book, “Tracking the Chupacabra,” Radford notes that Chupacabra resembles Sil from the 1995 movie Species.  In his interview with the first eyewitness, Madelyne Tolentino, she stated that she had seen the movie and believed that a similar experiment had taken place in Puerto Rico and, as in the film, the creature escaped from a laboratory.

In the lawsuit, Chupacabra claims Radford and she had a five year relationship.  During the relationship, the lawsuit alleges that Radford promised to confirm her existence and make her famous.  He allegedly promised her a regular column in The Skeptical Inquirer, an annual speaking engagement at TAM, and her own livestock ranch so, “she would never have to hunt again.”

According to the lawsuit, the relationship ended when Radford proposed an “open marriage” with Chupacabra.  When she refused, Radford threatened to debunk her unless she agreed to the terms of their marriage.

Radford allegedly said, “Right now, I am the only man who can love you!  If you turn me away, I will debunk you so hard that no man will ever love you again.  Do you really want to die alone, knowing that you rejected the only man who could love a blood sucking monster like you?”

Chupacabra refused his proposal, and, according to the lawsuit, wrote “Tracking the Chupacabra” and proceeded to, “build a career out of denying the existence of my client.”

Patterson say he will produce hundreds of selfies taken by Chupacabra that allegedly document “an intimate relationship” between the two.

“Although the man in the photographs is covering his face,” said Patterson, “we are confident that our photo experts can undeniably prove that the man is in photos is in fact Ben Radford.”  He also promised to produce “intimate” videos of Radford and Chupacabra.

Patterson also produced an unsigned letter allegedly written by Radford, in which he confessed to defaming Chupacabra.

Part of the letter reads, “When my former lover Chupacabra refused my marriage proposal, I became very angry, and decided to debunk her.  When people still believed in her existence, I became angrier, and doubled my efforts to debunk her.  I now see the error of my ways.  Chupacabra is real, and I have acted like a selfish bully towards her!  My behavior towards Chupacabra makes me unworthy of speaking at TAM, which is saying a lot!”

Patterson added that when Radford refused to sign the letter and post it on the Internet, he had no choice but to proceed with the lawsuit.

Radford could not be reached for comment, but a person who claimed to be his spokesperson said, “we are prepared to destroy anyone who doesn’t describe Ben as a brilliant skeptic and one the brightest candles against the darkness of woo!”

Chupacabra could not be reached for comment.

Also in The Babbler:

Soviets to follow thunderstorm attack with snowstorm attack
Bolingbrook rejects reality show based at Clow UFO Base
Bionic Animals terrorize Naperville

God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/17/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Happy anniversary webmaster!

Babbler Editor Sara Langston
By Sara Langston
Editor of The Bolingbrook Babbler.

One year ago today, our webmaster married the love of his life.  So we’re giving him the day off.  He’ll be back next week, but in the meantime, I hope you will join us in wishing his wife and him a happy anniversary!  

Also in The Babbler:

11000 psychics protest Chicago Skepticamp
Sen. Mark Kirk:  What is a conflict of interest?
College of Curiosity unveils hand powered boiler!

God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/9/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Obama will not expose the truth about aliens, says Biden

By Reporter X

While visiting Clow UFO Base, Vice President Joe Biden denied charges that President Barrack Obama will expose the aliens’ presence on Earth.

“Our administration fully respects our treaty obligations to the Interstellar community as well as our subservience to the New World Order.”  Said Biden.  “We will work with the Interstellar Alliance for the Advancement of Science once they determine that humanity is ready to learn the truth about aliens.”

Responding to conservative activist Jim Garrow’s charge that Obama will make a public announcement at Area 51, Biden laughed.  

“It’s like that man went to a Tea Party web site, and a UFO web site, and randomly picked words out to attack the President.  I wonder if he’s a real person or an actor covering for a Koch brothers computer program?”

Biden also praised Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar and the staff of Clow for their cleanup efforts following the abductee uprising earlier this month.

“Roger, unlike your Republican colleagues in Congress, you actually get things done.  You’re helping us meet our goal of getting all US UFO bases back online by May 1.  Thank you.”

“I’d say, ‘You’re welcome,’ but I don’t want to get in trouble with the state party.”  Claar replied.

Biden also announced that he would be touring Bolingbrook in disguise, “to see what residents really think of our administration.”  Sources say that includes a trip to The Promenade where he will covertly dine at an undisclosed restaurant. 

“I should stop by here more often.”  Biden said.

“Have your boss make a public appearance here too.”  Claar replied.  “I can show him how much our village has changed since Ronald Reagan visited Bolingbrook.

Biden also met with Chicago officials at Clow.  Though he would not comment on the content of those talks, sources did confirm they were about Chicago’s proposed UFO Base that could rival Clow in size.

Area 51 will be Biden’s next stop on his tour of American UFO bases.  He has promised to meet with extraterrestrial delegates who claim the base has an unusually high death rate.  Biden denies that Area 51 officials are murdering aliens visitors so they can perform autopsies. 

Also in The Babbler:

El Chupacabra: Ben Radford was my lover!
Ventra AI denies responsibility for Blue Line derailment
Soviets threaten “Red Summer” unless Bolingbrook surrenders
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/2/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Exclusive: Russia threatens to ‘liberate’ Chicago’s Ukrainian Village

Will Russian MiGs fly over Chicago's Ukrainian Village? (Based on photo by David Hilowitz.)

Highly ranked sources say that Russia plans to follow it’s annexation of Crimea by annexing Chicago’s Ukrainian Village neighborhood.

“We’re concerned for the safety of residents who have any Russian blood in them, no matter how small.”  Said a source within Chicago’s Russian Consulate.  “We have a new saying in Russia.  ‘Wherever a Russian steps is Russian territory!’”

According to various sources, The Russian Government plans to hire Tea Party affiliated militias to “secure” the streets leading into the neighborhood.  

One militia member, who asked not to be identified, says his “army” is ready.

“What’s not to like?  We get to make Obama look bad, exercise our Second Amendment rights against the Chicago Police Department, and get in gold!  Of course, we could change our minds if, oh say, our liberal Congress would grow a pair and impeach Obama!”

Once the streets are secured, Russian President Vladimir Putin will declare the neighborhood “disputed territory.”  Putin will then send in Russian paratroopers to “ease tensions,” then ask the UN Security Counsel for permission to declare the rest of Chicago a “demilitarized zone.”  After the US vetoes the resolution, the Russian Consulate will hold sponsor an election to let Ukrainian Village residents decide their fate and "bring peace to the neighborhood."  The sources say that residents will choose to either join Russia now, or join Russia later.

Said one highly placed source, “Some people think democracy mean giving people a right choice and a wrong choice.  It’s not!  Democracy means demonstrating to the world how strong our leaders are!  You don’t show strength by letting spoiled citizens throw temper tantrums because they don’t like certain laws.  You punish them like a good father should!”

As to why Russia would risk nuclear war to annex part of Chicago, the sources doubt the US Government would go to war.

“Everyone who loves toughness loves Vladimir!  Even your Republican Party cannot hide their love him when he takes off his shirt!  Your Congress would stop your President from blowing up the world over a few acres of land in Chicago.  Let’s be honest, Congress would make Vladimir Prime Minister of the United States if they could get away with it!”

Attempts to reach President Obama never got past the White House Switchboard.  

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel, however, was more forth coming.

“You (Expletive Deleted) Bolingbrook people are so clueless.  There’s no (Expletive Deleted) way anyone is going to be attacking Chicago.  Let me explain.  First, no matter which party takes the governor’s office, I will still have him under my finger!  Second, I still have pull with the Obama administration.  Third, thanks to CNN, I’m a bigger reality TV star than Rod Blagojevich ever was!  Fourth, I have the full support of Chicago’s 1 percent!  Fifth, no one is (Expletive Deleted) (Expletive Deleted) (Expletive Deleted) enough to try to take a piece of Chicago from me!  Most people get (Expletive Deleted) by the Chicago City Council.  I (Expletive Deleted) (Expletive Deleted) their (Expletive Deleted) (Expletive Deleted) every day!  Finally, if Putin is stupid enough to (Expletive Deleted) with me, the new sanctions will (Expletive Deleted) over his economy.  He won’t be able to afford to (Expletive Deleted) with me or my President!  In a few months, the Russian people will be annexing the Kremlin from him!  With a little assistance, if you know what I mean!”

A spokesperson for the Russian Embassy in Washington denied that Russia has a consulate in Illinois.

“I urge the American people to reject the propaganda from your corporate media, and embrace the more reliable!”

Also in The Babbler:

Claar denies forcing H2O clients to help repair Clow UFO Base
Lost Tribes vow to still vist Chicago for Passover
Soviets taunt Chicago with another snow attack

God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/26/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

American Atheists President David Silverman denied access to Clow UFO Base

David Silverman, president of American Atheists (Image from the Friendly Atheist blog.)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs denied David Silverman, president of American Atheists, access to Clow UFO Base.

Said an anonymous source, “He isn’t even listed as a level one skeptic.  At the very least, he would need to be a level two skeptic and be sponsored by either Skepchick or The Committee for Skeptical Inquiry.  I don’t see that happening any time soon.”

According to sources in the department, Silverman sent an unsecured e-mail to Village Hall demanding access to Clow UFO Base.  Silverman said he wanted to have pictures of himself taken removing debris and helping Clow recover from the recent abductee uprising.

“As the representative of the 20 percent of Americans who do not believe in God, I should be granted access Clow UFO Base to help with the cleanup efforts!  While religious people are wasting their time praying for Clow to be cleaned up, I will symbolically represent the atheists who are doing the actual work!”

The department sent Silverman an standard form denying that Clow Airport houses a UFO base, and extended an invitation to Silverman to visit “The real Bolingbrook.”

Silverman replied that he wasn’t fooled because he reads The Bolingbrook Babbler.  

“There is more evidence for the existence of Clow UFO Base than there is for God!”  Silverman wrote back.

Silverman also offered to help defuse any potential “legal issues” that could be associated with the clean up.

“I can help find cross bars that now resemble religious crosses.  You know that displaying crosses on public property is government property is a crime.  We’re enforcing the law at the 9/11 Memorial, and we can help prevent a similar situation at Clow.”

After the department sent a second form letter to Silverman, he replied, “You know we could search all of Bolingbrook’s government property for religious symbols or religious organizations renting government facilities.   Wouldn’t be better to just let me access your UFO Base?”

This prompted Mayor Roger Claar to write back to Silverman.  Claar denied that Clow UFO Base exists, and that he wasn’t going to waste his time with Silverman.  “If Clow UFO Bases exists, and it doesn’t, I would instruct my Men in Blue to arrest you if you came within a 5 miles of the base.  Then I would instruct them to brainwash you into becoming a devout Pope loving Catholic!  You obviously have confused Bolingbrook for a Fox News studio!  If you want controversy, why don’t you visit Kol Hadash Humanistic Congregation, and tell Rabbi Chalom to his face that he’s not Jewish!  Now leave my village alone!”

A source within American Atheists says that Silverman never intended to get inside Clow UFO Base.  Instead, he was “trying to build his credibility” before attending The StarworksUSA 2014 UFO Symposium in Chicago from May 2 to May 4.

“Most people assume that atheist means being a so-called skeptic.”  Said the source.  “David knows that there are secular reasons to believe in UFOs, and we want to let atheist UFO believers know that you are not alone.  American Atheists is behind your fight to expose the truth!  We represent all atheists, skeptic and non-skeptic alike!”

David Muscato, Public Relations Director for American Atheists, denied that Siliverman had any contact with The Village of Bolingbrook, or will be attending StarworksUSA’s symposium.  

“We’re still in damage control over David’s comment about there being secular arguments against abortion.  We’re not going to be offending the skeptical leadership anytime soon.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Siliverman said, “Why are you attacking me?  We’re all atheists here.  Don’t you realize that there are forces out there that want to create a theocracy that will ban abortion for non-secular reasons.  We need to come together!  I run the only organization that can bring all atheists together.  You’re not helping with your blog posts.  If you want to save the world from religion, your followers and you should just shut up and give us your money!  Hello?”

Also in The Babbler:

New World Order: We know what happened to Flight MH370 and we’re not telling!
Pothole monsters strike Bolingbrook
Mayor Claar tells Tribune reporter: The village trusts me and you should too!

God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/18/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Abductee uprising! A Bolingbrook Babbler special report.

Two UFOs dogfight over Clow UFO Base.

By Reporter X

What started as a surprise attack inside a UFO hanger turned into the bloodiest conflict at Clow UFO Base since the Bolingbrook Time War.  After a week of fighting, sources estimate the total casualties at over 2900.  Damages to Clow UFO Base are expected to be in the trillions of dollars.

The attack on Clow was part of a larger surprise attack against all of the New World Order’s global UFO bases, and against UFO bases on planets with civilizations that have not been brought into the interstellar community.  Total causalities on Earth could reach as high as 100,000, and damages could exceed all nations’ combined net worth.

Bolingbrook’s mayor Roger Claar praised the NWO and Clow security forces.

“These brave men and women fought to preserve Bolingbrook’s freedom and the right of every resident to have a gateway to the stars in their community.

Claar also urged all residents to fly the Bolingbrook Flag in honor of those who died liberating Clow from the invaders.

The invaders claimed they were an army of former and liberated UFO abductees from around the galaxy.  Armed by “advanced civilizations sympathetic to our cause,” they said their interstellar upraising was their attempt to “liberate indigenous civilization from the exploitation from imperialistic interstellar civilization.”  They specifically called for an end to experimentation on the citizens of uninitiated civilizations and for all civilizations to be made aware of the existence of the interstellar community.

Malcom Z. Jamison, leader of the forces attacking Clow, said that Bolingbrook’s leaders were especially culpable because Bolingbrook regulates alien abductions.

“I was abducted several times before I turned 18, and I blame Roger!  While I was being probed, his family was enjoying special immunity from the humiliating acts.  Roger is a war criminal!”

Jamison also accused Earth’s skeptical movement of committing crimes against humanity. 

“They pretend to be superior thinkers, but just as they cover up predators among their ranks, they also cover up the predators from the stars who violate our bodily autonomy!”

The first attack on Clow, began the night of March 1, as troops hiding in a cargo shop stormed out of this ship.  Aided by the Anonymous Collective, they managed to secure the landing bays, and shut down Clow’s air and space defenses.  This allowed reinforcements to land and take over more of Clow.  

At the peak of the invasion, the alleged former abductees controlled over 50 percent of Clow, and besieged the Skepchick and Committee for Skeptical Inquiry’s consulates.  

Said Skepchick official Donna, “We kept our spirits up by playing Cards against Humanity.  It was better than worrying what would happen if our force field failed.” Donna also added 

The CSI’s consulate was breached when one of their negotiators ordered the force field lowered.

Said an anonymous CSI official.  “One of the negotiators thought if bashed Skepchick enough, the invaders would like us, and become CSI members.  It didn’t work out that way.  It was a good thing the New World Order troops arrived when they did, otherwise we’d be facing a kangaroo court.  I think we learned that an army thinks we’re a bunch of war criminals, bashing Rebecca Watson is not the way to defuse the situation.”

Once the NWO’s space force was able to prevent the invader’s UFOs from entering the solar system, Clow security forces, with the help of the NWO’s army, were able to launch a days long campaign to retake Clow.  The abductee invaders were finally invaded after H.A.A.R.P. fired several beams at Clow.  According to eyewitnesses, the last surviving invader yelled that they could take his life, but the world would know the truth by reading The Daily Grail web site.  The fighter then charged the security forces and was killed.

NWO liaison to Clow Jeff Wagg was held by the invaders as a POW, and released unharmed.

“Well they didn’t let me starve or die of thirst.  So in that sense they treated me well.  However, I was a prisoner of war, so it wasn’t a pleasant experience.”

Clow and NWO officials expect Clow UFO Base to be operational again in May.  Clow Airport was unaffected by the fighting and will remain open.

For more stories about the Interstellar Abductee Uprising, including accounts from Area 51, and more of the Interview with Jamison, pickup the print edition of The Babbler at any Bolingbrook Newsstand.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.