Monday, December 5, 2016

Report: US communists ‘woefully unprepared for the revolution’

While the communists in the United States hate President-elect Donald Trump, a new study by a Bolingbrook think-tank says they are “woefully unprepared for the revolution.”
The study, conducted by the Bolingbrook Revolutionary Marxist Party, offers a brutal assessment of communism in The United States.

“There are at least 14 communist organizations in the US. None of them are even close to mounting an armed insurrection.”  The report continues.  “Communists can’t even start a revolution in the South Side of Chicago. The best they could do was have Sunsara Taylor speak at an even with an atheist blogger.”

The report rips into the groups strategies.

“US communist parties are only good at getting their banners at the front of marches they didn't organize, and splintering  Their members spend more time trying to meet their newspaper sales quotas than trying to take over the country.  None of the parties have the tactical skills and leadership to take on the most advanced army in the world.  None of the parties work together.  In the event of a national upheaval, they best some of them can do is contribute to the chaos.  None can bring order to the country, let alone spearhead a global revolution.”

The report did have faint praise for one communist organization.  “Back in the 1980s, Freedom Road Socialist Organization at least gave some thought to actually fighting a revolution, and were somewhat secretive about their plans.  Today they have a wikipedia page, and they’re fighting over which faction should retain the name.”

The report recommends that all communist groups do all they can to stop cults of personalities from forming.  “Let’s be honest.  It didn’t work in the USSR.  It lead to disaster in China, and it is not working in North Korea.”

The report also recommends two possible paths for the future.  The first involves actively recruiting military veterans to gain the skills necessary to fight a revolution.  The second path involves abandoning Marxism, and creating a “truly revolutionary blueprint for a new world.”

“While we were trying to lecture African Americans on Marx, they formed Black Lives Matter.  While we were dictating Maoist ideas to Native Americans, they formed Standing Rock movement.  Maybe instead trying to impose an ideology upon people of color, we should be learning from them instead.”

A spokesman for the Chicago-based Revolutionary Community Party, USA, blasted the report.  “How dare this front group for Donald Trump attack Sunsara, the greatest liberator of women next to Bob Avakian!  She inspires people to rise up and— Excuse me.  I need to purify my thoughts before we can continue.”

A statistician, who insisted that we not use her real name, gave the report a mixed review.  “OMG.  This is just a collection of opinions.  There are almost no numbers.  Though I do agree with one of its points.  Waiting for the revolution is like waiting for Jesus to return.”

Also in the Babbler:

Trump to recognize Bolingbrook as the “real Chicago”
Aliens boycott Clow UFO Base over Mayor Claar support for Trump
Bolingbrook High School student considered for Department of Labor post
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/9/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, November 28, 2016

New World Order recruits Jackie Traynere to run against Mayor Claar

Image from http://jackietraynere.com
By Reporter X

Sources confirm that the New World Order recruited Will County Board member Jackie Traynere to run against Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  The NWO hopes she can defeat defeat Claar, who defected to the Illuminati following President Elect Donald Trump’s victory earlier this month.

Traynere, according to sources who have relatives who work for the county, was initially reluctant to run against Claar.  She explained that she had just been reelected to the board.  

NWO administrator Jordon Z. Blankenship, said he explained to her what was at stake in the April 2017 election.  “Not only is this the last chance for the NWO to peacefully retake Clow UFO Base, this is also a proxy vote for the fate of the human race.  Do Bolingbrook residents want to follow Roger down the Illuminati’s path of global kakistocracy, or do they want to return to  the New World Order’s path of global harmony that has enriched Bolingbrook over the decades.  Their vote will decide how the NWO should proceed.”

Traynere, according to the sources, accepted their offer, and agreed to join the new Bolingbrook United party.  In return, the NWO promised to appoint Sen. Bernie Sanders to modify the NWO’s global agenda.

She allegedly said, “We need new new order that works for everyone, not just the .00001 percent.  If you do that, then I will proudly take down Roger for you!”

Blankenship says he is excited about the Bolingbrook United party’s chances.  “Unlike Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook, we’ve put together the best slate of candidates to destroy, I mean defeat Roger.  Bolingbrook has a choice: Embrace competent and compassionate government, or vote for the cruel mysticism of the Illuminati!” 

Despite the backing of the NWO and Bolingbrook United, many experts believe the mayoral race will be a close one.  “Yes, the NWO has a lot of resources, and many residents didn’t vote for Trump.”   said one expert who asked not to be identified.  “Keep in mind that the Illuminati will be pouring their considerable resources into the race, and I suspect that the Russians will want to help Roger as well.  So I wouldn’t be surprised if Russian fake news sites focused on Bolingbrook go online over the next few months.  This could be the like the Presidential Election all over again.”  She added, “Don’t be surprised if your conservative neighbors tell you that her cleaning company uses Dihydrogen Monoxide and the ‘lamestream media’ won’t tell you.”

A spokesperson for Bolingbrook Untied denied that the party has any ties to the NWO.  “We are a diverse party that represents the diversity of Bolingbrook.” she said.

When called, Claar answered the phone and said, “I will be the unanimous choice of all the legal voters.  Welcome to the Trump United States of America.  Ford!  Don’t laugh.  The ’n’ is silent!”

Also in the Babbler:

Valley View upholds ban on aliens athletes 
CFI’s feline fellows comfort distraught atheists
Trump denies then admits to knowing Mayor Claar 
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/2/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, November 21, 2016

Illinois’ UFO Bases refuse to submit to Mayor Claar

By Reporter X

All of Illinois’s UFO Bases, except Clow UFO Base, rejected Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar authority as the Illuminati’s Grandmaster of Illinois UFO Bases.  Instead, those bases will remain loyal to the New World Order. 

Until last weekend, all of Earth’s UFO Bases were run by the New World Order.  Following the Presidential election victory of Donald Trump, the Illuminati attempted to seize control of all of Earth’s UFO Bases, either by force, or by “persuading” administrators to join them.  The New World Order now controls half of Earth’s bases.  In Illinois, only Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base defected.

Revord X, administrator of Hub 35, located near, Rochelle, IL, transmitted a statement to Claar during his anointment ceremony. “As much as I like Roger, he is now a pawn of Donald Trump, and of the Illuminati.  Roger may align himself with Steve Bannon and the white supremacist movement, but we will not!”

Thomas Xavier, NWO Administrator for Illinois, sent a statement on behalf of the other bases.  “Under NWO’s administration, relations with the Milky Way have never been better, the flow of technology from our visitors into the economy has never been smoother, and we are less risk for being drawn into an interstellar war than ever.  We will not go back to phony mysticism and inefficient ways of the Illuminati.  We will stay with best order.”

Xavier then added a warning from the NWO.  “You think you have gained power, but you have only sealed your village’s fate.  If you want to save your village, turn yourself in now!  It is almost too late.”

Claar, at the end of his anointment ceremony, issued his own warning.  “I endorsed Donald Trump when the snowflake Republicans wouldn’t and I raised money for him.  When I go to the Inauguration in January, not only will he give me all of Chicago’s federal money, He will grant me any favor I want.  Unless you want your bases turned to radioactive rubble, you will submit to me and to the Illuminati.  Ford!  Don’t interrupt me!”

When reached for comment, a reception for the President-elect said he was busy, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trump said, “Bill, you think a presidential motorcade every weekend is inconvenient to the residents of New York City?  How about a Russian annexation?  How’s that for inconvenient?  Bill, you don’t talk to me that way.  I’m the Commander in Chief!  I don’t have to defend you if New Yorkers suddenly decide they want to be Russian citizens!”

Also in the Babbler:

Fermi Lab confirms we are still in our own universe
Valley View District refuses to teach alien theory of Thanksgiving
Trump advisors tell Mayor Claar to sue anyone who runs against him
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/24/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

A message to our readers

By Jenna Olson
Publisher of the Bolingbrook Babbler

When the Bolingbrook Babbler was founded in 1965, my great-grandfather made a promise.  He said that as long as there was a Bolingbrook, there would be a Bolingbrook Babbler

Normally at this time of year, we would re-print articles as a way to celebrate the birthday of our website, which is now 18 years old.  This year I want to do something different.

First, I want to thank our readers.  Your support over the years has been vital to keeping the Babbler going, and to help us stand up to the powerful people who don’t want their secrets exposed.  Secrets like Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, and Mayor Roger Claar’s “campaign stops” across the solar system.  Thanks to you, they can’t stop the Babbler from publishing. Thank you for supporting us.

Second, I want to talk about the future.  We don’t know exactly what the future will bring, but our psychics say that there are dark days ahead for the country and Bolingbrook.  Some worry that the press will be intimidated by President Donald Trump.  You might wonder if we will tone down our coverage now that Roger is friends with Trump. The answer is no.  We’ve covered Roger for over 30 years, and there’s no need to stop now.  You need to know the truth, and be mislead by Internet memes.  We are not a post-truth publication.  Reality matters, even if the skeptics can’t believe it.


So we’ll writing the real stories about Bolingbrook, the most important village in the Milky Way.  I will echo my great-grandfather’s words.  As long as there is a Bolingbrook, there will be a Bolingbrook Babbler.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, November 14, 2016

Illuminati takes over Clow UFO Base



By Reporter X

Almost a week after making Donald Trump the President of the United States, the Illuminati regained control of Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  

Over the weekend Illuminati disciples entered Clow and laid siege to the New World Order’s embassies and offices.  There were no causalities, but dozens were injured during the minor skirmishes.

Mayor Claar announced Sunday night, in front of the Interstellar Press Corps, that the siege was over, and Clow now belonged Illuminati.  He then swore the Life Oath, the most binding oath within the Illuminati.  “Sure some people thought the Illuminati was crazy to try to rig the election against the New World Order, and they laughed at the idea of President Trump, but I knew the Illuminati could succeed. I was right, like I always am.  Now I have a message for the New World Order and their political lackeys.  I am Roger Claar, Adept of the Illuminati.  Look upon my works, you cucks, and despair!  Ford!  I mean Fnord!”

Before the election, the Illuminati was perceived as a secret society in decline.  The decline started in the 1970s, when the New World Order split off and seized control of Earth’s UFO Bases.  While they could influence political primaries, it was long assumed that New World Order had the final say in who ruled the United States.

After upsetting NWO candidate Hillary Clinton, Illuminati has now managed to capture over fifty percent of Earth’s UFO Bases, including Clow.  Other bases, include Rochelle’s Hub 52 base, have either repelled the attackers, or still being disputed.

While all NWO members were expelled from Clow, staff and diplomats from the skeptical movement will be allowed to stay at Clow.

Zelda Blanchard, a Skepchick diplomat, expressed her feelings about the new arrangement.  “It stinks having to look outside my office window and see Men in Blue and robed figures stalking us.  I normally don’t care who runs the world, but their choice of Donald Trump from President scares me.  It’s like they saw all the racism and misogyny and wondered how  they could take it to the next level.”

Committee for Skeptical Inquiry staff member Paul, who asked that we not use his last name, said the takeover upset him.  “I wanted to take a break from all the craziness in the world by visiting Clow.  Instead it followed me here.  I can’t escape Donald Trump!”

Opl Glop, an interstellar merchant, said she was fed up with Earth.  “Your species was on the verge of enlightenment.  Now it looks like you want to set your world on fire instead.  After I finish my business here, I’m leaving before the mushroom clouds start popping up.  I’m not along in thinking this!  Earth’s share of the interstellar economy is about the vanish!”

Melania Trump, who will coordinate alien relations for the Illuminati, promised that the Illuminati would do away the “boredom and interconnectedness imposed” by the New World Order.  She said it would be replaced by “isolation and chaos for the many, with prosperity for the few.”

She added, “You will bow down before the ones you will serve.  This is the beginning.  Watch what you say, we can read your minds.  This is the beginning of the end!  I don’t have to cite Trent Reznor, do I?"

Also in the Babbler:

Protesters beg aliens to save them from Trump
Trump says he will and will not bomb Mars
Weredeer celebrate Trump Victory
God is smiting America now!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, November 7, 2016

Letters to the Editor: Time to vote!

By Doug Fields
Reader’s Editor

Our long national nightmare is almost over with.  Bolingbrook residents, along with the rest of the nation, will be voting for our next President.  Will we decide to make Hillary Clinton our first female President?  Will we make Donald Trump our President and hope something is left of our country after four years?

Loyal readers know that we support Clinton, and we’ve stated our reasons why.  We also asked for your thoughts, and boy did you respond.  Here are the best letters we received.

To the Editor:

The Skepchick Party is proud to support Hillary Clinton, who will not only be the first female President, but will also be the first awesome President ever!  

Hillary will need your help.  Our government doesn’t work right now, and if you elect the wrong Congress, it still won’t work.  You need a plan to elect leaders who make our government work again, and keep our country great!

Skepchick, has a post that can help you make your own plan!  If you elect the right people, we can have a government that will not only fight woo, but will build the foundation for a great 21st Century!

Paula Z. Appleton
Head Facilitator of Bolingbrook’s Skepchick Party

To the Editor:

If the Babbler supports Clinton, then I’m supporting Trump!  Do I really need another reason?

Name withheld by request
Bolingbrook, IL

To the Editor:

I’m supporting Gary Johnson because of freedom!

Barry X Kleinhelm
Bolingbrook, IL

To the Editor: 

Jill Stein is the only Presidential candidate who can save humanity for environmental disaster and protect our children from WiFi signals!

If you’re not voting for Jill, then vote for Trump!  Because his administration will result in the mercy killing of humanity, while Hillary will kill us all slowly!  I don’t want to die from small wars, and half-assed environmental policies that will do nothing to stop climate change.  I want to be vaporized in huge Trump nuclear war!

Give me Jill, or give me an extinction level event!

Apple L. Dawn
Bolingbrook, IL

To the Editor:

I support Evan McMullin because the best man to fight terrorism is a former CIA operations officer!

But don’t bother wasting your time writing in his name in Illinois.  Tell your friends in Utah to vote for him.  If he wins Utah, Trump and Clinton won’t have enough electoral college votes to win.  The House of Representatives will decide who will be President.  That’s means Republicans won’t have to support Trump, and Democrats can show their independence by abandoning Clinton!  Everyone will win.

Some unenlightened people might be mad that a man who could only win one state could become President.  I saw this is no time to be mad!  We live in a republic, not a  democracy.  Trump and Clinton have shown that democracy does not work.  A covert operative is the best man to lead a covert war against terrorism, and what would be more covert than a McMullin victory?

Blake Z. Thompkinson
Provo, UT

Also in the Babbler:

Sources: Trump supports Bolingbrook annexing Chicago
Raelians promise to remove swastika’s on their UFOs
Physicists say Dark Energy propelled Cubs to World Series championship
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/9/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Web exclusive: Naperville police “war game” election night.

During game seven of the World Series, the Naperville police department participated in an “intense war game” to prepare for the presidential election. 

“Naperville has a reputation to uphold, and we’re entrusted to uphold that reputation.”  said one officer.  “We have to be prepared for every situation, no matter how unlikely.  I mean how improbable.  If a Cubs-Indians World Series can happen, anything can happen.”

The scenarios officers face ranged from an epidemic of bar fights to a North Korean nuclear attack against Chicago.  Though some of the scenarios might seem horrific, many officers said they enjoyed the weekend outing.

“My favorite scenario was retaking the Carillon from Black Lives Matter activists.”  said another officer.  “They weren’t shooting at us, so we couldn’t just shoot them.  It required us to use our heads and really think.  We don’t get to do that very often.”

Officer Noah, who asked that we not use his last name, said he feared that the games might become all too real in the future.  “I read this article from Cracked.  I could easily see an army of drug addicted farmers coming from the West, and enraged Black Lives Matter activists marching from the East, and trying to converge on Naperville.  We’ll need to hold the thin line, even if most residents don’t trust us.”

The weekend ended with the officers practicing for election night road blocks.  Officer Bob, who asked that we not use his last name, had the following exchange with a pretend motorist.

Bob: Hi Joe.  

Joe:  Um, hi officer.

Bob:  What’s with the all the Tiki torches in the backseat?

Joe:  Um, I just had the urge to have a picnic tonight?

Bob:  Joe.

Joe:  All right. Trump said the Democrats stole Illinois.  So I’m going to march on Cook County’s corrupt government with my friends.

Bob:  Joe.  What do we say about Naperville?

Joe: We have a reputation to uphold?

Bob:  Yes, and marching with torches isn’t part of that reputation.  Why don’t you go home and support the Donald by watching Trump TV?

Joe: OK.

After Joe left, the instructor sent in an African American driver.  Bob reached for his gun.

Instructor:  Stop!  Officer, you didn’t even look at his ID.

Bob: He was reaching—

Instructor: He’s unarmed, and has no criminal record. Check his ID now!  Where does he live.

Bob: Naperville.  But—

Instructor: What is our unofficial motto?

Bob: “All Naperville residents matter.”


Instructor:  Yes.  Especially the African American residents!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.