Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Gov. John Kasich vows to ban abortion at all US UFO bases

By Reporter X

Ohio Governor and Republican Presidential candidate John Kasich announced that if elected President, he would ban abortion at all UFO bases in the United States.

“I wanted to name a fetus as my running mate, but my advisors said that was unconstitutional.  So this is the next best thing.”

During the press conference at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, Kasich touted the closing of half of  Ohio’s abortion clinics as proof that he can end abortions at UFO bases.

“While Donald Trump is winning states, and Ted Cruz is naming a failed business woman as his vice-presidential candidate, I’m talking about the only issue that matters!  I want to make sure that no alien fetus is ever aborted!”

Extraterrestrial reporters, who struggled to pronounce his last name, questioned how he could keep this promise.  Especially since many interstellar treaties require abortion access at all bases.

“Simple.” he replied.  “I slowly start passing more and more regulations regarding abortions.  Before Planned Parenthood can complain, abortions will become practically impossible to perform.  It’s working in Ohio, and with my unlimited authority as President, I can do it faster!”

During the conference, a protester shouted about its abortion.

“If I had given birth to my offspring, it would have devoured all life on Earth!  My abortion saved your life!”

Kasich smiled, and said, “Wow.  Someone cares enough about my candidacy to protest!”

Men in Black also arrested an alien who they accused of trying to impregnate Kasich.  The being never got closer than 2000 yards from Kasich.

Thomas Xavier, Director of UFO Base Operations, laughed at the announcement.  “This is a desperate attempt by a fail politician to garner the support of Alex Jones voters in Indiana!  He knows full well that the President has no power to regulate abortions at UFO Bases.  The New Order supports abortion access and this is one of the few things we believe humanity should have a choice about.”  Xavier later added, “The Illuminati has already decided who the Republican nominee will be.  Spoiler alert:  It’s not him.”

When asked to comment, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar replied, “As much as it would help my mayoral campaign, I will not accept any nomination from the Republican Convention, if it were held today.”

Also in the Babbler:

Atheist leader blames aliens for making her embezzle money
Male ‘facial enhancement’ company considers Bolingbrook factory
Superheroes plan protest at ‘Civil War’ premiere
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/30/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Village of Bolingbrook braces for contested Presidential conventions

Chief Tom Ross grimly watches the monitors showing the chaos inside and around Bolingbrook.  Pro-Ted Cruz militias celebrate after seizing Clow Airport.  Militant Pro-Hillary Clinton Meetup groups control The Promenade.  Bernie Sanders supporters dance in the parking lot as Bolingbrook High School burns.
“The whole world is Berning!”  One protestor yells at a security camera.

Military units loyal to Donald Trump lay siege on Mayor Roger Claar’s home, demanding that he acknowledge Trump as the one true Republican nominee.  Claar’s repeated offers of alcohol to the troops are refused.

Feeling slighted by Hillary Clinton, Black Lives Matter protesters have shutdown all highways in the major cities.  Hundreds are blocking the interchange between I-355 and I-55.

Deputy Mayor Leroy Brown, severely wounded, limps into the command center to assume command.  Seconds later, a video message from Republican nominee appears on the screen.

“You guys are doing a heck of a job.”  said Jeb Bush.  “You don’t need my help to fix things.”

This was one of many scenarios gamed out by the Public Safety Department.  According to sources within the department, the village needs to be prepared in case both the Democratic and Republican conventions become brokered conventions.  Some officials fear that Democratic voters could rise up if the Super Delegates have the deciding vote for the nomination.  There are also concerns that Donald Trump supporters could rise up if the nomination vote goes past the first round.

“If there is even a .0001 percent chance that this country will descend into anarchy if both parties don’t have a scripted national convention, we have to be prepared.”  said one source.  “The only warning we might get are Bernie Sanders supporters throwing fire bombs at Village Hall.”

Another source agrees that the village should be prepared.

“If Bernie supporters think the establishment has stolen this election, they might be tempted to become revolutionaries.  And I don’t mean the kind that sell newspapers in Chicago.  I mean that kind that are willing to kill people until they’ve taken over the government.  Never mind that he was the one who put the super delegates into a position to decide this election.  On the other hand, Hillary’s supporters might be driven over the edge if she loses a second time.  They might hire people to convert their harmless drones into killer drones.  We could have drone warfare in our country.  Drone warfare should only happen in other less developed countries.  Not here!”

When asked to comment, a receptionist for Claar denied that the village was preparing for a violent uprising.

“Really guys.”  she said.  “We both know that the American people are too apathetic to start a revolution today.  They’ll just treat the conventions as an expensive reality show.  When its over, they’ll go back to their lives.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar could be heard talking on the phone.

“Hi Doctor.  The State Republican Committee says I can’t skip the Republican convention unless I’m having surgery that week.  Can you schedule a surgery for me?  I don’t care.  Just something that gets me out of the convention.  Besides brain surgery!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, April 11, 2016

Trump supporter throws shoe at ambassador from Planet X

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base employee Derrick Z. Thompson threw one of shoes at the ambassador from Planet X.

“You may have killed the dinosaurs, but you won’t kill us!”  he yelled as Men in Blue tackled him.  “You’ll have to deal with Donald Trump this time!  He will make life on Earth great again!”

Ambassador Gluck Zopucke, representative from the farthest planet in our solar system, yelled back at the protester.  “We are a peaceful civilization.  Don’t believe the lies the UFO conspiracy theorists tell you!”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar apologized to Zopucke for the outburst.  “Don’t worry.  When we’re done he won’t even remember his way back home.”

Zopucke told members of the interstellar press that he hoped his visit would dispel many of the lies told about his planet by “greedy lying humans.”

“Our planet is called Plockdock, not Nibiru!  It never gets closer than 200 AU from Earth.  We’ve never sent any asteroids or comets towards Earth.  Why would we?  We find it fascinating that life can exist on such a hellishly hot place as Earth.  I can’t understand why so many Earthlings are afraid of us.”

Thompson is currently in solitary confinement.  His lawyer says he hopes the trial will prove that his client was justified in attacking Zopucke.

“Trump believes that you must always show strength, even if your foe is technologically advanced, and can destroy all of humanity.  He was just showing his strength and following his religious devotion to Trump.”

ZockGot, a resident of the Zeta Reticuli system, said he and his friends were responsible for starting the initial rumors that Plockdock was heading towards Earth.

“We were playing with a telepathic transmitter, and a woman named Nancy Lieder was the only who could hear us.  We thought it would be funny to mess with her.  We figured that scientists would explain our jokes, and she would laugh, and move on with her life.  We didn’t realize our actions would lead to the Heaven’s Gate suicides and bigotry towards the residents of your farthest planet.”

Claar assured the ambassador that the rest of Clow’s staff would be friendly and supportive towards him.

The Trump campaign release the following statement:  “Earth has lost too many species to the reckless orbit of Nibiru.  The Republican Establishment, lead by the alien Ted Cruz, wants to sacrifice the rest of us to spare their lives.  Only Trump can defeat Nibiru, and destroy the Republican Establishment once and for all!”

Also in the Babbler:

Clintons buys more UFO ads
Flat Earth Society demands equal time in Valley View 365u classes
Space monks spotted in Lisle
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/5/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, April 4, 2016

Pro-Trump UFO attacks pro-Cruz UFO

A UFO with the Trump logo attacks a UFO with a Cruz logo.
By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Men in Blue arrested alien supporters of Donald Trump after their craft fired on a UFO with a Sen Ted Cruz presidential campaign logo.  No causalities were reported on either ship, though both ships sustained heavy damage.

Bolingbrook’s Department of Extraterrestrial Affairs praised security officials at Clow UFO Base for their handling of the dog fight.

“Thanks to our interceptor pilots, our S.W.A.T. team, and our strong Men in Blue, the situation was under control before either craft crashed.  Emotions are high on in the Republican campaign, but that does not excuse any visitor from initiating ariel assaults.”

Both crafts were on their way to Wisconsin to advertise for their candidates.  The Wisconsin Primary is considered a must-win for both candidates, UFO advertising is considered a major key to victory.

Koligo, commander of the Ted Cruz ship, claims her crew did nothing wrong.  “I was just supporting my ex-lover.  We had a thing before he married Heidi, so don’t get the wrong idea.  Ted is so sexy.  Where was I?  Yeah.  We were on our designated flight path when those brutish Trump supporters started attacking us!  Their ship is just like Trump: Flashy and full of worthless (Expletive deleted)!”

Doug Z. Roberson, lawyer from the Trump crew, tells a different story.  “She started it!  She flew her ship into my clients path and almost caused a mid-air collision!  Now I’m not sexist, but I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to blame her feminine flying skills for this incident.  The mere fact that she is a woman supporting Ted proves she has poor judgement.  All women love Donald once they get to know him!”

Clow officials stress that this is the first violent incident this year since UFOs were allowed to display political ads this political season.  

“Most crews don’t care about politics.”  said one anonymous official.  “They just want the covert credits.  We shouldn’t focus on this one shooting incident.  We should focus on how well behaved our visitors have been.  The Clinton and Sanders UFOs haven’t been shooting at each other, and we know how high tensions have been between those two.”

Wisconsin flyovers are expected to continue until the primary on Tuesday.  “Abduction canvassing” has been banned since April 1.

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar’s boycott of Chicago media show no sign of ending
Church of Neil deGrasse Tyson opens in Bolingbrook
Mayor Claar denies funneling money to a Uranus shell corporation
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/8/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Zack Snyder directing political ad for Mayor Roger Claar

Sources around Bolingbrook confirm that Zack Snyder, Batman V. Superman, is filming an ad for Mayor Roger Claar’s reelection campaign.

A source close to Claar explained.  “This is part of our scorched earth strategy for the 2017 campaign.  This time we’re not taking any chances that someone substantive will try to run against him.  With this quality ad, and a large media buy, it will be insane to run against Roger.  As you know, when it is insane to run against Roger, only the insane will run against him.  You are going to remove my ableist remarks, right?”

Debbie, who claims to be a village employee, says she saw part of the pitch meeting between Claar and Snyder.  “Zack walked in, and the first thing he said to Roger was, “Don’t worry, we can fix you with CGI.’  I’m surprised that Roger allowed him to stay.”

Paul, another employee, claims to have heard part of the script review.  According to him, Claar objected to a major scene.

Claar: You are not doing this to her!
Snyder:  She was boring in your outline.  This will make her more interesting.
Claar:  She’s interesting enough.
Snyder:  I have a quota to—
Claar:  No!

Both agree that when Claar presented Snyder with the ad’s budget, he replied, “Oh my.  I might have to actually film in Bolingbrook.”

Several people claim to have been extra during one the outdoor filming.  Dan, who asked that we not use his last name, claims he overheard an argument between Claar and Snyder.  

Claar:  I am not wearing this green spandex suit!
Snyder:  It’s for the CGI.
Claar:  No.
Snyder:  We’ll work on it.
Claar:  And are you going to reveal my big line?  Is it, “This is Bolingbrook?”
Snyder:  No.  It’s, “Vote for me if you want to live.”
Claar:  You aren’t really filming a Terminator movie, are you?
Snyder:  No.

Paula described one scene in the ad.  “We had to stare at several green screens.  At one point, Zack yelled, ‘Roger just sent bombers to destroy Beaconridge.  React.’  Then he yelled, ‘You see the residents of Naperville’s slums approaching.  Panic!’  When someone told him there were no slums in Naperville, he didn’t take it well.  ‘How dare you attack my artistic vision!  This is my vision.  This is my Fountainhead!’”

The ad is expected to run in December of this year.  Though one extra is skeptical.

“I’m sure Zack really filming one of the Justice League movies.  I’m right, then this is the greatest honor since I was an extra in a Nicholas Cage movie!”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook residents complain about political ads on UFOs
Alien claims to have had an affair with Ted Cruz
Soviets threaten Bolingbrook with heat wave this summer
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/1/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Web Exclusive: Anti-psychic Kitty dies after two year battle with cancer

Anti-psychic Kitty
Anti-psychic Kitty, a genetically engineered house cat who radiated the highest levels of anti-psychic energy ever recored, died Wednesday night.  A spokesperson for The Center for Inquiry Chicago confirmed his passing.

“Anti-psychic kitty lost a two year battle with lymphoma tonight.  Science kept him alive for so long, but it cannot defeat cancer.  He will be missed.”

CFI’s other feline fellows commented on his passing.

In an e-mail Cassie wrote, “I’ll kind of miss him, but others will miss him more.  In a universe without a god, to be missed is the greatest compliment.”

Andy released a simple statement.  “APK has gone away.  I am sad.”

Anti-psychic kitty was genetically engineered by the James Randi Educational Foundation as part of their secret anti-psychic pet project.  The goal was to create pets that could be given to famous psychics.  The pets would radiate anti-psychic energy and suppress their owner’s power.  APK’s energy was so strong that a psychic’s would exploded if they used their power near him.

The JREF claimed to have suspended the program, but the discovery of felines Cassie and Andy, as well as four dogs, proved that the program continued for at least six more years.  All the surviving pets were eventually transferred to CFI, and awarded fellowships.

APK, who could communicate though translation collar or by using the Internet, spent most of his life working against “woo.”  During the JREF’s Amazing Meetings, APK would be hidden on stage while psychics attempted to win the million dollar prize in front of an audience of skeptics.

“My job was to stay hidden and in range of my energy field.  If a person on stage survived, then we knew that they weren’t psychic.”

Despite his murderous energy, APK was regarded as a kind and loving cat who was dedicated to promoting the virtues of scientific skepticism and reason.  His caretakers describe how he loved to be petted and always seemed happy.

After being diagnosed with lymphoma, APK ghost wrote many articles denouncing alternative medicine, especially by veterinarians.  

“The alternative to medicine is death.  Placebos may make owners feel good about themselves, but they do nothing else.  We need to speak for those who cannot speak for themselves.  Expensive tap water is no substitute for medicine!”

In lieu of flowers, CFI Chicago asks instead that mourners make a donation to their local animal shelter.

Out of character:  River, the cat who portrayed Anti-psychic Kitty, died on 3/23/16, also of lymphoma.  He was loved, and he will be missed.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, March 21, 2016

Atheists filming Banachek series in Bolingbrook

Mentalist Banachek (Promotional Image)
The controversial Roku network, Atheist TV, will be filming their new series in Bolingbrook this month, which stars mentalist Banachek.

American Atheists spokesperson Jill Goodfellow explained why they’re filming in Bolingbrook.  “Television shows, like The Mentalist, have been copying Banachek for years.  Our show will feature the real Banachek, and Bolingbrook is the best place to film our series.  That, and its too expensive to film in Las Vegas or Los Angeles.  For a modest donation to a charity we won’t name, we were given permission to film anywhere in Bolingbrook!  It’s a great deal for our small network!”

According to Goodfellow, Banachek will play a professional skeptic who travels around the country to expose psychic frauds.  If he finds a real psychic, he’ll give that person one billion dollars.

In one scene, filmed on Lindsey LN, two men stood outside a house with a sign that read, “Talk to the Dead: Special discount today.”

Man 1:  I can’t wait to conduct my tests on Zantada!  This time, I know we’ll get conclusive proof she’s a psychic
Man 2: This investigation will make Daily Grail the most important web site on the Internet, and silence those skeptics once and for all.
(Old man walks out)  
Old Man:  Sorry.  The other investigator arrived early, and convincingly debunked Zantada.  Your services are no longer needed.
(Man walks out)
Man 1:  Banachek.
Man 2:  Or is it really pronounced Bandana?
Banachek:  You know, there’s a Polish saying.  It doesn’t matter how many rubber duckies you have in the bathtub, a cat will alway find a real mouse.

Goodfellow denied that the show is a remake of the TV series Banacek.

“Maybe that show was based on who they thought Banachek would become.  If that’s the case, we’re doing the show as it was meant to be done.  It’s the only rational answer!”

An anonymous Bolingbrook police officer claimed to pulled over Banachek.

“He was driving a car while blindfolded. I said that he needed to have a clear view of the road.  This is amazing.  He read my badge number, said I needed to shave, and asked why police car looked nothing like the movie versions of the Bolingbrook police department.  I let him go because his sixth sense seemed good enough for me.”

Though Banachek will be leaving at the end of the month, Goodfellow say that he may return soon.

“He’s featured in the new Karen Stollznow novel, Hits and Mrs.  If we find the right people, and if she lets us use a script that gives Banachek a larger role, we might film in Bolingbrook again.  With a little CGI, we can make Hidden Lakes look like the Australian Outback!”

Also in the Babbler:

Alien arrested for causes Clow Airport plane crash
Illegal space aliens captured at Bolingbrook Oberweis
Officials warn of UFOs disguised as drones spying on Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/25/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.