Sunday, January 31, 2016

CFI’s feline fellows clash with Richard Dawkins

The Chicago Center for Inquiry’s feline fellows clashed with Richard Dawkins over inviting Rebecca Watson to speak at the upcoming Feline Lovers in Secularism conference.

The dispute, according to sources within CFI Chicago, was over giving Dawkins a speaking slot at the conference.  Dawkins, who was disinvited from the NECSS over what many consider an offensive anti-feminist tweet, wants to use this CFI conference to rehabilitate his public image.  The sources say that since he wants to speak at the conference and since he now controls CFI, Watson must be disinvited.

“We hope that after the cats and I talk with Richard, we can resolve this.” said John Z. Miller, Executive Director of CFI Chicago, before the meeting with Dawkins.  “We did everything right.  We have a generous donor who is paying for this conference, and he really wants Rebecca to speak at it.  Like we always say around here, if someone gives you money, and then offers to give you more money, you shut up and listen to them. Let me add that all of us believe in science, all of don't believe in God, and we all dislike PZ Myers.  We can come together and work this out.”

At the start of the meeting, CFI feline Andy tried to explain Twitter to Dawkins.

“Obviously you don’t understand Twitter, Professor Dawkins.  Twitter is just for announcements and links.  You don’t want to make complex arguments there.  You want to keep it short and fun!  If you want to make a long point, post a link to your blog!  If you like someone’s tweet, make sure you check their bio before retweeting.  Don’t be like Donald Trump.  Oh, if someone make you mad on Twitter, don’t get into a fight.  Do what I do.  Walk away from the screen and play with a catnip toy!  That’s how you Twitter.”

Dawkins replied that Andy didn’t appreciate his brilliance, and that he actually has the best Twitter feed.

Feline fellow Cassie, argued with Dawkins over his actions following his posting of his offensive tweet.

“Professor Dawkins, why don’t you believe that the woman in that video has been harassed?”

“Because I don’t have any proof that she was.”

“Here is a link proving that she’s been for harassed over three years.”

“I don’t care what that link says, my new friends on Twitter say feminists fake harassment against them for attention and sympathy.”

“Do you have evidence for this?”

“No, but it makes sense!”

“So you’re saying that Maryam Namazie staged her harassment at Goldsmith University?”

“Of course not!  That doesn’t make sense.  Especially because it was done by Muslims!”

After several minutes, Dawkins proclaimed that he wanted to use FLIS conference to prove that he loves women.  “I love women.  I’m married to a time lord, and I continue to show my love to other women.  How dare these vile feminists say I hate women!  Unless you are 100% focused on the destruction of Islam, you are not a feminist!”

Dawkins then retweeted an anti-feminist meme featuring a photo of a women about to be executed by a muslim.  Feline fellow Anti-psychic Kitty replied by peeing on Dawkins’s leg.

Dawkins screamed in disgust then said, “What do you have to say for yourself?”

“I’m so cute.”  APK replied.

Miller punished APK by forcing him to take an unpaid nap day.

“This is in accordance with CFI policy.  If he did more, I would have required him to take a week's worth of unpaid naps.”

Eventually, both sides reached an agreement, according to Miller.

“We’re going to march over to Mosque Maryam with Richard, and stage a protest against the Nation of Islam.  This event will give him credit for standing up against Islam, and for doing African American outreach.

“Rebecca Watson can speak at our convention, if she wants to, and Richard’s people won’t complain.  This is a win-win for everyone!”

Also in the Babbler:

Pro-Clinton UFO fleet spotted over Iowa
Trump vows to shutdown Clow UFO Base if elected
Mayor Claar grows new administrative judge in laboratory 
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/2/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Opposition Parties respond to the Bolingbrook 2016 State of the Village Address.

Note:  Each year we ask Bolingbrook’s opposition parties to reply to the Mayor Roger Claar’s state of the village address.  This year, the Roger Claar Party, the Flat Earth Party, the Bolingbrook Democratic Socialist Party, and Critical Gender Party accepted our invitation.

The Roger Claar Party
“A great mayor deserves a great party”

(Note:  The Roger Claar Party is not affiliated with Roger Claar.)

The state of Bolingbrook is great!  Crime is down. Shopping is up, and a new apartment complex is being built as we speak.  Bolingbrook just celebrated it’s golden anniversary and has many more golden years ahead.

We can thank Roger for this success!  There’s a reason why this true PhD graduate is Bolingbrook’s greatest leader!  He has given us so much and we are glad that he will run for re-election in 2017.

But what have we given Roger in return?  A village board that barely supports him.  When the media accuse Roger of firing a hearing officer for ruling against the village, did they invest their own money to create a pro-Roger web site?  When people on Topix attack our Mayor, do the trustees rush to his defense?  Of course not!

Roger’s has done great things as mayor.  Imagine what he could do if he had a party that really supported him.  You can make that a reality in 2017!

The Flat Earth Party
“Flat is where it is at!”

Who cares about economic policies, apartments, and malls?  Bolingbrook residents want to know how you will stand up to the Round Earth Conspiracy?

Plate Earth Theory is gaining traction.  Celebrities like B.o.B and Tila Tequila are risking their careers to preach the flat-out truth about our flat Earth.  Why would they take this risk, unless they truly believed in what they were saying.

Roger, who are you going to trust?  Your own eyes, or dead greeks?  Everyone in Bolingbrook knows the truth.  Why are you afraid to say it?

America wants leaders who aren’t afraid to speak their minds.  Bolingbrook, there is no better encore to electing President Trump than to elect us as the leaders of Bolingbrook.  Vote for us, and Bolingbrook will be ground zero for flat earth advocacy!

The Bolingbrook Democratic Socialist Party
“Berning Bolingbrook”

Roger spent most of his speech talking about economic growth and low taxes.  We have a simple question for him.  Who’s profiting from all this growth?  Out of town businesses, and the Bolingbrook 1%, that’s who.  With Roger being rewarded in campaign fund donations.

That’s not right.  The people of Bolingbrook work hard, and get peanuts in return.  That’s why we want to enact a village minimum wage, create an income tax for residents making over $10 million a year, and create a single payer system for all residents.  Residents have contributed to Bolingbrook’s profits.  They should see more for their work besides shopping malls and overpriced low quality apartments!

Critics make fun of us for owning iPhones.  There’s noting wrong with owning an iPhone.  We just want to workers who build the phones to get a larger slice of the pie.  Likewise, Bolingbrook residents deserves a larger slice of their local pie.  

Today, thousands of Bolingbrook residents are feeling the Bern.  If you want Bolingbrook to Bern too, then vote for us.  Because Bernie Sanders doesn’t just need your votes, he needs you to extend his revolution from the White House down to your neighborhood!

Critical Gender Party
“Parts Matter”

They’re scary and they’re coming out of the closet.  They don’t think like us, and they’ll call you out if you say what you really think.  They want to change how we think about boys and girls.

We’re the ones who want to get in their way and yell “stop!”  We are the Gender Critical Party.

The Goddess gave us our private parts for a reason.  We don’t care what male scientists say, gender can be debated.  Gender organs cannot!

Sure most so-called trans people are nice.  But if there’s even a .00000000001% chance that a man will pretend to be a woman to enter the women’s room, we can’t risk it!  We have to protect our bathrooms.

That’s why we were disappointed with Roger’s speech.  He never mentioned how he would address our concerns.  We’ll have to do it ourselves!

We want the village to have inspectors at every public bathroom in Bolingbrook.  It will be their job to make sure that people with the right organs are directed to the right bathroom.  In this crisis situation, we no longer have the luxury of “private parts!”

We’re also calling for a ban on same sex bathrooms in Bolingbrook.  Are family bathrooms worth the risk of something bad happening?  We don’t think so.

Don't be afraid of being labeled a TERF.   You should vote the party that will support the gender status quo in Bolingbrook!

Also in the Babbler:

Trump insults Martian Colonists
Mayor Claar’s interstellar campaign fund doubles in size.
New World Order promise $.50 gas in Chicago this year

God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/30/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Manchester Mumbler: NFL’s Raiders threaten move to Manchester

Photo by Daniel.
(Note:  From time to time, we like to post articles from our sister publications around the world.  Today we are featuring the Manchester Mumbler in the UK.  Spellings have been Americanized for this web post.)

Will the Oakland Raiders relocate to Manchester next season?  Sources say team officials have been secretly meeting with Councilors to work out a deal.

“We always have room for one more football team.”  said a source close to Lord Mayor Paul Murphy.

Since the NFL rejected their bid to build a stadium and move to Los Angeles, the Raiders have been looking for a new home, as well as trying to get more money to build a new stadium in Oakland.  Though the mainstream American media have focused on other American cities as the Raiders’ new home, Councilors say Manchester is a top candidate.

“The NFL has held games in London.”  Said a councilor, who asked to remain anonymous.   “Mark Davis (owner of the Raiders) says London is too expensive, and the residents are too uptight.  He says Manchester is the perfect fit for the Raiders.  He first said that Manchester would be a colony of the Raider Nation.  I told him he shouldn’t use the word ‘colony’ because some of us are still upset the US quit the British Empire.”

The sources agree that the Raiders would play their 2016 games at Etihad Stadium.  A sticking point in the negotiations, however, is the plan for the new stadium.  The Raiders want a ($2 Billion) stadium funded entirely by the tax payers, promises to upgrade the stadium every time a new NFL stadium is built, a promise to never tax the team, and an open lease that allows the Raiders to leave relocate any time they want to.

The councilors, however, proposed building a modest stadium, in exchange for majority ownership of the team, a promise that the team will pay their local taxes, and the signing of a 2000 year lease.

“Unlike Saint Louis, we want to make sure we get paid in full for our stadium.  What’s good for a small town in the midwest is even better for Greater Manchester!”

Anonymous city employees say surveys prove there is local interest in bringing an NFL team into Greater Manchester. 

Phil Z. McMillion is one of those interested residents.  “It is just fascinating to watch Americans beat each other up while playing a ball.  They give new meaning to the word ‘overkill.’  Only Americans could turn a child’s game into war game!”

John Stinson agrees.  “American football players are so big and strong that they can hit each other with same force as small car!  The medical bills from just one NFL game could fund the NHS for a decade!”

The NFL and the Raiders could not be reached for comment.

Also in the Mumbler:

Donald Trump banned from all Commonwealth UFO Bases
Jeremy Corbyn: Police should have guns, not bullets
Police: ‘The Pusher’ is a zombie

God to smite Manchester on 1/2/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, January 11, 2016

Aliens and Clow staff mourn the death of David Bowie.



By Reporter X

Many aliens at Clow UFO Base mourned the loss of David Bowie.

“He may called himself a space oddity,” said Logoop from Alpha Centauri.  “But I will always remember him as an honorary member of the interstellar community.”

Former Mayor Edward Rosenthal fondly remembered Bowie’s only concert at Clow.

“It was a command performance for the Martian Colonial Ambassador.  We were worried that he might act like a rock star backstage and create a situation.  Instead he was one of the nicest artists I had worked with at Clow.  He was very calm around the Ambassador, and didn’t flinch when he was presented with a real Martian Sand Spider.  He even asked the Ambassador if the colonies could mount a rescue mission for Major Tom.  I never got the chance to ask if that was joke or not.”

Joclock, from the NGC 6397 cluster, said that Bowie’s music helped him survive visits to Earth.

“I used to feel like an alien when I was around humans.  It was very lonely.  Then I started listening to his albums.  That was when I realized that even humans, natives to this planet, could feel like aliens.  When I realized that, I no longer felt like an alien.  I felt perfectly normal when I put on my human suit to go outside.  I wish I could have told him that.”

Not all aliens were saddened by Bowie’s death.

“He murdered my children.”  said Plago, from an unknown planet.  “I held up the fluid glass during one of his concerts so they could get a closer look.  He thought I was giving him a glass of water.  That (expletive deleted) drank my children!  It took me years to breed them, and seconds for him to devour them.  What a monster!”

Clow officials expect record in the weeks leading up to the Bowie tribute concert scheduled for March 31.


“He was a unique artist, whose work touched lives around the Galaxy!”  said one anonymous source.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Friday, January 1, 2016

Top ten most read Babbler articles of 2015

By Sara Langston
Editor

Bolingbrook and the Babbler both turned 50 in 2015.  These are the most read articles from our golden year.

  1. The Mayors of Bolingbrook: Roger Claar 1986:  The online version of our very first interview with Mayor Roger Claar.  Has it really been 30 years?
  2. Obama will not expose the truth about aliens, say Biden: And he still hasn’t.
  3. Is Garfield Pond home to a monster? We still get reports from Lisle about this creature.
  4. Bolingbrook officials celebrate defeat of Denver Ordinance 300:  This article is used in an online writing course. 
  5. Donald Trump and David Koch clash at Illuminati sponsored debate: People tell us that this article has helped them make sense of the 2016 Presidential Campaign.
  6. Bolingbrook opposition parties respond to 2015 State of the Village Address: Yes, Bolingbrook does have opposition parties.
  7. Bonnie and Roger clash at Clow UFO Base town hall meeting: What a meeting it was.
  8. Sylvia Browne slams critics from beyond the grave: We hear she’s still doing that.
  9. New paranormal show to investigate the Hidden Lakes Monster: We hear the show is still in the “concept stage.”
  10. Bolingbrook church challenges atheist David Silverman to MMA match: To date, Silverman still hasn’t accepted their challenge.
Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, December 28, 2015

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2016

Will Mayor Roger Claar
become President in 2016?
Every December, our council of psychics gathers together to make predictions for the coming New Year.  Our past predictions have been so accurate, that we suspect that skeptical movement decided to terminate their million dollar prize, rather than aware it to us.

Last year was no exception.  Sure Jay Cutler didn’t become the leader of the Chicago Bears.  He did however, become franchise leader in touchdown passes.  We all agree that Governor Bruce Rauner is trying to run Illinois like a business.  Despite what the skeptics tell you to believe, psychic visions are not clear, and often times their meaning isn’t clear until after the event happens.

So, with that in mind, here are our predictions for 2016:

Despite a massive earthquake which shifts Western California into Oregon and Washington, the NFL will decide not to cancel Super Bowl 50.

“As long as the stadium is still standing, we’ll play the game.”  Commissioner Roger Goodell will say.  “We’re not going to let something like a mass casualty event stop America’s game.  If we do that, Mother Nature wins!  We can’t let Mother Nature win.  Right now I’m not worried about the game.  I’m worried about what I’m going to do with the 49ers now that their stadium is only a few miles from Portland (Oregon).”

***

There will be many sightings of Russian special forces troops in Bolingbrook.  The sightings will start after a Russian soldier will tweet a photo of himself with the caption, “I’m on a secret mission.”  His location will be tagged as Bolingbrook.  After hundreds of sightings, the soldier will admit that he wasn’t on a secret mission, but on vacation.  The Internet will not be convinced.

***
After the primaries, Donald Trump will be 5 delegates short of securing the nomination.  Trump announces that he has the deals in place to win the nomination on the second ballot.

Before the start of the convention, the rules committee will declare most of Trumps delegates ineligible and replace them with “alternate” delegates.  When pointed out that the rules are contradictory and make no sense, the rules chairman will reply, “Come on.  You really didn’t think we were going to let Trump win this, did you.”

Over a thousand armed Trump supporters and delegates will march on Cleveland to demand that Trump be selected as the Republican Party Nominee.  After an exchange of gun fire, resulting in injuries, Trump will come out of a meeting with party officials and say that he is the party’s nominee for President.  The party instead announces that Jeb Bush is the nominee.

“I told you I could fix this.”  He will say.

Both will deliver acceptance speeches at the same time as Trump, with most media outlets covering Trump’s speech.  Then Trump will file a lawsuit against the Republican Party.

***

To the surprise of many, Deadpool will be the biggest superhero movie of 2016, and Batman V Superman will be the biggest flop.  Warners will then announce the cancelation of their cinematic universe.

A critic will explain how this happened.  “Let’s face it.  Comic book fans today are immature adults.  And nothing says immature adult like a Deadpool movie!”

***

Millions will be stunned as the Supreme Court will agree to hear Trump’s case, and put a stay on the US Election.

They will be even more stunned when the Court declares both parties nominees ineligible and declares any voting restrictions on a member of the Electoral College unconstitutional.

Justice Scalia will write the majority opinion.  “The Founding Fathers never intended for the people to directly elect a President.  They are supposed to elect qualified delegates to an electoral college to make the decision for them.  Any law or political party that forces the Electoral Collage to consider the opinion of the rabble is clearly unconstitutional!”

***

Guns N’ Roses will finally reunite in 2016.  To the surprise of many, the band will start all their performances on time, Axl Rose will remember the lyrics to all the songs, and the band will perform full sets every night.

When asked about this, Rose will reply, “Our fans are older and won’t put up with my old (expletive deleted) any more.  The fact is, I really need the money.  Have you seen the sales of Chinese Democracy?  Pathetic, and considering the cost of homeopathic booze, I had no choice but to clean up my act and get my old bandmates to like me again.  So enjoy this tour while you can.  Because next time we tour, we’ll be using walkers, and raising money so we can settle down in a nice retirement community.”

***

Upon hearing rumors that the Electoral Collage will choose Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar for President, billionaire Sheldon Adelson will decide to take action.  Adelson will order Congress to declare war on Israel, and then immediately surrender.  This will result in the United States becoming an “occupied territory.”

Adelson will defend his decision.  “Roger is a nice guy, but insufficiently supportive of Israel.  Plus the Jewish People need more room.  Because of our victory in the Five Second War, Israel will finally have a sufficient military to defend itself, and will no longer be dependent upon American politicians.  American politicians will be dependent upon us.”

Bernie Sanders will be named administrator of the thirteen original states and California.  Donald Trump will be named administrator of the rest of the country.

“We lost a few states, but we got our country back!”  Trump will tell his joyous supporters during his inauguration speech.

Also in the Babbler:

Soviet ice attack fails to cripple Bolingbrook
Sources: Village Board to consider tax on web sites critical of Bolingbrook
New android factory to open outside of Joliet
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/31/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, December 21, 2015

Letters to the Editor December 2015

By Doug Fields
Readers' Editor

Hello Bolingbrook.  It’s that time of year when our staff takes time off to be with their families, and we let the readers speak their minds.  Anyone can post a comment on a web page.  This week, we’re celebrating the nearly lost art of writing a letter to the editor.

Not everyone has this talent.  Some confuse brevity with the lack of content.  As you can see below.

To the Editor: 
Donald Trump is popular!  He’s amazing!  He tells it like it is.  Donald Trump is amazingly popular because he tells the truth!  DONALD TRUMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
Liberals don’t stand a chance in this election because, amazingly, Donald Trump’s truth is popular! 
Stan X WillardBolingbrook, IL

That is amazing.  Amazingly bad, even by the standards of the average Trump supporter.  We have printed the unbelievable truth since 1965, but Donald Trump is just unbelievable.  We’ll be following Donald Trump very closely this election season.

Anyway, sometimes our readers come up with good questions.

To the Editor:
I love the Bolingbrook Babbler!  Even though your web site sometimes features stories from around the world, you still post more articles about Bolingbrook than the Chicago Tribune’s Bolingbrook section.  It’s like they can’t tell the difference between Plainfield and Bolingbrook.  Why is that? 
Sue X WhitmoreBolingbrook, IL

Sue, the sad truth is that mainstream journalism is all about getting access to top leaders.  Mayor Roger Claar won’t give any of their reporters the time of day.  Plainfield, on the other hand, is desperate for attention.  So the Tribune has to run articles about Plainfield to fill the void in their Bolingbrook coverage.  We, on the other hand, will always work hard to deliver the unbelievable truth about Bolingbrook, with or without Roger’s help.


Speaking of help, we like to cover our local businesses, and we are open to story suggestions, but this reader’s suggestion is a bridge too far.

To the Editor:
I work for (company name deleted) in Bolingbrook.  We’re multi-billion dollar corporation with an awesome future around the world!  Our social media presence is second to none!  Our CEO makes YouTube videos!  It’s an awesome place to work, and it’s going to become more awesome in 2016! 
You guys are funny, and popular in Bolingbrook.  Why don’t you help (company name deleted) by writing a story about us?  I’ve got the perfect story!  You can say our company liberated a warehouse from aliens!  The employees are so happy that they start singing Supercalifragilistic(company name deleted).  The lyrics can highlight our corporate values and the value we bring to our customers.  Your readers will laugh and learn about a very important Bolingbrook company.  What do you think? 
Dave Y. McAllenBolingbrook, IL

No.  No.  No!  If your billion dollar corporation wants to use their employees’ social media accounts for free advertising, that’s their business.  Asking us to give them free advertising is another matter.  If your company wants to be featured in the Babbler, they can buy advertising at our reasonable rates, or do something newsworthy!

Finally, the Internet has a question for us.

To the Editor: 
You guys have been working on a secret project since 2014.  Are you still working on it, and is it true that PZ Myers is involved?  No, I’m positive that PZ is involved!  This is just your chance to confess and then renounce him! Otherwise… #MRAalltheway, #Atheist! #PZSucks
Mammoth HunterThe Internet

We’re still working on the project.  It’s talking longer than we anticipated, but are pleased with what we are seeing.

No, PZ Myers is not involved.  When we are ready, we’ll announce more details.


Do you think you can write a better letter to the editor?  Send to us at bolingbrookbabbler at gmail (dot) com.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.