Monday, May 30, 2016

Interstellar Jews visit Chicagoland to study Earth’s religions

Twenty teenagers from a solar system colonized by the lost tribes of Israel visited Chicagoland to meet with local religious leaders.  The visit is part of their confirmation education.
Instructor Jacob Asher explained the program.  “Since we reestablished contact with Erets in 2012, we’ve brought our adolescents here to learn about our history, and the history of religions here.  We don’t want to force our kids to believe anything.  Instead, we think that once they experience other religions, they will embrace our secular judaism.”

Asher said the churches, synagogues, and mosques they visited in Chicago were welcoming, but some leaders were suspicious.

“One person said she was confused because she thought the Kol Hadash class had already visited.  I told her that we were with the Beth Chaverim confirmation class.  They bought it.”

One student, Bethe, said their was an incident at Christian church.

“My friend Lynda told the minister she thought Christianity was stupid, and it was just a bunch of gentiles who were jealous of our culture.  The minister recited a quote about only fools not believing in God.  She said she could prove him wrong. Bloy!  Lynda punched him, then said, ‘Jesus forgive me.’  Then she punched him again and said, ‘Jesus forgive me. Now your God has forgiven me.  Are you going to?’  Fortunately, we don’t believe in that, and we made her atone.”

Rebekka said she was worried when they visited Masjid Al-Islan in Bolingbrook.  “They were really nice.  I don’t why Donald Trump wants to ban them.  Still, I didn’t agree with their argument for God.  I guess its more for people who think you should pray to a god more than once a night.”

A rabbi, who asked not to be identified, described his meeting with the class as polite but tense.  “We did not get off to a good start. They greeted me by saying, ‘shalom shabbat.  I told them the correct version was ‘Shabbat shalom.’  One student said I was wrong.  Me?  Wrong?  I think the space radiation went to their heads.”

The students concluded their visit with a trip to the Illinois Holocaust Museum and Eduction Center.

“That was moving.” said Rebekka.  “It’s one thing to follow a religion’s practices, like spending all of the Sabbath in a sleep tube.  It’s another thing to kill over a religion.  I’m still working out what I believe, but when I do, I hope it doesn’t involve killing people who disagree with me.”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar remembers the forgotten victims of the Bolingbrook Time War
Zombies rise in honor of Memorial Day
Clow UFO Base practices for mass exodus in case of Trump victory
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/2/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, May 23, 2016

We get letters: The godless are not amused

by Doug Fields
Reader’s Editor

It is summer time.  For most God-fearing Americans, it’s vacation time.  For the godless, it’s convention season.  Conventions allow them to come together and harness their collective energy to block out God’s love.  (Our webmaster might disagree with that, but that’s another article.)

Oddly enough, this has inspired atheists, to use the PC term, to write letters to us.

This first letter about the American Humanist Association, which just happens to be holding a convention in Chicago.
To the Editor: 
Now I don’t believe in the atheist movement, and I don’t follow their so-called leaders.  When I heard that they were splintering into four groups, I was displeased.  The outraged Social Justice Warriors have asserted their dogma into Humanism, by forcing the creation of a black group, a female group, and a gay group!  I don’t want Atheism+ in my humanism.  I want a humanism that only focuses on the fact that there is no god, and each of us can do whatever we want!
David X. Garrett
Bolingbrook, OH
First of all, there is no such place as Bolingbrook, OH, but we can let that slide.

Second of all, you’re wrong.  Not only about the existence of God, you are also wrong but about humanism.  All of the Humanist Manifestos aren’t that far removed from the Communist Manifesto, if I may say so.  Even the more moderate Humanist Manifesto III contains the line, “We seek to minimize the inequities of circumstance and ability, and we support a just distribution of nature's resources and the fruits of human effort so that as many as possible can enjoy a good life.”

Our webmaster also says that AHA is not splintering.  Their social justice coordinator, Sincere Kirabo, goes into greater detail than I have the space for.  Our webmaster also adds, “Mr. Garrett isn’t standing up to Atheism+.  He’s advocating for Humanism-.”  Whatever that means.

Back to the subject of conventions, apparently a lot of godless New Yorkers were upset by a speaker at one of their conventions, and they felt the need to tell us.  A lot of the letters looked the same, which raised my suspicions.  They were confirmed when someone accidentally sent us the original template.
To the Editor:
I just (read about, heard about, actually listened to) John Horgan’s speech at the Northeast Conference on Science and Skepticism.  I am (any word, but avoid words that convey emotion, like “angry” or “outraged”).  Doesn’t he understand that we might fight belief in Bigfoot because (it promotes environmental policies that our biggest donors don’t like, forces skeptical shows off science cable channels, will bring about a dark age)?  Doesn’t he understand that Homeopathy (diverts money away from our organizations, promotes a foolish form of quantum physics, will bring about a dark age)?  Doesn’t he understand that UFO believers (end up committing suicide, are just like Christians, are working to bring about another dark age)?  (Obligatory slam of PZ Myers).  (Unfavorable comparison of John Horgan to Social Justice Warriors).  (Mention a great man in science) and John is not like (that man).  Listen to any great skeptical thinker, like (link to Orac blog post or Dr. Steven Novella’s blog post) to learn just how much of a poor thinker he is. John actually believes (world peace is possible, anti-depressants make people more depressed, there’s only one universe).  I call upon all reasonable, unemotional people to stand up and tell John to sit down
Your name here
Your city here
Do not mention New York City Skeptics anywhere in your letter.

Finally, if you’re one of the godless who miss the annual intersection wishful thinking and skepticism in Las Vegas, the Center for Inquiry has the answer for you.
To the Editor:
Are you a (insert community name here) skeptic who is in the closet?  Then come on out to CFICon!  Just like TAM, only in October!  We’ll even have James Randi give a speech.  We hope you’ll recall some of your amazing memories, and sign up for the next generation of amazing conventions!  Plus we have more female speakers than ever in the history of Las Vegas skeptical events!  Which means more females for you to talk to!  (Must abide by the code conduct.  Center for Inquiry cannot guarantee any interactions with a person of a gender identity you find attractive.)  Richard Dawkins will also present, which means you know who won’t be here!  So take a few days away from the uncritical masses, and join us for a fun-filled week as we struggle to preserve the enlightenment!
Not a CFI PR person
Not writing from ohwhoamikidding? 
Speaking only for myself, I wish the godless a happy convention season, and want to remind them that Jesus loves them, where they want him to or not.

Also in the Babbler:

Drew Peterson charged with attempting to hire alien assassins 
Trump party vows to ‘make Bolingbrook great again’
Men in Blue search for alien bank robber
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/28/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Hillary Clinton delivers concession speech at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton delivered her concession speech at Clow UFO Base following her narrow loss in the Democratic Party’s Interplanetary Primary.

“Thanks to your hard work, we accomplished our most important task: We prevented Senator Bernie Sanders from getting 100 percent of the delegates!  That means he’s going to lose the nomination!  This close vote means there’s no way my friends, I mean my superdelegates, I mean the superdelegates, will turn against me!”

Though some polls suggested she could win the Interplanetary Primary, Clinton lost by 5 votes.  This was the closest Interplanetary Primary result since Mike Gravel defeated then Senator Barack Obama by 100 votes back in 2008.  Sources within the Clinton campaign say she will not contest the result.

Despite the loss, the crowd enthustically greeted Clinton following an introduction by popular galactic blogger Stephanie Zvan.

“I’ve risked my reputation by supporting Hillary.”  said Zvan.  “Tonight, as I look out at all of your smiling faces, I’m proud to say, I’m with her!”

Much of her speech was spent attacking Donald Trump.

“The American people have a choice.  Do they want a President who wants to commit suicide by the hands of the Martian Colonies, or do they want a President who loves the Martian Colonists, even if they don’t love humanity back?”

Later in the speech, the crowd started cheering, “Feel the Bern,” after a Sanders supporter took over the audience promoter screens.  Security removed the man.

“Don’t hurt him.”  said Clinton.  “We don’t run those kinds of rallies.”

“Party unity my ass!”  the man yelled back.  “If Bernie can’t burn the system, Trump will!”

Hillary collected her self for a few seconds before responding.  “You know, there are many good people who supported my former opponent in the primary.  I look forward to meeting with them, and adding their energy and enthusiasm to our campaign.  I’m not going to talk about them now.  I’m going to talk about the Berniebros and their allies, the Berniebabes.  They don’t care about running a country.  They just want our country to burn, and I don’t want our country to burn.  I want it to be a burning beacon of hope!  

“My husband told me back in 1991, back in the dark days of the Reagan-Bush years, that if the Democrats ever wanted to win the White House back, we had to throw someone under the bus.  So we threw Jessie Jackson under the bus.  In 1996, we threw welfare recipients under the bus.  In 2008, I was thrown under the bus.  This year, I say to Bernie’s supporters, you have a choice: Get on the bus, or feel the crushing weight of the bus!”

After the speech, Clinton had a short meeting with alien ambassadors and business leaders, before flying back to New York.  She is expected to take a short break before the final primaries in early June.

Also in the Babbler:

George Smith denied asylum on Pluto
TSA to hire psychics to speed up screening
Chicago Skeptics to unveil 2016’s list of ‘un-awesome people’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/20/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, May 9, 2016

The Babbler interviews Donald Trump


By Reporter X

Editor’s note:  During Donald Trump’s recent visit to Clow UFO Base, presumptive Republican Nominee Donald J. Trump agreed to an interview with our Reporter X.  The following is an excerpt from that interview.  The full interview can be found in this week’s print edition.

Reporter X:  Thank you for taking the time to talk to us.

Trump:  Of course.  (Mayor Roger Claar) said I shouldn’t talk to you.  So I’m talking to you.  You see, Roger is not a smart guy right now, but he could be smart.  It just goes to show that you don’t have to be smart to run a UFO base.  You know, I wanted my own UFO Base back in the 1990s.  It would have been bigger than this place, and have more class.  So I asked the Order of the New World if I could have one, and they said I needed the President’s approval.  I knew he wouldn’t, because he’s so weak that he doesn’t have the courage to give me a base, because he knows I can do a better job than he can.  So I decided to run for President so I could have my own base.  Now I realize how dumb our leaders are, so I want to do more than run my own glorious UFO Base.  I want to rule the planet.  But not be the policeman of the world, but I will attack if I feel like it.  

Reporter X:  That’s a lot to take in.

Trump:  I don’t do anything small.  Just look at my tower in downtown Chicago.  I could have made it the tallest building in the world if it weren’t for the politicians in Chicago.  They’re crooked.  No wonder the people on the North Side are killing each other.  They’re—

Reporter X:  Let’s get back to what you said about the Mayor.

Trump:  What did you just do?  What you just did?

Reporter X:  Me?  I’m asking aa follow up question.

Trump:  A follow up question?

Reporter X:  Yes.  I want to talk more about what you said earlier.

Trump:  I’ve been interviewed by many smart people.  Good people.  They just ask me a question, let me talk, and then ask the next question.  None of this following up business.  The smart ones don’t ask follow up questions.  That’s dumb!

Reporter X:  We prefer to think of it as old-fashioned journalism.  

Trump:  In the old days, journalists knew how to put bad people in their place.  Especially in the South—

Reporter X:  OK!  Let’s get back to—

Trump:  No smart person interrupts me!  You are must not be smart!  Smart people let me talk.

Reporter X:  Then let’s talk about Mayor Roger Claar.

Trump:  He could be a smart person if he renounced his past support for Jeb Bush. Instead he won’t talk to me.  Donald Trump has gotten more votes in one year, than he’s gotten in his entire career.  Sad. I should tweet that.

Reporter X:  There’s a difference between running for President and running for mayor of a village.

Trump:  I bring in new people to the Republican Party.  How many new people has Roger brought to Bolingbrook?

Reporter X:  Quite a few, but let’s move on.  You’ve been familiar with aliens since the 1990s.  As President, what will be your interstellar policy, and do you stand by your threat to bomb the Martian Colonies?

Trump:  Let me make this clear.  I love little green men!  I love all of them.

Reporter X:  You do realize that many aliens consider that an insult.

Trump:  Are you bleeding political correctness from unmentionable places?  Look, I’m speaking to smartest people, and I am only going to surround myself with the best people.  Alex Jones will be my representative to the New World Order.

Reporter X:  But he hates the New World Order.

Trump:  He’s the best.  And Art Bell will be my advisor on alien stuff.

Reporter X:  Art Bell is well known in among the general public, but the Republican Party has a covert team of extraterrestrial experts with decades of experience.  Why not use them to help you.

Trump:  They’re the establishment, and this campaign is about the people empowering me reorganize world.  In fact, the American People will know I’m serious when I announce Meatloaf as my running mate!  There’s no way Hillary can counter our ticket.  Everyone who is not Fox News will realize that I am the only man to beat, and I’m serious about defeating Hillary (expletive deleted) Clinton!  Are you still dumb enough to ask another follow up question.

Reporter X:  Oh yes.

Trump:  Bolingbrook Babbler.  I’ve never seen a printed copy.  Bad web site.  Lost it’s audience since it stopped being nice to atheist thought leaders.  Pathetic.

Also in the Babbler:

Cook County complains about it’s alien abduction quota
Bolingbrook warned not to start a civil war
No alien bathroom bills for Bolingbrook say sources
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/12/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

New World Order dismisses complaint against Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

The New World Order dismisses a complaint about UFO traffic over Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

“Clow UFO Base is the reason Bolingbrook exists.”  Read the Executor’s ruling.  “If you don’t like UFOs, don’t live in Bolingbrook!  If you don’t want to be abducted, don’t sleep anywhere on Earth.”

The anonymous Bolingbrook residents complained that since Clow was recertified as an Intergalactic Space Port, UFO traffic has quadrupled over the past month.  Local alien abductions, they claim, have increased by 625 percent.

“I don’t feel safe in my home, in my car, or on the sidewalk.”  Wrote one of the complainants.  “Even a generous award from the NWO Good Neighbors Fund might not be enough to let me heal from the trauma of living so close to a UFO Base.”

The Executor said all Bolingbrook residents are aware of the inconveniences of living within the operating radius of a UFO base.  “All you have to do is read the Bolingbrook Babbler to know that the odds of participating in a sample return study are greater in Bolingbrook.  Just because a resident may not believe the Babbler, does not mean a resident is now aware of the content of the Babbler.  The complaint is without merit.”

The Executor also struck down their claim that Clow UFO Base increases the odds of Bolingbrook being involved in an alien war.

“You are more likely to see Jamie Kilstein endorse Donald Trump than you are to be killed in an alien conflict.”

Village Attorney Jim Boan praised the ruling.  “We demonstrated why Clow is not only largest urban UFO Base in the world, it is also the best run urban UFO base in the world.  Real Bolingbrook residents are proud of Clow UFO Base.”

In a separate ruling, the NWO decided to let the lawsuit against Clow Airport proceed.

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar denied the existence of the New World Order, and said Claar refuses to ever be interviewed by the Babbler again.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Hello Hillary Campaign?  Can you pretend to accidentally post a sign in my yard, and I’ll pretend to be outraged?”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook braces for influx of pro-Tump Canadians
Pro-alien super PAC to make donation to Mayor Claar
Chicago ponders adding cyborgs to police force
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/6/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Gov. John Kasich vows to ban abortion at all US UFO bases

By Reporter X

Ohio Governor and Republican Presidential candidate John Kasich announced that if elected President, he would ban abortion at all UFO bases in the United States.

“I wanted to name a fetus as my running mate, but my advisors said that was unconstitutional.  So this is the next best thing.”

During the press conference at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, Kasich touted the closing of half of  Ohio’s abortion clinics as proof that he can end abortions at UFO bases.

“While Donald Trump is winning states, and Ted Cruz is naming a failed business woman as his vice-presidential candidate, I’m talking about the only issue that matters!  I want to make sure that no alien fetus is ever aborted!”

Extraterrestrial reporters, who struggled to pronounce his last name, questioned how he could keep this promise.  Especially since many interstellar treaties require abortion access at all bases.

“Simple.” he replied.  “I slowly start passing more and more regulations regarding abortions.  Before Planned Parenthood can complain, abortions will become practically impossible to perform.  It’s working in Ohio, and with my unlimited authority as President, I can do it faster!”

During the conference, a protester shouted about its abortion.

“If I had given birth to my offspring, it would have devoured all life on Earth!  My abortion saved your life!”

Kasich smiled, and said, “Wow.  Someone cares enough about my candidacy to protest!”

Men in Black also arrested an alien who they accused of trying to impregnate Kasich.  The being never got closer than 2000 yards from Kasich.

Thomas Xavier, Director of UFO Base Operations, laughed at the announcement.  “This is a desperate attempt by a fail politician to garner the support of Alex Jones voters in Indiana!  He knows full well that the President has no power to regulate abortions at UFO Bases.  The New Order supports abortion access and this is one of the few things we believe humanity should have a choice about.”  Xavier later added, “The Illuminati has already decided who the Republican nominee will be.  Spoiler alert:  It’s not him.”

When asked to comment, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar replied, “As much as it would help my mayoral campaign, I will not accept any nomination from the Republican Convention, if it were held today.”

Also in the Babbler:

Atheist leader blames aliens for making her embezzle money
Male ‘facial enhancement’ company considers Bolingbrook factory
Superheroes plan protest at ‘Civil War’ premiere
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/30/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Village of Bolingbrook braces for contested Presidential conventions

Chief Tom Ross grimly watches the monitors showing the chaos inside and around Bolingbrook.  Pro-Ted Cruz militias celebrate after seizing Clow Airport.  Militant Pro-Hillary Clinton Meetup groups control The Promenade.  Bernie Sanders supporters dance in the parking lot as Bolingbrook High School burns.
“The whole world is Berning!”  One protestor yells at a security camera.

Military units loyal to Donald Trump lay siege on Mayor Roger Claar’s home, demanding that he acknowledge Trump as the one true Republican nominee.  Claar’s repeated offers of alcohol to the troops are refused.

Feeling slighted by Hillary Clinton, Black Lives Matter protesters have shutdown all highways in the major cities.  Hundreds are blocking the interchange between I-355 and I-55.

Deputy Mayor Leroy Brown, severely wounded, limps into the command center to assume command.  Seconds later, a video message from Republican nominee appears on the screen.

“You guys are doing a heck of a job.”  said Jeb Bush.  “You don’t need my help to fix things.”

This was one of many scenarios gamed out by the Public Safety Department.  According to sources within the department, the village needs to be prepared in case both the Democratic and Republican conventions become brokered conventions.  Some officials fear that Democratic voters could rise up if the Super Delegates have the deciding vote for the nomination.  There are also concerns that Donald Trump supporters could rise up if the nomination vote goes past the first round.

“If there is even a .0001 percent chance that this country will descend into anarchy if both parties don’t have a scripted national convention, we have to be prepared.”  said one source.  “The only warning we might get are Bernie Sanders supporters throwing fire bombs at Village Hall.”

Another source agrees that the village should be prepared.

“If Bernie supporters think the establishment has stolen this election, they might be tempted to become revolutionaries.  And I don’t mean the kind that sell newspapers in Chicago.  I mean that kind that are willing to kill people until they’ve taken over the government.  Never mind that he was the one who put the super delegates into a position to decide this election.  On the other hand, Hillary’s supporters might be driven over the edge if she loses a second time.  They might hire people to convert their harmless drones into killer drones.  We could have drone warfare in our country.  Drone warfare should only happen in other less developed countries.  Not here!”

When asked to comment, a receptionist for Claar denied that the village was preparing for a violent uprising.

“Really guys.”  she said.  “We both know that the American people are too apathetic to start a revolution today.  They’ll just treat the conventions as an expensive reality show.  When its over, they’ll go back to their lives.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar could be heard talking on the phone.


“Hi Doctor.  The State Republican Committee says I can’t skip the Republican convention unless I’m having surgery that week.  Can you schedule a surgery for me?  I don’t care.  Just something that gets me out of the convention.  Besides brain surgery!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.