Monday, July 21, 2014

Manchester Mumbler: Professor Richard Dawkins suspended from the Interstellar Internet

The following is from our sister publication, The Manchester Mumbler, out of Manchester, UK.  The spelling has been Americanized.  

MI 68a today revoked Professor Richard Dawkins’ access to the Tachyon Information Exchange Network, or the so-called “Interstellar Internet.”

 A man who claims to be the spokesperson for the Richard Dawkins Foundation denounced the decision.

“Professor Dawkins admits to no wrong doing, and suspects that this is the result of a conspiracy by members of the Islamic and feminist communities!  While he denounces the British Government’s decision to back down to ISIS and Skepchick, he will not fight the suspension for the sake of greater peace in the skeptical community.”

According to sources within the MI 68a, Dawkins will be suspended from the Network for five years, unless he can provide notes from three psychologists that he will “responsibly use the network for the advancement of human knowledge.”

A statement from MI 68a read, “While Richard Dawkins is a brilliant biologist, we feel that he is a dunce when it comes to interstellar relations.  We hope he will spend the next five years educating himself on proper interstellar etiquette.”

The MI 68a sources say the problem started when Dawkins started sending short, insulting, messages over the network.

To the ambassador of Pluto, he messaged, “Just because you live on a sphere, does not automatically make it a planet.  Can lice claim that a human head is planet because it is round?”

He sent messages about Gliese 581G.

“It’s too bad this planet doesn’t exist.  I wanted to send all the Islamists there, and no, that does not make me racist!  Islam is not a race, and therefore I am free to use British common sense when talking about them.”

When an alien merchant told Dawkins that Gliese 581G is a real planet and a popular tourist attraction, Dawkins replied, “Be offended, because I will take the word of an Earth scientist over an alien simpleton!  Science is always superior, no matter what world you say you are from.”

The sources confirm that MI 68a decided that Dawkins went too far when he started “flirting” with a member of the anti-vaccination terrorist group KukPu’K.  KukPu’k is accused distributing anti-vaccination propaganda on “primitive worlds” until the civilization loses heard immunity.  Then they release a deadly disease  that normally would be kept in check with vaccinations.

According to the sources, Dawkins started promoting a video from a KuPu’K member who was wearing a wig of human blonde hair.  In the video, the alien has a pretend conversation where the insane person argues that muslims be given vaccinations, while the reasonable position is that muslims shouldn’t receive vaccines because they are terrorists, anti-science, and secretly want to take over the world.

“This woman speaks more sense than all of YouTube combined!”  Dawkins allegedly messaged.

Said one source, “That is when he went over the line!  Normally, a human can be framed for a crime against humanity for even appearing to support KuPu’K.  Since he’s Richard Dawkins, he was just suspended from the network.”

When reached for comment, Dawkins denied that he ever had access to the “Interstellar Internet.”  

“Now that I think about, I guess I am privileged.  Most Doctor Who fans would pay almost anything just to get their picture taken with Romana.  Not only am I married to her, but I can date other women too!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Letters to the editor 7/13/14 Edition

Reader’s Editor Doug Fields here.  It’s been awhile since we’ve had a decent batch of letter to print.  I guess our readers are recovering from the storms and flooding over the past month.  Understandable.  One must be totally focused on their writing if they want to get past me, or write something so horrible that it must be published as a warning to others.

Which brings us to the James Randi Educational Foundation.  They’ve been excited since the release of their documentary about famed skeptic James Randi.  Now it’s the conclusion of their annual conference and I’m sure the remaining staff are fired up, as well as their followers.  They must be so fired up because that is the only reason I can think of for why we’re receiving a bunch of incomplete form letters from Las Vegas.

To (insert name of editor or blogger): 
Why are did you (write an unapproved article/rage blog) about The Amazing Meeting?  Why did you focus on the (insert photo or speech that offended feminists/followers of woo)?  We are part of a proud tradition that includes (insert name of famous ancient philosopher), (Insert the name of one of the four horsemen of atheism), James Randi, and (insert a woman/minority name if you can think of one)!  Don’t focus on the irrational hate fostered by (select Skepchick or Freethought Blogs)!  Focus on us!  The true skeptics!  The true (any word but worshipers/followers) of James Randi! 
Now that we have (any word but purged) the fake skeptics from our ranks, we are stronger and more united than ever!  Followers of (any euphemism for feminism) fear us online!  We are driving modern day woo off the Internet! We cannot and will not be stopped! 
Why don’t you stop hiding behind your (blog/publication) and face us?  We invited Deepak Chopra to speak at TAM 2015.  We’re inviting you to speak too.  You have not excuse not to speak to us?  What could you be afraid of?  Do you fear us because we have an unofficial wild party that has bacon, doughnuts and strippers?  Are you afraid because we don’t hold back our passion for reason and our rage against (any other word to describe Misandry)? Are you afraid of the constant (debate/criticism/facts/challenge/reasoned discussion) you’ll have to deal with every single day of TAM!  Well if you have any doubts about addressing us, then you should shut up and listen to us! 
(Add your own statement) 
(Your Name)
Sounds like inviting, but we’ll pass.  Though we will admit it is clever to try to use Chopra’s followers to boost attendance at TAM.

Speaking of skeptics, here is a Chicago area skeptic, who we doubt is a member of Chicago Skeptics.
To the Editor: 
The media keeps saying that Chicago has a shooting problem!  We’ll I’ve never been shot at in the years I’ve lived in Chicago.  My Chicago friends have never been shot at.  So why does the media keep reporting this? 
I’ll tell you why!  It’s a conspiracy!  The gun companies want to sell more guns in Chicago.  The mayor wants residents so afraid that they’ll support any gun law he proposes.  Together they seed the media with fake stories.  The media, desperate for stories that will draw an audience, runs these stories.  Now we have a situation where everyone is afraid of Chicago!
Well I’m not afraid.  Next weekend I’m going to march around the South side of Chicago wearing a shirt that says, “I feel safe in Chicago!  I’m not a North Sider.  I’m not a South Sider.  I am a Chicagoan!” 
Who wants to join me? 
(Name withheld by request)

I think we’ll pass.  Maybe Chicago shooting denier is a better term for this reader.

Do you think you have what it takes to get your letter printed in The Babbler.  Send us an e-mail at BolingbrookBabbler at gmail dot com.  Anyone can leave a comment, but only a select few can have a published letter to the editor!

Also in The Babbler:

Soviets successfully cancel Taste of Chicago
Department of Interstellar Affairs insists Bolingbrook’s alien invasion alert system works
Rosemont braces for invasion of secular humanists

God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/19/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Aliens arrested at Bolingbrook Hobby Lobby

By Reporter X

The Men in Blue arrested four aliens who were protesting inside the Bolingbrook Hobby Lobby.  The four are charged with lying on their visitor pass applications and removing their human disguises in public.

Explained Paul Z. Coker, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, “While our visitors have the privilege of shopping at our fine stores, they are expected to follow the rules.  These visitors did not follow the rules, and they will be reeducated.”

According to anonymous eyewitness and store employees, the four aliens, disguised as human women, took over $1000 worth of products and tired to walk out of the store.  When security officers stopped them at the exit, the aliens insisted that the had the right to take Hobby Lobby’s products without paying for them.

“They actually cited the Hobby Lobby decision.”  Said one eyewitness.  “These people said that they wanted the products, but didn’t want their money to go towards a Christian business, or towards (Mayor Roger Claar’s) campaign fund.  They argued that the law against stealing placed an undue burden on their religiously motivated desire to have Hobby Lobby products and not pay for them.  Then they said that if Hobby Lobby could get an employee health insurance tax break even though they won’t provide conceptive coverage as required by law, then they could steal from the store.”

One of the security guards said that the Hobby Lobby decision was too complicated for their “female brains” to understand.  The aliens, in response, discarded their disguises and preaching about the health benefits of being part of a hive mind.  Most of the customers fled the store in horror.

Minutes later, The Men in Blue arrived and quickly arrested the men.  The eyewitnesses were given a choice of being mind wiped or not to tell anyone about the incident except for The Babbler.

“They said no one believes The Babbler.  I think they’re right.”  Said another eyewitness.

Plo Nast, a lawyer representing the four aliens, says it plans to argue that the aliens were acting in accordance with the law.

“The US’s 14th Amendment says everyone must be treated equally.  That includes aliens.  So the Hobby Lobby decision applies to my clients.  All my clients have to do is swear that they sincerely believe that their religion compels them to liberate Hobby Lobby product, and the charges will be dismissed!”

Coker replied that aliens are only covered by the New World Order's rules, and that Earth government laws do not apply to them.

When asked to comment, Claar hung up the phone once he heard the question was about Hobby Lobby.

A Hobby Lobby employee, who asked not to be identified, said he agreed with the aliens, but felt their protest was misguided.

“We should just have a single payer system so I can get my insurance without my boss interfering.  I can always help vote in a new government.  I can’t vote for a new supervisor.”

Also in The Babbler:

Skepchicks arrested in Minneapolis
Minnesota Talking Land Squids rescue Bolingbrook baby from drowning
Aliens arrested after unsuccessful attack against Illinois capitol building

God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/13/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook declares ‘Occupation Buffer Zone’ for Fourth of July weekend

Sources within Bolingbrook's Village Hall claim that Mayor Roger Claar will create an “Occupation Buffer Zone” for the Fourth of July Weekend.  According to the sources, anyone who wishes to perform “actions consistent with the Occupy Movement” must stay at least 300 feet outside of Bolingbrook’s borders.  Anyone caught “occupying” within Bolingbrook will be arrested and held over the weekend.

“We want our residents to have a patriotic weekend during which any resident can display their love of America without fear of violence or harassment.”  Said one of the sources.  

The sources agree that the village is creating the buffer zone in response to “usually reliable intelligence contacts” that Occupy members would try to “counsel” residents over the weekend.  The contacts said that some of the “counseling” could take on each resident’s property.

“Imagine trying to enjoy a barbecue with your family, and some jerk is trying to shove pictures of dead suspected terrorists in your face.”  Said one source.  “Can you imagine trying to wave your American flag while some idiot is calling you names and demanding that you accept environmental communism as  your only hope of salvation?  I don’t know about you, but I want an unoccupied weekend with my family.”

The same source also defended the legality of the buffer zone.

“We’re a village, not an abortion clinic!  If the Supreme Court can have a buffer zone, then so can we!”

When asked to comment, Claar replied, “I think the residents should occupy their Fourth of July by going to the 2014 All American Celebration at the Bolingbrook Golf Club!”

No one from Occupy Bolingbrook could be reached for comment.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Chicagoland celebrates Pride: A Babbler Special Report

Six UFOs observe the Chicago Pride Parade on Sunday.

On Sunday thousands of Chicagoland residents celebrated Pride, a celebration of the gay lesbian, bisexual and transsexual communities.  The Babbler sent out a team of reporters to cover the first Chicago pride event held since Illinois legalized same-sex marriage.

UFOs fly over Chicago Pride Parade

By Reporter X

The LBGT Union of Interstellar Pilots flew over the Chicago Pride parade in show of solidarity.

“I’m glad progress is being made on Earth.”  Said Gigop, Mind One of the Union.  “Sadly, there are places on Earth where humans, and visitors can be killed for who they love.”

Parade participants who were either psychic, or happened to be looking at the right place, saw a squadron of 5 UFOs fly over the parade route.  The squadron performed the pink triangle formation, the spinning lights formation, and merge into a mothership formation.  For their final flyover, the craft did a missing craft formation in honor of the human victims of anti-gay hate crimes.

Paul, who asked that we not use his last name, was excited to witness the spacecraft.

“I though I was drunk, but thanks to you guys, I now know I was just seeing aliens.  I’m awed to know that there are gay aliens watching over us!”

Record number of ghosts march at Chicago Pride Parade

An estimated 300 ghosts marched at the 2014 Chicago Pride Parade, beating the previous record of 30 in 2000.

Doug, who asked that we not use his last name, claimed to have photographed a group of ghosts.

“I took a picture, and when I looked at the screen, I saw bunch of circles.  I realized that they were orbs!  I took a picture of marching ghosts!  They have to put me on one of those paranormal shows now!”

A medium, who to be in contact with one of the ghosts, said they were very pleased with the progress the living have made with gay rights.

“Some of marchers died believing they suffered from a mental illness.  Others died of AIDS due to the government’s slow response to the crisis.  Today they are happy that gays can marry each other.  There is still work to be done, but they appreciate the progress that has been made.”

A skeptic in the crowd, however, doubted that there were ghosts at the parade.

“Oh my God!  This is a photograph with a bunch of over-saturated pixels.  There are no ghosts in this.  Plus just because someone claims to be a psychic, doesn’t mean they are.  If they think they have proof of ghosts, they should apply for the Million Dollar Challenge!”

Cyborg fails to stop Pride March

Chicago police detained an alleged cyborg who tried to stop the Pride March.

According to sources, the cyborg walked in front of the parade staging point, and demanded that everyone go home.

“You should not demand gay rights at home until the other countries in the world support gay rights!”

At great personal risk, the officers tackled the man and used a taser on him.  Chicago police officers on the scene defended that action.

“Sure he could have been drunk, or he could have been a Terminator.  You can never be too careful around here.  Besides, a lot of people fought and died for the rights we are celebrating today!  We’re not going to let a cyborg spoil this parade!”

The man is currently under the care of Chicago Red Squad, and may be released sometime this week.  They denied that he was from the future.

Also in The Babbler:

Former Bolingbrook Mayor celebrates 45 years of marriage
Downers Grove woman fired for refusing to distribute subliminal ads
Bolingbrook police defuse anti-vaccination bomb in Bolingbrook

God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/2/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Ghost truck frightens Bolingbrook residents

File image of a truck.
Eyewitnesses claim to have seen a driverless semi-truck near RT 53 and I-55.

“I was driving back to Bolingbrook when my son noticed a truck behind us.”  Said Paula, who asked that we not use her last name.  “My son started motioning for the truck to honk its horn.  It did.  Then I looked back, and saw there was no driver!  The truck was honking and moving by itself!  Let me tell you, I’ve never driven so fast in my life!”

Charlie, who didn’t give his last name, also claimed he saw the driverless truck.  

“I was going to turn left on to 53, and I saw this driverless truck behind me.  I stared at it in amazement!  Then it honked at me!  I thought it was trying to talk to me, but then I realized it was just telling me that the light had turned green.”

After getting out of the way of the truck, Charlie pulled into a parking lot, and called 911.

“The dispatcher said I was abusing 911.  I told her to shut up and call Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs.  There was a haunted truck in Bolingbrook and she needed to do her job.  She hung up.  The next day, a police officer visited me and warned me not to talk about driverless trucks to anyone, except The Babbler, of course.”

Neil, a long haul truck driver, says he saw the truck at the I-55 Auto/Truck Plaza.  He confirms that it had no driver, but it was occupied.  According to Neil, a young man stepped out of the truck and filled it with gas.  He then struck up a conversation with Neil.  The man told Neil that the truck was part of a secret Microsoft project to create automated trucks.  The man said that if the truck was successful, it would revolutionize the trucking industry, allow Bing Maps to overtake Google Maps, and lower transportation costs.

“I am the future of trucking.”  The man allegedly said.  “While you’re trying to stay awake and not get lost, I’m playing video games, blogging, taking online courses, and getting paid to do nothing except pump gas, and reboot the system if it crashes.  You know what the best part is?  It has no blind spots!  So it’s actually safer on the road than your truck!”

Said Charlie, “That’s the really frightening thing about this truck!  It could cost me my job!”

A spokesperson for Microsoft refused to comment, but did mention an article on the Vox web site about automated trucks.

Also in The Babbler:

Atheists threaten to build monument to Richard Dawkins in Bolingbrook
Soviets fail to drown Chicago
Michi the lake monster dies

God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/26/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Clow UFO Base accepts evacuees from Iraqi UFO base

UFO flees Iraq for Bolingbrook, IL.
(Enhanced from REUTERS/Nour Fourat photo)
By Reporter X

Approximately 400 human and alien evacuees from Iraq’s X259 UFO Base arrived at Clow UFO Base over the weekend.  The New World Order evacuated the base following the fall of the Iraqi city of Mosul to forces from the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria.  

“Let me stress that this is not a refugee crisis.”  Said Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar, who is the head administrator of Clow UFO Base.  “This is a last minute administrative reallocation of extraterrestrial space craft on Earth.  This happens all the time.  It just so happened that a civil war made the New World Order reconsider its plans sooner then intended.”

Claar stressed that Clow had plenty of room and supplies for the arriving evacuees.

According to eyewitnesses, X259, which is located 70 miles SW of Mosul, was under the protection of the Iraqi military and security forces under contract to the New World Order.  When the city fell, the troops started abandoning their posts.

Xo Go Po of Proxima Centauri described the initial shock.

“The troops were taking off their uniforms and driving away.  I asked why, and they said that they their job was to make visitors feel safe.  Not to actually defend us.  Especially against violent militants like ISIS.  The troops told me that they were too violent even al-Qaeda. They said they’d rather take their chances in the desert than face them.”

Other eyewitnesses confirm that after the troops departed, the contractors started demanding more money to protect the base.

Another eyewitness, who asked not to be identified explained, “I heard the security forces say they knew what happened to captured government troops.  They said if the NWO would have to pay more if they wanted to avoid an interstellar incident.”

Various sources confirm that the NWO assessed the situation and decided to evacuate the base rather than risk it falling to ISIS.

“There is no risk of ISIS gaining alien technology.”  Said NWO Liaison Jeff Wagg.  “We even destroyed the underground bunkers after emptying them!”

While all the evacuees expressed relief to be out of Iraq, many were angry that they had to be evacuated in the first place.

“The NWO said we would be safe in Iraq!”  Said Po.  “They said we could study the origin of human civilization in peace.  Now we’re in a suburb of Chicago.  Chicago and Bolingbrook are nice, but they are not the cradle of civilization!”

Wagg defended the NWO’s decision to operate a UFO Base in Iraq.

“Then President George Bush promised to inject microchips into the Iraqi people to subdue them.  Based on that promise, we built the base.  We since learned that the chips didn’t work, and were made by the same company that built phony bomb detectors.  We tried to make the best of a bad situation, and now we feel that a temporary evacuation of the base is the best course of action.”

Wagg also defended the NWO’s situation of Iraq.

“We’re doing our best in the face of Illuminati resistance .  There’s a saying in our organization.  Just because we give new orders doesn’t mean everyone will follow them.  It is just going to take us a few more years to get everyone in the Middle East to follow our orders.”

Claar also assured Bolingbrook’s residents that the evacuees won’t cause any local problems.

“Don’t think of them as refugees.  Think of them as potential customers and job creators!”

Also in The Babbler:

Aliens peacefully enjoy the World Cup
Babbler welcomes new animal hospital to Bolingbrook
Aliens promise not to bring death rays to new shooting range

God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/19/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.