Monday, September 28, 2015

Over 100 arrested at Game of Thrones live action role-playing game in Bolingbrook

"Wildfire" as seen in Game of Thrones.

What started as a live action role-playing game based on Game of Thrones ended in arrests and possibly $1 million dollars in damages.

“I thought they were just going to wear fancy costumes, and play Rock Paper Scissors all night.”  Said Carl Z. Winchester, owner of the Winchester Hotel in Bolingbrook.  “I didn’t expect a full scale war!”

Eyewitness said the “LARP” seemed innocent at first.  Larry, who asked that we not use his last name, said he first noticed a problem, when he encountered three players in a kitchen.

“I told them to leave.  A player, wearing a fake beard, walked up to me, and said, ‘Don’t you know who he is?  He’s Stannis Baratheon, the one true king of Westeros!  You must kneel before your king!’  I protested, but stopped when the Stannis player started talking.  He must have a throat problem.  Anyway, he said this.  ‘I think he has royal blood!’  Then a women in a red dress approached.  She said I could either look at the burner flames, or I could be cooked on the burner.  I ran away instead.

Another witness claimed he overheard a conversation between a man and a women.

“Ew!”  Said the man

“Ew!”  Said the woman.  “I can’t role-play this.”

“I know.  George RR Martin must have grown up as an only child.  I don’t believe he really has sisters.”

“I know.  Anyway, lets not role-play this, then tell everyone we role-played it.”

“Great!  Because I don’t like throwing up!”

Another witness claimed he saw a player tied up to a wooden “X” and another player holding a toy knife.  The player holding the knife was arguing with a man wearing a Game of Thrones t-shirt.

“The rules clearly state that a member of House Bolton must spend willpower to avoid committing a depraved act when the opportunity presents itself.  I’m all out of willpower, so I have to torture him!”

Joan, a guest at the Winchester, a woman escorted by four men, and three people dressed as dragons.  The dragon players randomly set off their aerosol flamethrowers whenever someone approached them.

“Make way!”  One of the escorted yelled.  “Make way for the Targaryen restoration!”

After many complaints from guests, including reports of a man wearing many masks asking guests to drink from his cup, Winchester decided to investigate.  On the way to the gamer’s floor, he encountered a player holding two cans of gasoline.  Winchester demanded to know what the player was doing.

“I”m stocking up on wildfire!”

Winchester left and then returned with all of the hotel’s security guards.  Winchester handed a copy of the contract to the woman who thought was in charge.

“I told her she and her friends had to leave because they were in violation of the contract.  I couldn’t believe this.  She tore up the contract and said, ‘You think a piece of paper can protect you?’  I started yelling at her, but then a gang of people wearing grey robes attacked us with clubs.  When I came to my senses, we were nude, and being marched outside.  Now that’s embarrassing!”

After finding shelter, Winchester called the Bolingbrook police who then called the Will County SWAT Team.  The team arrived and surrounded the hotel.  After demanding their surrender, a group of players, calling themselves the “Iron Born,” exited the building and said they would surrender if the police promised not to flay them.  The police agreed.

Many of the “Iron Born” asked to speak with Officer Stark.

“They said they were sorry they invaded my lands, and betrayed my family.  I didn’t know what they were talking about, but I was glad they surrendered.  That’s all that counts.”

After a 40 minute standoff, a player yelled, “Winter is here and the White Walkers approach!  Man the wall and defend the realms of Man!”  The players then lobbed molotov cocktails at the police, and ignited pools of gasoline.  Minutes later, players dressed in black fake leather armor, charged at police officers.  Police, using tear gas, riot shields and clubs, managed to repulse the attack, and get inside the smokey building.  Eventually all the gamers were arrested, and firefighters managed to save the hotel.

Thomas Z. Jones, the organizer of the game, was heading yelling to the public as he was taken into custody.  Eyewitnesses say he yelled that he was tired of “summer children” playing their boring computer games, and he was glad that once in his life he got to play a “true game of winter!”  He also added, “Winter is here!  It was glorious, and we were ready!”

All the gamers are still being held at the Will County jail, pending a bail hearing.  Sources within the jail say the players are getting into fights over the fate of the character, John Snow.  Some say he’s dead, while others claim he’ll be back as John Stark.

“I’ve never seen so much fighting in here before.”  Said an anonymous guard.  “It’s enough to make me cancel my HBO subscription.  How can one show make people be so violent.

Anonymous sources within the Bolingbrook police department warn that some players are roaming Bolingbrook still playing their characters.  They sources say that they never heard the game over signal from Jones, and will keep playing their characters until they are told to stop.

“Don’t try to confront these players.  Call the police if you see them.  Even the Sansa Stark player can be deadly.  Don’t let her bad luck fool you!”

While trying to reach Mayor Roger Claar, his receptionist denied there was a Winchester Hotel in Bolingbrook, and denied that there was a riot in Bolingbrook.

“We planned Bolingbrook so that it is almost impossible to walk around town.  If you can’t walk you can’t riot!”

In the background a man who sounded like Claar said, “Now lets try this again.  What is your name?”


“What do you want with me?”

“Hodor!  Hodor!”

“Look.  I said I would listen to every resident, but that was with the assumption that they would speak in complete sentences!  Can you do that?”

“Hodor hodor hodor hodor!”

“I need a drink.”

Also in the Babbler:

Soviets fail to destroy the moon
Local werewolves celebrate “blood moon”
Claar visits moon during eclipse.

God spares the world this week!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, September 21, 2015

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Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Rochelle Reader: Creston bans extraterrestrial modified golf carts from car show

By Reporter X

Creston’s alien residents will not be allowed to show off their modified golf carts during Creston Booster Days.

“As much as we like the money the New World Order gives Creston to house these aliens, their modified golf carts are a nuisance!” Said an anonymous member of the Creston Booster Club. “By allowing them to show off their modified golf clubs, we would be condoning the reckless behavior some of these aliens engage in.”

Giz Blook, an alien residing in Creston, disagrees with the decision.

“Golf carts are awesome! Once you take out the inefficient human battery, and replace it with singularity reactor or a real battery, you can do anything with them. Sure, some of my neighbors like to have fun with them, which seems to be illegal in Creston. But most golf cart moders are responsible beings. I just use the cloaking device and anti-gravity wheels on my cart to quickly commute to (UFO base) Hub 35.” 

Other Creston residents have complained about the modified golf carts.

Tim, who asked that we not use his last name, said he was nearly run over by two such carts.

“I know I shouldn’t have been out after 9:30 PM, but that’s another story. Anyway, I was walking down Cedarholm ST when these two carts skidded around the corner. The drivers were swinging swords at each other, and weren’t looking at me. I had to dive into a ditch to avoid being run over. Of all the places to have a chariot race, why our streets? 

An employee at Headon’s, who asked not to be identified, claims an alien in a modified cart bothered her.

“I was maintaining the fire out back when one of those golf carts flew over me. It missed me by a few inches. Then a few minutes later, it flew over me again. I yelled at him. Her. I don’t know. Anyway, I yelled that it should knock it off. It landed next to me. I have to admit, I didn’t know what would happen. I was scared. Instead of pointing a gun at me, he pointed his finger at the American flag attached to the back of his cart. It said, ‘I am flying the flag of the United States of America. That means I can do no wrong!’ What a jerk!”

When asked to comment, an anonymous source at Creston’s village hall said, “Golf carts are as much a part of Creston as corn is. We just ask that everyone follow the rules and use them responsibly. Now stop asking me about aliens!”

While alien modified golf carts are banned from Booster Days, a source says there will be an aliens presence at Booster Days.

“During the fireworks display, a UFO will be present. It will be part of a contest. The first person to take a clear photo of the UFO, and printed by the Illinois MUFON site will win a special prize from the New World Order!”

Also in the Rochelle Reader:

Aliens warned not to ‘harvest’ local farmers’ crops
Jesus spotted at Abrahams Bar and Grille
Pro -islamic bat captured in Ogle County
God to bless Rochelle on 9/16/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

CFI Chicago's feline fellows to speak at Reason Rally 2016

Center for Inquiry fellow Anti-psychic Kitty.
Center for Inquiry’s Chicago branch announced that their three feline fellows, Andy, Anti-psychic Kitty, and Cassie, will be speaking at Reason Rally 2016.

Said CFI Chicago President Carl Z. Stroger, “We are honored to send our three furry fellows to Washington DC for this historic event.  CFI is committed to diversity, and nothing says diversity like cats!”

The Reason Rally, which starts with special events on June 1 through 3 and concludes with the rally on June 4, is intended to show the support for atheists and the “dream of a future where people are free to express rational and reasonable views without the fear of reprisal, retaliation, or retribution!”  

The cats, who communicate through special collars, said they are excited to be a part of Reason Rally.

“Cats have a strong tradition of freethinking.”  Said Cassie.  “We were not domesticated.  We simply choose to live with humans.  So it only rational that CFI would send us as representatives of the freethought movement.”

CFI will host a secret VIP event on June 3, where the cats will give presentations. 

Anti-psychic Kitty and James Randi will judge a psychic demonstration.  A prospect that excites Anti-Psychic Kitty.

“Randi created all of the animals fellows!  He made me to be the most skeptical creature on Earth.  I radiate so much anti-psychic energy that any psychic who tries to use their power will become so frustrated that their head will explode.  Literally!  I hope to demonstrate that in DC!”

Andy and Richard Dawkins will discuss the evolution of felines.

“It will be a really honor to work with Richard.  His top secret genetics work helped create us for the (James Randi Educational Foundation)!  He’s not so bad when he’s off Twitter.  Oh yeah.  His shoes always smell great!”

Cassie will give a speech entitled, “What cats can teach humans about feminism.”

“The last time I gave this speech, I was accused of cat-splaining to humans.  Well, I say feminism is important for both of our species.  I’m revising my speech so it will be so clear, even Ron Lindsay will understand it!”

In addition to the feline fellows, CFI DC’s canine fellow will participate in a panel discussion about the separation of church and state moderated by Patheos blogger Ed Brayton.  

Stroger says these events affirm CFI’s decision to adopt their animal fellows from JREF.

“We may call our belief system humanism, but our furry fellows show that it works for all sentient  beings!”

The animal fellows will be on stage for the main rally, but will speak due to security concerns, and fear of a backlash against science if the general public knew of their existence.  

Also in the Babbler:

Game of Thrones fan placed in suspended animation to avoid spoilers
Chicago police seek advice from ghost skeptic Hayley Stevens
Lisle trees return baby to his family
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/12/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, August 31, 2015

Rochelle Reader: American Atheists to secretly film movie at NIU

Sources with godless family members claim that American Atheists will be secretly filming a movie on the campus of Northern Illinois University.

Considered by some to be the most militant atheist organization in America, the sources claim American Atheists want to use the NIU campus to stand in for a fictional Christian college.  Officials at NIU and city hall say the group has not applied for any filming permits and does not have permission to film anywhere in DeKalb.  Some of the sources claim the cameras are hidden inside a van.

Joe X. Randolph, a NIU freshman, is terrified about being filmed by the atheist group.

“Mom warned me that if I went to NIU, I would lose my faith and become a corn smoking atheist.  I said there was nothing to worry about.  If my face appears in that movie, my family with disown me!  I don’t deserve to be disowned so I’m praying to Jesus that they don’t film me!”

Pauline, who asked that we not use her real name, is also fearful.  “If I’m seen in that movie, I can give up ever finding a good Christian man to marry.  I might have to wear a Niqab until they stop filming.  I hope no ungodly muslims try to hit on me while I’m wearing it!  But it’s better than people assuming I’m an atheist!”

An anonymous member of the NIU Secular Student Alliance said the hadn’t been contacted by American Atheists, but supported the filming at NIU.

DeKalb is the perfect metaphor for existence! Each of us is a small city, and instead of being embraced by an all-loving parent, we are surrounded by corn.  Uncaring, unhealthy corn!  The only things we have are within our city, and they is all we will ever need.  I can't wait to see this movie!"

According to a former American Atheist staff member, the movie is “very very loosely” based on “Doubt” by Jennifer Michael Hecht.

“By loosely, I mean we’re just using the title and that our main character learns a bit about the history of atheism.  Well kind of learns about it.  We really just wanted to do a response to God is not Dead, but we only had the movie rights to ‘Doubt.’  So we made some changes.  OK, a lot of changes.”

The source says that the movie is set at a Christian college where the main character just wants to study architecture.  Before he can do that, he must attend a mandatory theology class.  In one scene, the students are required to destroy copies of “The God Delusion.”  

Professor:  In order to know the mind of God, you must clear your own mind.  Evil men like Profession Dawkins want to cloud your mind with rationalizations!  Don’t let them.  Tear away the barriers between you and God!  Theology is freedom!

The main character has doubts about God, and starts using his hacker skills to get around the college’s firewall.  In one scene, he discovers the American Atheist web page, and starts a live chat session:

Woman:  Welcome to American Atheists!  I’m your special host.  Ask me anything.
Student:  You’re dressed so—
Woman:  I’m free from the restrictive dogmas of religion and radical feminism!  I can wear whatever I want thanks to the freedom atheism provides me!  
Student:  I want to be free too.  Can you help me?
Woman:  Sure.  Ask me anything!  (Winks)

Later in the movie, the student demands a debate about the existence of God.

Professor:  You cannot defeat me!  I am a professor with decades of apologetics experience!
Student:  I can’t defeat you, but these men can!
(AA president David Silverman, PZ Myers, and Dan Fincke walk into the classroom.)
Student:  I present, the trinity of free thoughts!
Professor:  No!  My faith will not survive their evil reason, and I will be doomed to spend eternity in Hell!”

The source did not say how the movie ends, she did promise “An action packed climax with lots of explosions and gun play!  Oh, and some atheist philosophy to connect it all together!”

None of the action sequences will be filmed in DeKalb, added the source.

When attempting to reach Silverman for comment, his receptionist said he was busy focusing on the groups new political efforts, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Silverman could be heard talking.

“Here’s the deal, Donald.  I need the attention.  You need someone who can get you back into Fox’s good graces.  Together we’ll be unstoppable.  So shut up and make me your Vice-president!  Hello?”

Also in the Rochelle Reader:

Rochelle votes against using nuclear weapons against tornados
Hub 35 celebrates landing of the galaxy's largest tanker UFO
Malta police try to fax speeding tickets to speeding UFO pilots

God to bless Rochelle this week.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Donald Trump and David Koch clash at Illuminati sponsored debate

Donald Trump and David Koch each delivered a fiery performances at an Illuminati sponsored debate in Chicago.  The winner of the debate will select the Republican Party’s nominee.

Trump started with a rare showing of humility to the grand council members.

“I want to thank you for giving me this opportunity to prove that I am the best billionaire to run this country.  I also want to thank you for crashing the stock market this week, which will only strengthen my standing in the polls.”

Trump then stressed that his candidacy would revolutionize the way the Illuminati controls the United States.

“This grand council is doing the business the same way it always has since the 1800.  You give money to powerful people, like me, to buy politicians on your behalf.  That is inefficient.  There are too many things that can go wrong.  I say we cut out the contract employees, I mean politicians, and let me run things.”

Image by freddhompson
When it was Koch’s turn, he shook his hand and defended the practice of hiring politicians control the government.

“Once The Donald finally says something to alienate voters, he’s finished as an influence peddler.  Just ask me.  I lost to Jimmy Carter in the 1980 Presidential election and I was never nominated again.  That’s how low I had sunk.  Today, my brother and I can buy a politician to enact our agenda.  If the rabble lose respect for him, we can always hire another one, and our agenda will continue.  Donald, if you lose, you will lose everything in politics.  Invest in us, and I can guarantee you a 100% return on your investment over your lifetime.”

Trump was not impressed.

“Illinois is the most corrupt state in the country, and don’t even get me started on Chicago.  Yet it still does better than Wisconsin! Which I should remind you is a state that you manage through Scott Walker.”

Koch defended his business skills.  

Koch Industries has been successful for decades, while you have declared bankruptcy four times.  You’re only successful because of the money you inherited from your father.  Now I can respect that, but if you were my politician, I would fire you.”

Trump quickly countered.

“For people like us, bankruptcy is way to keep our personal wealth safe, cancel business debt, and restructure our organizations to be more efficient.  I’ll go further.  If I am selected to be President, I will declare the country bankrupt, and use the International Monetary Fund’s power to reorganize our government.  Let me tell you, by the end of my first 100 days, there will be no more birthright citizenship, no more supreme court, no more yellow journalism, and a lean Congress that will only write the laws I want them to write.”

After the debate, surrogates from both sides tried to spin the outcome of the debate.

“Trump really knew how to speak to the council.”  Said Acolyte Jacob.  “I’m sure that if selected, Donald will not only make our country great again, he’ll lead the Illuminati to victory against he New World Order!”

Lesser Dokcat Martin stressed Koch’s experience with politicians.

“Not only does David know how to pick politicians, he knows the right way to buy their victories.  Kansas is only the beginning, and I know the Council will put their trust in David to hire the best President for this country.”

The Illuminati are expected to announce the winner of the debate in two weeks.

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook braces for economic meltdown
Skeptic Ben Radford promises not to sue Bigfoot if they leave North America
New Chicago ghosts struggle to find vacant haunts

God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/29/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Climate activists disrupt Black Lives Matter meeting in Bolingbrook

Three climate activists peacefully disrupted a meeting of the Bolingbrook branch of Black Lives Matter.  

Just as the meeting was about to start, three activists stormed on the stage and pulled the microphone away from the facilitator.

“The Earth matters!”  One protester yelled.  “It’s time for you to shut up and listen to us!  Humanity is doomed unless we limit global warming to less than 2 degrees celsius!

When the audience started chanting, “Black Lives Matter,” one of the unidentified protesters replied, “there are no living black people on a dead planet!”

The organizers of the meeting decided to let the activists speak for thirty minutes, rather than risk calling the police.  The activist spent that time warning BLM members about droughts, dangerous storm, and resource conflicts due to global warming.  Many in the audience booed.

When the activists asked for a moment of silence to honor the species killed off by humans, a man in the audience yelled that police officers were killing African Americans at twice the rate as whites.  He also mentioned that African Americans are incarcerated at six times the rate as of whites.

“We’re fighting for our lives, and you’re disrupting our meeting and telling black people what to do!  You need to shut up, set aside your white progressive privilege, and listen to us!”

The lead protester countered back.  “Island nations are drowningPolar Bears are dying!  Syria is bleeding because of climate change.  You need to shut up, confront your first world privilege, and listen to the planet!”

“How can we care about a bunch of trees when we’re struggling to survive?”  Asked one audience member.

“In a few decades, everyone will be struggling to survive!”  The lead protester countered.  “What good will ending racism do if your homes are swallowed by the ocean, or blown away in a super storm.

When the activists finished, the crowd once again started chanting “Black Lives Matter!”  The protesters walked away, chanting “Our planet matters!”

BLM member Robert, who refused to give his last name, was angry at the protesters.  “I understand that you have to be disruptive, but they nearly canceled our meeting.  I work long hours as is, and this is the only time I can spare to work on a cause I believe in.  They acted like they didn’t care about us when they barged into our space to push their message!  Fortunately, we were able to make our plans for confronting Mayor Roger Claar to get him to commit to making Black lives matter in Bolingbrook!”

Protester Amber, who claims that’s her real full name, feels their climate protest strengthened the group’s resolved to stop climate change.
“I’m sorry the police are killing their children, but so are their cars, and their electronics, and their homes.  Our carbon based society is destroying all lives, and we need to be as disruptive as possible to get the message out!  Once we save the planet, then we can go back to worrying about trivial issues!”

Paul, who asked that we not use his real name, said he was saddened by the protest.  “They raised some good points, and one of them seemed interested in our issues.  Our causes are important, but I guess after today we won’t be working together.  Don’t get me wrong.  Disruptive protests are effective, but we don’t need to use them all the time.  Some people will listen to us without having to shout at them.  To put it another way, a hammer is a great tool but sometimes all you really need is a thumbtack.”

Also in the Babbler:

Soviet tornado attack misses Bolingbrook
Chicago Tribune confuses Joliet with Bolingbrook
Edwards Hospital denies involvement with human cloning

God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/20/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.