Dozens of Bolingbrook residents have spotted Minnesota Talking Land Squids, according to the Department of Paranormal Affairs.
“Minnesota Talking Land Squids are normally not physically aggressive towards humans,” said Marcus Z. Anderson, spokesperson for the department. “However, they can be very passive aggressive.” Anderson warned that residents should not start a conversation with one and should instead keep their distance, and call the department.
Joan, who asked that we not use her last name, described an upsetting encounter with one.
“This monster stepped out from behind my neighbor’s house and approached me. It must have seen the Trump sticker on my baby carriage, because it said: ‘Nice sticker. Too bad you’re going to have to pay for the wall because it won’t protect you from childhood diseases. You’ll need some protection once Trump bans vaccines.’ I was going to hit it with my purse, but it sprayed me with black ink and ran away. Let me tell you! When America is great again, monsters like him won’t stand a chance!”
Jacob, who also asked that we not use his last name, claims he saw a monster outside the Family Square Restaurant.
“I thought I was seeing things when it popped out from behind my car. Then she said, ‘You’re lucky to live here. Your mayor tried to prevent a church from moving into a mall. Most mayors wouldn’t. Be proud.’ That made me so mad that I prayed to God to strike it down. When that didn’t happen, I tried to take picture of it. Why is it that you can never take a clear picture of a monster?”
Minnesota Talking Land Squids, first spotted in the early 2000s, are believed to have been genetically engineered by controversial biologist and outspoken atheist PZ Myers. Those who believe this theory are not sure if he created them so he could have cephalopod friends, or if he wanted to create an army to help him abolish religion. Most Minnesota Talking Land Squids freely roam western Minnesota, but some have been seen as far south as Springfield, MO.
When asked to comment, Myers replied, “You’ll understand after your staff meeting this week.”
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