Monday, August 29, 2016

Humanistic Jewish missionaries visit Bolingbrook

Lynda and Andrew knocked on the door of a Bolingbrook ranch house.  An older women answered the door.

“Shabbat Shalom!”  Said Andrew.  “We have traveled all the way from The Birmingham Temple to see you.”

Lynda holds up a bottle.  “We bring wine.”

Andrew holds up a book, “And the collected works of Rabbi Sherwin T Wine!

“Let us teach you the many ways you can be good Jew without God!”

The old woman slammed the door.

“What can you do?”  said Lynda as she shrugged.

Andrew and Lynda are members of team of Humanistic Judaic missionaries from the Detroit area.  Their goal is to find enough secular jews to form a congregation in the Southwest suburbs.  Currently, believers in Humanistic Judaism  are served in the Chicago area by Kol Hadash and Beth Chaverim

“Granted we didn’t ask the local Rabbis permission to do this.”  said Andrew.  “Normally we just put up web pages, and speak where we’re invited to speak.  We decided to take it to the next level.  We can’t expect most secular jews to come to expensive events.  We have to come to them, and bring them the real good news.  This will be so successful that it will be better to ask them for forgiveness than to seek their permission.”

Most people were not home on this day in Bolingbrook.  Many of those who answered slammed the door in the middle of the speech.  Some were angered.

“No God!  No Torah!  No way!  And cover up your hands.  You’re showing too much skin.”

Others received an education.  Like a woman who asked not to be identified.  “I would like to help, but the only jewish member of my family was my deceased grandfather.”

“That’s OK.”  said Lynda.  “If you have any connection to the tribe, we consider you part of the tribe!”

“Really?”

“Yes, and if you help us hire a rabbi, he or she will get you up to speed for a reasonable membership fee.”

“Wow!”

Another man also felt the visit was educational.  “I used to wonder why they were taking their time to rebuild the Temple of Jerusalem because I want Jesus to come back now.  I now understand that they have their own lives and goals.  Not sure about the not believing in God part, but the rest sounds great!”

When the couple stopped by Mayor Roger Claar’s house, he opened the door and offered advice.  “There are many faiths here, and you’re welcome to join them.  Just don’t build a tax exempt building within my village!”

At the end of the day, a man was happy to hear the couple’s speech.  “No God!  No Yarmulkes,  and no laws!  I was lost but have lead me to the promised belief!”

Andrew, Lynda, and other Humanists missionaries will be in Bolingbrook until September 1.

Also in the Babbler:

Soviets fail to flood Bolingbrook
Bolingbrook Skeptics demand total ban on local psychics
Claar:  Donald Trump is not visiting me!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/31/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Drunk alien arrested at Bolingbrook Jubilee

An alien from an unidentified star system was arrested at the Bolingbrook Jubilee.  Men in Blue arrested the being after it tried to disrupt Jaycee’s Bingo Game.
An eyewitness described the scene.  “This alien was slurping down ice cream, and yelling.  It said Trump was the best human leader and that he would make bingo games great again.  It complained about the low payouts.  I wanted to say that a Trump bingo game would result in him taking all the money and leaving us with the boards.  I didn’t think that was wise because it could eat me.”

After ranting for about three minutes, Men in Blue calmly approached the being.  It stumbled at first, then peacefully accompanied the Men as they escorted it away from Village Hall.  As they left, an identified member of the Jaycees yelled that her father would make sure the alien was punished.

“We believe this alien was drunk on dairy products.”  said a source within the Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “Let me be clear that the majority of visitors are responsible attendees, and many said they enjoyed the rides and booths at this year’s Jubilee.”  The source refused to state what happened to the alien.

A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he could not be disturbed.  In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “I just had the worst nap!  I dreamt that Jeb Bush lost the Republican Primary.  Not only did I become a Trump delegate, I told NPR that I was an enthusiastic supporter!  What a dream!  Of course the reality is that Jeb Bush won, and he's about to blow out Bernie Sanders, right?”

Also in the Babbler:

Skeptics crack down on Internet posts critical of them
Bolingbrook’s only New Black Panther Party member resigns
Naperville threatens to build moat in case of Clinton victory
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/26/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Manchester Mumbler: Owen Smith to propose UK merger with the United States

Image from ITV.com

Facing a double digit deficit in the Labour Party Leadership Election, MP Owen Smith will propose reuniting the United Kingdom with the United States.

“Sometimes you have to do the unthinkable and try a Hail Mary kick from midfield.”  said an anonymous member of Smith’s shadowy cabinet.  “Brexit was once unthinkable and look how it turned out for the Conservative Party.  A British-United States reunion is just the unthinkable idea that will not only reunite Labour, but rally the country to our side.”

Under the proposed treaty, Great Britain would become the 51st state in the United States.  Britain would still use the Pound as currency, but it would worth exactly the same as the Dollar and no longer traded internationally.  “Kind of like how each US state has its own unique Quarter.  It would be purely cosmetic.”  The state of Britain would be not covered by the Bill of Rights for 100 years, and the US Congress would grant special permission for the Royal Family to keep their titles.  The US would also fund the NHS as part of Obamacare.  In return, the US would take over the UK’s military, and allow the Republican and Democratic Parties to run candidates in the former UK.  Both economies would be merged, as guided by a new Federal Reserve System.  All members of the Royal Family would have to be sterilized or forced to abdicate any claim to the throne.

The plan would be marketed as British-United States reunification, and would be promoted under the Twitter Hashtag #brus.  Labour would also buy double decker buses and paint them to look like the Union Jack and the Stars and Stripes were merging.  Painted on each side would be the words, “Get on the #brus!  Vote Labour!”

The anonymous source has high hopes for the #brus campaign.  “The conservatives are all about exiting and kicking people out.  Before you know it, everyone who doesn’t have a royal title is on the outs.  Labour is about bringing people together.  Not only British people, but people who used to be British.  Lets come together and get on the Brus!”

Members of the public who have heard of this plan have mixed reactions.

H, who asked that we only use her first initial, is excited.  “This means I won’t need a passport to visit haunted houses in the States.  Now I finally have a reason to support Owen besides hating Jermey Corbyn.”

Paulette, a member of the UK Independence Party, does not like the plan.  “I’m not a racist, but I feel that United States is an example of why immigrants should be banned around the world.  They started out as proper British subjects, and now look at them.  When they’re not shooting each other or voting for Barack Obama, they’re struggling to speak the same language.  They can keep their entertaining movies, music, and TV shows.  I’m sticking with the British tea and curry!”

When reached for comment, a man who answered the phone at Corbyn’s headquarters thought the idea was peculiar.  “It ultimately doesn’t matter what happens to Great Britain.  There will never be true unity until there is a true socialist revolution!”

“Robby!”  a woman in the background yelled.  “This isn’t the Socialist Workers Party.”

“Oops.  I meant Labour knows no borders.”


A spokesperson for Smith denied such a plan exists.  “We don’t need #brus because Rhys Morgan’s Twitter storms will turn the tide and lead us to victory!  With his help, we can defeat the communists and the Tories and return moderate Labour to its rightful place!  The Clintons are coming back, and so are we!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Hillary Clinton: The Bolingbrook Babbler exclusive interview


By Reporter X

Note: Reporter X was fortunate enough to secure an interview with Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton.  The full interview is in the print edition of the Babbler.  The following is an excerpt from that interview.

Reporter X:  Thank you for your time.

Clinton:  My advisors told me I had to do this, and, as you know, dealing with the press is a necessary evil for politicians.

Reporter X:  Okay.  Hopefully this will go better than you expect.

Clinton:  I doubt it.  First question.

Reporter X:  What will your interplanetary policy be, and how does it contrast with Donald Trump’s?

Clinton:  You know, I can’t tell if Donald wants to provoke a war with the Martian Colonies, or if he wants to have sex with every female on Venus.  My policy is simple and clear.  As the leader of the free world, I will do what ever the Martian Colonial government tells me to do, and make sure that every nation falls in line.

Reporter X:  Wow.

Clinton:  It has been the policy of every of every President since Truman.  Donald Trump’s Unprecedented and reckless comments about the Martian Colonies endanger all life on Earth.  You know, I don’t even think he knows the difference between a native Martian, and a Colonial Martian.

Reporter X:  Probably not.  Now in your long career, you’ve had the opportunity meet many aliens from across the Universe.  What has been your most profound conversation with an alien?

Clinton:  Well as you said, I’ve met with many aliens from around the Universe, and let me tell you, we have a very big Universe.  My science advisors say it is shaped like a doughnut and what is can see has a diameter of 93 billion light years and growing.  Now I’ve met many aliens as the First Lady, a senator, and Secretary of State, but who knows—

Reporter X:  You can’t think of one profound conversation you’ve had with an alien?  

Clinton:  Of course I can, but I know how the media works, and I especially know how the Bolingbrook Babbler works!  How many days and hours did your staff spend spying on my husband trying to prove he was having an affair with an alien?

Reporter X:  He was.

Clinton:  That’s beside the point.  Why weren’t you spending those hours uncovering the interstellar terrorists who are trying to undermine our vaccination efforts?  Their dangerous propaganda could lead to the death of millions!

Reporter X:  You don’t have to shout—

Clinton:  So your Mayor can shout, and Donald Trump can shout, but I can’t shout or move my hands?

Reporter X:  Point taken.

Clinton:  No!  The point is the media has been obsessing over every little rule we’ve bent, and trying to uncover every thing I choose to keep a secret.  Did you think I wanted the world to know that I lost money on a land deal?  Why did your colleagues have to keep digging into my family?  What do you think is more important?  Trying to prove beyond a doubt that Bill was unfaithful to me, or pointing out that a man who wants his followers to assassinate me is a major party’s nominee.  A nominee who has an estranged relationship with the truth and a death wish for humanity!  You know, even if people don’t like me, you cannot deny that I am overqualified to be President.  

Reporter X:  But—

Clinton:  But wait!  Even if the vast Right Wing conspiracy impeaches me, I would be succeeded by Tim Kaine, who is qualified to be President.  Even if they get rid of him, Speaker Paul Ryan is somewhat qualified to be President.  All of us are more qualified than Donald Trump.  If you vote for me, our country.  If you vote for Donald Trump, you could lose your life in a nuclear war!  I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be Blue than dead.

Reporter X:  You know, you could have mentioned your conversation with Queen Klpu from Xipu in the Andromeda Galaxy.

Clinton:  I could have mentioned that private conversation, but I feel better after venting.

Reporter X:  Let’s get back to Trump in a bit.  I have a lot of questions about him—

Clinton:  And I have many more talking points about him.

Reporter X:  Some former Bernie Sanders supporters say they are going to support Jill Sten instead of you.  How do you respond?

Clinton: (Laughs.)  I will just say this.  Most of his supporters are with me. Bernie Sanders is with me.  Jill Stein isn’t with me.  She’s with her top corporate supporters, AON, Xoom, IBM, Thoughtworks, and UPS.  She’s with people who believe in dangerous myths about vaccines.  She’s with Assad.  She’s with people who think wifi is dangerous.  I’m with you.

(Bill Clinton walks into the room.)

Bill:  Hillary!  The secret service is adding drones to our security detail.

Clinton:  You know, it’s just like @lolgop said.  Taxpayers pay for Donald Trump’s Secret Service protection, and they’re going to be paying more for my protection, thanks to his speech.  Yet, we still don’t know if Donald paid taxes this year.

Also in the Babbler:

Blogger from the Orbit ‘monitors’ Babbler’s web site
Aliens threaten to quarantine Earth if Trump wins
Bolingbrook High School bans aliens from playing football
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/12/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.