Saturday, December 31, 2016

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2017

Boy did our psychics get 2016 right. We predicted Russian interference in the US elections, a contentious Republican primary, Deadpool being one of the biggest grossing films of 2016, and we predicted that Donald Trump would win the election.

The remnants of the skeptical movement might point out that we weren’t defeated by Israel in 2016, and the Supreme Court did not rule the Presidential Election unconstitutional.  True, but predicting the future the future isn’t an exact science.  We know that goes against scienceism, but it is true.

We also offer the same disclaimer for our 2017 predictions.  Unlike previous years, our psychics came out of their trances screaming in pain, and even more unsure of their visions.  But through the power of crowdsourcing, we have high confidence in these predictions.

***
The Trump inauguration gets off to a rough start.  While the USA Freedom Girls perform, a live shot of Trump’s private security force pointing guns at their manager will be broadcast over the Internet.  Trump will also mumble during the oath of office, leading many liberals to wonder if he actually took the oath.  Obama will also roll his eyes 100 times during the speech, inspiring many Internet memes.

Trump will also be photographed kissing Ivanka Trump on the lips, though he will later insist it was innocent, though, "I love my daughter more than I should."

Trump’s speech will mostly be forgettable, except for the last line, where he will order an invasion of Mexico, in retaliation for a shooting incident near the Mexican boarder.  The media will be too busy broadcasting the bombings to ask if the incident really happened.

***
The race between Jackie Traynere and Mayor Roger Claar will be very close.  Claar will attempt to distance himself from his past support of Trump.  However, a mainstream journalist will overhear him talking on the phone.

“I risked my political future and destroyed my reputation as a moderate Republican by organizing a fundraiser and giving you over $7000 dollars.  You owe me at least $7 million, but I’l take $1 million!  Hello?”

***
Celebrities will die, but not as many as in 2016.

***
Vladimir Putin and Trump announce that they will no longer target their nuclear weapons at each other.  Instead, they will target the rest of the world.  The new doctrine will be called “World Control.”

“Vladimir has the best code names.”  Trump will say.  “I’m Colossus.”

“And I’m Guardian.” 

***
Jay Cutler will be traded to the Green Bay Packers in exchange for Aaron Rogers.  Cutler will lead the Packers to the playoffs, while the Bears will have another losing season.

“They thought they could ruin the Packers by making me the starting quarterback.”  Cutler will say.  “Maybe I wasn’t the problem!  After all, I was the best QB in Bears’ history!”

***
Congress will keep Obamacare, but rename it Trumpcare.  Anyone who get a subsidy to pay for insurance will have to wear a patch that says “Loser.”  Trumps supporters will love Trumpcare.

***
After Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel insults Trump, Trump will send out a tweet storm.  “We need to show Chicago that they don’t surround us.  We surround them!  Real Americans should block all the roads leading into Chicago.  Nothing goes in our out until crybaby Rahm apologies.”

In response, truck drivers and rural citizens will set up armed blockades.  The state and national government will not intervene.  Canada will airlift food and supplies into Chicago.

“Trump’s blockade is inhumane.”  Prime Minister Justin Trudeau will say.  “But he does have a lot of expensive buildings around the world.”

***

At the end of the 2017, Trump will still be President and there will be no nuclear war.  The West Coast states will be threatening to leave the United States.  China’s navy will be in striking range of the United States.  The biggest debate in Bolingbrook will be whether to stay in the United States, or join the rest of Chicagoland as it merges with Canada.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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