Five Rochelle men were arrested and accused by the Ogle County Sheriff’s Department of plotting against Hanukkah Harry, the gift-giving elf of Hanukkah.
“Crime is crime.” Said an anonymous source within the Sheriff’s Department. “Even if it is against a member of a cabal that secretly runs the world. Don't give me that look! I’m just saying something politically incorrect. So that makes it OK!”
Hanukkah Harry is a Jewish elf who used to work for Santa Claus. On each night of Hanukkah, he visits poor Jewish families and gives gifts to the children that their parents could not afford. He flies around the world on a cart pulled by three flying donkeys.
Ogle County deputies, who asked not to be identified, said they raided the home of one of the suspects and discovered high powered rifles, laser pointers, and drones equipped with pipe bombs. The deputies believe the men were “planning something” for when Hanukkah Harry flew over Rochelle on his way to Rockford.
“Sure Christmas and Hanukkah are around the same time this year.” Said one of the deputies. “It’s normally Santa’s night, but I think trying to harm Hanukkah Harry would put anyone on Santa's naughty list.”
Sources say the plot was uncovered while one officer was reading an “Alt-right” Subreddit “HanukkahHarryMustDie.”
“I love the Alt-right forums.” Said one of the sources. “This Subreddit, however, went too far, and when I realized it was run by local folks. Well, unfortunately, I had to do something.”
Paul Z Biksacky, lawyer for the five suspects, says his clients are innocent and called the arrests part of a smear campaign. “The evidence will show that my clients are being framed by people who have connections to banks.”
One of the suspects was escorted by in handcuffs. He started shouting. “Hanukkah Harry doesn’t belong here. We’re part of the USA, now Jew S.A.! If you don’t write an unbiased story about me, I’ll flood your Twitter feed with flashing light videos and pictures of gas chambers. Donald Trump will vindicate me!”
After the suspect left, Kranst continued. “My clients are not bigots. They are just suffering from economic anxiety.”
Lydia, a member of Temple Beth-EL in Rockford, denied Hanukkah Harry’s existence. “We don’t need a Jewish Santa. We just need to stay true to our traditions, even they need to be reformed every so often.”
A young girl in the background yelled. “He is real and on Saturday, I’ll hear him call out. ‘On Moische! On Herschel On Schlomo! May all your candles burn long and bright! On each and every Hanukkah night!”
Also in the Rochelle Reader:
Russians divert Arctic air towards Illinois
More aliens move into Creston
New World Order agents spotted at Alfano’s
God to spare Rochelle on 12/23/16