Monday, December 5, 2016

Report: US communists ‘woefully unprepared for the revolution’

While the communists in the United States hate President-elect Donald Trump, a new study by a Bolingbrook think-tank says they are “woefully unprepared for the revolution.”
The study, conducted by the Bolingbrook Revolutionary Marxist Party, offers a brutal assessment of communism in The United States.

“There are at least 14 communist organizations in the US. None of them are even close to mounting an armed insurrection.”  The report continues.  “Communists can’t even start a revolution in the South Side of Chicago. The best they could do was have Sunsara Taylor speak at an even with an atheist blogger.”

The report rips into the groups strategies.

“US communist parties are only good at getting their banners at the front of marches they didn't organize, and splintering  Their members spend more time trying to meet their newspaper sales quotas than trying to take over the country.  None of the parties have the tactical skills and leadership to take on the most advanced army in the world.  None of the parties work together.  In the event of a national upheaval, they best some of them can do is contribute to the chaos.  None can bring order to the country, let alone spearhead a global revolution.”

The report did have faint praise for one communist organization.  “Back in the 1980s, Freedom Road Socialist Organization at least gave some thought to actually fighting a revolution, and were somewhat secretive about their plans.  Today they have a wikipedia page, and they’re fighting over which faction should retain the name.”

The report recommends that all communist groups do all they can to stop cults of personalities from forming.  “Let’s be honest.  It didn’t work in the USSR.  It lead to disaster in China, and it is not working in North Korea.”

The report also recommends two possible paths for the future.  The first involves actively recruiting military veterans to gain the skills necessary to fight a revolution.  The second path involves abandoning Marxism, and creating a “truly revolutionary blueprint for a new world.”

“While we were trying to lecture African Americans on Marx, they formed Black Lives Matter.  While we were dictating Maoist ideas to Native Americans, they formed Standing Rock movement.  Maybe instead trying to impose an ideology upon people of color, we should be learning from them instead.”

A spokesman for the Chicago-based Revolutionary Communist Party, USA, blasted the report.  “How dare this front group for Donald Trump attack Sunsara, the greatest liberator of women next to Bob Avakian!  She inspires people to rise up and— Excuse me.  I need to purify my thoughts before we can continue.”

A statistician, who insisted that we not use her real name, gave the report a mixed review.  “OMG.  This is just a collection of opinions.  There are almost no numbers.  Though I do agree with one of its points.  Waiting for the revolution is like waiting for Jesus to return.”

Also in the Babbler:

Trump to recognize Bolingbrook as the “real Chicago”
Aliens boycott Clow UFO Base over Mayor Claar support for Trump
Bolingbrook High School student considered for Department of Labor post
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/9/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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