Monday, December 12, 2016

Alex Jones wins Illuminati’s 2016 Man of the Year award

The Illuminati announced Alex Jones as its winner of the 2016 Man of the Year award during a ceremony at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

Mayor Roger Claar introduced Jones, who hosts the radio and internet show InfoWars.  “For too many years, I was moderate Republican, and I thought I was happy.  When I met Alex, he put me inside a special bubble.  Once I was free from the chemtrails, fluoride, and lamestream media, I finally understood.  My friends, Alex showed me that the Internet isn’t just a place where Bonnie can lie about me.  It's also a place where great men like Alex steam videos and write non-liberal posts.”

Jones took the stage and accepted the award from Claar.  After hugging Claar, he thanked the Illuminati.

“I tell my audience that there's a war for their minds.  Illuminated brothers and sisters, we are winning that war.”

He then told the story of how he was recruited into the Illuminati, which involved many covert meetings in Austin, TX.  Though he appreciated their protection from the New World Order, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to join.  “They told me how the NWO broke off from our society, and wrecked havoc upon the world.  They showed me their true evil plan: One world government,  one economy, and all of humanity forced to live without liberty and in peace. (Expletive deleted) that!  I want a world divided into as many countries as possible!  I want a world where people I hate are forced to live as far away from me as possible.  I also want a world were scientism is recognized as a form of Satanism!”

Jones also celebrated the Illuminati successfully making Donald the President of the United States.  “The heart of liberty is chaos, and Donald Trump is an agent of chaos!  I believe that he will bring a level of chaos and liberty the world hasn't seen Biblical times!”

During the speech, a reptoid help up a sign that ready, “Save your planet! Save yourselves!”  Guards attacked the aliens, and dragged her away.

“Go away!”  Jones yelled. “This is our world.  You can’t tell us what to do! Once we melt the ice caps, and exterminate most life on Earth, the survivors will never again be oppress by big government, big business, and big civilization!”

Jones later noticed Beyonce in the audience and smiles.  “I’m really sorry I have to say bad things about you on my radio program.  That’s just to lure my audience into trusting me.  We are on the same side, and you are my illuminated sister.”

Beyonce smiles and waved back.

Jones then lead the audience in a several minute chant of “Fnord” before leaving the stage.

Claar then retook the stage.  “As long as we have Alex, the NWO doesn’t stand a chance!”

Also in the Babbler

Rob Sherman finally gets to debate God
Anti-Claar businesses fear Trump will tweet about them
Bolingbrook Skeptics celebrate holidays by decorating metal pole and griping
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/15/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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