Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Web exclusive: Naperville police “war game” election night.

During game seven of the World Series, the Naperville police department participated in an “intense war game” to prepare for the presidential election. 

“Naperville has a reputation to uphold, and we’re entrusted to uphold that reputation.”  said one officer.  “We have to be prepared for every situation, no matter how unlikely.  I mean how improbable.  If a Cubs-Indians World Series can happen, anything can happen.”

The scenarios officers face ranged from an epidemic of bar fights to a North Korean nuclear attack against Chicago.  Though some of the scenarios might seem horrific, many officers said they enjoyed the weekend outing.

“My favorite scenario was retaking the Carillon from Black Lives Matter activists.”  said another officer.  “They weren’t shooting at us, so we couldn’t just shoot them.  It required us to use our heads and really think.  We don’t get to do that very often.”

Officer Noah, who asked that we not use his last name, said he feared that the games might become all too real in the future.  “I read this article from Cracked.  I could easily see an army of drug addicted farmers coming from the West, and enraged Black Lives Matter activists marching from the East, and trying to converge on Naperville.  We’ll need to hold the thin line, even if most residents don’t trust us.”

The weekend ended with the officers practicing for election night road blocks.  Officer Bob, who asked that we not use his last name, had the following exchange with a pretend motorist.

Bob: Hi Joe.  

Joe:  Um, hi officer.

Bob:  What’s with the all the Tiki torches in the backseat?

Joe:  Um, I just had the urge to have a picnic tonight?

Bob:  Joe.

Joe:  All right. Trump said the Democrats stole Illinois.  So I’m going to march on Cook County’s corrupt government with my friends.

Bob:  Joe.  What do we say about Naperville?

Joe: We have a reputation to uphold?

Bob:  Yes, and marching with torches isn’t part of that reputation.  Why don’t you go home and support the Donald by watching Trump TV?

Joe: OK.

After Joe left, the instructor sent in an African American driver.  Bob reached for his gun.

Instructor:  Stop!  Officer, you didn’t even look at his ID.

Bob: He was reaching—

Instructor: He’s unarmed, and has no criminal record. Check his ID now!  Where does he live.

Bob: Naperville.  But—

Instructor: What is our unofficial motto?

Bob: “All Naperville residents matter.”


Instructor:  Yes.  Especially the African American residents!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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