By Reporter X
Almost a week after making Donald Trump the President of the United States, the Illuminati regained control of Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.
Over the weekend Illuminati disciples entered Clow and laid siege to the New World Order’s embassies and offices. There were no causalities, but dozens were injured during the minor skirmishes.
Mayor Claar announced Sunday night, in front of the Interstellar Press Corps, that the siege was over, and Clow now belonged Illuminati. He then swore the Life Oath, the most binding oath within the Illuminati. “Sure some people thought the Illuminati was crazy to try to rig the election against the New World Order, and they laughed at the idea of President Trump, but I knew the Illuminati could succeed. I was right, like I always am. Now I have a message for the New World Order and their political lackeys. I am Roger Claar, Adept of the Illuminati. Look upon my works, you cucks, and despair! Ford! I mean Fnord!”
Before the election, the Illuminati was perceived as a secret society in decline. The decline started in the 1970s, when the New World Order split off and seized control of Earth’s UFO Bases. While they could influence political primaries, it was long assumed that New World Order had the final say in who ruled the United States.
After upsetting NWO candidate Hillary Clinton, Illuminati has now managed to capture over fifty percent of Earth’s UFO Bases, including Clow. Other bases, include Rochelle’s Hub 52 base, have either repelled the attackers, or still being disputed.
While all NWO members were expelled from Clow, staff and diplomats from the skeptical movement will be allowed to stay at Clow.
Zelda Blanchard, a Skepchick diplomat, expressed her feelings about the new arrangement. “It stinks having to look outside my office window and see Men in Blue and robed figures stalking us. I normally don’t care who runs the world, but their choice of Donald Trump from President scares me. It’s like they saw all the racism and misogyny and wondered how they could take it to the next level.”
Committee for Skeptical Inquiry staff member Paul, who asked that we not use his last name, said the takeover upset him. “I wanted to take a break from all the craziness in the world by visiting Clow. Instead it followed me here. I can’t escape Donald Trump!”
Opl Glop, an interstellar merchant, said she was fed up with Earth. “Your species was on the verge of enlightenment. Now it looks like you want to set your world on fire instead. After I finish my business here, I’m leaving before the mushroom clouds start popping up. I’m not along in thinking this! Earth’s share of the interstellar economy is about the vanish!”
Melania Trump, who will coordinate alien relations for the Illuminati, promised that the Illuminati would do away the “boredom and interconnectedness imposed” by the New World Order. She said it would be replaced by “isolation and chaos for the many, with prosperity for the few.”
She added, “You will bow down before the ones you will serve. This is the beginning. Watch what you say, we can read your minds. This is the beginning of the end! I don’t have to cite Trent Reznor, do I?"
Also in the Babbler:
Protesters beg aliens to save them from Trump
Trump says he will and will not bomb Mars
Weredeer celebrate Trump Victory
God is smiting America now!
Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.