Monday, September 19, 2016

Bolingbrook survives first ‘EDx Talks’

Bolingbrook survived the first EDx talk, a rowdy six hour event featuring speakers shouting out “big thoughts” and obscenities.  

The event, held at the Hilton Garden Inn, was based on a Facebook post by controversial liberal blogger Ed Brayton.  All the speakers were required to shout and include obscenities.

“I loved it!”  said Paul, who asked that we not use his last name.  “Hearing all these big ideas made me feel like I was at a classy TED Talk.  Whenever a speaker cursed, I felt like I was in a smokey bar with friends.  This is the best of both worlds!”

Speeches ranged in length from a several seconds to nearly an hour.  The topics ranged from religion to Bolingbrook’s lawn maintenance laws.

Richard Carrier Ph.D. delivered the shortest speech.  “Jesus is obviously a fictional character!  I am the true voice of Atheism+! Who wants to (expletive deleted) me after this convention?”

Bolingbrook resident Janet L. Classen demanded that the Valley View School District return to year round schooling.  “Who can afford daycare in the summer?  Why do we have to be like every other (expletive deleted) school district?  This is (expletive deleted)!  Only Bonnie can save us, like she’s saving Florida!”

There was some tension when Bolingbrook resident and devout Christian Miriam X. Baker started her talk by attacking a Greta Christina article from 2013

“How dare you tell me what I can and cannot ask!  You’re taking away my freedom of speech!  (expletive deleted) you!  You are in the minority!  You must get my approval to exist!  So don’t tell me what I can and cannot ask!”

A heckler then asked her about a private bodily function.  She replied that after he dies, the devil will perform unspeakable acts upon him, then force him to fester in Hell’s sewer!  Police then escorted the heckler out of the room.

Organizers considered the event a huge success.

David X. Parker, said they were worried they event wouldn’t go off.  “When we read Ed’s post.  We were excited, and started planning an ‘x’ version of his idea.  You know, just like TEDx is the amateur version of the main TED talks.  Then we found out that Ed was joking and that there wasn’t going to be an ED Talk.  But we were too far along to quit, and I’m glad we didn’t quit.  People loved this!”

Brayton, however, did not like the event.  At the start of his Facebook chat, he started out at the audience for a few seconds.  “I can’t believe you guys actually took me seriously. This is (expletive deleted)!”

He then suggested that in the future, the organizers should organize a fundraiser for Foundation Beyond Belief.

When reached for further comment, Brayton expressed his dislike for the Babbler. “Congratulations!  You just made my list of fake news sites.  Now none of my followers will believe anything you post!”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook police defuse stink bomb
Palatine survives having transgendered residents
Atheist TV to film series in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/22/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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