Editor’s Note: Donald Trump will be at the Bolingbrook Golf Club on September 28 for a fundraiser. Our reporters gathered the following stories about his upcoming visit.
Bolingbrook’s opposition parties to join Trump Protest
Three of Bolingbrook’s opposition parties will join the planned protest of Donald Trump’s fundraiser on Monday.
Anne X. Maples of the Skepchick Party, says her party is enthusiastic about the upcoming protest. “Not only is Donald Trump a misogynist and a racist, but he is anti-vaccine, and doesn’t believe in the science of climate change. This man doesn’t deserve to be the leader of the Free World, let alone be the host of a leading reality show. Our party intends to show the world that Bolingbrook is pro-science and pro-women!”
Paul K. Pinsker, member of the Zero Tax Party, says Trump has no business in Bolingbrook. “Bolingbrook is a success story among Chicago’s suburbs. Donald Trump is a loser who can’t even run a successful business. If he followed our plan to generate infinite revenue in Bolingbrook through zero taxes, he would still find a way to bankrupt Bolingbrook.”
Jay P. Lowe of the Draft Ed Rosenthal Party, says his party also intends to protest Mayor Roger Claar’s involvement in the fundraiser. “Sure Roger is a Republican, that doesn’t mean he had to be a delegate for Trump, or host a fundraiser in Bolingbrook for him. By actively supporting Donald Trump, Roger has dived headfirst into the basket of deplorable Trump supporters! Only Ed can save us from the total embarrassment Roger has brought to Bolingbrook.”
Only one Bolingbrook political party, The Revolutionary Communist Party of Bolingbrook, say it supports the fundraiser.
“A Donald Trump victory will lead to a worker’s upraising which we will then co-opt!” said Comrade X.
Weredeer vow to protect fundraiser.
Rural weredeer vow to ‘protect’ Trump fundraiser
A spokesperson for the Rural Weredeer Militia of Will County say they will “help” guard Donald Trump’s fundraiser.
Said Brett, “Any opportunity to insult feminists and punch weak men is too good to pass up. Donald Trump events have a reputation for being aggressive! We intend to keep that reputation.”
Brett said that members of the militia have been practicing “Trump-Fu” in their human forms. If “pushed by feminists,” they intend to shape-shift into the more aggressive “wardeer” form.
“Feminists made us this way! Since we can’t mate with each other, we have to mate with humans and deer. We’re sick of mating with deer! We want to add some human stock to the mix. Feminists tell other women to stay away from us. We’re really nice men, but if more women don’t start mating with us, we’re not going to be nice.”
Brett added that Trump is a hero among rural weredeer. “We love the way he treats women. If he lets us inside, we’ll make him an honorary weredeer!”
Aliens arrested for attempting to blackmail Trump
By Reporter X
Men in Blue arrested two aliens who threatened to release Donald Trump’s abduction records. The records include medical exams and psychological profiles of Trump. The aliens promised to destroy their copies if Trump canceled his fundraiser.
Jill Z. Branford of the Department of Interstellar Affairs praised the arrest. “In Bolingbrook, you cannot get away with blackmailing a VIP. Especially if that VIP is a friend of Roger.”
Zygobz, legal representative for the alleged hackers, accused the department of racism and sexism. “If Russian hackers leak information about Hillary Clinton, they’re heroes. If aliens hackers leak information about Donald Trump, they’re arrested. What does that tell you?”
As they suspects were escorted to the judge, they chanted, “Dump Trump! Bump Pence!”
Bail has been set at 1 Billion Interstellar Credits.
Also in the Babbler:
Psychics haunted by ghost of Anti-Psychic Kitty
Palatine police searching for ghost burglar
Will County judge throws out lawsuit against UFO crew
God to Smite Bolingbrook on 9/17/16