Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Web Exclusive: Ten aliens arrested at Donald Trump’s Bolingbrook fundraiser

By Reporter X
Ten aliens were arrested at Donald Trump’s fundraiser in the Bolingbrook Golf Club.  Trump never saw the aliens.

“The situation was handled as forcefully as possible without causing any of the visitors to enter a state of terminal living.”  said Don Buck, spokesperson for the Department of Paranormal Affairs.

Nine of the aliens were members of the Sentient Life for a Friendly Earth.  They are opposed to Donald Trump apparent proposal to deport all space aliens from the Earth.

“We’ve invested 20 trillion credits to improve Earth!”  Lopappa, leader of the protesters shouted at the gathering.  “He can’t kick us off this planet without full compensation!”

“Donald Trump is a Centurion-Human hybrid!”  Yelled another protester.  “Why won’t the biased Right-wing media cover that?  Just look at this orange skin!”

The tenth alien was identified by authorities as being a member of an anti-vaccine terrorist group.  Sources say their goal is to end herd immunity among humans, and then unleash deadly, but preventable, diseases to exterminate humanity.

“Tell the world that Hillary Clinton is vaccinated!”  The alien shouted towards Trump’s dressing room.  “That’s why she’s so sick.  Also promise to arrest Dr. Paul Offit!  That will win you the election!”

The aliens are being detained at Clow UFO Base for possible trial and/or execution.  

Mayor Roger Claar could not be reached for comment, but a man who sounded like him was heard talking to Trump.

“It took a lot of work to get a diverse group of people to agree to be your opening act.  I hope you’ll remember that when it comes time to refill my campaign fund.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, September 19, 2016

Bolingbrook survives first ‘EDx Talks’

Bolingbrook survived the first EDx talk, a rowdy six hour event featuring speakers shouting out “big thoughts” and obscenities.  

The event, held at the Hilton Garden Inn, was based on a Facebook post by controversial liberal blogger Ed Brayton.  All the speakers were required to shout and include obscenities.

“I loved it!”  said Paul, who asked that we not use his last name.  “Hearing all these big ideas made me feel like I was at a classy TED Talk.  Whenever a speaker cursed, I felt like I was in a smokey bar with friends.  This is the best of both worlds!”

Speeches ranged in length from a several seconds to nearly an hour.  The topics ranged from religion to Bolingbrook’s lawn maintenance laws.

Richard Carrier Ph.D. delivered the shortest speech.  “Jesus is obviously a fictional character!  I am the true voice of Atheism+! Who wants to (expletive deleted) me after this convention?”

Bolingbrook resident Janet L. Classen demanded that the Valley View School District return to year round schooling.  “Who can afford daycare in the summer?  Why do we have to be like every other (expletive deleted) school district?  This is (expletive deleted)!  Only Bonnie can save us, like she’s saving Florida!”

There was some tension when Bolingbrook resident and devout Christian Miriam X. Baker started her talk by attacking a Greta Christina article from 2013

“How dare you tell me what I can and cannot ask!  You’re taking away my freedom of speech!  (expletive deleted) you!  You are in the minority!  You must get my approval to exist!  So don’t tell me what I can and cannot ask!”

A heckler then asked her about a private bodily function.  She replied that after he dies, the devil will perform unspeakable acts upon him, then force him to fester in Hell’s sewer!  Police then escorted the heckler out of the room.

Organizers considered the event a huge success.

David X. Parker, said they were worried they event wouldn’t go off.  “When we read Ed’s post.  We were excited, and started planning an ‘x’ version of his idea.  You know, just like TEDx is the amateur version of the main TED talks.  Then we found out that Ed was joking and that there wasn’t going to be an ED Talk.  But we were too far along to quit, and I’m glad we didn’t quit.  People loved this!”

Brayton, however, did not like the event.  At the start of his Facebook chat, he started out at the audience for a few seconds.  “I can’t believe you guys actually took me seriously. This is (expletive deleted)!”

He then suggested that in the future, the organizers should organize a fundraiser for Foundation Beyond Belief.

When reached for further comment, Brayton expressed his dislike for the Babbler. “Congratulations!  You just made my list of fake news sites.  Now none of my followers will believe anything you post!”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook police defuse stink bomb
Palatine survives having transgendered residents
Atheist TV to film series in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/22/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Bolingbrook braces for Donald Trump’s visit

Editor’s Note:  Donald Trump will be at the Bolingbrook Golf Club on September 28 for a fundraiser.  Our reporters gathered the following stories about his upcoming visit.
Bolingbrook’s opposition parties to join Trump Protest

Three of Bolingbrook’s opposition parties will join the planned protest of Donald Trump’s fundraiser on Monday.

Anne X. Maples of the Skepchick Party, says her party is enthusiastic about the upcoming protest. “Not only is Donald Trump a misogynist and a racist, but he is anti-vaccine, and doesn’t believe in the science of climate change.  This man doesn’t deserve to be the leader of the Free World, let alone be the host of a leading reality show.  Our party intends to show the world that Bolingbrook is pro-science and pro-women!”

Paul K. Pinsker, member of the Zero Tax Party, says Trump has no business in Bolingbrook.  “Bolingbrook is a success story among Chicago’s suburbs.  Donald Trump is a loser who can’t even run a successful business.  If he followed our plan to generate infinite revenue in Bolingbrook through zero taxes, he would still find a way to bankrupt Bolingbrook.”

Jay P. Lowe of the Draft Ed Rosenthal Party, says his party also intends to protest Mayor Roger Claar’s involvement in the fundraiser.  “Sure Roger is a Republican, that doesn’t mean he had to be a delegate for Trump, or host a fundraiser in Bolingbrook for him.  By actively supporting Donald Trump, Roger has dived headfirst into the basket of deplorable Trump supporters!  Only Ed can save us from the total embarrassment Roger has brought to Bolingbrook.”

Only one Bolingbrook political party, The Revolutionary Communist Party of Bolingbrook, say it supports the fundraiser.

“A Donald Trump victory will lead to a worker’s upraising which we will then co-opt!”  said Comrade X.

Weredeer vow to protect fundraiser.

Rural weredeer vow to ‘protect’ Trump fundraiser

A spokesperson for the Rural Weredeer Militia of Will County say they will “help” guard Donald Trump’s fundraiser.

Said Brett, “Any opportunity to insult feminists and punch weak men is too good to pass up.  Donald Trump events have a reputation for being aggressive!  We intend to keep that reputation.”

Brett said that members of the militia have been practicing “Trump-Fu” in their human forms.  If “pushed by feminists,” they intend to shape-shift into the more aggressive “wardeer” form.

“Feminists made us this way!  Since we can’t mate with each other, we have to mate with humans and deer.  We’re sick of mating with deer!  We want to add some human stock to the mix.  Feminists tell other women to stay away from us.  We’re really nice men, but if more women don’t start mating with us, we’re not going to be nice.”

Brett added that Trump is a hero among rural weredeer.  “We love the way he treats women.  If he lets us inside, we’ll make him an honorary weredeer!”

Aliens arrested for attempting to blackmail Trump

By Reporter X

Men in Blue arrested two aliens who threatened to release Donald Trump’s abduction records.  The records include medical exams and psychological profiles of Trump.  The aliens promised to destroy their copies if Trump canceled his fundraiser.

Jill Z. Branford of the Department of Interstellar Affairs praised the arrest.  “In Bolingbrook, you cannot get away with blackmailing a VIP.  Especially if that VIP is a friend of Roger.”

Zygobz, legal representative for the alleged hackers, accused the department of racism and sexism.  “If Russian hackers leak information about Hillary Clinton, they’re heroes.  If aliens hackers leak information about Donald Trump, they’re arrested.  What does that tell you?”

As they suspects were escorted to the judge, they chanted, “Dump Trump! Bump Pence!”

Bail has been set at 1 Billion Interstellar Credits.

Also in the Babbler:

Psychics haunted by ghost of Anti-Psychic Kitty
Palatine police searching for ghost burglar 
Will County judge throws out lawsuit against UFO crew
God to Smite Bolingbrook on 9/17/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, September 5, 2016

Aliens blockade Clow UFO Base to protest Trump’s Bolingbrook Fundraiser

By Reporter X

Several UFOs blockaded Clow UFO Base for twelve hours on Sunday to protest Donald Trump’s planned fundraiser in Bolingbrook on September 12. 

The group, calling themselves the Coalation for Beings Treating Each Other With Respect, released a statement:  “The Greater Interstellar Community has invested trillions of credits to persuade your leaders not to destroy your planet.  Mayor Roger Claar’s support for Donald Trump undermines our efforts to bring humanity into a greater galactic community.  We hope the temporary suspension of traffic will help Roger see the error of his ways.”

The group also cited Donald Trump’s calls to evict extraterrestrials from Earth, and his support of Alex Jones as reasons for the blockade.

During the blockade, masked members of the Clow Interstellar Dock Workers Union Local 1978 served Tacos and passed out leaflets supporting the blockade.

“Immigrants helped build Bolingbrook.’  Said Juan.  “Donald Trump’s racist comments are an offense to the hard working men, women, and other genders that built this great community.”

Al, who asked that we not use his last name, was particularly offended that Mayor Roger Claar will be co-hosting the fundraiser.  “We have a vibrant Muslim community in Bolingbrook, and he’s supporting a candidate who wants to ban Muslims from entering this country.  These are our neighbors who help make Bolingbrook a great place to live.  He shouldn’t insult them by hosting Donald Trump.”

A spokesperson for Clow denounced the blockade, claiming it would cost Bolingbrook business thousands of dollars.  She that Claar was showing mercy by not firing on the UFOs.  “We understand that Donald Trump’s candidacy creates high emotions across the universe, so we will tolerate this little protest, provided they leave when the promised to leave.”

Some aliens, were not pleased with the blockade.  Said Olkyop, “I have a precious cargo of mice to deliver to the galactic hub, and I’m stuck here.  These aliens don’t care that the price of mice could plummet before I can sell them!”

Other supported the protest.  Said Glokbp, “Donald Trump is ruining the reputation of all Orange Skin being in the Milky Way.  Not all orange skins support racism.  Somehow we have the ability to not forward messages from the trendy right hate groups!  Donald doesn’t.”

A receptionist for Claar said he would not talk to the Babbler, and said his comments to WJOL were enough for now.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Don’t worry, Ed.  I’m sure that was just a normal star in that tweet.  Besides, I’m thinking long term.  If Trump loses, my wing of the Republican Party will take over, and we’ll make sure that only the best people will select the best candidate, no matter how hard our voters may try to mess things up.”

Also in the Babbler:

Alt-Right Flat Earth Society to hold convention at University of Chicago
Woman sees image of Mayor Claar on her toast
Draft Ed campaign vows to get 30000 signatures to put Ed Rosenthal on the ballot
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/10/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.