Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Manchester Mumbler: Owen Smith to propose UK merger with the United States

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Facing a double digit deficit in the Labour Party Leadership Election, MP Owen Smith will propose reuniting the United Kingdom with the United States.

“Sometimes you have to do the unthinkable and try a Hail Mary kick from midfield.”  said an anonymous member of Smith’s shadowy cabinet.  “Brexit was once unthinkable and look how it turned out for the Conservative Party.  A British-United States reunion is just the unthinkable idea that will not only reunite Labour, but rally the country to our side.”

Under the proposed treaty, Great Britain would become the 51st state in the United States.  Britain would still use the Pound as currency, but it would worth exactly the same as the Dollar and no longer traded internationally.  “Kind of like how each US state has its own unique Quarter.  It would be purely cosmetic.”  The state of Britain would be not covered by the Bill of Rights for 100 years, and the US Congress would grant special permission for the Royal Family to keep their titles.  The US would also fund the NHS as part of Obamacare.  In return, the US would take over the UK’s military, and allow the Republican and Democratic Parties to run candidates in the former UK.  Both economies would be merged, as guided by a new Federal Reserve System.  All members of the Royal Family would have to be sterilized or forced to abdicate any claim to the throne.

The plan would be marketed as British-United States reunification, and would be promoted under the Twitter Hashtag #brus.  Labour would also buy double decker buses and paint them to look like the Union Jack and the Stars and Stripes were merging.  Painted on each side would be the words, “Get on the #brus!  Vote Labour!”

The anonymous source has high hopes for the #brus campaign.  “The conservatives are all about exiting and kicking people out.  Before you know it, everyone who doesn’t have a royal title is on the outs.  Labour is about bringing people together.  Not only British people, but people who used to be British.  Lets come together and get on the Brus!”

Members of the public who have heard of this plan have mixed reactions.

H, who asked that we only use her first initial, is excited.  “This means I won’t need a passport to visit haunted houses in the States.  Now I finally have a reason to support Owen besides hating Jermey Corbyn.”

Paulette, a member of the UK Independence Party, does not like the plan.  “I’m not a racist, but I feel that United States is an example of why immigrants should be banned around the world.  They started out as proper British subjects, and now look at them.  When they’re not shooting each other or voting for Barack Obama, they’re struggling to speak the same language.  They can keep their entertaining movies, music, and TV shows.  I’m sticking with the British tea and curry!”

When reached for comment, a man who answered the phone at Corbyn’s headquarters thought the idea was peculiar.  “It ultimately doesn’t matter what happens to Great Britain.  There will never be true unity until there is a true socialist revolution!”

“Robby!”  a woman in the background yelled.  “This isn’t the Socialist Workers Party.”

“Oops.  I meant Labour knows no borders.”

A spokesperson for Smith denied such a plan exists.  “We don’t need #brus because Rhys Morgan’s Twitter storms will turn the tide and lead us to victory!  With his help, we can defeat the communists and the Tories and return moderate Labour to its rightful place!  The Clintons are coming back, and so are we!”

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