By Reporter X
Note: Reporter X was fortunate enough to secure an interview with Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. The full interview is in the print edition of the Babbler. The following is an excerpt from that interview.
Reporter X: Thank you for your time.
Clinton: My advisors told me I had to do this, and, as you know, dealing with the press is a necessary evil for politicians.
Reporter X: Okay. Hopefully this will go better than you expect.
Clinton: I doubt it. First question.
Reporter X: What will your interplanetary policy be, and how does it contrast with Donald Trump’s?
Clinton: You know, I can’t tell if Donald wants to provoke a war with the Martian Colonies, or if he wants to have sex with every female on Venus. My policy is simple and clear. As the leader of the free world, I will do what ever the Martian Colonial government tells me to do, and make sure that every nation falls in line.
Reporter X: Wow.
Clinton: It has been the policy of every of every President since Truman. Donald Trump’s Unprecedented and reckless comments about the Martian Colonies endanger all life on Earth. You know, I don’t even think he knows the difference between a native Martian, and a Colonial Martian.
Reporter X: Probably not. Now in your long career, you’ve had the opportunity meet many aliens from across the Universe. What has been your most profound conversation with an alien?
Clinton: Well as you said, I’ve met with many aliens from around the Universe, and let me tell you, we have a very big Universe. My science advisors say it is shaped like a doughnut and what is can see has a diameter of 93 billion light years and growing. Now I’ve met many aliens as the First Lady, a senator, and Secretary of State, but who knows—
Reporter X: You can’t think of one profound conversation you’ve had with an alien?
Clinton: Of course I can, but I know how the media works, and I especially know how the Bolingbrook Babbler works! How many days and hours did your staff spend spying on my husband trying to prove he was having an affair with an alien?
Reporter X: He was.
Clinton: That’s beside the point. Why weren’t you spending those hours uncovering the interstellar terrorists who are trying to undermine our vaccination efforts? Their dangerous propaganda could lead to the death of millions!
Reporter X: You don’t have to shout—
Clinton: So your Mayor can shout, and Donald Trump can shout, but I can’t shout or move my hands?
Reporter X: Point taken.
Clinton: No! The point is the media has been obsessing over every little rule we’ve bent, and trying to uncover every thing I choose to keep a secret. Did you think I wanted the world to know that I lost money on a land deal? Why did your colleagues have to keep digging into my family? What do you think is more important? Trying to prove beyond a doubt that Bill was unfaithful to me, or pointing out that a man who wants his followers to assassinate me is a major party’s nominee. A nominee who has an estranged relationship with the truth and a death wish for humanity! You know, even if people don’t like me, you cannot deny that I am overqualified to be President.
Reporter X: But—
Clinton: But wait! Even if the vast Right Wing conspiracy impeaches me, I would be succeeded by Tim Kaine, who is qualified to be President. Even if they get rid of him, Speaker Paul Ryan is somewhat qualified to be President. All of us are more qualified than Donald Trump. If you vote for me, our country. If you vote for Donald Trump, you could lose your life in a nuclear war! I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be Blue than dead.
Reporter X: You know, you could have mentioned your conversation with Queen Klpu from Xipu in the Andromeda Galaxy.
Clinton: I could have mentioned that private conversation, but I feel better after venting.
Reporter X: Let’s get back to Trump in a bit. I have a lot of questions about him—
Clinton: And I have many more talking points about him.
Reporter X: Some former Bernie Sanders supporters say they are going to support Jill Sten instead of you. How do you respond?
Clinton: (Laughs.) I will just say this. Most of his supporters are with me. Bernie Sanders is with me. Jill Stein isn’t with me. She’s with her top corporate supporters, AON, Xoom, IBM, Thoughtworks, and UPS. She’s with people who believe in dangerous myths about vaccines. She’s with Assad. She’s with people who think wifi is dangerous. I’m with you.
(Bill Clinton walks into the room.)
Bill: Hillary! The secret service is adding drones to our security detail.
Clinton: You know, it’s just like @lolgop said. Taxpayers pay for Donald Trump’s Secret Service protection, and they’re going to be paying more for my protection, thanks to his speech. Yet, we still don’t know if Donald paid taxes this year.
Also in the Babbler:
Blogger from the Orbit ‘monitors’ Babbler’s web site
Aliens threaten to quarantine Earth if Trump wins
Bolingbrook High School bans aliens from playing football
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/12/16