Monday, June 27, 2016

Manchester Mumbler: New World Order to close English and Welsh UFO Bases

By Reporter Zed

The New World Order announced the closing of all UFO bases in England and Wales just days after the controversial Brexit victory. 

NWO Second Observer John Hammer announced the decision.  “It is clear to us that if these two countries cannot be a part of the European Union, they cannot be a part of a greater interstellar community.  In other words, xenophobia means no more access to aliens!”

Hammer announced that the bases would be closed over the next two years.  Employees at the current bases would be given the opportunity to relocate to Scotland, which voted to remain in the European Union.  Hammer did not say how many jobs the two nations would lose, or how many new jobs would be created in Scotland.

Hammer also hinted that new bases could be opened in Northern Ireland.  “The New World Order will make it worth your trouble if there are no more troubles.”

Paul, an operative with M68a, confirmed that the closure of the bases would lead to a reduction in the number of paid skeptics.  He said that not as many would be needed in the United Kingdom, and that the New World Order would tolerate some sightings as a way to improve the Scottish tourism industry, following the death of the Loch Ness Monster.

“Unless you are a skeptic named Richard Dawkins, Richard Wiseman, or Hayley Stevens, consider yourself in the queue for possible right-sizing.”

Also discussed at the press conference:

  • Hammer blamed the Priory of Sion for the success of the Leave campaign.  “Britain was on the verge of uniting the world, but their leaders listened to their lies and dismantled the empire.  We offered them the chance to be part of a united world, but they listened to the Priory’s lies again.  So have fun with your hyper-inflation and worthless pension funds!”
  • The NWO currently has no plans to allow Scotland to annex Manchester and Liverpool.  “Such a move would make the sheeple suspicious, and we can’t have that.” said Hammer.
  • When asked about Labour Party leader Jermey Corbyn, the NWO officials smiled.  Paul then said, “We thought it would be funny a year ago to get him elected.  Now the joke is stale.”

Also in the Manchester Mumbler:

The Page Three Sheep is back!
Cryptozoologists try to clone Nessie
MP demands a Trident missile be fired at Trump Tower
King Arthur to return on 30/6/16 

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