Monday, June 27, 2016

Manchester Mumbler: New World Order to close English and Welsh UFO Bases

By Reporter Zed

The New World Order announced the closing of all UFO bases in England and Wales just days after the controversial Brexit victory. 

NWO Second Observer John Hammer announced the decision.  “It is clear to us that if these two countries cannot be a part of the European Union, they cannot be a part of a greater interstellar community.  In other words, xenophobia means no more access to aliens!”

Hammer announced that the bases would be closed over the next two years.  Employees at the current bases would be given the opportunity to relocate to Scotland, which voted to remain in the European Union.  Hammer did not say how many jobs the two nations would lose, or how many new jobs would be created in Scotland.

Hammer also hinted that new bases could be opened in Northern Ireland.  “The New World Order will make it worth your trouble if there are no more troubles.”

Paul, an operative with M68a, confirmed that the closure of the bases would lead to a reduction in the number of paid skeptics.  He said that not as many would be needed in the United Kingdom, and that the New World Order would tolerate some sightings as a way to improve the Scottish tourism industry, following the death of the Loch Ness Monster.

“Unless you are a skeptic named Richard Dawkins, Richard Wiseman, or Hayley Stevens, consider yourself in the queue for possible right-sizing.”

Also discussed at the press conference:

  • Hammer blamed the Priory of Sion for the success of the Leave campaign.  “Britain was on the verge of uniting the world, but their leaders listened to their lies and dismantled the empire.  We offered them the chance to be part of a united world, but they listened to the Priory’s lies again.  So have fun with your hyper-inflation and worthless pension funds!”
  • The NWO currently has no plans to allow Scotland to annex Manchester and Liverpool.  “Such a move would make the sheeple suspicious, and we can’t have that.” said Hammer.
  • When asked about Labour Party leader Jermey Corbyn, the NWO officials smiled.  Paul then said, “We thought it would be funny a year ago to get him elected.  Now the joke is stale.”

Also in the Manchester Mumbler:

The Page Three Sheep is back!
Cryptozoologists try to clone Nessie
MP demands a Trident missile be fired at Trump Tower
King Arthur to return on 30/6/16 

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Monday, June 20, 2016

Game of Thrones fans riot at Clow UFO Base

Did this scene from Game of Throne inspire aliens to riot?
By Reporter X

Warning:  Spoilers for the Game of Thrones Episode: Battle of the Bastards.

Over 100 aliens rioted at Clow UFO Base following the broadcast of the most recent Game of Thrones episode.  Clow reports75 arrests and an undisclosed amount of damage to the base.

A source connected to Clow’s security team said blamed Clow officials for the fans getting out of control.  “Most of our team was so busy focusing on the NBA Finals watching parties, that we forgot about the Game of Thrones watching parties.”

Initially, the parties were peaceful.  Gol Paco, from Alpha Centauri, said she spent most of her savings to make the trip to Clow.  “HBO Interstellar doesn’t show first run episodes of Game of Thrones. I watched the first eight episodes of this season thanks to smugglers.  When they the authorities killed them, I was mad, because I wanted to see how this season ends.  So I had to make the trip.”

After the episode ended, many aliens took to the corridors to celebrate the Stark family’s victory against sadistic ruler Ramsay Bolton.  One reveler yelled, “After six years, something good finally happened to the Starks! I no longer feel guilty for watching the Starks suffer!”

According to some eyewitnesses, the violence began when some aliens started drinking goat cheese shakes.  

Said another source connect to the security team, “The show said that fermented goat’s milk makes humans drunk.  It also makes some of our visitors very drunk and violent.”  

Eyewitnesses aren’t not sure if the riot started over an argument about why Rickon ran in a straight line as Ramsay shot arrows, or whether Yara Stark should marry Daenerys Targaryen.  At some point, the fans started smashing windows and setting Segways on fire.

“Winter is coming!”  One rioter yelled.  “Let’s start a fire!”

Using a combination of riot foam and physical restraint by the Men in Blue, the Riot ended after 15 minutes.  Several were injured, but there were no reported fatalities.

A lawyer for one of the accused rioters vowed to get her client off on First Amendment grounds.

“That particular section of Clow is managed by the United States government, and that means my client has the right to do anything as long has he is saying something!  My client was saying how much he loves Game of Thrones.  So I call upon Mayor Roger Claar to apologize for arresting him.  UFO bases can burn.  The Constitution is sacred!”

When reached for comment, Claar replied, “I’m sorry, I’m not a fan of Iron Man.  We are talking about the Marvel shows, right?”

Sources at Clow say they will allow for viewing parties of the season finale, but promise tighter security during the broadcast.

Also in The Babbler

Richard Carrier banned from Clow UFO Base
Werewolves celebrate first full moon of the summer
Palatine vows to have one police officer for every resident
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/25/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Never forget

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Monday, June 6, 2016

Dr. Gorski and Orac seen together for the first time

Dr. Gorski and Orac photographed together for the first time.

Eyewitness at a Reason Rally after party fundraiser in Washington DC claim to have seen bloggers Dr. David Gorski and Orac on the same stage.

Said one eyewitness, “I wanted to say, ‘Oh my God!’ but I didn’t because I don’t believe in God.”

This public appearance could finally dispel rumors that the two science based medicine bloggers are the same person.  Their first public appearance was for an exclusive fundraiser for feline cancer research.  It was in honor of Anti-psychic Kitty, a feline fellow at the Chicago Center for Inquiry, who died of cancer this year.

According to the eyewitnesses, Gorski gave a 15 minute talk about the current state of feline cancer research.  Then he spoke warmly about his e-mail exchanges with APK, who, like the other feline fellows, had human level intelligence.

“He was a sweet cat, and alway wrote the nicest e-mail to me.  He even offered to use his anti-psychic powers to kill a psychic and leave him or her on my doorstep.  I guess that’s a sign of love from a cat.”

After the speech, Cassie, another feline fellow, gave a 15 minute introductory speech for Orac.  Orac then walked on stage wearing a full head mask and trench coat.  He then proceeded to give a 45 minute speech slamming “quackademia” in veterinary medicine.  

“When an animal is in pain, you should give it medicine.  Don’t give it water and pretend the pet is getting better!  I don’t blame some pet caregivers for trying alternatives to actually treating pain.  I blame vets who victimize poor animal and blind caregivers with woo!  It’s stories like this that remind me why homeopathy is one of the most important things to oppose!  There’s a special place on my blog for the respectful insolence these quacks deserve!”

After his speech, Orac walked off to a standing ovation.  Andy, the other surviving feline fellow then jumped on the podium and entertained the audience for 10 minutes by tossing a shiny ball in the air.  

Finally, he stopped and said, “You’re about to see history!”  The audience cheered as Orac and Gorski walked on the stage at the same time.  

“We just proved Natural News wrong again.”  Said Gorski.

Beth, who asked that we not use her last name, also witnessed the historic moment.  “At first, I thought Orac shrank between finishing his speech, and coming back on stage.  Then I realized I was anomaly hunting, and that would make me a bad skeptic.  I’m not a bad skeptic, so I had to conclude that I really did see Orac and Dr. Gorski on stage at the same time.”

“When reached for comment, a spokesperson for CFI denied the event happened, and that they are caring for super-intelligent felines.

In the background, a man could be heard saying, “Don’t worry, Lyz.  We know you did the best you could with such short notice.  We’ll just have our surrogates blame PZ Myers for the low attendance.  Then we’ll give you four years to plan the 2020 Reason Rally.  We know you’ll do a great job with it!”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens celebrate as Clinton clinches nomination
Sanders begs New World Order to appoint him President
MRAs demand all male version of Fried Green Tomatoes
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/9/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.