Wednesday, May 4, 2016

New World Order dismisses complaint against Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

The New World Order dismisses a complaint about UFO traffic over Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

“Clow UFO Base is the reason Bolingbrook exists.”  Read the Executor’s ruling.  “If you don’t like UFOs, don’t live in Bolingbrook!  If you don’t want to be abducted, don’t sleep anywhere on Earth.”

The anonymous Bolingbrook residents complained that since Clow was recertified as an Intergalactic Space Port, UFO traffic has quadrupled over the past month.  Local alien abductions, they claim, have increased by 625 percent.

“I don’t feel safe in my home, in my car, or on the sidewalk.”  Wrote one of the complainants.  “Even a generous award from the NWO Good Neighbors Fund might not be enough to let me heal from the trauma of living so close to a UFO Base.”

The Executor said all Bolingbrook residents are aware of the inconveniences of living within the operating radius of a UFO base.  “All you have to do is read the Bolingbrook Babbler to know that the odds of participating in a sample return study are greater in Bolingbrook.  Just because a resident may not believe the Babbler, does not mean a resident is now aware of the content of the Babbler.  The complaint is without merit.”

The Executor also struck down their claim that Clow UFO Base increases the odds of Bolingbrook being involved in an alien war.

“You are more likely to see Jamie Kilstein endorse Donald Trump than you are to be killed in an alien conflict.”

Village Attorney Jim Boan praised the ruling.  “We demonstrated why Clow is not only largest urban UFO Base in the world, it is also the best run urban UFO base in the world.  Real Bolingbrook residents are proud of Clow UFO Base.”

In a separate ruling, the NWO decided to let the lawsuit against Clow Airport proceed.

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar denied the existence of the New World Order, and said Claar refuses to ever be interviewed by the Babbler again.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Hello Hillary Campaign?  Can you pretend to accidentally post a sign in my yard, and I’ll pretend to be outraged?”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook braces for influx of pro-Tump Canadians
Pro-alien super PAC to make donation to Mayor Claar
Chicago ponders adding cyborgs to police force
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/6/16

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