Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Hillary Clinton delivers concession speech at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton delivered her concession speech at Clow UFO Base following her narrow loss in the Democratic Party’s Interplanetary Primary.

“Thanks to your hard work, we accomplished our most important task: We prevented Senator Bernie Sanders from getting 100 percent of the delegates!  That means he’s going to lose the nomination!  This close vote means there’s no way my friends, I mean my superdelegates, I mean the superdelegates, will turn against me!”

Though some polls suggested she could win the Interplanetary Primary, Clinton lost by 5 votes.  This was the closest Interplanetary Primary result since Mike Gravel defeated then Senator Barack Obama by 100 votes back in 2008.  Sources within the Clinton campaign say she will not contest the result.

Despite the loss, the crowd enthustically greeted Clinton following an introduction by popular galactic blogger Stephanie Zvan.

“I’ve risked my reputation by supporting Hillary.”  said Zvan.  “Tonight, as I look out at all of your smiling faces, I’m proud to say, I’m with her!”

Much of her speech was spent attacking Donald Trump.

“The American people have a choice.  Do they want a President who wants to commit suicide by the hands of the Martian Colonies, or do they want a President who loves the Martian Colonists, even if they don’t love humanity back?”

Later in the speech, the crowd started cheering, “Feel the Bern,” after a Sanders supporter took over the audience promoter screens.  Security removed the man.

“Don’t hurt him.”  said Clinton.  “We don’t run those kinds of rallies.”

“Party unity my ass!”  the man yelled back.  “If Bernie can’t burn the system, Trump will!”

Hillary collected her self for a few seconds before responding.  “You know, there are many good people who supported my former opponent in the primary.  I look forward to meeting with them, and adding their energy and enthusiasm to our campaign.  I’m not going to talk about them now.  I’m going to talk about the Berniebros and their allies, the Berniebabes.  They don’t care about running a country.  They just want our country to burn, and I don’t want our country to burn.  I want it to be a burning beacon of hope!  

“My husband told me back in 1991, back in the dark days of the Reagan-Bush years, that if the Democrats ever wanted to win the White House back, we had to throw someone under the bus.  So we threw Jessie Jackson under the bus.  In 1996, we threw welfare recipients under the bus.  In 2008, I was thrown under the bus.  This year, I say to Bernie’s supporters, you have a choice: Get on the bus, or feel the crushing weight of the bus!”

After the speech, Clinton had a short meeting with alien ambassadors and business leaders, before flying back to New York.  She is expected to take a short break before the final primaries in early June.

Also in the Babbler:

George Smith denied asylum on Pluto
TSA to hire psychics to speed up screening
Chicago Skeptics to unveil 2016’s list of ‘un-awesome people’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/20/16

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