By Reporter X
Clow UFO Base employee Derrick Z. Thompson threw one of shoes at the ambassador from Planet X.
“You may have killed the dinosaurs, but you won’t kill us!” he yelled as Men in Blue tackled him. “You’ll have to deal with Donald Trump this time! He will make life on Earth great again!”
Ambassador Gluck Zopucke, representative from the farthest planet in our solar system, yelled back at the protester. “We are a peaceful civilization. Don’t believe the lies the UFO conspiracy theorists tell you!”
Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar apologized to Zopucke for the outburst. “Don’t worry. When we’re done he won’t even remember his way back home.”
Zopucke told members of the interstellar press that he hoped his visit would dispel many of the lies told about his planet by “greedy lying humans.”
“Our planet is called Plockdock, not Nibiru! It never gets closer than 200 AU from Earth. We’ve never sent any asteroids or comets towards Earth. Why would we? We find it fascinating that life can exist on such a hellishly hot place as Earth. I can’t understand why so many Earthlings are afraid of us.”
Thompson is currently in solitary confinement. His lawyer says he hopes the trial will prove that his client was justified in attacking Zopucke.
“Trump believes that you must always show strength, even if your foe is technologically advanced, and can destroy all of humanity. He was just showing his strength and following his religious devotion to Trump.”
ZockGot, a resident of the Zeta Reticuli system, said he and his friends were responsible for starting the initial rumors that Plockdock was heading towards Earth.
“We were playing with a telepathic transmitter, and a woman named Nancy Lieder was the only who could hear us. We thought it would be funny to mess with her. We figured that scientists would explain our jokes, and she would laugh, and move on with her life. We didn’t realize our actions would lead to the Heaven’s Gate suicides and bigotry towards the residents of your farthest planet.”
Claar assured the ambassador that the rest of Clow’s staff would be friendly and supportive towards him.
The Trump campaign release the following statement: “Earth has lost too many species to the reckless orbit of Nibiru. The Republican Establishment, lead by the alien Ted Cruz, wants to sacrifice the rest of us to spare their lives. Only Trump can defeat Nibiru, and destroy the Republican Establishment once and for all!”
Also in the Babbler:
Clintons buys more UFO ads
Flat Earth Society demands equal time in Valley View 365u classes
Space monks spotted in Lisle
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/5/16