Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Gov. John Kasich vows to ban abortion at all US UFO bases

By Reporter X

Ohio Governor and Republican Presidential candidate John Kasich announced that if elected President, he would ban abortion at all UFO bases in the United States.

“I wanted to name a fetus as my running mate, but my advisors said that was unconstitutional.  So this is the next best thing.”

During the press conference at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, Kasich touted the closing of half of  Ohio’s abortion clinics as proof that he can end abortions at UFO bases.

“While Donald Trump is winning states, and Ted Cruz is naming a failed business woman as his vice-presidential candidate, I’m talking about the only issue that matters!  I want to make sure that no alien fetus is ever aborted!”

Extraterrestrial reporters, who struggled to pronounce his last name, questioned how he could keep this promise.  Especially since many interstellar treaties require abortion access at all bases.

“Simple.” he replied.  “I slowly start passing more and more regulations regarding abortions.  Before Planned Parenthood can complain, abortions will become practically impossible to perform.  It’s working in Ohio, and with my unlimited authority as President, I can do it faster!”

During the conference, a protester shouted about its abortion.

“If I had given birth to my offspring, it would have devoured all life on Earth!  My abortion saved your life!”

Kasich smiled, and said, “Wow.  Someone cares enough about my candidacy to protest!”

Men in Black also arrested an alien who they accused of trying to impregnate Kasich.  The being never got closer than 2000 yards from Kasich.

Thomas Xavier, Director of UFO Base Operations, laughed at the announcement.  “This is a desperate attempt by a fail politician to garner the support of Alex Jones voters in Indiana!  He knows full well that the President has no power to regulate abortions at UFO Bases.  The New Order supports abortion access and this is one of the few things we believe humanity should have a choice about.”  Xavier later added, “The Illuminati has already decided who the Republican nominee will be.  Spoiler alert:  It’s not him.”

When asked to comment, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar replied, “As much as it would help my mayoral campaign, I will not accept any nomination from the Republican Convention, if it were held today.”

Also in the Babbler:

Atheist leader blames aliens for making her embezzle money
Male ‘facial enhancement’ company considers Bolingbrook factory
Superheroes plan protest at ‘Civil War’ premiere
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/30/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Village of Bolingbrook braces for contested Presidential conventions

Chief Tom Ross grimly watches the monitors showing the chaos inside and around Bolingbrook.  Pro-Ted Cruz militias celebrate after seizing Clow Airport.  Militant Pro-Hillary Clinton Meetup groups control The Promenade.  Bernie Sanders supporters dance in the parking lot as Bolingbrook High School burns.
“The whole world is Berning!”  One protestor yells at a security camera.

Military units loyal to Donald Trump lay siege on Mayor Roger Claar’s home, demanding that he acknowledge Trump as the one true Republican nominee.  Claar’s repeated offers of alcohol to the troops are refused.

Feeling slighted by Hillary Clinton, Black Lives Matter protesters have shutdown all highways in the major cities.  Hundreds are blocking the interchange between I-355 and I-55.

Deputy Mayor Leroy Brown, severely wounded, limps into the command center to assume command.  Seconds later, a video message from Republican nominee appears on the screen.

“You guys are doing a heck of a job.”  said Jeb Bush.  “You don’t need my help to fix things.”

This was one of many scenarios gamed out by the Public Safety Department.  According to sources within the department, the village needs to be prepared in case both the Democratic and Republican conventions become brokered conventions.  Some officials fear that Democratic voters could rise up if the Super Delegates have the deciding vote for the nomination.  There are also concerns that Donald Trump supporters could rise up if the nomination vote goes past the first round.

“If there is even a .0001 percent chance that this country will descend into anarchy if both parties don’t have a scripted national convention, we have to be prepared.”  said one source.  “The only warning we might get are Bernie Sanders supporters throwing fire bombs at Village Hall.”

Another source agrees that the village should be prepared.

“If Bernie supporters think the establishment has stolen this election, they might be tempted to become revolutionaries.  And I don’t mean the kind that sell newspapers in Chicago.  I mean that kind that are willing to kill people until they’ve taken over the government.  Never mind that he was the one who put the super delegates into a position to decide this election.  On the other hand, Hillary’s supporters might be driven over the edge if she loses a second time.  They might hire people to convert their harmless drones into killer drones.  We could have drone warfare in our country.  Drone warfare should only happen in other less developed countries.  Not here!”

When asked to comment, a receptionist for Claar denied that the village was preparing for a violent uprising.

“Really guys.”  she said.  “We both know that the American people are too apathetic to start a revolution today.  They’ll just treat the conventions as an expensive reality show.  When its over, they’ll go back to their lives.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar could be heard talking on the phone.

“Hi Doctor.  The State Republican Committee says I can’t skip the Republican convention unless I’m having surgery that week.  Can you schedule a surgery for me?  I don’t care.  Just something that gets me out of the convention.  Besides brain surgery!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, April 11, 2016

Trump supporter throws shoe at ambassador from Planet X

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base employee Derrick Z. Thompson threw one of shoes at the ambassador from Planet X.

“You may have killed the dinosaurs, but you won’t kill us!”  he yelled as Men in Blue tackled him.  “You’ll have to deal with Donald Trump this time!  He will make life on Earth great again!”

Ambassador Gluck Zopucke, representative from the farthest planet in our solar system, yelled back at the protester.  “We are a peaceful civilization.  Don’t believe the lies the UFO conspiracy theorists tell you!”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar apologized to Zopucke for the outburst.  “Don’t worry.  When we’re done he won’t even remember his way back home.”

Zopucke told members of the interstellar press that he hoped his visit would dispel many of the lies told about his planet by “greedy lying humans.”

“Our planet is called Plockdock, not Nibiru!  It never gets closer than 200 AU from Earth.  We’ve never sent any asteroids or comets towards Earth.  Why would we?  We find it fascinating that life can exist on such a hellishly hot place as Earth.  I can’t understand why so many Earthlings are afraid of us.”

Thompson is currently in solitary confinement.  His lawyer says he hopes the trial will prove that his client was justified in attacking Zopucke.

“Trump believes that you must always show strength, even if your foe is technologically advanced, and can destroy all of humanity.  He was just showing his strength and following his religious devotion to Trump.”

ZockGot, a resident of the Zeta Reticuli system, said he and his friends were responsible for starting the initial rumors that Plockdock was heading towards Earth.

“We were playing with a telepathic transmitter, and a woman named Nancy Lieder was the only who could hear us.  We thought it would be funny to mess with her.  We figured that scientists would explain our jokes, and she would laugh, and move on with her life.  We didn’t realize our actions would lead to the Heaven’s Gate suicides and bigotry towards the residents of your farthest planet.”

Claar assured the ambassador that the rest of Clow’s staff would be friendly and supportive towards him.

The Trump campaign release the following statement:  “Earth has lost too many species to the reckless orbit of Nibiru.  The Republican Establishment, lead by the alien Ted Cruz, wants to sacrifice the rest of us to spare their lives.  Only Trump can defeat Nibiru, and destroy the Republican Establishment once and for all!”

Also in the Babbler:

Clintons buys more UFO ads
Flat Earth Society demands equal time in Valley View 365u classes
Space monks spotted in Lisle
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/5/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, April 4, 2016

Pro-Trump UFO attacks pro-Cruz UFO

A UFO with the Trump logo attacks a UFO with a Cruz logo.
By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Men in Blue arrested alien supporters of Donald Trump after their craft fired on a UFO with a Sen Ted Cruz presidential campaign logo.  No causalities were reported on either ship, though both ships sustained heavy damage.

Bolingbrook’s Department of Extraterrestrial Affairs praised security officials at Clow UFO Base for their handling of the dog fight.

“Thanks to our interceptor pilots, our S.W.A.T. team, and our strong Men in Blue, the situation was under control before either craft crashed.  Emotions are high on in the Republican campaign, but that does not excuse any visitor from initiating ariel assaults.”

Both crafts were on their way to Wisconsin to advertise for their candidates.  The Wisconsin Primary is considered a must-win for both candidates, UFO advertising is considered a major key to victory.

Koligo, commander of the Ted Cruz ship, claims her crew did nothing wrong.  “I was just supporting my ex-lover.  We had a thing before he married Heidi, so don’t get the wrong idea.  Ted is so sexy.  Where was I?  Yeah.  We were on our designated flight path when those brutish Trump supporters started attacking us!  Their ship is just like Trump: Flashy and full of worthless (Expletive deleted)!”

Doug Z. Roberson, lawyer from the Trump crew, tells a different story.  “She started it!  She flew her ship into my clients path and almost caused a mid-air collision!  Now I’m not sexist, but I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to blame her feminine flying skills for this incident.  The mere fact that she is a woman supporting Ted proves she has poor judgement.  All women love Donald once they get to know him!”

Clow officials stress that this is the first violent incident this year since UFOs were allowed to display political ads this political season.  

“Most crews don’t care about politics.”  said one anonymous official.  “They just want the covert credits.  We shouldn’t focus on this one shooting incident.  We should focus on how well behaved our visitors have been.  The Clinton and Sanders UFOs haven’t been shooting at each other, and we know how high tensions have been between those two.”

Wisconsin flyovers are expected to continue until the primary on Tuesday.  “Abduction canvassing” has been banned since April 1.

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar’s boycott of Chicago media show no sign of ending
Church of Neil deGrasse Tyson opens in Bolingbrook
Mayor Claar denies funneling money to a Uranus shell corporation
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/8/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.