Monday, March 7, 2016

Will County officials blame President Clinton for canceling early voting in Bolingbrook

President Clinton
Will County officials are blaming President Clinton for the canceling of early voting in Bolingbrook.

According to sources within the county clerk’s office, staff members were testing a Bolingbrook early voting station when a man wearing a Hillary Clinton jacket walked in.  He used duct tape to secure one end of a measure tape, and started unrolling it.  Two staff members followed the man.  After walking 101 feet, he stopped.  In front of him stood President Clinton.  The President introduced himself.

“My wife loves me.  You might know her.”  They all laughed.  “Anyway, she ordered pizza for me, but forgot that I can’t eat any.”

Clinton then pointed towards a 28’ trailer with a Hillary logo on it.  The doors opened to reveal a heated interior packed with pizza boxes.

“Would you like a slice?”

The gathered officials claimed to be shocked.

“He had enough pizza to give every resident 3 two slices.”  said one official.  “I’ve heard of a chicken in every pot, but this was too much!”

The officials asked Clinton to leave, but he refused.  “I learned my lesson in Massachusetts.  I am safely outside the perimeter of the voting booths.  I am not leaving here until I give away all of my wife’s New York style pizza.”

“You’re in the Chicago area!”  protested one official.

“I can’t help it if New York has better pizza.”

After calling County Clerk Nancy Schultz, the officials decide to close the polling station.  

“If arrested the President, we’d never hear the end of it from the Clinton campaign.  If we let him stay, first we’d hear from the Sanders campaign.  Then we’d get cyber attacked by the BernieBros.  It wasn’t worth it.”

The sources claim Clinton made a phone call.  Then they heard a women yelling over the speaker.

“Bill!  We’ve got Will County locked up!  You were supposed to go to the College of DuPage and neutralize their student vote.”

“But I’ve heard so much about the mayor of—”

“You know what happens to people who disrupt organizations that are protected by the secret service?”

“I know.  I’ll see what I can do.  I love you.”

“I love you too.  But it’s my turn to be the President now.  You have to trust me now.  Just like I trusted you back in the 1990s.  Only this time any stained blue dress in the white house will be mine and the stain will be coffee!”

County officials nor the Clinton campaign officially comment for this story.

When reaching the Sanders campaign, a woman could be heard in the background listing all the privileges the senator should check.  After several minutes, a man who sounded like Sen. Bernie Sanders commented.

“Notice that I waited my turn to speak.”

Also in the Babbler:

Soviets promise not to attack Bolingbrook during the spring
Libertarians petition to change Rand Road to Rand Paul Road
Aliens scientists say vaccines do not cause autism in humans
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/13/16

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