Thursday, March 24, 2016

Web Exclusive: Anti-psychic Kitty dies after two year battle with cancer

Anti-psychic Kitty
Anti-psychic Kitty, a genetically engineered house cat who radiated the highest levels of anti-psychic energy ever recored, died Wednesday night.  A spokesperson for The Center for Inquiry Chicago confirmed his passing.

“Anti-psychic kitty lost a two year battle with lymphoma tonight.  Science kept him alive for so long, but it cannot defeat cancer.  He will be missed.”

CFI’s other feline fellows commented on his passing.

In an e-mail Cassie wrote, “I’ll kind of miss him, but others will miss him more.  In a universe without a god, to be missed is the greatest compliment.”

Andy released a simple statement.  “APK has gone away.  I am sad.”

Anti-psychic kitty was genetically engineered by the James Randi Educational Foundation as part of their secret anti-psychic pet project.  The goal was to create pets that could be given to famous psychics.  The pets would radiate anti-psychic energy and suppress their owner’s power.  APK’s energy was so strong that a psychic’s would exploded if they used their power near him.

The JREF claimed to have suspended the program, but the discovery of felines Cassie and Andy, as well as four dogs, proved that the program continued for at least six more years.  All the surviving pets were eventually transferred to CFI, and awarded fellowships.

APK, who could communicate though translation collar or by using the Internet, spent most of his life working against “woo.”  During the JREF’s Amazing Meetings, APK would be hidden on stage while psychics attempted to win the million dollar prize in front of an audience of skeptics.

“My job was to stay hidden and in range of my energy field.  If a person on stage survived, then we knew that they weren’t psychic.”

Despite his murderous energy, APK was regarded as a kind and loving cat who was dedicated to promoting the virtues of scientific skepticism and reason.  His caretakers describe how he loved to be petted and always seemed happy.

After being diagnosed with lymphoma, APK ghost wrote many articles denouncing alternative medicine, especially by veterinarians.  

“The alternative to medicine is death.  Placebos may make owners feel good about themselves, but they do nothing else.  We need to speak for those who cannot speak for themselves.  Expensive tap water is no substitute for medicine!”

In lieu of flowers, CFI Chicago asks instead that mourners make a donation to their local animal shelter.

Out of character:  River, the cat who portrayed Anti-psychic Kitty, died on 3/23/16, also of lymphoma.  He was loved, and he will be missed.

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