Monday, March 14, 2016

Naperville police ‘put down’ early voting zombies

Naperville police confirmed “putting down” 20 zombies who attempted to vote early in the Republican Primary.

“We’re proud of the brave officers who protected the integrity of the Republican ballot.”  Said an anonymous spokesperson for Naperville Mayor Steve Chirico.  “Thanks to their efforts, the zombie apocalypse has been canceled!  I’m referring to the wrong movie, aren’t I?”

Eyewitness agreed that the twenty zombies marched on the Naperville early voting station early in the morning.  Some witnesses claimed that the zombies were moaning, “Rubio.”

Said one witness.  “They all looked like they had recently died.  It was scary to watch, but fortunately they were moving very slowly.”

So slowly, that the zombies were still in the parking lot by the time Naperville’s SWAT team arrived.  At first, the officers didn’t know how to stop the zombies.

“Our Walking Dead training videos said to shoot them in the head.  That didn’t work.  They still kept asking to vote for Marco Rubio.  Some of them even pulled out their photo IDs.  It was temping to let them vote because they had photo IDs, but this is DuPage County.  Here, you lose your right to vote once you die.”

After several minutes, the officers were able to round up the zombies and cut off their limbs.

“Unlike movie zombies,” said one officer, “These zombies didn’t have super strength.  They were easy to subdue.”

The zombies were taken to an incinerator and “put down.”  The ashes are being examined by scientists to determine if they can be safely disposed of.

The leaders of Naperville for Rubio were questioned by police  but have not been charged.

David, a spokesperson for the group, denied any involvement with the zombie uprising, but did offer an explanation.

“Marco Rubio’s message of reform is so strong that he’s bringing Republicans, both living and recently dead, together to oppose Donald Trump.  Donald Trump is so wrong for this country and so wrong for the 21st Century that we can’t let the voters decide this election!”

Also in the Babbler:

Sanders orders Chicago communists not to use guns 'now'
Mayor Claar reminds aliens not to vote in the primary
Lisle trees order residents not to vote for Trump
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/17/16

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