Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Donald Trump threatens to nuke the Martian Colonies

By Reporter X

Donald Trump warned the interstellar press corp that he isn’t afraid to use nuclear bombs against the Martian Colonies.

“What are they supposed to be?  One year ahead of us?  One million years ahead of us?  Something like that.  So they think they can come here and take one of our planets?  You know what they really are.  Interstellar gang bangers.  That’s what they are.  They come here, steal a planet, and then tell us what to do.  Even the New World Order listens to them.  No more!  They bleed just like us, and that means they can be nuked!  If we want to make America great again, we can’t be afraid to throw the triad at them.  This polls well across the galaxy.  I’m also in interstellar star!”

When a reporter tried to explain that the Martian Colonies predate the United States, and are the most technologically advanced race in the galaxy, Trump shook his head.

“Who gives a (expletive deleted)?  Really?  They’re just like bankers.  They threaten to take everything from you, but all you have to do is declare bankruptcy, and you’re fine.  Our nuclear tripods are just like bankruptcy court.  One and you’re done.  Or in the case of these little green men, we might need to drop two.”

When pointed out that “little green men” is considered a racist term against aliens, Trump shrugged.  “Political correctness is more dangerous to our great country than the Martians are.  You want to talk about offensive?  Let’s talk about the Martians!  Why can’t we call them simply Martians?  Look at how popular I am.  I’m huge!  That means I’m big enough to stand up to the Martians.  Say it with me.  Martians.  Not Colonists.  Not Colonies.  Not Martian Colonies.  Martians!  I’d like to punch their leader in the face.  He's not smart.  He’s very sad.”

Experts familiar with the aliens in our solar system were horrified by Trump’s remarks.  Many pointed out that the Colonists are one of the few species capable of intergalactic travel, and have the most powerful military in the Milky Way.  The experts also note that colonial government has publicly states its disdain for the human race, and it is feared that they would use any excuse exterminate humans.

“I don’t know Trump’s IQ, but starting a war with Martian Colonies is stupid!”  said one expert.  “There’s a reason why we rank our bases by how many seconds they could last against a colonial attack.  They are that powerful!”

When reached for comment, the Colonial Consulate at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base said there were no immediate plans to commit genocide.”

“We are confident that Donald will inflict plenty of harm on the human race.  We will enjoy watching the panful reality unfold on our (screens).”

When this reporter tried to contact Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar, who is also the head administrator of Clow UFO Base, his receptionist replied that he was in the middle of political strategy session and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar yelled, “You have to do better than win one state!  I’m desperate.  As a member of the State GOP Committee, I’m expected to support the Presidential nominee.  There is no (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted)  way I’m putting a Donald Trump sign on my lawn!”

A man who sounded like Marco Rubio replied, “I’m the only who can beat Donald Trump.  I can feel the people gravitating towards me.  There are no more boundaries.  I’m bringing the Republican together in a big rave of love.  I love my party.  I love that I have a bigger— It’s hot in here!”

Over a sucking sound, Claar asked, “Is that you, or is that the e-talking?”

After several more seconds of sucking, the man said, “Why do you ask?”

Also in the Babbler:

Comcast employés customer service reps from parallel universes
Soviets spies sabotage but fail to stop move to Promenade
Sales of nuclear blast shelters skyrocket in Bolingbrook following Trump victories
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/5/16

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