Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Zack Snyder directing political ad for Mayor Roger Claar

Sources around Bolingbrook confirm that Zack Snyder, Batman V. Superman, is filming an ad for Mayor Roger Claar’s reelection campaign.

A source close to Claar explained.  “This is part of our scorched earth strategy for the 2017 campaign.  This time we’re not taking any chances that someone substantive will try to run against him.  With this quality ad, and a large media buy, it will be insane to run against Roger.  As you know, when it is insane to run against Roger, only the insane will run against him.  You are going to remove my ableist remarks, right?”

Debbie, who claims to be a village employee, says she saw part of the pitch meeting between Claar and Snyder.  “Zack walked in, and the first thing he said to Roger was, “Don’t worry, we can fix you with CGI.’  I’m surprised that Roger allowed him to stay.”

Paul, another employee, claims to have heard part of the script review.  According to him, Claar objected to a major scene.

Claar: You are not doing this to her!
Snyder:  She was boring in your outline.  This will make her more interesting.
Claar:  She’s interesting enough.
Snyder:  I have a quota to—
Claar:  No!

Both agree that when Claar presented Snyder with the ad’s budget, he replied, “Oh my.  I might have to actually film in Bolingbrook.”

Several people claim to have been extra during one the outdoor filming.  Dan, who asked that we not use his last name, claims he overheard an argument between Claar and Snyder.  

Claar:  I am not wearing this green spandex suit!
Snyder:  It’s for the CGI.
Claar:  No.
Snyder:  We’ll work on it.
Claar:  And are you going to reveal my big line?  Is it, “This is Bolingbrook?”
Snyder:  No.  It’s, “Vote for me if you want to live.”
Claar:  You aren’t really filming a Terminator movie, are you?
Snyder:  No.

Paula described one scene in the ad.  “We had to stare at several green screens.  At one point, Zack yelled, ‘Roger just sent bombers to destroy Beaconridge.  React.’  Then he yelled, ‘You see the residents of Naperville’s slums approaching.  Panic!’  When someone told him there were no slums in Naperville, he didn’t take it well.  ‘How dare you attack my artistic vision!  This is my vision.  This is my Fountainhead!’”

The ad is expected to run in December of this year.  Though one extra is skeptical.

“I’m sure Zack really filming one of the Justice League movies.  I’m right, then this is the greatest honor since I was an extra in a Nicholas Cage movie!”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook residents complain about political ads on UFOs
Alien claims to have had an affair with Ted Cruz
Soviets threaten Bolingbrook with heat wave this summer
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/1/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Web Exclusive: Anti-psychic Kitty dies after two year battle with cancer

Anti-psychic Kitty
Anti-psychic Kitty, a genetically engineered house cat who radiated the highest levels of anti-psychic energy ever recored, died Wednesday night.  A spokesperson for The Center for Inquiry Chicago confirmed his passing.

“Anti-psychic kitty lost a two year battle with lymphoma tonight.  Science kept him alive for so long, but it cannot defeat cancer.  He will be missed.”

CFI’s other feline fellows commented on his passing.

In an e-mail Cassie wrote, “I’ll kind of miss him, but others will miss him more.  In a universe without a god, to be missed is the greatest compliment.”

Andy released a simple statement.  “APK has gone away.  I am sad.”

Anti-psychic kitty was genetically engineered by the James Randi Educational Foundation as part of their secret anti-psychic pet project.  The goal was to create pets that could be given to famous psychics.  The pets would radiate anti-psychic energy and suppress their owner’s power.  APK’s energy was so strong that a psychic’s would exploded if they used their power near him.

The JREF claimed to have suspended the program, but the discovery of felines Cassie and Andy, as well as four dogs, proved that the program continued for at least six more years.  All the surviving pets were eventually transferred to CFI, and awarded fellowships.

APK, who could communicate though translation collar or by using the Internet, spent most of his life working against “woo.”  During the JREF’s Amazing Meetings, APK would be hidden on stage while psychics attempted to win the million dollar prize in front of an audience of skeptics.

“My job was to stay hidden and in range of my energy field.  If a person on stage survived, then we knew that they weren’t psychic.”

Despite his murderous energy, APK was regarded as a kind and loving cat who was dedicated to promoting the virtues of scientific skepticism and reason.  His caretakers describe how he loved to be petted and always seemed happy.

After being diagnosed with lymphoma, APK ghost wrote many articles denouncing alternative medicine, especially by veterinarians.  

“The alternative to medicine is death.  Placebos may make owners feel good about themselves, but they do nothing else.  We need to speak for those who cannot speak for themselves.  Expensive tap water is no substitute for medicine!”

In lieu of flowers, CFI Chicago asks instead that mourners make a donation to their local animal shelter.

Out of character:  River, the cat who portrayed Anti-psychic Kitty, died on 3/23/16, also of lymphoma.  He was loved, and he will be missed.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, March 21, 2016

Atheists filming Banachek series in Bolingbrook

Mentalist Banachek (Promotional Image)
The controversial Roku network, Atheist TV, will be filming their new series in Bolingbrook this month, which stars mentalist Banachek.

American Atheists spokesperson Jill Goodfellow explained why they’re filming in Bolingbrook.  “Television shows, like The Mentalist, have been copying Banachek for years.  Our show will feature the real Banachek, and Bolingbrook is the best place to film our series.  That, and its too expensive to film in Las Vegas or Los Angeles.  For a modest donation to a charity we won’t name, we were given permission to film anywhere in Bolingbrook!  It’s a great deal for our small network!”

According to Goodfellow, Banachek will play a professional skeptic who travels around the country to expose psychic frauds.  If he finds a real psychic, he’ll give that person one billion dollars.

In one scene, filmed on Lindsey LN, two men stood outside a house with a sign that read, “Talk to the Dead: Special discount today.”

Man 1:  I can’t wait to conduct my tests on Zantada!  This time, I know we’ll get conclusive proof she’s a psychic
Man 2: This investigation will make Daily Grail the most important web site on the Internet, and silence those skeptics once and for all.
(Old man walks out)  
Old Man:  Sorry.  The other investigator arrived early, and convincingly debunked Zantada.  Your services are no longer needed.
(Man walks out)
Man 1:  Banachek.
Man 2:  Or is it really pronounced Bandana?
Banachek:  You know, there’s a Polish saying.  It doesn’t matter how many rubber duckies you have in the bathtub, a cat will alway find a real mouse.

Goodfellow denied that the show is a remake of the TV series Banacek.

“Maybe that show was based on who they thought Banachek would become.  If that’s the case, we’re doing the show as it was meant to be done.  It’s the only rational answer!”

An anonymous Bolingbrook police officer claimed to pulled over Banachek.

“He was driving a car while blindfolded. I said that he needed to have a clear view of the road.  This is amazing.  He read my badge number, said I needed to shave, and asked why police car looked nothing like the movie versions of the Bolingbrook police department.  I let him go because his sixth sense seemed good enough for me.”

Though Banachek will be leaving at the end of the month, Goodfellow say that he may return soon.

“He’s featured in the new Karen Stollznow novel, Hits and Mrs.  If we find the right people, and if she lets us use a script that gives Banachek a larger role, we might film in Bolingbrook again.  With a little CGI, we can make Hidden Lakes look like the Australian Outback!”

Also in the Babbler:

Alien arrested for causes Clow Airport plane crash
Illegal space aliens captured at Bolingbrook Oberweis
Officials warn of UFOs disguised as drones spying on Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/25/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, March 14, 2016

Red Deer Reporter: Officials brace for possible Trump exodus

City officials believe that if Donald Trump is elected president, 25% of Red Deer’s residents could try to immigrate to the United States.

“Many residents aren’t happy living under Alberta’s New Democratic Party.”  said one anonymous city official.  “They say it’s too nice to people who aren’t exactly like them.  So if Donald Trump become President of the United States, they might leave.  One the one hand, it means we would have less people to provide services to.  On the other, it means we would lose part of our tax base.”

Leon Z. Miller is one of those residents who would try to move to the United States.

“My ancestors moved here after the Civil War because they lost their country and didn’t want to be part of the Union.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I like being a part of the Texas of the North, but the winters are terrible!  If Donald Trump wins, I want to move back and help him rebuild the Texas of the South!  Trump will make the Confederate States of America great again!  You know what I mean?”

Doug X. Peters, a spokesperson for the City of Red Deer, speculated that some residents would try to move to the United States if Donald Trump is elected.

“Keep in mind.  His whole campaign is based on throwing immigrants out of the United States.  I don’t think he’d wanted new immigrants coming in, even if they are from Canada.  If anything, it might inspire him to build a wall along the Canadian border and force us to pay for it.  I think we have better things to do with our money than build walls.  So I think we should all stick together and keep Red Deer great!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Rochelle Reader: Trump supporters accused of shooting at UFOs

Donald Trump (file image by Michael Vadon)
By Reporter X

Officials at Rochelle IL’s Hub 35 UFO Base believe Trump supporters are shooting at UFO as they try to land.

Thomas Xavier, the New World Order’s Director of UFO Base Operations in Illinois, denounced the attacks.  “We don’t mind when Donald Trump stirs things up at his rallies.  We do mind when his supporters start shooting at our visitors.  This needs to stop.”

Xox Knox, a visitor from Kepler 186 f, says her ship was attacked as it flew over Rochelle.

“When the sensors lite up, I thought it was a malfunction.  Instead, someone was shooting at us with a hunting rifle.  The shells held, but I was so mad, that I almost returned fire.  Unfortunately, you’re laws prevent us from properly defending our honor!”

Doug, who asked that we not use his last name for fear of being visited by the Men in Black, defended shooting at UFOs.  

“There are thousands of aliens flying over Rochelle everyday.  How can we know that all of them are here legally?  We don’t!  That’s why we need to ban UFOs until we can figure out what’s going on in my galaxy.  If Obama can’t persuade them to stay away with his words, I’ll do it with my gun!”

A spokesperson for Trump said the campaign was looking into paying the legal fees of anyone who shot at a true alien spacecraft.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Manchester Mumbler: Richard Dawkins to endorse Donald Trump?

Some political observers believe that Professor Richard Dawkins is on the verge of endorsing US Presidential Candidate Donald Trump.

“It’s obvious!”  Said Carl Wetton, amateur political pundit.  “First, Michael Shermer offered a semi-endorsement of Trump, then backed away.  Now Neil deGrasse Tyson just posted a tweet attacking people who attack Trump!  These two men are testing the waters for an eventual Dawkins endorsement.”

Other political experts who returned e-mails to the Mumbler believe that Dawkins and Trump would be united in their opposition to Islam and to political correctness.  An endorsement from Dawkins, some believe, would strengthen support for Trump’s foreign policy proposals.  Some of the experts expressed concern that a Dawkins could be the only thing, besides Trump converting to Satanism, that would hurt Trump among evangelical voters.

Mark Z. Klein PhD, who sent an unsolicited e-mail to the Mumbler, doubts that Dawkins will endorse Trump.

“Whatever you think Dawkin’s views actually are, he believes himself to be a liberal.  He might try to work with a President Trump to destroy Islam, but his view of himself as a liberal would prevent him from actually endorsing Trump.  Besides, CFI’s Office of Public Policy is run by Michael De Dora.  Even if Dawkins runs CFI now, there’s no way he’s going to risk conflict with De Dora by endorsing Trump.  At the best, we’ll probably see a lot of  ‘I don’t always agree with Trump, but he’s right about this’ tweets from the professor.”

An anonymous member of Trump’s campaign team wouldn’t confirm if Dawkins planed to endorse Trump.

“Let’s just say everyone the Donald considers smart endorses him.  If the professor wants to keep his reputation as a smart person, he’ll know what to do.”

CFI and Dawkins did not returns requests for comment.

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Naperville police ‘put down’ early voting zombies

Naperville police confirmed “putting down” 20 zombies who attempted to vote early in the Republican Primary.

“We’re proud of the brave officers who protected the integrity of the Republican ballot.”  Said an anonymous spokesperson for Naperville Mayor Steve Chirico.  “Thanks to their efforts, the zombie apocalypse has been canceled!  I’m referring to the wrong movie, aren’t I?”

Eyewitness agreed that the twenty zombies marched on the Naperville early voting station early in the morning.  Some witnesses claimed that the zombies were moaning, “Rubio.”

Said one witness.  “They all looked like they had recently died.  It was scary to watch, but fortunately they were moving very slowly.”

So slowly, that the zombies were still in the parking lot by the time Naperville’s SWAT team arrived.  At first, the officers didn’t know how to stop the zombies.

“Our Walking Dead training videos said to shoot them in the head.  That didn’t work.  They still kept asking to vote for Marco Rubio.  Some of them even pulled out their photo IDs.  It was temping to let them vote because they had photo IDs, but this is DuPage County.  Here, you lose your right to vote once you die.”

After several minutes, the officers were able to round up the zombies and cut off their limbs.

“Unlike movie zombies,” said one officer, “These zombies didn’t have super strength.  They were easy to subdue.”

The zombies were taken to an incinerator and “put down.”  The ashes are being examined by scientists to determine if they can be safely disposed of.

The leaders of Naperville for Rubio were questioned by police  but have not been charged.

David, a spokesperson for the group, denied any involvement with the zombie uprising, but did offer an explanation.

“Marco Rubio’s message of reform is so strong that he’s bringing Republicans, both living and recently dead, together to oppose Donald Trump.  Donald Trump is so wrong for this country and so wrong for the 21st Century that we can’t let the voters decide this election!”

Also in the Babbler:

Sanders orders Chicago communists not to use guns 'now'
Mayor Claar reminds aliens not to vote in the primary
Lisle trees order residents not to vote for Trump
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/17/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Web exclusive: Secret messages found in press release for The Orbit atheist blog network

Logo of The Orbit, a godless blog network
Shortly after the launch of The Orbit, a network of atheist social justice blogs, some claim to have found hidden messages in their press release.
The Orbit: Atheist Social Justice Blogging Site Launches A new atheist blogging site, dedicated to working on social justice both in and out of organized atheism, launches today. Located at the-orbit.net, The Orbit is being created by bloggers from all corners of progressive atheism, including the Freethought Blogs network, the Patheos Atheist channel, Skepchick, and independent blogs 
"The word 'orbit' resonates with what we're doing, on many levels," says Greta Christina. "We love the connection with science and astronomy, with Galileo and other heretics who changed the world -- and we love the reminder that we all orbit something and none of us is the center of the universe."
The Orbit is a diverse collective of atheist, humanist, and other non-religious bloggers who are committed to social justice, both within organized atheism and outside it. "It's not just atheism that's struggling with social justice," says D. Frederick Sparks. "Organizations across the board are neglecting the needs of marginalized people, and aren't willing to look at the ways they make those people feel unwelcome. We plan to be one of the outposts for social justice atheism -- but also for social justice in every community we care about." 
Bloggers at The Orbit include Alex Gabriel, Alix Jules, Alyssa Gonzalez, Ani, Ania Bula, Aoife O'Riordan, Ashley F. Miller, Benny Vimes, Brianne Bilyeu, Chris Hall, D. Frederick Sparks, Dana Hunter, Dori Mooneyham, Greta Christina, Heina Dadabhoy, Jason Thibeault, Luxander Pond, Miri Mogilevsky, Niki M., Sincere Kirabo, Stephanie Zvan, Tony Thompson, and Zinnia Jones, with a lineup that is continuing to grow. "We're extremely proud of our team," says Tony Thompson. "They represent some of the strongest, most insightful voices in atheism." The Orbit is structured as a collective, with all bloggers having a voice in decisions and contributing to day-to-day operations. The site is launching a Kickstarter campaign to cover operating costs and pay bloggers for their work. 
The network plans to continue a friendly, collegial relationship with bloggers at Freethought Blogs, Skepchick, Patheos Atheist, and elsewhere. "There's room for lots of blog networks and media sites in organized atheism," says Luxander Pond. "This is a fast-growing community." Recent major changes at Freethought Blogs provided many Orbiters with the impetus and opportunity to rethink what they wanted from a blog network. "Ultimately," says Stephanie Zvan, "we decided to seize the opening to build something new, with a new structure and vision."
More information is available at the-orbit.net/about-us. For media inquiries, contact Ashley F. Miller at Ashleyfmiller@gmail.com.

According to two members of the Friendly Atheist network, who asked to remain anonymous, their research led them to discover hidden messages in the press release.

The first member explained the process.  “First you have to translate it into arabic, which we assume it was originally written in.  Then we used Google Translate to translate it back into English.  Then into Klingon and then back to English.  Then we read the press release loud and recorded it.  There we adjusted the levels using Pi as a guideline, because one of the bloggers mentioned Pi in her post first post.  Then we multiplied some of the levels by 42 because some of them are science fiction fans.  Then we played it backwards.  As you hear, the messages are pretty clear.  Once you know what you’re trying hear, of course.”

According to the second member, these are the messages hidden within the press release.

“PZ turned me off.”

“Here’s to my sweet Che!”

“We are unworthy of Hemant Mehta’s friendship!”

“We sold your brains for clicks.”

“Be anything but cis and straight!”

“We’re burning for Hillary.”

Both members expressed concerns about the hidden messages.

“They could make atheists burn copies of The God Delusion, practice polyamory, and have sex change operations.  This is not good.  If this isn’t true, all they have to do is reply to the e-mail we sent them.  They haven’t!  True freethinkers know what that means.”

Mehta nor members of The Orbit could be reached for comment.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, March 7, 2016

Will County officials blame President Clinton for canceling early voting in Bolingbrook

President Clinton
Will County officials are blaming President Clinton for the canceling of early voting in Bolingbrook.

According to sources within the county clerk’s office, staff members were testing a Bolingbrook early voting station when a man wearing a Hillary Clinton jacket walked in.  He used duct tape to secure one end of a measure tape, and started unrolling it.  Two staff members followed the man.  After walking 101 feet, he stopped.  In front of him stood President Clinton.  The President introduced himself.

“My wife loves me.  You might know her.”  They all laughed.  “Anyway, she ordered pizza for me, but forgot that I can’t eat any.”

Clinton then pointed towards a 28’ trailer with a Hillary logo on it.  The doors opened to reveal a heated interior packed with pizza boxes.

“Would you like a slice?”

The gathered officials claimed to be shocked.

“He had enough pizza to give every resident 3 two slices.”  said one official.  “I’ve heard of a chicken in every pot, but this was too much!”

The officials asked Clinton to leave, but he refused.  “I learned my lesson in Massachusetts.  I am safely outside the perimeter of the voting booths.  I am not leaving here until I give away all of my wife’s New York style pizza.”

“You’re in the Chicago area!”  protested one official.

“I can’t help it if New York has better pizza.”

After calling County Clerk Nancy Schultz, the officials decide to close the polling station.  

“If arrested the President, we’d never hear the end of it from the Clinton campaign.  If we let him stay, first we’d hear from the Sanders campaign.  Then we’d get cyber attacked by the BernieBros.  It wasn’t worth it.”

The sources claim Clinton made a phone call.  Then they heard a women yelling over the speaker.

“Bill!  We’ve got Will County locked up!  You were supposed to go to the College of DuPage and neutralize their student vote.”

“But I’ve heard so much about the mayor of—”

“You know what happens to people who disrupt organizations that are protected by the secret service?”

“I know.  I’ll see what I can do.  I love you.”

“I love you too.  But it’s my turn to be the President now.  You have to trust me now.  Just like I trusted you back in the 1990s.  Only this time any stained blue dress in the white house will be mine and the stain will be coffee!”

County officials nor the Clinton campaign officially comment for this story.

When reaching the Sanders campaign, a woman could be heard in the background listing all the privileges the senator should check.  After several minutes, a man who sounded like Sen. Bernie Sanders commented.

“Notice that I waited my turn to speak.”

Also in the Babbler:

Soviets promise not to attack Bolingbrook during the spring
Libertarians petition to change Rand Road to Rand Paul Road
Aliens scientists say vaccines do not cause autism in humans
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/13/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Donald Trump threatens to nuke the Martian Colonies

By Reporter X

Donald Trump warned the interstellar press corp that he isn’t afraid to use nuclear bombs against the Martian Colonies.

“What are they supposed to be?  One year ahead of us?  One million years ahead of us?  Something like that.  So they think they can come here and take one of our planets?  You know what they really are.  Interstellar gang bangers.  That’s what they are.  They come here, steal a planet, and then tell us what to do.  Even the New World Order listens to them.  No more!  They bleed just like us, and that means they can be nuked!  If we want to make America great again, we can’t be afraid to throw the triad at them.  This polls well across the galaxy.  I’m also in interstellar star!”

When a reporter tried to explain that the Martian Colonies predate the United States, and are the most technologically advanced race in the galaxy, Trump shook his head.

“Who gives a (expletive deleted)?  Really?  They’re just like bankers.  They threaten to take everything from you, but all you have to do is declare bankruptcy, and you’re fine.  Our nuclear tripods are just like bankruptcy court.  One and you’re done.  Or in the case of these little green men, we might need to drop two.”

When pointed out that “little green men” is considered a racist term against aliens, Trump shrugged.  “Political correctness is more dangerous to our great country than the Martians are.  You want to talk about offensive?  Let’s talk about the Martians!  Why can’t we call them simply Martians?  Look at how popular I am.  I’m huge!  That means I’m big enough to stand up to the Martians.  Say it with me.  Martians.  Not Colonists.  Not Colonies.  Not Martian Colonies.  Martians!  I’d like to punch their leader in the face.  He's not smart.  He’s very sad.”

Experts familiar with the aliens in our solar system were horrified by Trump’s remarks.  Many pointed out that the Colonists are one of the few species capable of intergalactic travel, and have the most powerful military in the Milky Way.  The experts also note that colonial government has publicly states its disdain for the human race, and it is feared that they would use any excuse exterminate humans.

“I don’t know Trump’s IQ, but starting a war with Martian Colonies is stupid!”  said one expert.  “There’s a reason why we rank our bases by how many seconds they could last against a colonial attack.  They are that powerful!”

When reached for comment, the Colonial Consulate at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base said there were no immediate plans to commit genocide.”

“We are confident that Donald will inflict plenty of harm on the human race.  We will enjoy watching the panful reality unfold on our (screens).”

When this reporter tried to contact Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar, who is also the head administrator of Clow UFO Base, his receptionist replied that he was in the middle of political strategy session and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar yelled, “You have to do better than win one state!  I’m desperate.  As a member of the State GOP Committee, I’m expected to support the Presidential nominee.  There is no (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted)  way I’m putting a Donald Trump sign on my lawn!”

A man who sounded like Marco Rubio replied, “I’m the only who can beat Donald Trump.  I can feel the people gravitating towards me.  There are no more boundaries.  I’m bringing the Republican together in a big rave of love.  I love my party.  I love that I have a bigger— It’s hot in here!”

Over a sucking sound, Claar asked, “Is that you, or is that the e-talking?”

After several more seconds of sucking, the man said, “Why do you ask?”

Also in the Babbler:

Comcast employés customer service reps from parallel universes
Soviets spies sabotage but fail to stop move to Promenade
Sales of nuclear blast shelters skyrocket in Bolingbrook following Trump victories
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/5/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.