Note: Each year we ask Bolingbrook’s opposition parties to reply to the Mayor Roger Claar’s state of the village address. This year, the Roger Claar Party, the Flat Earth Party, the Bolingbrook Democratic Socialist Party, and Critical Gender Party accepted our invitation.
The Roger Claar Party
“A great mayor deserves a great party”
(Note: The Roger Claar Party is not affiliated with Roger Claar.)
The state of Bolingbrook is great! Crime is down. Shopping is up, and a new apartment complex is being built as we speak. Bolingbrook just celebrated it’s golden anniversary and has many more golden years ahead.
We can thank Roger for this success! There’s a reason why this true PhD graduate is Bolingbrook’s greatest leader! He has given us so much and we are glad that he will run for re-election in 2017.
But what have we given Roger in return? A village board that barely supports him. When the media accuse Roger of firing a hearing officer for ruling against the village, did they invest their own money to create a pro-Roger web site? When people on Topix attack our Mayor, do the trustees rush to his defense? Of course not!
Roger’s has done great things as mayor. Imagine what he could do if he had a party that really supported him. You can make that a reality in 2017!
The Flat Earth Party
“Flat is where it is at!”
Who cares about economic policies, apartments, and malls? Bolingbrook residents want to know how you will stand up to the Round Earth Conspiracy?
Plate Earth Theory is gaining traction. Celebrities like B.o.B and Tila Tequila are risking their careers to preach the flat-out truth about our flat Earth. Why would they take this risk, unless they truly believed in what they were saying.
Roger, who are you going to trust? Your own eyes, or dead greeks? Everyone in Bolingbrook knows the truth. Why are you afraid to say it?
America wants leaders who aren’t afraid to speak their minds. Bolingbrook, there is no better encore to electing President Trump than to elect us as the leaders of Bolingbrook. Vote for us, and Bolingbrook will be ground zero for flat earth advocacy!
The Bolingbrook Democratic Socialist Party
Roger spent most of his speech talking about economic growth and low taxes. We have a simple question for him. Who’s profiting from all this growth? Out of town businesses, and the Bolingbrook 1%, that’s who. With Roger being rewarded in campaign fund donations.
That’s not right. The people of Bolingbrook work hard, and get peanuts in return. That’s why we want to enact a village minimum wage, create an income tax for residents making over $10 million a year, and create a single payer system for all residents. Residents have contributed to Bolingbrook’s profits. They should see more for their work besides shopping malls and overpriced low quality apartments!
Critics make fun of us for owning iPhones. There’s noting wrong with owning an iPhone. We just want to workers who build the phones to get a larger slice of the pie. Likewise, Bolingbrook residents deserves a larger slice of their local pie.
Today, thousands of Bolingbrook residents are feeling the Bern. If you want Bolingbrook to Bern too, then vote for us. Because Bernie Sanders doesn’t just need your votes, he needs you to extend his revolution from the White House down to your neighborhood!
Critical Gender Party
They’re scary and they’re coming out of the closet. They don’t think like us, and they’ll call you out if you say what you really think. They want to change how we think about boys and girls.
We’re the ones who want to get in their way and yell “stop!” We are the Gender Critical Party.
The Goddess gave us our private parts for a reason. We don’t care what male scientists say, gender can be debated. Gender organs cannot!
Sure most so-called trans people are nice. But if there’s even a .00000000001% chance that a man will pretend to be a woman to enter the women’s room, we can’t risk it! We have to protect our bathrooms.
That’s why we were disappointed with Roger’s speech. He never mentioned how he would address our concerns. We’ll have to do it ourselves!
We want the village to have inspectors at every public bathroom in Bolingbrook. It will be their job to make sure that people with the right organs are directed to the right bathroom. In this crisis situation, we no longer have the luxury of “private parts!”
We’re also calling for a ban on same sex bathrooms in Bolingbrook. Are family bathrooms worth the risk of something bad happening? We don’t think so.
Don't be afraid of being labeled a TERF. You should vote the party that will support the gender status quo in Bolingbrook!
Also in the Babbler:
Trump insults Martian Colonists
Mayor Claar’s interstellar campaign fund doubles in size.
New World Order promise $.50 gas in Chicago this year
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/30/16