Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Manchester Mumbler: NFL’s Raiders threaten move to Manchester

Photo by Daniel.
(Note:  From time to time, we like to post articles from our sister publications around the world.  Today we are featuring the Manchester Mumbler in the UK.  Spellings have been Americanized for this web post.)

Will the Oakland Raiders relocate to Manchester next season?  Sources say team officials have been secretly meeting with Councilors to work out a deal.

“We always have room for one more football team.”  said a source close to Lord Mayor Paul Murphy.

Since the NFL rejected their bid to build a stadium and move to Los Angeles, the Raiders have been looking for a new home, as well as trying to get more money to build a new stadium in Oakland.  Though the mainstream American media have focused on other American cities as the Raiders’ new home, Councilors say Manchester is a top candidate.

“The NFL has held games in London.”  Said a councilor, who asked to remain anonymous.   “Mark Davis (owner of the Raiders) says London is too expensive, and the residents are too uptight.  He says Manchester is the perfect fit for the Raiders.  He first said that Manchester would be a colony of the Raider Nation.  I told him he shouldn’t use the word ‘colony’ because some of us are still upset the US quit the British Empire.”

The sources agree that the Raiders would play their 2016 games at Etihad Stadium.  A sticking point in the negotiations, however, is the plan for the new stadium.  The Raiders want a ($2 Billion) stadium funded entirely by the tax payers, promises to upgrade the stadium every time a new NFL stadium is built, a promise to never tax the team, and an open lease that allows the Raiders to leave relocate any time they want to.

The councilors, however, proposed building a modest stadium, in exchange for majority ownership of the team, a promise that the team will pay their local taxes, and the signing of a 2000 year lease.

“Unlike Saint Louis, we want to make sure we get paid in full for our stadium.  What’s good for a small town in the midwest is even better for Greater Manchester!”

Anonymous city employees say surveys prove there is local interest in bringing an NFL team into Greater Manchester. 

Phil Z. McMillion is one of those interested residents.  “It is just fascinating to watch Americans beat each other up while playing a ball.  They give new meaning to the word ‘overkill.’  Only Americans could turn a child’s game into war game!”

John Stinson agrees.  “American football players are so big and strong that they can hit each other with same force as small car!  The medical bills from just one NFL game could fund the NHS for a decade!”

The NFL and the Raiders could not be reached for comment.

Also in the Mumbler:

Donald Trump banned from all Commonwealth UFO Bases
Jeremy Corbyn: Police should have guns, not bullets
Police: ‘The Pusher’ is a zombie

God to smite Manchester on 1/2/16

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