Saturday, December 31, 2016

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2017

Boy did our psychics get 2016 right. We predicted Russian interference in the US elections, a contentious Republican primary, Deadpool being one of the biggest grossing films of 2016, and we predicted that Donald Trump would win the election.

The remnants of the skeptical movement might point out that we weren’t defeated by Israel in 2016, and the Supreme Court did not rule the Presidential Election unconstitutional.  True, but predicting the future the future isn’t an exact science.  We know that goes against scienceism, but it is true.

We also offer the same disclaimer for our 2017 predictions.  Unlike previous years, our psychics came out of their trances screaming in pain, and even more unsure of their visions.  But through the power of crowdsourcing, we have high confidence in these predictions.

The Trump inauguration gets off to a rough start.  While the USA Freedom Girls perform, a live shot of Trump’s private security force pointing guns at their manager will be broadcast over the Internet.  Trump will also mumble during the oath of office, leading many liberals to wonder if he actually took the oath.  Obama will also roll his eyes 100 times during the speech, inspiring many Internet memes.

Trump will also be photographed kissing Ivanka Trump on the lips, though he will later insist it was innocent, though, "I love my daughter more than I should."

Trump’s speech will mostly be forgettable, except for the last line, where he will order an invasion of Mexico, in retaliation for a shooting incident near the Mexican boarder.  The media will be too busy broadcasting the bombings to ask if the incident really happened.

The race between Jackie Traynere and Mayor Roger Claar will be very close.  Claar will attempt to distance himself from his past support of Trump.  However, a mainstream journalist will overhear him talking on the phone.

“I risked my political future and destroyed my reputation as a moderate Republican by organizing a fundraiser and giving you over $7000 dollars.  You owe me at least $7 million, but I’l take $1 million!  Hello?”

Celebrities will die, but not as many as in 2016.

Vladimir Putin and Trump announce that they will no longer target their nuclear weapons at each other.  Instead, they will target the rest of the world.  The new doctrine will be called “World Control.”

“Vladimir has the best code names.”  Trump will say.  “I’m Colossus.”

“And I’m Guardian.” 

Jay Cutler will be traded to the Green Bay Packers in exchange for Aaron Rogers.  Cutler will lead the Packers to the playoffs, while the Bears will have another losing season.

“They thought they could ruin the Packers by making me the starting quarterback.”  Cutler will say.  “Maybe I wasn’t the problem!  After all, I was the best QB in Bears’ history!”

Congress will keep Obamacare, but rename it Trumpcare.  Anyone who get a subsidy to pay for insurance will have to wear a patch that says “Loser.”  Trumps supporters will love Trumpcare.

After Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel insults Trump, Trump will send out a tweet storm.  “We need to show Chicago that they don’t surround us.  We surround them!  Real Americans should block all the roads leading into Chicago.  Nothing goes in our out until crybaby Rahm apologies.”

In response, truck drivers and rural citizens will set up armed blockades.  The state and national government will not intervene.  Canada will airlift food and supplies into Chicago.

“Trump’s blockade is inhumane.”  Prime Minister Justin Trudeau will say.  “But he does have a lot of expensive buildings around the world.”


At the end of the 2017, Trump will still be President and there will be no nuclear war.  The West Coast states will be threatening to leave the United States.  China’s navy will be in striking range of the United States.  The biggest debate in Bolingbrook will be whether to stay in the United States, or join the rest of Chicagoland as it merges with Canada.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, December 26, 2016

Illuminati adds Skeptics Guide to the Universe to target list

The Illuminati will now target the Skeptics Guide to the Universe podcast as part of its offensive against fact checking organizations.

Blue Standard Bearer Regina made the announcement during a meeting with Bolingbrook mayor Roger Claar.  

“The SGU is ranked number 71 among iTunes podcasts.  That is unacceptable, and needs to be remedied if we want the rest of humanity of live in a post-fact society.”

Following Facebook’s announcement combat fake news stories by using third party fact checkers, the Illuminati launched Operation Body Check.  The Illuminati hopes to convince the majority of humans that “facts” are really talking points that the global elite uses against Donald Trump. and Vladimir Putin. They launched their campaign by planting an article in the Daily Mail against  

“The beauty of that article is that we never accused them of posting false stories.  All we had to do was mention that they employ sex workers and that their co-owner is going through a divorce.  The rest of the media is now doing our job for us.  Just look at how Forbes and Doubtful News are helping us take down Snopes.  Even PZ Myers is mildly critical of Snopes now!”

Regina says they hope to “politicize” the SGU in the same manner.  “Look at contributor Cara Santa Maria.  We don’t have to attack her work at all.  All we have to do is mention that she’s contributed to CNN, Current TV, The Young Turks, and the friends of ‘alt-truth’ will do the rest.  We just have to be make sure that they don’t know she’s also made appearances on Fox News.”

Claar praised the campaign.  “Thanks to the Illuminati, I can now campaign against the Illinois Republican establishment even though I’ve been a member of the establishment for 30 years.”

Dr. Steven Novella, leader of the SGU, defended all of the panelists, and the quality of the podcast.  “It doesn’t matter what the Trump administration says.  Facts are facts.  All of us have different political opinions.  Maria leans to the Left, but she supports vaccines because the facts support them.

Panelist Evan Bernstein added, “Hey, I dream of the day I can vote for a Republican candidate who believes in evolution, knows that climate change is a problem, and wants to give CEOs a tax break!”

Regina says the first anti-SGU articles should appear in early 2017.

Also in the Babbler:

Chicago police ticket Santa
Pro-Claar group to distribute flyers claiming that Bonnie is mayor
Psychic hospitalized after vision of 2017
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/29/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, December 19, 2016

Rochelle Reader: Five suspects arrested for alleged plot against Hanukkah Harry

Five Rochelle men were arrested and accused by the Ogle County Sheriff’s Department of plotting against Hanukkah Harry, the gift-giving elf of Hanukkah.

“Crime is crime.”  Said an anonymous source within the Sheriff’s Department.  “Even if it is against a member of a cabal that secretly runs the world.  Don't give me that look! I’m just saying something politically incorrect.  So that makes it OK!”

Hanukkah Harry is a Jewish elf who used to work for Santa Claus.  On each night of Hanukkah, he visits poor Jewish families and gives gifts to the children that their parents could not afford.  He flies around the world on a cart pulled by three flying donkeys. 

Ogle County deputies, who asked not to be identified, said they raided the home of one of the suspects and discovered high powered rifles, laser pointers, and drones equipped with pipe bombs.  The deputies believe the men were “planning something” for when Hanukkah Harry flew over Rochelle on his way to Rockford.

“Sure Christmas and Hanukkah are around the same time this year.”  Said one of the deputies.  “It’s normally Santa’s night, but I think trying to harm Hanukkah Harry would put anyone on Santa's naughty list.”

Sources say the plot was uncovered while one officer was reading an “Alt-right” Subreddit “HanukkahHarryMustDie.”

“I love the Alt-right forums.”  Said one of the sources.  “This Subreddit, however, went too far, and when I realized it was run by local folks.  Well, unfortunately, I had to do something.”

Paul Z Biksacky, lawyer for the five suspects, says his clients are innocent and called the arrests part of a smear campaign.  “The evidence will show that my clients are being framed by people who have connections to banks.”

One of the suspects was escorted by in handcuffs.  He started shouting.  “Hanukkah Harry doesn’t belong here.  We’re part of the USA, now Jew S.A.!    If you don’t write an unbiased story about me, I’ll flood your Twitter feed with flashing light videos and pictures of gas chambers.  Donald Trump will vindicate me!”

After the suspect left, Kranst continued.  “My clients are not bigots.  They are just suffering from economic anxiety.”

Lydia, a member of Temple Beth-EL in Rockford, denied Hanukkah Harry’s existence.  “We don’t need a Jewish Santa.  We just need to stay true to our traditions, even they need to be reformed every so often.”

A young girl in the background yelled.  “He is real and on Saturday, I’ll hear him call out.  ‘On Moische! On Herschel On Schlomo! May all your candles burn long and bright!  On each and every Hanukkah night!”

Also in the Rochelle Reader:

Russians divert Arctic air towards Illinois
More aliens move into Creston
New World Order agents spotted at Alfano’s
God to spare Rochelle on 12/23/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Alex Jones wins Illuminati’s 2016 Man of the Year award

The Illuminati announced Alex Jones as its winner of the 2016 Man of the Year award during a ceremony at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

Mayor Roger Claar introduced Jones, who hosts the radio and internet show InfoWars.  “For too many years, I was moderate Republican, and I thought I was happy.  When I met Alex, he put me inside a special bubble.  Once I was free from the chemtrails, fluoride, and lamestream media, I finally understood.  My friends, Alex showed me that the Internet isn’t just a place where Bonnie can lie about me.  It's also a place where great men like Alex steam videos and write non-liberal posts.”

Jones took the stage and accepted the award from Claar.  After hugging Claar, he thanked the Illuminati.

“I tell my audience that there's a war for their minds.  Illuminated brothers and sisters, we are winning that war.”

He then told the story of how he was recruited into the Illuminati, which involved many covert meetings in Austin, TX.  Though he appreciated their protection from the New World Order, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to join.  “They told me how the NWO broke off from our society, and wrecked havoc upon the world.  They showed me their true evil plan: One world government,  one economy, and all of humanity forced to live without liberty and in peace. (Expletive deleted) that!  I want a world divided into as many countries as possible!  I want a world where people I hate are forced to live as far away from me as possible.  I also want a world were scientism is recognized as a form of Satanism!”

Jones also celebrated the Illuminati successfully making Donald the President of the United States.  “The heart of liberty is chaos, and Donald Trump is an agent of chaos!  I believe that he will bring a level of chaos and liberty the world hasn't seen Biblical times!”

During the speech, a reptoid help up a sign that ready, “Save your planet! Save yourselves!”  Guards attacked the aliens, and dragged her away.

“Go away!”  Jones yelled. “This is our world.  You can’t tell us what to do! Once we melt the ice caps, and exterminate most life on Earth, the survivors will never again be oppress by big government, big business, and big civilization!”

Jones later noticed Beyonce in the audience and smiles.  “I’m really sorry I have to say bad things about you on my radio program.  That’s just to lure my audience into trusting me.  We are on the same side, and you are my illuminated sister.”

Beyonce smiles and waved back.

Jones then lead the audience in a several minute chant of “Fnord” before leaving the stage.

Claar then retook the stage.  “As long as we have Alex, the NWO doesn’t stand a chance!”

Also in the Babbler

Rob Sherman finally gets to debate God
Anti-Claar businesses fear Trump will tweet about them
Bolingbrook Skeptics celebrate holidays by decorating metal pole and griping
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/15/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, December 5, 2016

Report: US communists ‘woefully unprepared for the revolution’

While the communists in the United States hate President-elect Donald Trump, a new study by a Bolingbrook think-tank says they are “woefully unprepared for the revolution.”
The study, conducted by the Bolingbrook Revolutionary Marxist Party, offers a brutal assessment of communism in The United States.

“There are at least 14 communist organizations in the US. None of them are even close to mounting an armed insurrection.”  The report continues.  “Communists can’t even start a revolution in the South Side of Chicago. The best they could do was have Sunsara Taylor speak at an even with an atheist blogger.”

The report rips into the groups strategies.

“US communist parties are only good at getting their banners at the front of marches they didn't organize, and splintering  Their members spend more time trying to meet their newspaper sales quotas than trying to take over the country.  None of the parties have the tactical skills and leadership to take on the most advanced army in the world.  None of the parties work together.  In the event of a national upheaval, they best some of them can do is contribute to the chaos.  None can bring order to the country, let alone spearhead a global revolution.”

The report did have faint praise for one communist organization.  “Back in the 1980s, Freedom Road Socialist Organization at least gave some thought to actually fighting a revolution, and were somewhat secretive about their plans.  Today they have a wikipedia page, and they’re fighting over which faction should retain the name.”

The report recommends that all communist groups do all they can to stop cults of personalities from forming.  “Let’s be honest.  It didn’t work in the USSR.  It lead to disaster in China, and it is not working in North Korea.”

The report also recommends two possible paths for the future.  The first involves actively recruiting military veterans to gain the skills necessary to fight a revolution.  The second path involves abandoning Marxism, and creating a “truly revolutionary blueprint for a new world.”

“While we were trying to lecture African Americans on Marx, they formed Black Lives Matter.  While we were dictating Maoist ideas to Native Americans, they formed Standing Rock movement.  Maybe instead trying to impose an ideology upon people of color, we should be learning from them instead.”

A spokesman for the Chicago-based Revolutionary Communist Party, USA, blasted the report.  “How dare this front group for Donald Trump attack Sunsara, the greatest liberator of women next to Bob Avakian!  She inspires people to rise up and— Excuse me.  I need to purify my thoughts before we can continue.”

A statistician, who insisted that we not use her real name, gave the report a mixed review.  “OMG.  This is just a collection of opinions.  There are almost no numbers.  Though I do agree with one of its points.  Waiting for the revolution is like waiting for Jesus to return.”

Also in the Babbler:

Trump to recognize Bolingbrook as the “real Chicago”
Aliens boycott Clow UFO Base over Mayor Claar support for Trump
Bolingbrook High School student considered for Department of Labor post
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/9/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, November 28, 2016

New World Order recruits Jackie Traynere to run against Mayor Claar

Image from
By Reporter X

Sources confirm that the New World Order recruited Will County Board member Jackie Traynere to run against Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  The NWO hopes she can defeat defeat Claar, who defected to the Illuminati following President Elect Donald Trump’s victory earlier this month.

Traynere, according to sources who have relatives who work for the county, was initially reluctant to run against Claar.  She explained that she had just been reelected to the board.  

NWO administrator Jordon Z. Blankenship, said he explained to her what was at stake in the April 2017 election.  “Not only is this the last chance for the NWO to peacefully retake Clow UFO Base, this is also a proxy vote for the fate of the human race.  Do Bolingbrook residents want to follow Roger down the Illuminati’s path of global kakistocracy, or do they want to return to  the New World Order’s path of global harmony that has enriched Bolingbrook over the decades.  Their vote will decide how the NWO should proceed.”

Traynere, according to the sources, accepted their offer, and agreed to join the new Bolingbrook United party.  In return, the NWO promised to appoint Sen. Bernie Sanders to modify the NWO’s global agenda.

She allegedly said, “We need new new order that works for everyone, not just the .00001 percent.  If you do that, then I will proudly take down Roger for you!”

Blankenship says he is excited about the Bolingbrook United party’s chances.  “Unlike Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook, we’ve put together the best slate of candidates to destroy, I mean defeat Roger.  Bolingbrook has a choice: Embrace competent and compassionate government, or vote for the cruel mysticism of the Illuminati!” 

Despite the backing of the NWO and Bolingbrook United, many experts believe the mayoral race will be a close one.  “Yes, the NWO has a lot of resources, and many residents didn’t vote for Trump.”   said one expert who asked not to be identified.  “Keep in mind that the Illuminati will be pouring their considerable resources into the race, and I suspect that the Russians will want to help Roger as well.  So I wouldn’t be surprised if Russian fake news sites focused on Bolingbrook go online over the next few months.  This could be the like the Presidential Election all over again.”  She added, “Don’t be surprised if your conservative neighbors tell you that her cleaning company uses Dihydrogen Monoxide and the ‘lamestream media’ won’t tell you.”

A spokesperson for Bolingbrook Untied denied that the party has any ties to the NWO.  “We are a diverse party that represents the diversity of Bolingbrook.” she said.

When called, Claar answered the phone and said, “I will be the unanimous choice of all the legal voters.  Welcome to the Trump United States of America.  Ford!  Don’t laugh.  The ’n’ is silent!”

Also in the Babbler:

Valley View upholds ban on aliens athletes 
CFI’s feline fellows comfort distraught atheists
Trump denies then admits to knowing Mayor Claar 
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/2/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, November 21, 2016

Illinois’ UFO Bases refuse to submit to Mayor Claar

By Reporter X

All of Illinois’s UFO Bases, except Clow UFO Base, rejected Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar authority as the Illuminati’s Grandmaster of Illinois UFO Bases.  Instead, those bases will remain loyal to the New World Order. 

Until last weekend, all of Earth’s UFO Bases were run by the New World Order.  Following the Presidential election victory of Donald Trump, the Illuminati attempted to seize control of all of Earth’s UFO Bases, either by force, or by “persuading” administrators to join them.  The New World Order now controls half of Earth’s bases.  In Illinois, only Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base defected.

Revord X, administrator of Hub 35, located near, Rochelle, IL, transmitted a statement to Claar during his anointment ceremony. “As much as I like Roger, he is now a pawn of Donald Trump, and of the Illuminati.  Roger may align himself with Steve Bannon and the white supremacist movement, but we will not!”

Thomas Xavier, NWO Administrator for Illinois, sent a statement on behalf of the other bases.  “Under NWO’s administration, relations with the Milky Way have never been better, the flow of technology from our visitors into the economy has never been smoother, and we are less risk for being drawn into an interstellar war than ever.  We will not go back to phony mysticism and inefficient ways of the Illuminati.  We will stay with best order.”

Xavier then added a warning from the NWO.  “You think you have gained power, but you have only sealed your village’s fate.  If you want to save your village, turn yourself in now!  It is almost too late.”

Claar, at the end of his anointment ceremony, issued his own warning.  “I endorsed Donald Trump when the snowflake Republicans wouldn’t and I raised money for him.  When I go to the Inauguration in January, not only will he give me all of Chicago’s federal money, He will grant me any favor I want.  Unless you want your bases turned to radioactive rubble, you will submit to me and to the Illuminati.  Ford!  Don’t interrupt me!”

When reached for comment, a reception for the President-elect said he was busy, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trump said, “Bill, you think a presidential motorcade every weekend is inconvenient to the residents of New York City?  How about a Russian annexation?  How’s that for inconvenient?  Bill, you don’t talk to me that way.  I’m the Commander in Chief!  I don’t have to defend you if New Yorkers suddenly decide they want to be Russian citizens!”

Also in the Babbler:

Fermi Lab confirms we are still in our own universe
Valley View District refuses to teach alien theory of Thanksgiving
Trump advisors tell Mayor Claar to sue anyone who runs against him
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/24/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

A message to our readers

By Jenna Olson
Publisher of the Bolingbrook Babbler

When the Bolingbrook Babbler was founded in 1965, my great-grandfather made a promise.  He said that as long as there was a Bolingbrook, there would be a Bolingbrook Babbler

Normally at this time of year, we would re-print articles as a way to celebrate the birthday of our website, which is now 18 years old.  This year I want to do something different.

First, I want to thank our readers.  Your support over the years has been vital to keeping the Babbler going, and to help us stand up to the powerful people who don’t want their secrets exposed.  Secrets like Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, and Mayor Roger Claar’s “campaign stops” across the solar system.  Thanks to you, they can’t stop the Babbler from publishing. Thank you for supporting us.

Second, I want to talk about the future.  We don’t know exactly what the future will bring, but our psychics say that there are dark days ahead for the country and Bolingbrook.  Some worry that the press will be intimidated by President Donald Trump.  You might wonder if we will tone down our coverage now that Roger is friends with Trump. The answer is no.  We’ve covered Roger for over 30 years, and there’s no need to stop now.  You need to know the truth, and be mislead by Internet memes.  We are not a post-truth publication.  Reality matters, even if the skeptics can’t believe it.

So we’ll writing the real stories about Bolingbrook, the most important village in the Milky Way.  I will echo my great-grandfather’s words.  As long as there is a Bolingbrook, there will be a Bolingbrook Babbler.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, November 14, 2016

Illuminati takes over Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

Almost a week after making Donald Trump the President of the United States, the Illuminati regained control of Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  

Over the weekend Illuminati disciples entered Clow and laid siege to the New World Order’s embassies and offices.  There were no causalities, but dozens were injured during the minor skirmishes.

Mayor Claar announced Sunday night, in front of the Interstellar Press Corps, that the siege was over, and Clow now belonged Illuminati.  He then swore the Life Oath, the most binding oath within the Illuminati.  “Sure some people thought the Illuminati was crazy to try to rig the election against the New World Order, and they laughed at the idea of President Trump, but I knew the Illuminati could succeed. I was right, like I always am.  Now I have a message for the New World Order and their political lackeys.  I am Roger Claar, Adept of the Illuminati.  Look upon my works, you cucks, and despair!  Ford!  I mean Fnord!”

Before the election, the Illuminati was perceived as a secret society in decline.  The decline started in the 1970s, when the New World Order split off and seized control of Earth’s UFO Bases.  While they could influence political primaries, it was long assumed that New World Order had the final say in who ruled the United States.

After upsetting NWO candidate Hillary Clinton, Illuminati has now managed to capture over fifty percent of Earth’s UFO Bases, including Clow.  Other bases, include Rochelle’s Hub 52 base, have either repelled the attackers, or still being disputed.

While all NWO members were expelled from Clow, staff and diplomats from the skeptical movement will be allowed to stay at Clow.

Zelda Blanchard, a Skepchick diplomat, expressed her feelings about the new arrangement.  “It stinks having to look outside my office window and see Men in Blue and robed figures stalking us.  I normally don’t care who runs the world, but their choice of Donald Trump from President scares me.  It’s like they saw all the racism and misogyny and wondered how  they could take it to the next level.”

Committee for Skeptical Inquiry staff member Paul, who asked that we not use his last name, said the takeover upset him.  “I wanted to take a break from all the craziness in the world by visiting Clow.  Instead it followed me here.  I can’t escape Donald Trump!”

Opl Glop, an interstellar merchant, said she was fed up with Earth.  “Your species was on the verge of enlightenment.  Now it looks like you want to set your world on fire instead.  After I finish my business here, I’m leaving before the mushroom clouds start popping up.  I’m not along in thinking this!  Earth’s share of the interstellar economy is about the vanish!”

Melania Trump, who will coordinate alien relations for the Illuminati, promised that the Illuminati would do away the “boredom and interconnectedness imposed” by the New World Order.  She said it would be replaced by “isolation and chaos for the many, with prosperity for the few.”

She added, “You will bow down before the ones you will serve.  This is the beginning.  Watch what you say, we can read your minds.  This is the beginning of the end!  I don’t have to cite Trent Reznor, do I?"

Also in the Babbler:

Protesters beg aliens to save them from Trump
Trump says he will and will not bomb Mars
Weredeer celebrate Trump Victory
God is smiting America now!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, November 7, 2016

Letters to the Editor: Time to vote!

By Doug Fields
Reader’s Editor

Our long national nightmare is almost over with.  Bolingbrook residents, along with the rest of the nation, will be voting for our next President.  Will we decide to make Hillary Clinton our first female President?  Will we make Donald Trump our President and hope something is left of our country after four years?

Loyal readers know that we support Clinton, and we’ve stated our reasons why.  We also asked for your thoughts, and boy did you respond.  Here are the best letters we received.

To the Editor:

The Skepchick Party is proud to support Hillary Clinton, who will not only be the first female President, but will also be the first awesome President ever!  

Hillary will need your help.  Our government doesn’t work right now, and if you elect the wrong Congress, it still won’t work.  You need a plan to elect leaders who make our government work again, and keep our country great!

Skepchick, has a post that can help you make your own plan!  If you elect the right people, we can have a government that will not only fight woo, but will build the foundation for a great 21st Century!

Paula Z. Appleton
Head Facilitator of Bolingbrook’s Skepchick Party

To the Editor:

If the Babbler supports Clinton, then I’m supporting Trump!  Do I really need another reason?

Name withheld by request
Bolingbrook, IL

To the Editor:

I’m supporting Gary Johnson because of freedom!

Barry X Kleinhelm
Bolingbrook, IL

To the Editor: 

Jill Stein is the only Presidential candidate who can save humanity for environmental disaster and protect our children from WiFi signals!

If you’re not voting for Jill, then vote for Trump!  Because his administration will result in the mercy killing of humanity, while Hillary will kill us all slowly!  I don’t want to die from small wars, and half-assed environmental policies that will do nothing to stop climate change.  I want to be vaporized in huge Trump nuclear war!

Give me Jill, or give me an extinction level event!

Apple L. Dawn
Bolingbrook, IL

To the Editor:

I support Evan McMullin because the best man to fight terrorism is a former CIA operations officer!

But don’t bother wasting your time writing in his name in Illinois.  Tell your friends in Utah to vote for him.  If he wins Utah, Trump and Clinton won’t have enough electoral college votes to win.  The House of Representatives will decide who will be President.  That’s means Republicans won’t have to support Trump, and Democrats can show their independence by abandoning Clinton!  Everyone will win.

Some unenlightened people might be mad that a man who could only win one state could become President.  I saw this is no time to be mad!  We live in a republic, not a  democracy.  Trump and Clinton have shown that democracy does not work.  A covert operative is the best man to lead a covert war against terrorism, and what would be more covert than a McMullin victory?

Blake Z. Thompkinson
Provo, UT

Also in the Babbler:

Sources: Trump supports Bolingbrook annexing Chicago
Raelians promise to remove swastika’s on their UFOs
Physicists say Dark Energy propelled Cubs to World Series championship
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/9/16

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.