Monday, December 28, 2015

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2016

Will Mayor Roger Claar
become President in 2016?
Every December, our council of psychics gathers together to make predictions for the coming New Year.  Our past predictions have been so accurate, that we suspect that skeptical movement decided to terminate their million dollar prize, rather than aware it to us.

Last year was no exception.  Sure Jay Cutler didn’t become the leader of the Chicago Bears.  He did however, become franchise leader in touchdown passes.  We all agree that Governor Bruce Rauner is trying to run Illinois like a business.  Despite what the skeptics tell you to believe, psychic visions are not clear, and often times their meaning isn’t clear until after the event happens.

So, with that in mind, here are our predictions for 2016:

Despite a massive earthquake which shifts Western California into Oregon and Washington, the NFL will decide not to cancel Super Bowl 50.

“As long as the stadium is still standing, we’ll play the game.”  Commissioner Roger Goodell will say.  “We’re not going to let something like a mass casualty event stop America’s game.  If we do that, Mother Nature wins!  We can’t let Mother Nature win.  Right now I’m not worried about the game.  I’m worried about what I’m going to do with the 49ers now that their stadium is only a few miles from Portland (Oregon).”

***

There will be many sightings of Russian special forces troops in Bolingbrook.  The sightings will start after a Russian soldier will tweet a photo of himself with the caption, “I’m on a secret mission.”  His location will be tagged as Bolingbrook.  After hundreds of sightings, the soldier will admit that he wasn’t on a secret mission, but on vacation.  The Internet will not be convinced.

***
After the primaries, Donald Trump will be 5 delegates short of securing the nomination.  Trump announces that he has the deals in place to win the nomination on the second ballot.

Before the start of the convention, the rules committee will declare most of Trumps delegates ineligible and replace them with “alternate” delegates.  When pointed out that the rules are contradictory and make no sense, the rules chairman will reply, “Come on.  You really didn’t think we were going to let Trump win this, did you.”

Over a thousand armed Trump supporters and delegates will march on Cleveland to demand that Trump be selected as the Republican Party Nominee.  After an exchange of gun fire, resulting in injuries, Trump will come out of a meeting with party officials and say that he is the party’s nominee for President.  The party instead announces that Jeb Bush is the nominee.

“I told you I could fix this.”  He will say.

Both will deliver acceptance speeches at the same time as Trump, with most media outlets covering Trump’s speech.  Then Trump will file a lawsuit against the Republican Party.

***

To the surprise of many, Deadpool will be the biggest superhero movie of 2016, and Batman V Superman will be the biggest flop.  Warners will then announce the cancelation of their cinematic universe.

A critic will explain how this happened.  “Let’s face it.  Comic book fans today are immature adults.  And nothing says immature adult like a Deadpool movie!”

***

Millions will be stunned as the Supreme Court will agree to hear Trump’s case, and put a stay on the US Election.

They will be even more stunned when the Court declares both parties nominees ineligible and declares any voting restrictions on a member of the Electoral College unconstitutional.

Justice Scalia will write the majority opinion.  “The Founding Fathers never intended for the people to directly elect a President.  They are supposed to elect qualified delegates to an electoral college to make the decision for them.  Any law or political party that forces the Electoral Collage to consider the opinion of the rabble is clearly unconstitutional!”

***

Guns N’ Roses will finally reunite in 2016.  To the surprise of many, the band will start all their performances on time, Axl Rose will remember the lyrics to all the songs, and the band will perform full sets every night.

When asked about this, Rose will reply, “Our fans are older and won’t put up with my old (expletive deleted) any more.  The fact is, I really need the money.  Have you seen the sales of Chinese Democracy?  Pathetic, and considering the cost of homeopathic booze, I had no choice but to clean up my act and get my old bandmates to like me again.  So enjoy this tour while you can.  Because next time we tour, we’ll be using walkers, and raising money so we can settle down in a nice retirement community.”

***

Upon hearing rumors that the Electoral Collage will choose Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar for President, billionaire Sheldon Adelson will decide to take action.  Adelson will order Congress to declare war on Israel, and then immediately surrender.  This will result in the United States becoming an “occupied territory.”

Adelson will defend his decision.  “Roger is a nice guy, but insufficiently supportive of Israel.  Plus the Jewish People need more room.  Because of our victory in the Five Second War, Israel will finally have a sufficient military to defend itself, and will no longer be dependent upon American politicians.  American politicians will be dependent upon us.”

Bernie Sanders will be named administrator of the thirteen original states and California.  Donald Trump will be named administrator of the rest of the country.

“We lost a few states, but we got our country back!”  Trump will tell his joyous supporters during his inauguration speech.

Also in the Babbler:

Soviet ice attack fails to cripple Bolingbrook
Sources: Village Board to consider tax on web sites critical of Bolingbrook
New android factory to open outside of Joliet
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/31/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, December 21, 2015

Letters to the Editor December 2015

By Doug Fields
Readers' Editor

Hello Bolingbrook.  It’s that time of year when our staff takes time off to be with their families, and we let the readers speak their minds.  Anyone can post a comment on a web page.  This week, we’re celebrating the nearly lost art of writing a letter to the editor.

Not everyone has this talent.  Some confuse brevity with the lack of content.  As you can see below.

To the Editor: 
Donald Trump is popular!  He’s amazing!  He tells it like it is.  Donald Trump is amazingly popular because he tells the truth!  DONALD TRUMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
Liberals don’t stand a chance in this election because, amazingly, Donald Trump’s truth is popular! 
Stan X WillardBolingbrook, IL

That is amazing.  Amazingly bad, even by the standards of the average Trump supporter.  We have printed the unbelievable truth since 1965, but Donald Trump is just unbelievable.  We’ll be following Donald Trump very closely this election season.

Anyway, sometimes our readers come up with good questions.

To the Editor:
I love the Bolingbrook Babbler!  Even though your web site sometimes features stories from around the world, you still post more articles about Bolingbrook than the Chicago Tribune’s Bolingbrook section.  It’s like they can’t tell the difference between Plainfield and Bolingbrook.  Why is that? 
Sue X WhitmoreBolingbrook, IL

Sue, the sad truth is that mainstream journalism is all about getting access to top leaders.  Mayor Roger Claar won’t give any of their reporters the time of day.  Plainfield, on the other hand, is desperate for attention.  So the Tribune has to run articles about Plainfield to fill the void in their Bolingbrook coverage.  We, on the other hand, will always work hard to deliver the unbelievable truth about Bolingbrook, with or without Roger’s help.


Speaking of help, we like to cover our local businesses, and we are open to story suggestions, but this reader’s suggestion is a bridge too far.

To the Editor:
I work for (company name deleted) in Bolingbrook.  We’re multi-billion dollar corporation with an awesome future around the world!  Our social media presence is second to none!  Our CEO makes YouTube videos!  It’s an awesome place to work, and it’s going to become more awesome in 2016! 
You guys are funny, and popular in Bolingbrook.  Why don’t you help (company name deleted) by writing a story about us?  I’ve got the perfect story!  You can say our company liberated a warehouse from aliens!  The employees are so happy that they start singing Supercalifragilistic(company name deleted).  The lyrics can highlight our corporate values and the value we bring to our customers.  Your readers will laugh and learn about a very important Bolingbrook company.  What do you think? 
Dave Y. McAllenBolingbrook, IL

No.  No.  No!  If your billion dollar corporation wants to use their employees’ social media accounts for free advertising, that’s their business.  Asking us to give them free advertising is another matter.  If your company wants to be featured in the Babbler, they can buy advertising at our reasonable rates, or do something newsworthy!

Finally, the Internet has a question for us.

To the Editor: 
You guys have been working on a secret project since 2014.  Are you still working on it, and is it true that PZ Myers is involved?  No, I’m positive that PZ is involved!  This is just your chance to confess and then renounce him! Otherwise… #MRAalltheway, #Atheist! #PZSucks
Mammoth HunterThe Internet

We’re still working on the project.  It’s talking longer than we anticipated, but are pleased with what we are seeing.

No, PZ Myers is not involved.  When we are ready, we’ll announce more details.


Do you think you can write a better letter to the editor?  Send to us at bolingbrookbabbler at gmail (dot) com.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Bolingbrook church challenges atheist David Silverman to MMA match


Bolingbrook’s Full Contact Gospel Church challenged American Atheist president David Silverman to a mixed martial arts cage match.

“David Silverman’s new book is called Fighting God.”  said Minister Blake Z Holm.  “If he wants to fight God, we’ll be happy to give him the opportunity.”

During a press conference, Holm explained that one of his fighters would become imbued with the Holy Spirt and step into a cage with Silverman.  The two would then fight five rounds under UFC rules.  At the end of the match, according Holm, the world would know which is stronger: God or atheism.  Holm also stressed that no harm would come to Silverman until he stepped in the cage.

“Once he steps in the cage, we will only hope that God shows some mercy.  Maybe he will only break one of his arms.”

Holm said he would understand if Silverman refused their match.  “No Godless man would want to step into the ring with one our fighters.  They always have a bit of His Spirit in them.  Atheists like proof.  Here’s proof.”

Doug, the church’s Deacon of Dukes, walked on to the stage.  Five men brought a cloth bag on stage.  Doug explained that the bag was full of horse manure, and weighed as much as Silverman.  Doug said he would lift the bag over his head 100 times.  He then picked up the bag and started lifting it over his head.  After several presses, his knees started to wobble.”

“I can’t do this!” he screamed. “I can’t do this! The stench and weight of atheism is overwhelming!”

“You can do it!”  Yelled a church member.

“Open your heart to Jesus!”

Doug closed his eyes and stopped moving.

“If thou therefore wilt worship me, all shall be thine!  Luke 4:7!”

Doug then finished lifting the bag 100 times.  He then threw down the bag, which ripped open.  Doug staggered back.

“Jesus!”

When called for comment, an intern for American Atheists doubted that Silverman would participate.

“Silverman believes that this church is just as real as God, atheist jews and islamophobia.  He has better things to do with his time than pander to your imagination.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Silverman said, “Ed, why are you still being mean to me?  We have to work together to get the silent atheist majority out of the closet, and we know American Atheists is the best group to do that.  So shut up and tell your followers to give me their money!”

Also in the Babbler:

UFO steals Illinois’s snow
Rock opera about Mayor Roger Claar to debut in 2016
Donald Trump to make campaign stop outside Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/18/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Rochelle Reader: Hanukkah Harry ticketed for speeding in Malta

File photo of Hanukkah Harry.
An anonymous Malta, IL police officer ticketed Hanukkah Harry, a Jewish elf, for speeding over Malta, IL.

“I looked up in the sky and saw a flying cart being pulled by three flying Donkeys.  It looked like it was flying below 1000 feet, so that meant it was subject to our speed limits.  Let me tell you, that cart was going faster than 40 miles per hour!”

The officer said that after a quick Google search, he found Harry’s mailing address.  The ticket will be mailed to Harry on Monday.

“The speed limit is the speed limit.  I don’t care if you’re Santa or a UFO.  You can’t go above 40 miles per hour in our town!”

Hanukkah Harry, according to many sources, travels around the world, teaching Jewish children the story of Hanukkah.  If the parents ask, he give children practical gifts.

A lawyer who claims to represent Harry says the cart was on its way to Rockford, and questioned the legality of Malta’s ariel speed limit.

“We never hear about Santa getting speeding tickets, and he has to move eight times as fast as Santa does.  No, this is just a small town trying to take advantage of a lesser known elf.  Even Iran is nicer towards Harry than Malta is!”

When this reporter tried to flag down Harry, he merely yelled, “on Moische,  on Herschel, on Schlomo.  May all your candles burn long and bright on each and every Hanukkah night!”

Also in the Reader:

Supersonic trains frighten residents
Vampires spotted in Oregon
Creston ghosts promise to be nice on Christmas
God to bless Rochelle this week

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.