Monday, October 26, 2015

Friendly Atheist Freight to start trucking in January


Will the famed Naperville blogger Hemant “The Friendly Atheist” Mehta’s face soon appear on the sides of 53’ trailers?

Rick Z. Hernandez of Aurora recently started a new truckling company called Friendly Atheist Freight.  Named in honor of the blogger, Hernandez hopes that company will prove “that you can provide good customer service without God.”

Hernandez said he came up with the idea after dealing with an explicitly religious trucking company.  

“I asked if they had the (man)power to cover my load.  I explained that it was really important that it be picked up and delivered on time.  The dispatcher said yes.  So I gave him the freight.  Anyway, pickup day came, and there was no driver.  I called back, and he said he didn’t have any drivers.  I asked why he lied to me.  He denied lying to me.  I’ll never forget what he said.  ‘The Lord told me to accept your load.  If He decided not to provide you with a driver, than who am I to question the Lord?’”

Paul, an owner-operator who asked that we not use his last name, say he is excited to be partnering with FAF.

“Every time I have to haul a trailer with a biblical quote it, I cringe.  Now I’m going to be hauling trailers with quotes from all the great New Atheists.  What’s even better, all the drivers can choose which quotes they want on their trailers.  So if a driver wants a trailer with a Heina Dadabhoy quote or a Sikivu Hutchinson quote instead of Christopher Hitchens, they can!  No deep rifts with this company!”

When asked if he had permission to use Mehta’s likeness or had even told him about he company, Hernandez hesitated.  

“I believe it is better to ask for forgiveness than to seek permission.  I’m sure that when Hemant understands how much money I have already spent on this company, and how many people I will be employing, he will be friendly enough to forgive me, and wave his marketing fee.”

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Mehta said he could not be disturbed.

“Hemant is busy doing the work necessary to keep the atheist movement united and focused on the real threat of religious theocracy!”

In the background,  a man sounded like he was speaking on the phone.

“Richard!  You’re tweets are killing me.  Especially your last one about trans women!  What’s wrong?  I’m trying to be friendly to everyone in the atheist movement.  Since I’m required to defend you, I’m going to offend people who believe trans women are unquestionably women.  They’re not going to think I’m friendly towards them.  That hurts my business model and affects traffic to my blog and podcast!  I have a family to support.  Richard, please, please skip to the part where you say that you were misunderstood and blame Twitter.  I can get all atheists to agree that Twitter is bad, and everyone will like me again!”

Also in the Babbler:

Clow UFO Base lockdown ends two hours after nearby shooting
No ghosts or aliens involved in shooting incident
Opinion:  Claar will not take your guns after shooting

God to spare Bolingbrook this week.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Exclusive: Interview with Presidential candidate Ben Carson!

Photo by Gage Skidmore 
By Reporter X

Editor’s Note: Presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson recently granted an interview with our own Reporter X.  The full interview is available in this week’s print edition, in which he talks about hosting visiting angels, capturing the Jersey Devil, and his top secret cure for cancer. The following is an excerpt.

Staffer:  Dr. Carson, these are the um, unique interviewers I told you about.  Mr. X is from the Bolingbrook Babbler, and—

Carson:  I know who David Silverman is!  That’s why I’m talking to that American atheist last.  Hello Mr. X.

X:  Hello.  I’m honored to meet you.  I have so many questions for you.

Silverman:  You’re talking to that woo guy first!  I’m the spokesperson for all American atheists—

Carson:  And I’m God’s chosen candidate.  Now please wait your turn!

X:  Do you really believe that?

Carson:  Absolutely.  God told me to run, and I didn’t have a choice.  Honestly, I thought He told me to do this so I could end up getting my own show on Fox.  But now I see He has a plan for me.  A plan he is revealing through the New World Order.

X:  The New World Order?  I thought the Illuminati ran Presidential elections.

Carson:  They do, but now the NWO wants to take over.  God has chosen me to help the NWO overthrow the Republican/Illuminati establishment and establish a holy new order!

X:  I thought the New World Order was atheistic.

Silverman:  They are!

Carson:  Mr. Silverman, please wait your turn.  Now the truth of the matter is, they think aliens are like us, but I have an advantage.  I know the truth!

X:  Which is?

Carson:  Aliens are really angels.

X:  Really?  You know most aliens will deny that?

Carson:  They will deny it, but we cannot deny the truth.  We all know that evolution is false, and that God centered the universe around us.  So there are no so-called aliens out there.  Yet we see them in sky every night.  So that leaves only one inescapable conclusion.

X:  Evolution is real?

Carson:  No.  We’re being visited by angels every night, and the New World Order is their tool.

X:  Um.  OK.  Is Donald Trump part of their plan.

Carson:  No! He’s part of the Papal plot to overthrow the Illuminati, but I know nothing else.

X:  OK. 

Carson:  Also, as President, I will abolish The Department of Education, and any school that teaches the theory of stellar evolution.

X:  Stellar evolution?

Carson:  Yes.  Can you believe scientists are foolish enough to believe that the stars are just like our sun?  Look up at the sky.  The sun is obviously bigger and nothing like the tiny stars.

X:  That’s because the stars are further away than the Sun.

Carson:  You believe that nonsense?

X:  I speak with aliens everyday.

Carson:  Ye of little faith.  Don’t you realize that if the stars were that far way, then that means the light reaching our eyes is older than the universe?

X:  But if you use a telescope—

Carson:  Telescopes are tool of the devil!  The truth is that we’re surrounded by a black sphere, and the stars are holes where the light of Heaven shines through.

Silverman:  Before I start laughing uncontrollably,  can I just ask one question?

Carson:  Very well.  What is it?

X:  Since you’ve begun campaigning, you’ve done nothing but pander to extreme Christians.  Speaking on behalf of one of the fastest growing voting blocs, I have to ask why should atheists vote for you.

Carson:  There is no good reason for an atheist to vote for me.  However, there are plenty of good reasons for an atheist to vote for my vice-presidential candidate.

(A woman walks into the room.)

Silverman:  Edwina Rogers!  What are you doing with him?

Rogers: Isn’t it obvious?  While we disagree on some issues, we both agree that the Constitution is a religious document.  Also, if a religious fanatic is elected President, atheists will donate more money to secular organizations, like my Secular Policy Institute.

Silverman:  That’s evil.  Why should we vote for you?

Rogers:  Because as president of the Senate, my first act will be to conduct Senate hearings about Freethought Blogs and Ed Brayton to investigate alleged violations of Section 21 of the Second Amendment, Section 30 of the Fourth Amendment, Section 80 of the Ninth Amendment, and the anti-blaspheme clause of the First Amendment.

Silverman:  What are you talking about.  None of those clauses exist.

Rogers:  Obviously you’re not Republican enough to understand, so let me try.  People like me are like intelligent black holes.  We bend reality at will to fulfill our desires.

Silverman:  That’s wrong.

Rogers:  That doesn’t matter.  What does matter is that you have a choice.  You can either have Ted Cruze interrogate you about your ties to PZ Myers, or you can accept my gift, wrapped in sheets of $100 bills and play ball.

Silverman:  Since you put it that way, I will shut up, accept your generous donation, and do what you tell me.  It would be for the greater good of the movement.

Rogers:  That’s better.  Oh, maybe I should add Rebecca Watson to the witness list.

Also in the Babbler:

Cubs owners deny selling their souls to the devil
Alien questioned following Bears’ upset victory
Roger Claar denies he will spend $1 billion during his reelection campaign
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/17/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.