Last weekend, the village picnic kicked off Bolingbrook’s celebration of its 50th anniversary. The following stories are from our team of reporters.
Alien catamaran disqualified from Cornfield Regatta
After a 23 year hiatus, the Cornfield Regatta became embroiled in controversy when the Commodore disqualified an anti-gravity catamaran from Proxima Centauri.
According to the rules, all craft must be six feet long and weigh less than 20 tons. The Commodore ruled that the craft, call Pop Corner, weighed more than 20 tons.
“While it is weightless when its anti-gravity drive is on, it weighs more than 20 tons when the drive is off. That is the weight I am counting, and therefore I had to disqualify this craft.”
Pop Corner captain J’golld, protested the ruling.
“This is (expletive deleted)! We have the only craft here that can sail on a cornfield. Where’s the (expletive deleted) corn? This is just the village hall! I call (expletive deleted)!”
Former mayor Ed Rosenthal explained to the crew that the Cornfield Regatta wasn’t literally a race on a cornfield. It was intended as a humorous response to radio shock jock Steve Dahl’s jabs at Bolingbrook back in the 1980s. The “yachts” are more like soap box derby cars, and the competition is for fun for Bolingbrook’s human residents.”
J’Golld wasn’t pleased.
“What a (expletive deleted) up ruling!”
“I make the rulings no matter how (expletive deleted) up they might be.”
Rosenthal, eased tensions saying that the Pop Corner would hold Bolingbrook land speed record for fastest yacht that actually sailed on a cornfield.
Sen. Bernie Sanders fires up Clow UFO Base workers
Presidential Candidate and Senator Bernie Sanders delivered at fiery speech at the village picnic for members of the Clow UFO Base Space Workers Union Local 1.
“When I saw my first UFO in Chicago, I was impressed! Then I learned that it was maintained by American workers at Clow UFO base. That says something when visitors from around the Milky Way come to Clow to have their space ships replied by American workers. I’m looking at the best workers in the galaxy, and if we can fix UFOs, then we can fix America!”
Sanders also vowed to work with the New World Order to end the UFO coverup, and tell the world the truth about aliens on Earth.
“We have so much to gain by telling the truth about our alien friends. Do you know there’s one alien empire that runs on the same about of energy that we use to power New York City? Can you imagine what we could do with that kind of energy efficiency? We could end global warming instantly!”
When asked if he was concerned that Americans might not vote for a socialist, Sanders said he felt confident that could win the popular vote.
“It’s all a matter of how you explain things. Take for example this village picnic. Thanks to government spending, everyone here gets a piece of cake and a hot dog. If you want more, you can buy more, but at the very least you get a hot dog and cake. That is fair. But in America, you’re still paying the same taxes, but the government is spending that money to give the top 1 percent a five tiered cake, while you don’t get anything. To make matters worse, the media tries to get you to blame the poor for the fact that you don’t have any cake. Excuse me, but that’s (expletive deleted)! When I’m President, I’m going to make sure that everyone gets their hot dog and slice of cake. I’m also going to insure that every American is sufficiently armed, so that when the Koch brothers try to take away your cake, they can stand up to them and say, “Don’t take away my cake. If you want more cake, go spend your own money!”
Mayor Roger Claar watched the speech, while seeming very annoyed. When a cocktail waitress stopped by his table with a tray of drinks, he said, “I’ll take this tray, and you can bring me another one. I’m going to need all the help I can get to make it through this.”
Former mayor Ed Rosenthal opens Clow UFO Base Museum
Former mayor Ed Rosenthal cut a ribbon to officially open the Clow UFO Base Museum.
“I’m proud to be part of the history of what I think is one of the best UFO bases in the world!”
The museum features over 100 virtual reality pods that allow visitors to tour Clow and have virtual conversations with historical figures from Clow’s history.
“I just had a great argument with myself.” Said Rosenthal.
It also includes replicas of the first habitat modules and houses several retired alien space craft.
Clow UFO Base is the largest UFO base in the world. After opening to traffic in 1958, Clow provided the feasibility of staging UFOs in urban areas. Today it is also the busiest urban UFO base in the world.
The museum plans to host concerts and lectures, in addition to its displays.
Also in the Babbler:
Babbler to celebrate 50 years of publishing
AI found in Valley View's computers
Bonnie spotted in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on July 5