Monday, May 25, 2015

Aliens picket outside of Clow UFO Base in memory of ‘Area 51 victims’

Enhanced photo of an alien protesting Area 51 deaths while marching outside Clow UFO Base.


By Reporter X

Twenty aliens picked outside of Clow UFO Base in protest of they believe is the “systematic slaughter of interstellar visitors” at Area 51.

“Area 51 has the highest fatality rate of all the UFO bases in the world.”  Said protestor Galgloope, who refused to disclose his home solar system.  “You are 10 times more likely to die in Area 51 than you are in a black hole.  You are five times as likely to die in Area 51 than you area if you disguised yourself as a deer in Oklahoma.  You are twice as likely to die in Area 51 than it is for one of your republicans to support Obamacare.  Something is going on there, and we demand answers!”

The protestors hope that their Memorial Day protest will persuade the New World Order to investigate Area 51’s high fatality rate.  Some of the protestors accuse the administrators of being obsessed with performing autopsies on aliens, and go out of their way to create fatal situations.

XI Pox, not its real name, described how he was almost killed at Area 51.

“I require an exact mix of CO2 and methane to breath.  So imagine the horror of waking up in the middle of the night to smell oxygen being pumped into my cabin!  They said it was a paperwork mix up, but I know better!  Who the (expletive deleted) uses paper at a UFO base?”

New World Order spokesperson Zach K. Emerson says all complaints about Area 51 are being investigated.

“We think this is a matter of perception.  When you look at the actual statistics, you’ll find that Area 51 is just as safe as Chicago.”

Representatives from Save the Girgle, The Proxima Centauri Liberation Front, and The PZ Myers Interstellar Fan Club also address the picketers.  Most of their speeches were about their own causes, with a few mentions of Area 51 near the end.

“Just as the thought leaders of secularism hate PZ Myers, so too do the leaders of Area 51 hate their visitors!” Said Stlbija, leader of the PMIFC.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar wouldn’t comment on the charges against Area 51, but said he did support the aliens right to protest as long as they disguised themselves.

“Area 51 is an old UFO base, and I suspect that most visitors have been spoiled by the quality of services at Clow, as well as our commitment to our visitors' safety.”

Representatives for Area 51 denied the existence of any aliens at their base, and insist it is only used to test weapons and airplane prototypes.

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook braces for a summer of Soviet weather attacks
Villages officials prepare for bored teenager crisis
Will County denied free artillery cannon from the army
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/31/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Food Babe wins 2015 Disease Consortium's Woman of the Year Award

Screen capture by GRuban
Vani Hari, known as the ‘Food Babe,” received the Disease Consortium’s 2015 Woman of the Year award at an undisclosed location in Chicago.

Said presenter Don, “Your ability to disguise fear as advocacy and misinformation as science is unparalleled!  You have brought corporations to their knees by exploiting the public’s lack of understanding basic chemistry.  You are a true threat to modern agriculture, and your efforts will lead to fewer crops and more opportunities for the consortium to spread our latest infectious agents!”

Don singled out her October 2011 tweet claiming that flu vaccines were used as a “genocide tool.”  According Don, the consortium’s research suggested that this tweet helped contribute to the spread of the California Measles Outbreak in 2015.

“Californians are so distrustful of vaccines because they’re afraid of chemicals.  We can thank you, Vani, for creating such an infectious environment!”

Hari happily accepted the award, and thanks her handlers at the Consortium for getting her started as a food blogger.

“When Phil first approached me, I told him I that I was a computer consultant, not a food specialist.  He told me not to worry.  If I didn’t understand something, I should assume its dangerous.  Then I should tell other people that its dangerous.  He said I looked so trustworthy, that many people wouldn’t question my judgement.  Boy was he right!  Some people say I’m evil for doing this, but I’m not.  If I were evil, I would say that we should ban DHMO from all food products because it’s also used in nuclear reactors, is a fire retardant, and kills 3,533 people per year.”  When the audience sounded confused, she replied, “I’m actually talking about water.  I can make anything sound scary!”

She also added that she likes to exploit the Naturalistic Fallacy.  “Most people that organic farming is pesticide free.  The truth is, it isn’t.  However, by calling it ‘organic’ and saying it is ‘natural,’ people will assume it is safe to eat and good for the environment.  Let’s face it, we know that nature really wants to kill us.  The Consortium is just pointing nature away from us, and towards the gullible.”

Hari says she has encountered resistance from skeptics.  The crowd erupted into boos when she mentioned Dr. Steven Novella and Dr. David Gorski.  She isn’t worried, however.

“Their followers are horrible people who only wish they were half as smart as we are.  They’re fueled, both by Gorski’s words and their undeniable hatred of women!  Every time their followers call me a ‘bitch,’ ‘slut’ or threaten to rape me, they entrench my followers and alienate the general public from their crusade.  They will fail, no matter how respectfully insolent they may be!  If they ever become a serious problem, I can always distract them by mentioning PZ Myers.”

Near the end of the presentation, Alex Jones walked on to the stage and presented Hari with a photograph of a flag.  She smiled and held up the picture for the crowd.

“I get it!  This is a false flag!”

“Of course.  You run second best false flag operation on the Internet.  Next to my program, of course.”

The Consortium is a secret organization believed to be responsible for creating the most contagious diseases on Earth.

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar promises not to outlaw motorcycles or guns
Chicago area skeptics plan road trip to disprove earthquake scare
Woman sees image of James Randi in deep dish pizza

God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/21/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Sources: Mayor Claar threatens to impose Holacracy on Village Hall



Could Bolingbrook become the first government to implement Holacracy for its departments?

According to some sources, if the village loses revenue from the state, Holacracy, a nearly leaderless way of managing organizations, could be used to save money.

According to Steve, a source close to Mayor Roger Claar, Holacracy is a very appealing option.  “For starters, by getting rid of middle management, we can pay our staff a single flat rate.  Most people would gt a pay raise, while the former managers would take a sizable pay cut.  That’s big savings right there.  Wait!  it gets even better!  When Zappos decided to transition to Holacracy, 210 employees, or 14 percent of their workforce, decided to accept buyouts.  They fired themselves!  If with buyouts, imagine how much money the village could save if 14 percent of our staff quit!”

Steve added that the salaries of elected officials would not be affected if the village implemented Holacracy.  

Another source, who asked to remain anonymous, believes the rumored implementation of Holacracy is just a bargaining tactic to use against the municipal unions.  “I think Roger’s goal here is to frighting the unions so much that they’ll give him anything he wants.  Sure, it’s one thing to be an anarchist when you’re young and stupid.  It’s another thing to actually work in an anarchistic environment.  The unions will cave before accepting Holacracy.”

When this reporter called HoilacracyOne LLC, several employees fought over who should be interviewed.  After five minutes, someone hung up the phone.  Several return calls were not answered.

Claar, in a phone interview, denied that the village would implement Holacracy, and denied ever hearing of the practice.  When explained to him, he replied, “Wait a minute!  Do I look like a Silicon Valley entrepreneur to you?  Do you seriously expect impose such a (expletive deleted) on my staff?”

Also in the Babbler:

Soviets threaten to unleash tornados on Illinois
George Zimmerman shot at UFO, claims alien crew
Chicago steps up efforts to clear out Southside to make room for UFO base

God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/14/15

Could Bolingbrook become the first government to implement Holacracy for its departments?

According to some sources, if the village loses revenue from the state, Holacracy, a nearly leaderless way of managing organizations, could be used to save money.

According to Steve, a source close to Mayor Roger Claar, Holacracy is a very appealing option.  “For starters, by getting rid of middle management, we can pay our staff a single flat rate.  Most people would gt a pay raise, while the former managers would take a sizable pay cut.  That’s big savings right there.  Wait!  it gets even better!  When Zappos decided to transition to Holacracy, 210 employees, or 14 percent of their workforce, decided to accept buyouts.  They fired themselves!  If with buyouts, imagine how much money the village could save if 14 percent of our staff quit!”

Steve added that the salaries of elected officials would not be affected if the village implemented Holacracy.  

Another source, who asked to remain anonymous, believes the rumored implementation of Holacracy is just a bargaining tactic to use against the municipal unions.  “I think Roger’s goal here is to frighting the unions so much that they’ll give him anything he wants.  Sure, it’s one thing to be an anarchist when you’re young and stupid.  It’s another thing to actually work in an anarchistic environment.  The unions will cave before accepting Holacracy.”

When this reporter called HoilacracyOne LLC, several employees fought over who should be interviewed.  After five minutes, someone hung up the phone.  Several return calls were not answered.

Claar, in a phone interview, denied that the village would implement Holacracy, and denied ever hearing of the practice.  When explained to him, he replied, “Wait a minute!  Do I look like a Silicon Valley entrepreneur to you?  Do you seriously expect impose such a (expletive deleted) idea on my staff?”

Also in the Babbler:

Soviets threaten to unleash tornados on Illinois
George Zimmerman shot at UFO, claims alien crew
Chicago steps up efforts to clear out Southside to make room for UFO base

God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/14/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, May 4, 2015

Rochelle Reader: Locals spot Jade Helm 15 operatives



Eyewitnesses in Rochelle claim to have seen operatives who are part of the US Military’s Jade Helm 15 exercise.  While the military claims that Jade Helm 15 is only a multi-state training exercise, some critics, like Chuck Norris, claim that it is really a campaign to place the Western United States, including Texas, under martial law.

Doug, a Rochelle resident, who asked that we not use his last name, says there’s at least one member of the special forces in Rochelle.  “I know a friend who has a cousin who has a son who’s in the special forces.  He says he’s going to be in town when Jade Helm starts.  Why would he be here during the operation?  Will Rochelle really be a part of the operation?  It makes you want to ask questions, don’t it?”

Lance, who asked not to be fully identified, claims he saw a member of the military shopping at Headon’s meat market.  “He mentioned that this was a ‘strategic location.’ and that he was looking forward to shopping there ‘while he could.’  When I asked when he did, he said he was part of an artillery team.  Well, Creston is the highest point between Chicago and the Mississippi.  And it is pretty close to Rochelle, which is the Hub City.  Could it be that the military is going to use Creston to attack Rochelle?  Well, it would be the most exciting thing to happen here since they put computers in the library.”

Charlie, a Dixon resident, say he spotted a “foreign operative” in Rochelle.  “I was at the Rochelle Railroad Park when I heard some speaking with a very strange accent.  He said he was from Canada.  Even said, ‘eh’ at the end of his sentences.  Anyway, I asked what brought him down here, and he said that he was ‘just spying on the trains.’  Then he said that he hoped that someday, we would be liberated from President’s Obama’s rule,  and things would be much better if Wildrose ran everything.  Could it be that Canada is going to invade the US during Jade Helm?”

Paul X, a “covert historian” living in a compound outside of Malta, believes that Jade Helm 15 will lead to World War III, which could result in the United States being divided between Mexico, Canada, and the United Nations.  Northern Illinois could become a part of Canada.

“There’s never a bad time to stock up on ammo, and this is an especially good time!”  Said X.  

In the background, a woman said, “Sweetie, shouldn’t we donate some of our ammo to the sheriff?  We have more than all the other police departments in Ogle County combined.”

“Exactly!  If we have all the ammo, they can’t use it against us!”

The US military, when asked to comment, sent a press release stating that, “No one will be inconvenienced by Jade Helm.”

Also in the Reader:

Weredeer denied hunting license
Oregon to hold UFO Days event
Ghost train passes through Rochelle

God to bless Rochelle on 5/6/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.