|Enhanced photo of an alien protesting Area 51 deaths while marching outside Clow UFO Base.|
By Reporter X
Twenty aliens picked outside of Clow UFO Base in protest of they believe is the “systematic slaughter of interstellar visitors” at Area 51.
“Area 51 has the highest fatality rate of all the UFO bases in the world.” Said protestor Galgloope, who refused to disclose his home solar system. “You are 10 times more likely to die in Area 51 than you are in a black hole. You are five times as likely to die in Area 51 than you area if you disguised yourself as a deer in Oklahoma. You are twice as likely to die in Area 51 than it is for one of your republicans to support Obamacare. Something is going on there, and we demand answers!”
The protestors hope that their Memorial Day protest will persuade the New World Order to investigate Area 51’s high fatality rate. Some of the protestors accuse the administrators of being obsessed with performing autopsies on aliens, and go out of their way to create fatal situations.
XI Pox, not its real name, described how he was almost killed at Area 51.
“I require an exact mix of CO2 and methane to breath. So imagine the horror of waking up in the middle of the night to smell oxygen being pumped into my cabin! They said it was a paperwork mix up, but I know better! Who the (expletive deleted) uses paper at a UFO base?”
New World Order spokesperson Zach K. Emerson says all complaints about Area 51 are being investigated.
“We think this is a matter of perception. When you look at the actual statistics, you’ll find that Area 51 is just as safe as Chicago.”
Representatives from Save the Girgle, The Proxima Centauri Liberation Front, and The PZ Myers Interstellar Fan Club also address the picketers. Most of their speeches were about their own causes, with a few mentions of Area 51 near the end.
“Just as the thought leaders of secularism hate PZ Myers, so too do the leaders of Area 51 hate their visitors!” Said Stlbija, leader of the PMIFC.
Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar wouldn’t comment on the charges against Area 51, but said he did support the aliens right to protest as long as they disguised themselves.
“Area 51 is an old UFO base, and I suspect that most visitors have been spoiled by the quality of services at Clow, as well as our commitment to our visitors' safety.”
Representatives for Area 51 denied the existence of any aliens at their base, and insist it is only used to test weapons and airplane prototypes.
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