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Monday, December 28, 2015

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2016

Will Mayor Roger Claar
become President in 2016?
Every December, our council of psychics gathers together to make predictions for the coming New Year.  Our past predictions have been so accurate, that we suspect that skeptical movement decided to terminate their million dollar prize, rather than aware it to us.

Last year was no exception.  Sure Jay Cutler didn’t become the leader of the Chicago Bears.  He did however, become franchise leader in touchdown passes.  We all agree that Governor Bruce Rauner is trying to run Illinois like a business.  Despite what the skeptics tell you to believe, psychic visions are not clear, and often times their meaning isn’t clear until after the event happens.

So, with that in mind, here are our predictions for 2016:

Despite a massive earthquake which shifts Western California into Oregon and Washington, the NFL will decide not to cancel Super Bowl 50.

“As long as the stadium is still standing, we’ll play the game.”  Commissioner Roger Goodell will say.  “We’re not going to let something like a mass casualty event stop America’s game.  If we do that, Mother Nature wins!  We can’t let Mother Nature win.  Right now I’m not worried about the game.  I’m worried about what I’m going to do with the 49ers now that their stadium is only a few miles from Portland (Oregon).”

***

There will be many sightings of Russian special forces troops in Bolingbrook.  The sightings will start after a Russian soldier will tweet a photo of himself with the caption, “I’m on a secret mission.”  His location will be tagged as Bolingbrook.  After hundreds of sightings, the soldier will admit that he wasn’t on a secret mission, but on vacation.  The Internet will not be convinced.

***
After the primaries, Donald Trump will be 5 delegates short of securing the nomination.  Trump announces that he has the deals in place to win the nomination on the second ballot.

Before the start of the convention, the rules committee will declare most of Trumps delegates ineligible and replace them with “alternate” delegates.  When pointed out that the rules are contradictory and make no sense, the rules chairman will reply, “Come on.  You really didn’t think we were going to let Trump win this, did you.”

Over a thousand armed Trump supporters and delegates will march on Cleveland to demand that Trump be selected as the Republican Party Nominee.  After an exchange of gun fire, resulting in injuries, Trump will come out of a meeting with party officials and say that he is the party’s nominee for President.  The party instead announces that Jeb Bush is the nominee.

“I told you I could fix this.”  He will say.

Both will deliver acceptance speeches at the same time as Trump, with most media outlets covering Trump’s speech.  Then Trump will file a lawsuit against the Republican Party.

***

To the surprise of many, Deadpool will be the biggest superhero movie of 2016, and Batman V Superman will be the biggest flop.  Warners will then announce the cancelation of their cinematic universe.

A critic will explain how this happened.  “Let’s face it.  Comic book fans today are immature adults.  And nothing says immature adult like a Deadpool movie!”

***

Millions will be stunned as the Supreme Court will agree to hear Trump’s case, and put a stay on the US Election.

They will be even more stunned when the Court declares both parties nominees ineligible and declares any voting restrictions on a member of the Electoral College unconstitutional.

Justice Scalia will write the majority opinion.  “The Founding Fathers never intended for the people to directly elect a President.  They are supposed to elect qualified delegates to an electoral college to make the decision for them.  Any law or political party that forces the Electoral Collage to consider the opinion of the rabble is clearly unconstitutional!”

***

Guns N’ Roses will finally reunite in 2016.  To the surprise of many, the band will start all their performances on time, Axl Rose will remember the lyrics to all the songs, and the band will perform full sets every night.

When asked about this, Rose will reply, “Our fans are older and won’t put up with my old (expletive deleted) any more.  The fact is, I really need the money.  Have you seen the sales of Chinese Democracy?  Pathetic, and considering the cost of homeopathic booze, I had no choice but to clean up my act and get my old bandmates to like me again.  So enjoy this tour while you can.  Because next time we tour, we’ll be using walkers, and raising money so we can settle down in a nice retirement community.”

***

Upon hearing rumors that the Electoral Collage will choose Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar for President, billionaire Sheldon Adelson will decide to take action.  Adelson will order Congress to declare war on Israel, and then immediately surrender.  This will result in the United States becoming an “occupied territory.”

Adelson will defend his decision.  “Roger is a nice guy, but insufficiently supportive of Israel.  Plus the Jewish People need more room.  Because of our victory in the Five Second War, Israel will finally have a sufficient military to defend itself, and will no longer be dependent upon American politicians.  American politicians will be dependent upon us.”

Bernie Sanders will be named administrator of the thirteen original states and California.  Donald Trump will be named administrator of the rest of the country.

“We lost a few states, but we got our country back!”  Trump will tell his joyous supporters during his inauguration speech.

Also in the Babbler:

Soviet ice attack fails to cripple Bolingbrook
Sources: Village Board to consider tax on web sites critical of Bolingbrook
New android factory to open outside of Joliet
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/31/15

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