Sunday, December 13, 2015

Bolingbrook church challenges atheist David Silverman to MMA match


Bolingbrook’s Full Contact Gospel Church challenged American Atheist president David Silverman to a mixed martial arts cage match.

“David Silverman’s new book is called Fighting God.”  said Minister Blake Z Holm.  “If he wants to fight God, we’ll be happy to give him the opportunity.”

During a press conference, Holm explained that one of his fighters would become imbued with the Holy Spirt and step into a cage with Silverman.  The two would then fight five rounds under UFC rules.  At the end of the match, according Holm, the world would know which is stronger: God or atheism.  Holm also stressed that no harm would come to Silverman until he stepped in the cage.

“Once he steps in the cage, we will only hope that God shows some mercy.  Maybe he will only break one of his arms.”

Holm said he would understand if Silverman refused their match.  “No Godless man would want to step into the ring with one our fighters.  They always have a bit of His Spirit in them.  Atheists like proof.  Here’s proof.”

Doug, the church’s Deacon of Dukes, walked on to the stage.  Five men brought a cloth bag on stage.  Doug explained that the bag was full of horse manure, and weighed as much as Silverman.  Doug said he would lift the bag over his head 100 times.  He then picked up the bag and started lifting it over his head.  After several presses, his knees started to wobble.”

“I can’t do this!” he screamed. “I can’t do this! The stench and weight of atheism is overwhelming!”

“You can do it!”  Yelled a church member.

“Open your heart to Jesus!”

Doug closed his eyes and stopped moving.

“If thou therefore wilt worship me, all shall be thine!  Luke 4:7!”

Doug then finished lifting the bag 100 times.  He then threw down the bag, which ripped open.  Doug staggered back.

“Jesus!”

When called for comment, an intern for American Atheists doubted that Silverman would participate.

“Silverman believes that this church is just as real as God, atheist jews and islamophobia.  He has better things to do with his time than pander to your imagination.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Silverman said, “Ed, why are you still being mean to me?  We have to work together to get the silent atheist majority out of the closet, and we know American Atheists is the best group to do that.  So shut up and tell your followers to give me their money!”

Also in the Babbler:

UFO steals Illinois’s snow
Rock opera about Mayor Roger Claar to debut in 2016
Donald Trump to make campaign stop outside Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/18/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

No comments: