Sunday, November 29, 2015

Stink bomb defused at Bolingbrook atheist Meetup

File photo by Hexogen
The Cook County Bomb Squad successfully defused a stink bomb at the Idoru bar in Bolingbrook.  Sources say the bomb was meant for the Bolingbrook Atheistic Freethinking Skeptical Brights Meetup.

“We want to thank Cook County for their assistance.”  Said an anonymous source within the Bolingbrook Police Department.  The bomb wouldn’t have hurt anyone, but it would have taken days to get the stench out.  I guess a Democrat controlled agency can do some good.”

Bob, who asked that we not use his full name, claims he discovered the bomb while looking for his daughter.

“She went under the table cloth, so I peaked my head under to tell her to leave.  That’s when I saw the bomb attached to the middle post.  It was connected to a cell phone.  She asked if she could make a phone call.  I yelled ‘no’ so loud, the people on the sidewalk noticed!”

Bob said he reported the bomb to organizer.

“The guy just sat there and said he didn’t have a plan.  He just assumed that everyone who attended would be ‘awesome’ and never thought of what to do if something bad happened.”

After Bob talked to the manager, the manager evacuated all the patrons and called the police.  After a few hours, the bomb was successfully removed, and detonated safely.

Another source provided what she claims is a note left inside the bar.

“Groups who claim to represent atheism stink.  People who claim to be leaders of atheism stink!  Any ‘movement’ claiming to represent atheists stinks just as badly as a bowel movement.”

The note was signed by “An atheist going his own way.”  The note from the alleged bomber also contained a warning to organizations that make up the atheist movement.

“Atheism is merely the lack of belief in gods.  That’s it.  It stands for nothing.  It demands nothing.  It expects nothing.  The only things that come from nothing are universes!  Not atheist organizations that demand your money!  These organizations stink!  My fellow atheists are right to condemn Freethought Blogs, but have a blind spot for phony organizations like American Atheists, The Skeptics Society, and Center for Inquiry.  CFI is recognized by the UN.  I don’t recall them asking for my permission before seeking to represent atheists at the UN.  This stinks, and I will make sure that any Meetup group, organization, or coalition that dares to speak for all atheists will reek in public!”

Sources in the Bolingbrook police department say they believe they are dealing with a “mentally ill young white male” and not a “domestic terrorist.”

Janice C. Perkins, a public relations intern at CFI Chicago, say they will not let this stink bomb threat prevent them form doing their work.

“CFI has brought together progressive atheists and libertarian atheist together to give us their time and money.  There is an atheist movement.  It may not represent all atheists, but it exists to defend the rights of all atheists.  Stink bombs will not prevent us from speaking out for liberal causes abroad and libertarian causes at home!”

Also in the Babbler:

Ghost turkeys terrorize Chicagoland
Feminist werewolves vow to protect local women’s clinics
Cloud UFOs banned from Bolingbrook
God to spare Bolingbrook this week

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