By Reporter X
The New World Order arrested and charged five Trump supporters with attempting to vandalize the homes of space aliens in Creston. No homes were damaged, but Men in Black did find sledgehammers, spray paint, and guns in the suspects pick up trucks.
“Let’s be perfectly clear.” Said John Smith 23, head of Visitor Security in Creston. “These were not bored teenagers looking for fun. These were adults trying to terrorize our visitors. This is unacceptable, and they will be punished!”
Smith says the supporters, who call themselves Trumpets, believe Donald Trump wants to deport all space aliens. Therefore, they felt they had the right to intimidate Creston’s space alien population.
One of the suspects, who only called himself Chuck, denied they were trying to intimidate the aliens.
“We just wanted to break some glass, and we thought the aliens wouldn’t mind. You know broken glass looks like crystal at night. Wouldn’t you—”
“Oh my God!” His lawyer interrupted. “Shut up and let me do the talking! You’re going to get yourself executed.”
“No I won’t! If Donald Trump can say anything, than so can I! I have a right to say anything I want! Earth is for humans only. Ninety-nine percent of all space aliens are murders and mutants! Martians are weak! Democrats are infested with brain slugs! The New World Order must be destroyed! Obama—”
His lawyer then punched Chuck. “You also have the right to remain silent, which I suggest you use if you want to live!”
Golzak, who chased off the alleged vandals, says he is concerned about Trump’s support in the area.
“The humans in Creston are great and very supportive of us. Unfortunately, Trump has an army of hateful humans, and they can easily overrun Creston without our help.I hope your Republican party finds their anti-Trump candidate soon. I don’t want any more violence in this political subdivision of Earth.”
A source who works in the Trump campaign, confirms that Trump hates alien visitors.
“The Donald wanted to buy property on the far side of the moon, but aliens already had a base there, and they wouldn’t sell. He’s never forgiven the greater interstellar community for it.”
The source also confirms the Trump campaign’s recent nod towards attacking non-Trump supporters.
“It’s part of our new Iowa strategy. You see, it doesn’t matter who wins the straw poll on Caucus night. Only who ends up with the most delegates at the state convention. So we want all Iowans to know that we are literally willing to fight you for delegate seats, and we’re not afraid to use our Second Amendment rights. Not that the two are related, mind you.”
Donald Trump could not be reached for comment.
Also in the Rochelle Reader:
Experts: Bored teen crisis to worsen as winter approaches
Hub 35 UFO Base recovers from snow storm
Rochelle to refuse Wisconsin refugees
God to bless Rochelle this week
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