“Desperate times call for desperate measures.” Said one source. “There are only two types of people in the world: The Bushes and the help. Right now the help isn’t helping us! Worse, the Republican Party is about to elect one of the most unhelpful persons ever! We can’t let this happen! We can’t lose to a candidate that spends more time selling books than campaigning for President!”
Weighed down by poor poll numbers, declining donations, and major staff cuts, Bush’s advisor’s are afraid that the Republican establishment will turn to Rubio as their alternative to “insurgent” candidates like Donald Trump, Dr. Ben Carson, and Carly Fiorina. Sources within the Republican party believe that if Rubio gets the nomination, the “insurgent Tea Party” Republicans will accept him, and the party will be reunited.
The Bush campaign feels it must destroy Rubio if it hopes to become the official Republican establishment campaign.
“I joined the Bush campaign to win. Not to take a pay cut and fly coach!” Said another anonymous staff member. “The Republican voters have gone crazy, and we have to speak their language if we want to survive! Our dark ops team has to take things to a new level of Florida! We have to make things so Florida that even Rubio can’t charm his way out!”
The campaign will begin their campaign by posting comments on conservative boards. Then they plan on paying bloggers to “beg the question” about Rubio’s humanity. With enough Internet comments, they hope that Fox News will notice and run a “some people say” type news story.
“It will be perfect. Republican pundits, I mean thought leaders, will be able to question his race without being accused of racism. Jeb will keep quiet while the conservative media will do our work for us. We wish we didn’t have to do this, but he gave us no choice by running for President, instead of supporting Jeb. He will have to pay for crossing the Bush family!”
A spokesperson for Rubio denied the charges. “If he wants to bring up the senator’s alleged ties to aliens, we’ll be happy to bring up his family’s real ties to Saudi Arabia!”
“In the background, a man could be heard talking. “I need more water. How can you sit there and not drink water. I also wish the Earth would warm up faster. It’s too cold here in Texas!”
Bush could not be reached for comment because the minutes on his pre-paid cellphone had run out.
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