|Photo by Julien Solomita|
Sources within village hall confirm that a British Secret agent is being treated at Bolingbrook Adventist Hospital for alcohol poisoning.
“Some people are just not meant to be James Bond.” Said one of the sources.
The sources agree that the agent, who identified himself as Fergus Baker, parachuted down to Clow Airport on Saturday evening. According to eyewitnesses, he was wearing a spacesuit with char marks on it. Once he landed he discarded the space suit, revealing his black tuxedo.
“I always change for the occasion.” He said to the stunned ground crew. “Drat! That didn’t come out right.”
Baker explained that a few hours earlier, he’d been ridden on top of a missile launched off the West Coast. He used the missile to reach an old Soviet mind control satellite. Once he reached the satellite, he claims he got into a fight with three cosmonauts who were trying to reactivate it. He claims they were trying to give Vladimir Putin control of the satellite. Baker finally stopped them when he managed to jury-rig a laser gun and use it to kill the cosmonauts.
“For a few seconds, I was a shooting star. What? I thought that was funny.”
Baker claims he destroyed the satellite, and just happened to land in Bolingbrook. He said he would celebrate his victory, and then report to the British Consulate in the afternoon.
Eyewitnesses later saw Baker at a nearby bar. Two say women say he approached them. According to them, he said, “Hello ladies. My parents were killed by Russians. My girlfriend promised to marry me, but was really going to sell me out to ISIS. I kill people for a living. People around me die, but I save the world every three years. Why don’t you two join me in my hotel room and see for yourself that Christmas can come early this year.”
As the women left, they saw the man look at the wall and say, “This never happened to the other fellow.”
A bartender said that Baker later asked him for a drink.
“Rum with coke! Chill the Coke to 36.4 degrees in a can, not a dispenser. Gently add the rum before adding the ice. Make sure there is only 1.2 cm of foam on top! Make it perfect! I just saved the world, and I deserve a perfect drink. Even a Tea Party Supporting American can’t mess up this drink.”
After three attempts, the bartender finally got the drink right. The agent gulped it down then coughed.
“This really wouldn’t have happened to the other guy.” He then passed out.
“My first thought was that some evil organization some how knew which bottle I was going to serve him with, and somehow managed to add just the right amount of poison. Then I realized that this guy seriously couldn’t hold a drink.
Baker was rushed to the hospital, where he is currently being treated. Sources in the hospital say he should be OK, and released by Wednesday.
The British Consulate and MI6 deny that Baker works for the British government.
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