Sunday, November 29, 2015

Stink bomb defused at Bolingbrook atheist Meetup

File photo by Hexogen
The Cook County Bomb Squad successfully defused a stink bomb at the Idoru bar in Bolingbrook.  Sources say the bomb was meant for the Bolingbrook Atheistic Freethinking Skeptical Brights Meetup.

“We want to thank Cook County for their assistance.”  Said an anonymous source within the Bolingbrook Police Department.  The bomb wouldn’t have hurt anyone, but it would have taken days to get the stench out.  I guess a Democrat controlled agency can do some good.”

Bob, who asked that we not use his full name, claims he discovered the bomb while looking for his daughter.

“She went under the table cloth, so I peaked my head under to tell her to leave.  That’s when I saw the bomb attached to the middle post.  It was connected to a cell phone.  She asked if she could make a phone call.  I yelled ‘no’ so loud, the people on the sidewalk noticed!”

Bob said he reported the bomb to organizer.

“The guy just sat there and said he didn’t have a plan.  He just assumed that everyone who attended would be ‘awesome’ and never thought of what to do if something bad happened.”

After Bob talked to the manager, the manager evacuated all the patrons and called the police.  After a few hours, the bomb was successfully removed, and detonated safely.

Another source provided what she claims is a note left inside the bar.

“Groups who claim to represent atheism stink.  People who claim to be leaders of atheism stink!  Any ‘movement’ claiming to represent atheists stinks just as badly as a bowel movement.”

The note was signed by “An atheist going his own way.”  The note from the alleged bomber also contained a warning to organizations that make up the atheist movement.

“Atheism is merely the lack of belief in gods.  That’s it.  It stands for nothing.  It demands nothing.  It expects nothing.  The only things that come from nothing are universes!  Not atheist organizations that demand your money!  These organizations stink!  My fellow atheists are right to condemn Freethought Blogs, but have a blind spot for phony organizations like American Atheists, The Skeptics Society, and Center for Inquiry.  CFI is recognized by the UN.  I don’t recall them asking for my permission before seeking to represent atheists at the UN.  This stinks, and I will make sure that any Meetup group, organization, or coalition that dares to speak for all atheists will reek in public!”

Sources in the Bolingbrook police department say they believe they are dealing with a “mentally ill young white male” and not a “domestic terrorist.”

Janice C. Perkins, a public relations intern at CFI Chicago, say they will not let this stink bomb threat prevent them form doing their work.

“CFI has brought together progressive atheists and libertarian atheist together to give us their time and money.  There is an atheist movement.  It may not represent all atheists, but it exists to defend the rights of all atheists.  Stink bombs will not prevent us from speaking out for liberal causes abroad and libertarian causes at home!”

Also in the Babbler:

Ghost turkeys terrorize Chicagoland
Feminist werewolves vow to protect local women’s clinics
Cloud UFOs banned from Bolingbrook
God to spare Bolingbrook this week

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, November 23, 2015

Rochelle Reader: Five Trump supporters arrested after trying to vandalize alien homes

By Reporter X

The New World Order arrested and charged five Trump supporters with attempting to vandalize the homes of space aliens in Creston.  No homes were damaged, but Men in Black did find sledgehammers, spray paint, and guns in the suspects pick up trucks.

“Let’s be perfectly clear.”  Said John Smith 23, head of Visitor Security in Creston.  “These were not bored teenagers looking for fun.  These were adults trying to terrorize our visitors.  This is unacceptable, and they will be punished!”

Smith says the supporters, who call themselves Trumpets, believe Donald Trump wants to deport all space aliens.  Therefore, they felt they had the right to intimidate Creston’s space alien population.

One of the suspects, who only called himself Chuck, denied they were trying to intimidate the aliens.

“We just wanted to break some glass, and we thought the aliens wouldn’t mind.  You know broken glass looks like crystal at night.  Wouldn’t you—”

“Oh my God!”  His lawyer interrupted.  “Shut up and let me do the talking!  You’re going to get yourself executed.”

“No I won’t!  If Donald Trump can say anything, than so can I!  I have a right to say anything I want!  Earth is for humans only.  Ninety-nine percent of all space aliens are murders and mutants!  Martians are weak!  Democrats are infested with brain slugs!  The New World Order must be destroyed!  Obama—”

His lawyer then punched Chuck.  “You also have the right to remain silent, which I suggest you use if you want to live!”

Golzak, who chased off the alleged vandals, says he is concerned about Trump’s support in the area.

“The humans in Creston are great and very supportive of us.  Unfortunately, Trump has an army of hateful humans, and they can easily overrun Creston without our help.I hope your Republican party finds their anti-Trump candidate soon.  I don’t want any more violence in this political subdivision of Earth.”

A source who works in the Trump campaign, confirms that Trump hates alien visitors.

“The Donald wanted to buy property on the far side of the moon, but aliens already had a base there, and they wouldn’t sell.  He’s never forgiven the greater interstellar community for it.”

The source also confirms the Trump campaign’s recent nod towards attacking non-Trump supporters.

“It’s part of our new Iowa strategy.  You see, it doesn’t matter who wins the straw poll on Caucus night.  Only who ends up with the most delegates at the state convention.  So we want all Iowans to know that we are literally willing to fight you for delegate seats, and we’re not afraid to use our Second Amendment rights.  Not that the two are related, mind you.”

Donald Trump could not be reached for comment.

Also in the Rochelle Reader:

Experts:  Bored teen crisis to worsen as winter approaches
Hub 35 UFO Base recovers from snow storm
Rochelle to refuse Wisconsin refugees
God to bless Rochelle this week

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, November 16, 2015

Governor Rauner to expand ‘refugee ban?’

Governor Bruce Rauner
Could Governor Rauner’s recent ban on Syrian refugees be expanded to include other refugee groups?  Sources with friends in Springfield say yes.

“Once you accept that a governor can decide who can and cannot resettle in their state, the sky’s the limit!”  Said one source.

The sources agree that Rauner could enact popular refugee bans, such as bans on Afghan refugees, Iraqi refugees, and Greek Refugees.  They also say that he’s considering expanding the definition of “refugee” so he can enact more “unconventional bans.”

“We know that there are liberals who are fleeing Wisconsin.  If we could get them declared refugees, then we can ban them from Illinois.  Like Illinois needs more Democratic voters.”

Anther source listed other possible redefined groups he could define as refugees.

“You know all those protests in Missouri?  All we have to do is declare a refugee crisis, and wham!  No protesters moving to Illinois at all!  Sure we’d trap innocent Republicans in Missouri, but that’s the price we have to pay to protect the feelings of university presidents and police officers in Illinois.”

Don, a Wisconsin resident currently visiting Illinois, is outraged at Rauner’s possible new refugee bans.

“I’m a Bears fan, and Wisconsin can be an unbearable place to live in during football season.  If the Pack is winning, my neighbors will constantly least me.  If they’re losing, they’ll yell at me.  If the Bears win, well I can’t talk about what they do to me.  I can handle it now, but it could change, and I want the option to flee to Illinois if I have to.  Rauner wants me to suffer because he’s afraid I might be a secret Packer.  What kind of heartless billionaire is he?  I’m sorry.  That’s redundant.”

Randal, who lives on the West side of Chicago, is also concerned about Rauner’s possible plans.

“I studied hard in school, and now I’m in line for a great job in Bolingbrook.  What if Rauner decides that I’m really a refugee from Chicago, and I could be a secret gang member?  I’m trying to escape the criminals and bad influences here.  I’m not one of them, and I don’t want to be trapped with them!”

A spokesperson for Rauner denied that there are plans to change the definition of “refugee” in Illinois.  She also clarified his position on Syrian refugees.

“The governor cannot actually stop refugees from entering the state, but we can refuse to provide support if the Federal Government settles any refugees.  If any refugee comes to the attention of the State Police, well, lets just say I wouldn’t want to be in their shoes.”

Also in the Babbler:

Downers Grove man fakes autism after filming embarrassing video
Aliens join Black Lives Matter demonstration at Clow UFO Base
Revived caveman to campaign for Trump

God to spare Bolingbrook this week

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, November 9, 2015

British secret agent hospitalized in Bolingbrook

Photo by Julien Solomita
Sources within village hall confirm that a British Secret agent is being treated at Bolingbrook Adventist Hospital for alcohol poisoning.

“Some people are just not meant to be James Bond.”  Said one of the sources.

The sources agree that the agent, who identified himself as Fergus Baker, parachuted down to Clow Airport on Saturday evening.  According to eyewitnesses, he was wearing a spacesuit with char marks on it.  Once he landed he discarded the space suit, revealing his black tuxedo.

“I always change for the occasion.”  He said to the stunned ground crew.  “Drat!  That didn’t come out right.”

Baker explained that a few hours earlier, he’d been ridden on top of a missile launched off the West Coast.  He used the missile to reach an old Soviet mind control satellite.  Once he reached the satellite, he claims he got into a fight with three cosmonauts who were trying to reactivate it.  He claims they were trying to give Vladimir Putin control of the satellite.  Baker finally stopped them when he managed to jury-rig a laser gun and use it to kill the cosmonauts.

“For a few seconds, I was a shooting star.  What?  I thought that was funny.”

Baker claims he destroyed the satellite, and just happened to land in Bolingbrook. He said he would celebrate his victory, and then report to the British Consulate in the afternoon.

Eyewitnesses later saw Baker at a nearby bar.  Two say women say he approached them.  According to them, he said, “Hello ladies.  My parents were killed by Russians.  My girlfriend promised to marry me, but was really going to sell me out to ISIS.  I kill people for a living.  People around me die, but I save the world every three years.  Why don’t you two join me in my hotel room and see for yourself that Christmas can come early this year.”  

As the women left, they saw the man look at the wall and say, “This never happened to the other fellow.

A bartender said that Baker later asked him for a drink.  

“Rum with coke!  Chill the Coke to 36.4 degrees in a can, not a dispenser.  Gently add the rum before adding the ice.  Make sure there is only 1.2 cm of foam on top!  Make it perfect!  I just saved the world, and I deserve a perfect drink.  Even a Tea Party Supporting American can’t mess up this drink.”

After three attempts, the bartender finally got the drink right.  The agent gulped it down then coughed.

“This really wouldn’t have happened to the other guy.”  He then passed out.

“My first thought was that some evil organization some how knew which bottle I was going to serve him with, and somehow managed to add just the right amount of poison.  Then I realized that this guy seriously couldn’t hold a drink.

Baker was rushed to the hospital, where he is currently being treated.  Sources in the hospital say he should be OK, and released by Wednesday.  

The British Consulate and MI6 deny that Baker works for the British government.

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar rejects Cat and Dog cafe
Atheists shocked as Richard Dawkins say nothing controversial for a whole week
WGN threatens to unleash superstorm on Thursday

God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/13/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

Monday, November 2, 2015

Bush whisper campaign accuses Sen. Marco Rubio of being a Reptoid

Sources say that Jeb Bush’s staff is starting a whisper campaign accusing Sen. Marco Rubio of being a Reptoid alien.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures.”  Said one source.  “There are only two types of people in the world: The Bushes and the help.  Right now the help isn’t helping us!  Worse, the Republican Party is about to elect one of the most unhelpful persons ever!  We can’t let this happen!  We can’t lose to a candidate that spends more time selling books than campaigning for President!”

Weighed down by poor poll numbers, declining donations, and major staff cuts, Bush’s advisor’s are afraid that the Republican establishment will turn to Rubio as their alternative to “insurgent” candidates like Donald Trump, Dr. Ben Carson, and Carly Fiorina.  Sources within the Republican party believe that if Rubio gets the nomination, the “insurgent Tea Party” Republicans will accept him, and the party will be reunited.

The Bush campaign feels it must destroy Rubio if it hopes to become the official Republican establishment campaign.

“I joined the Bush campaign to win.  Not to take a pay cut and fly coach!”  Said another anonymous staff member.  “The Republican voters have gone crazy, and we have to speak their language if we want to survive!  Our dark ops team has to take things to a new level of Florida!  We have to make things so Florida that even Rubio can’t charm his way out!”

The campaign will begin their campaign by posting comments on conservative boards.  Then they plan on paying bloggers to “beg the question” about Rubio’s humanity.  With enough Internet comments, they hope that Fox News will notice and run a “some people say” type news story.

“It will be perfect.  Republican pundits, I mean thought leaders, will be able to question his race without being accused of racism.  Jeb will keep quiet while the conservative media will do our work for us.  We wish we didn’t have to do this, but he gave us no choice by running for President, instead of supporting Jeb.  He will have to pay for crossing the Bush family!”

A spokesperson for Rubio denied the charges.  “If he wants to bring up the senator’s alleged ties to aliens, we’ll be happy to bring up his family’s real ties to Saudi Arabia!”  

“In the background, a man could be heard talking.  “I need more water.  How can you sit there and not drink water.  I also wish the Earth would warm up faster.  It’s too cold here in Texas!”

Bush could not be reached for comment because the minutes on his pre-paid cellphone had run out.

Also in the Babbler:  

New logistics company opens office at Clow UFO Base
Clow security questions UFO crew following Egyptian plane crash
Claar buys campaign ad on a Dyson sphere

God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/7/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.