Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Rochelle Reader: Creston bans extraterrestrial modified golf carts from car show

By Reporter X

Creston’s alien residents will not be allowed to show off their modified golf carts during Creston Booster Days.

“As much as we like the money the New World Order gives Creston to house these aliens, their modified golf carts are a nuisance!” Said an anonymous member of the Creston Booster Club. “By allowing them to show off their modified golf clubs, we would be condoning the reckless behavior some of these aliens engage in.”

Giz Blook, an alien residing in Creston, disagrees with the decision.

“Golf carts are awesome! Once you take out the inefficient human battery, and replace it with singularity reactor or a real battery, you can do anything with them. Sure, some of my neighbors like to have fun with them, which seems to be illegal in Creston. But most golf cart moders are responsible beings. I just use the cloaking device and anti-gravity wheels on my cart to quickly commute to (UFO base) Hub 35.” 

Other Creston residents have complained about the modified golf carts.

Tim, who asked that we not use his last name, said he was nearly run over by two such carts.

“I know I shouldn’t have been out after 9:30 PM, but that’s another story. Anyway, I was walking down Cedarholm ST when these two carts skidded around the corner. The drivers were swinging swords at each other, and weren’t looking at me. I had to dive into a ditch to avoid being run over. Of all the places to have a chariot race, why our streets? 

An employee at Headon’s, who asked not to be identified, claims an alien in a modified cart bothered her.

“I was maintaining the fire out back when one of those golf carts flew over me. It missed me by a few inches. Then a few minutes later, it flew over me again. I yelled at him. Her. I don’t know. Anyway, I yelled that it should knock it off. It landed next to me. I have to admit, I didn’t know what would happen. I was scared. Instead of pointing a gun at me, he pointed his finger at the American flag attached to the back of his cart. It said, ‘I am flying the flag of the United States of America. That means I can do no wrong!’ What a jerk!”

When asked to comment, an anonymous source at Creston’s village hall said, “Golf carts are as much a part of Creston as corn is. We just ask that everyone follow the rules and use them responsibly. Now stop asking me about aliens!”

While alien modified golf carts are banned from Booster Days, a source says there will be an aliens presence at Booster Days.

“During the fireworks display, a UFO will be present. It will be part of a contest. The first person to take a clear photo of the UFO, and printed by the Illinois MUFON site will win a special prize from the New World Order!”

Also in the Rochelle Reader:

Aliens warned not to ‘harvest’ local farmers’ crops
Jesus spotted at Abrahams Bar and Grille
Pro -islamic bat captured in Ogle County
God to bless Rochelle on 9/16/15

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