Monday, September 28, 2015

Over 100 arrested at Game of Thrones live action role-playing game in Bolingbrook

"Wildfire" as seen in Game of Thrones.

What started as a live action role-playing game based on Game of Thrones ended in arrests and possibly $1 million dollars in damages.

“I thought they were just going to wear fancy costumes, and play Rock Paper Scissors all night.”  Said Carl Z. Winchester, owner of the Winchester Hotel in Bolingbrook.  “I didn’t expect a full scale war!”

Eyewitness said the “LARP” seemed innocent at first.  Larry, who asked that we not use his last name, said he first noticed a problem, when he encountered three players in a kitchen.

“I told them to leave.  A player, wearing a fake beard, walked up to me, and said, ‘Don’t you know who he is?  He’s Stannis Baratheon, the one true king of Westeros!  You must kneel before your king!’  I protested, but stopped when the Stannis player started talking.  He must have a throat problem.  Anyway, he said this.  ‘I think he has royal blood!’  Then a women in a red dress approached.  She said I could either look at the burner flames, or I could be cooked on the burner.  I ran away instead.

Another witness claimed he overheard a conversation between a man and a women.

“Ew!”  Said the man

“Ew!”  Said the woman.  “I can’t role-play this.”

“I know.  George RR Martin must have grown up as an only child.  I don’t believe he really has sisters.”

“I know.  Anyway, lets not role-play this, then tell everyone we role-played it.”

“Great!  Because I don’t like throwing up!”

Another witness claimed he saw a player tied up to a wooden “X” and another player holding a toy knife.  The player holding the knife was arguing with a man wearing a Game of Thrones t-shirt.

“The rules clearly state that a member of House Bolton must spend willpower to avoid committing a depraved act when the opportunity presents itself.  I’m all out of willpower, so I have to torture him!”

Joan, a guest at the Winchester, a woman escorted by four men, and three people dressed as dragons.  The dragon players randomly set off their aerosol flamethrowers whenever someone approached them.

“Make way!”  One of the escorted yelled.  “Make way for the Targaryen restoration!”

After many complaints from guests, including reports of a man wearing many masks asking guests to drink from his cup, Winchester decided to investigate.  On the way to the gamer’s floor, he encountered a player holding two cans of gasoline.  Winchester demanded to know what the player was doing.

“I”m stocking up on wildfire!”

Winchester left and then returned with all of the hotel’s security guards.  Winchester handed a copy of the contract to the woman who thought was in charge.

“I told her she and her friends had to leave because they were in violation of the contract.  I couldn’t believe this.  She tore up the contract and said, ‘You think a piece of paper can protect you?’  I started yelling at her, but then a gang of people wearing grey robes attacked us with clubs.  When I came to my senses, we were nude, and being marched outside.  Now that’s embarrassing!”

After finding shelter, Winchester called the Bolingbrook police who then called the Will County SWAT Team.  The team arrived and surrounded the hotel.  After demanding their surrender, a group of players, calling themselves the “Iron Born,” exited the building and said they would surrender if the police promised not to flay them.  The police agreed.

Many of the “Iron Born” asked to speak with Officer Stark.

“They said they were sorry they invaded my lands, and betrayed my family.  I didn’t know what they were talking about, but I was glad they surrendered.  That’s all that counts.”

After a 40 minute standoff, a player yelled, “Winter is here and the White Walkers approach!  Man the wall and defend the realms of Man!”  The players then lobbed molotov cocktails at the police, and ignited pools of gasoline.  Minutes later, players dressed in black fake leather armor, charged at police officers.  Police, using tear gas, riot shields and clubs, managed to repulse the attack, and get inside the smokey building.  Eventually all the gamers were arrested, and firefighters managed to save the hotel.

Thomas Z. Jones, the organizer of the game, was heading yelling to the public as he was taken into custody.  Eyewitnesses say he yelled that he was tired of “summer children” playing their boring computer games, and he was glad that once in his life he got to play a “true game of winter!”  He also added, “Winter is here!  It was glorious, and we were ready!”

All the gamers are still being held at the Will County jail, pending a bail hearing.  Sources within the jail say the players are getting into fights over the fate of the character, John Snow.  Some say he’s dead, while others claim he’ll be back as John Stark.

“I’ve never seen so much fighting in here before.”  Said an anonymous guard.  “It’s enough to make me cancel my HBO subscription.  How can one show make people be so violent.

Anonymous sources within the Bolingbrook police department warn that some players are roaming Bolingbrook still playing their characters.  They sources say that they never heard the game over signal from Jones, and will keep playing their characters until they are told to stop.

“Don’t try to confront these players.  Call the police if you see them.  Even the Sansa Stark player can be deadly.  Don’t let her bad luck fool you!”

While trying to reach Mayor Roger Claar, his receptionist denied there was a Winchester Hotel in Bolingbrook, and denied that there was a riot in Bolingbrook.

“We planned Bolingbrook so that it is almost impossible to walk around town.  If you can’t walk you can’t riot!”

In the background a man who sounded like Claar said, “Now lets try this again.  What is your name?”


“What do you want with me?”

“Hodor!  Hodor!”

“Look.  I said I would listen to every resident, but that was with the assumption that they would speak in complete sentences!  Can you do that?”

“Hodor hodor hodor hodor!”

“I need a drink.”

Also in the Babbler:

Soviets fail to destroy the moon
Local werewolves celebrate “blood moon”
Claar visits moon during eclipse.

God spares the world this week!

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