Monday, August 31, 2015

Rochelle Reader: American Atheists to secretly film movie at NIU

Sources with godless family members claim that American Atheists will be secretly filming a movie on the campus of Northern Illinois University.

Considered by some to be the most militant atheist organization in America, the sources claim American Atheists want to use the NIU campus to stand in for a fictional Christian college.  Officials at NIU and city hall say the group has not applied for any filming permits and does not have permission to film anywhere in DeKalb.  Some of the sources claim the cameras are hidden inside a van.

Joe X. Randolph, a NIU freshman, is terrified about being filmed by the atheist group.

“Mom warned me that if I went to NIU, I would lose my faith and become a corn smoking atheist.  I said there was nothing to worry about.  If my face appears in that movie, my family with disown me!  I don’t deserve to be disowned so I’m praying to Jesus that they don’t film me!”

Pauline, who asked that we not use her real name, is also fearful.  “If I’m seen in that movie, I can give up ever finding a good Christian man to marry.  I might have to wear a Niqab until they stop filming.  I hope no ungodly muslims try to hit on me while I’m wearing it!  But it’s better than people assuming I’m an atheist!”

An anonymous member of the NIU Secular Student Alliance said the hadn’t been contacted by American Atheists, but supported the filming at NIU.

DeKalb is the perfect metaphor for existence! Each of us is a small city, and instead of being embraced by an all-loving parent, we are surrounded by corn.  Uncaring, unhealthy corn!  The only things we have are within our city, and they is all we will ever need.  I can't wait to see this movie!"

According to a former American Atheist staff member, the movie is “very very loosely” based on “Doubt” by Jennifer Michael Hecht.

“By loosely, I mean we’re just using the title and that our main character learns a bit about the history of atheism.  Well kind of learns about it.  We really just wanted to do a response to God is not Dead, but we only had the movie rights to ‘Doubt.’  So we made some changes.  OK, a lot of changes.”

The source says that the movie is set at a Christian college where the main character just wants to study architecture.  Before he can do that, he must attend a mandatory theology class.  In one scene, the students are required to destroy copies of “The God Delusion.”  

Professor:  In order to know the mind of God, you must clear your own mind.  Evil men like Profession Dawkins want to cloud your mind with rationalizations!  Don’t let them.  Tear away the barriers between you and God!  Theology is freedom!

The main character has doubts about God, and starts using his hacker skills to get around the college’s firewall.  In one scene, he discovers the American Atheist web page, and starts a live chat session:

Woman:  Welcome to American Atheists!  I’m your special host.  Ask me anything.
Student:  You’re dressed so—
Woman:  I’m free from the restrictive dogmas of religion and radical feminism!  I can wear whatever I want thanks to the freedom atheism provides me!  
Student:  I want to be free too.  Can you help me?
Woman:  Sure.  Ask me anything!  (Winks)

Later in the movie, the student demands a debate about the existence of God.

Professor:  You cannot defeat me!  I am a professor with decades of apologetics experience!
Student:  I can’t defeat you, but these men can!
(AA president David Silverman, PZ Myers, and Dan Fincke walk into the classroom.)
Student:  I present, the trinity of free thoughts!
Professor:  No!  My faith will not survive their evil reason, and I will be doomed to spend eternity in Hell!”

The source did not say how the movie ends, she did promise “An action packed climax with lots of explosions and gun play!  Oh, and some atheist philosophy to connect it all together!”

None of the action sequences will be filmed in DeKalb, added the source.

When attempting to reach Silverman for comment, his receptionist said he was busy focusing on the groups new political efforts, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Silverman could be heard talking.

“Here’s the deal, Donald.  I need the attention.  You need someone who can get you back into Fox’s good graces.  Together we’ll be unstoppable.  So shut up and make me your Vice-president!  Hello?”

Also in the Rochelle Reader:

Rochelle votes against using nuclear weapons against tornados
Hub 35 celebrates landing of the galaxy's largest tanker UFO
Malta police try to fax speeding tickets to speeding UFO pilots

God to bless Rochelle this week.

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