Several eyewitnesses claim to have seen Indian military drones flying over Bolingbrook.
“Sure it was high up in the air.” Said Bolingbrook resident Paul, who asked that we not use his last name. “But I swear, it had the flag of India painted on the side. Really!”
Doug, another Bolingbrook who didn’t want to use his last name, clams that one of the Indian drones launched a mock attack against him. According to him, he was in the Jewel parking lot load his groceries, when a metal cylinder dropped from the sky. When he opened the cylinder, he found a note inside.
“This is a reminder that eating cows is blasphemy in India. Blasphemy is a crime and an act of terrorism. The Indian government is strongly committed to eradicating terrorism, and believes no country should be a safe having for crimes against faith. If this had been an actual bomb, you would be dead.”
Doug said that after a small crowd gathered around him, another cylinder dropped to the ground. This time, it had another note.
“If this had been an actual mission, you’re fellow terrorists would be dead, and we would be praised for our efforts in the war against terrorism. Please from the terroristic act of eating burned cow flesh.”
Doug was not pleased. “They have some nerve flying a drone into my town and bombing me twice. We’re not a third world country, we’re the United States of America! We’re the only ones with the moral authority to use drones because of 9/11!”
Bolingbrook resident Melinda claims she was also targeted by Indian drones.
“At first, I thought I was getting hit by bird droppings, but then a cylinder fell from the sky. A drone must have marked me with chemicals! How dare they! This isn’t Afghanistan!”
According to Melinda, the cylinder contained the following message: “Ever since Britain divided India, Pakistan has tried to steal more land from us. Any political entity that considers itself a sibling of Pakistan will be considered a part of Pakistan, and will be targeted as necessary.”
According to sources within Village Hall, India is flying drones over Bolingbrook to prose the proposed sister city agreement with Sialkot in Pakistan.
Said one of the sources, “There’s a long history between India and Pakistan. That’s putting it mildly. Anyway, India was already kind of mad because we celebrate Pakistan Day every year. Adding a sister city agreement just made them more mad. It’s concerning, but we can work it out. I don’t think we’ll need to worry about Indian nuclear warheads falling on Bolingbrook just yet.”
The receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar denied that there was a deal in place, and doubted that Indian drones are flying over Bolingbrook.
“Just because a city in Pakistan wants to be a sister city doesn’t mean we will accept their offer. Besides, Roger would have to visit the city in question before making a final decision.”
In the background, a man who sounded like Claar could be heard talking.
“You what will be bigger than your fortune, Donald? The smile on my face after Illinois voters voters fire you from the Republican primary!”
Also in the Babbler:
Downers Grove rejects aliens subdivision
Northern Will County Water Commission considers building water pipeline from Alaska
Anti-psychic Kitty nominated to be the next CFI president
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/8/15
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