Thursday, August 13, 2015

1990: ‘ISCA addiction’ rampant among aliens at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

Goozkee used to the commander of an interstellar battleship.  Then he discovered a computer bulletin board.  It was a computer bulletin board administered by the Indiana, Iowa, and Illinois Computer Associations.  Goozkee at first started leaving simple messages on the board.  Before long, he found himself spending hours on the service.

“I was getting mail messages, eXpress messages, and reading fascinating posts online.  it’s like AOL, but smarter.  A creation worthy of your species!”

Goozkee is one of an estimate 300 aliens who claim to be addicted to bulletin board, known on the “Internet” as ISCABBS.  In addition to its humans only “rooms”, the board also houses over 100 “rooms” exclusive for aliens.  While there are “aides” who are supposed to keep order, many fear that they are not doing enough to protect their alien users.

“It’s easy to get stuck on ISCA.”  Says an anonymous interstellar psychologist employed at Clow UFO Base.  “Unlike AOL, ISCA is free to use. You think that you’re having conversations, or you think you’re reading something important.  You also think that because its free you don’t need to log off.  The fact is you’re looking at a computer screen for several hours.  That can’t be healthy.”

Goozkee says he sold his ship, so he could spend more time on ISCABBS.  “I couldn’t get enough.  The aliens online are so interesting!  Who needs to meet people in person, when you can meet people on a computer?”

Addicts have also lost their jobs at Clow.  Blocky, who asked that we not use her real name, used to be an alien liaison to the Committee for the Scientific Investigation of Claims of the Paranormal.  Her ISCA Addiction lead to her termination.

“First I was ISCAing at my cabin.  Then on my home communication system.  Then on my communicator at work.  When my commander told me not to go on ISCA at work, I ignored them.  Then when I was twitted, or blocked from using ISCABBS, I became a liar.  I told the aides that I needed ISCA for work.  That I couldn’t live without it.  When I was fired from my job, I finally realized that I had a problem.

Clow officials have started taking action.  ISCA access is now limited to 4 hours a day per user.  All work terminals are bared from accessing ISCA.  Addicts are now eligible for free treatment at Clow's hospitals.

Goozkee is thankful for the staff at Clow for ending his addiction.

“Someday, I will be able to afford my own battleship, and I can leave Earth.”

When asked to comment, co-creator Dave Lacey denied that there was a problem.  “If there were aliens on Grind, I would know about them.  There aren’t.  This is a joke, right?  If not, once I graduate from medical school, I would be happy to treat you!”

The other co-creator, Dave Nelson, would only talk about how terrible his mother was to him, and refused to comment about the BBS.

Anonymous sources expect ISCA addiction to decrease once the World Wide Web is released to the general public within the next five years.

Also in the Babbler:  

Dirty Seattle band performs in Chicago
UFOs flee Iraq for Clow UFO Base
Bloodsucking goat killer spotted in Bolingbrook

God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/2/90

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