By Reporter Que Pasa
My alarm started ringing at noon. I finally got out of bed at three PM. I punched the clock, and took a drink of medicine, followed by coffee. Today was a new day. But not just any day. This was the day our country was created. More importantly, it was the day that all the bicentennial celebrations would come to an end! No more US of Archie! No more kids TV shows about re-enacting the American Revolution. It was almost over with. There's a difference between loving your country, and having your country’s flag every where. Even my paper plates are covered in red white and blue. I’m almost ashamed to throw them out. Is there a law against that?
My thoughts were interrupted when a man walked into my room. He wore a powered wig and stockings. I screamed in horror.
“Don’t worry!” The man replied. “I am General George Washington! I need your help.”
I stared at the man. “My help?
“Yes! Your help. But first, you should show me some hospitality.”
I apologized, and gave him some coffee. We quickly consumed our coffee.
“This is strange coffee.” The general replied. “But if my troops had this coffee, not only could we have won the war in one hour, but we could have built enough ships and conquered the United Kingdom.”
“That’s not groovy, so maybe it is best that you didn’t have coffee back then.”
“Maybe, but Ben had some—“
“I don’t want to know!” I screamed. “I still want to love my founding fathers, even if they were uncool slave owning white men.”
“Now there’s a lot to be said for slave—”
“No!” I screamed. “Now why are you here? You said you needed my help!”
“Yes. There is an evil red star nearby. I cannot approach it, but you can.”
“Yes you! Why else would I be here? You are the country’s only hope!”
“What do you want me to do?”
“Go to the giant domed building and confront the evil red star! Once you defeat the red star, the country will survive for another 40 years.”
“What happens after that?”
“Do not question your general! You are a soldier now. I didn’t suffer through two terms as President just have my country die 40 years early! Do it or else I will do this to you.”
Washington turned on my garbage disposal and dove into to it. The father of our country could survive that, but I couldn’t. So I know I had to find this red star, and fast.
I made the drive down Old Chicago. Thanks to the traffic, I arrived around six. The parking lot was jammed with people. Only they weren’t people. Well they were, but blue and white clouds floated above them and red tentacles reached out from the clouds and touched the audience.
A cloud approached me. “Hello. Do you want to get high on the American Spirit?”
“No! That’s a bad high! It leads to killing people in jungles, and voting for Nixon.”
“Oh you’re so un-American. Join us, and let the high of the Fourth of July lift you off the ground and into the exploding sky. Don’t love Lucy in the Sky. Love your Uncle Sam in the Sky.”
I don’t have time for this. I’m on a mission from Washington himself. I’m supposed to find a Red Star!”
“Oh. That uncool thing. He’s around here. Look for the clear spot in the parking lot. He’s so evil that the clouds around him decided it was better to be dead than red.”
“But part of you is red.”
“Not red. RED!”
“I don’t get it.”
“Go save our country from the Red Star. Then save us from anti-authoritarian movies coming out of Hollywood! Jack Nicholson will be the death of us all!”
I wondered the crowds for hours, stopping every so often to take my medicine. As the sun sank, the people around me became more deformed. They started growing guns. Guns out of their arms. Guns out of their heads. Guns out of private parts. Guns! Guns! Was this the future of our country?
Finally, I reached the Red Star. It was hovering over a baby.
“Washington sent me to confront you!” I yelled as loud as I could. The gun people ran away from me. A woman with machine gun eyes took the baby away.
It spoke with a Russian accent. “Comrade! There is no need for confrontation. We are all equal here. My mind control satellites will soon make Bolingbrook a worker’s paradise.”
“I don’t want a worker’s paradise! I want the freedom to do whatever I want when I want to and however I want to.”
“You can do that with me. I will give you that freedom.”
“By taking away everyone else’s freedom?”
“Exactly comrade. How do you plan on stopping me?”
I hadn’t thought of that.
“You can’t stop me, comrade. So join me, and start another American revolution. Join your revolutionary brothers in Russia.”
A man with a Brooklyn accent spoke up. “Don’t listen to him!”
The star hissed at him.
“Communism is the prevision of socialism. In a true democratic state, you would enjoy the freedoms of America, but the government would help you, instead of helping the warmongers, and ultra rich. Embrace me, and turn away from communism.”
“Lies. True communism is the true path of liberation. Freedom is oppressive. The people need to be properly educated before the state can be destroyed.”
“You will never destroy the state. You will cling tightly to power, and smoother the people. I, on the other hand, will arm the people so that the state will never harm them. More importantly, the rich people scheming at the University of Chicago will be too afraid of an armed populous to unleash their selfish plans for the destruction of the US. Embrace me and embrace liberty, freedom, and a loving kind of socialism. Loving me is like loving FDR!”
FDR was cool, and he was American. He was the kind of America I could love. So I hugged the man with the Brooklyn accent. The Red Star screamed.
“Your hug is meaningless. I have the mind control satellites!”
Suddenly the fireworks started going off. I let go of the man. As I looked up in the sky, I could see satellites burning up in the sky.
The Red Star transformed into a tuxedo.
“Socialism cannot be corrupted. Curse you. I will now attempt to corrupt Libertarianism, and buy out the world. The enlighten rich will lead this country. The tux vanished.
“So who are you.” I asked the man.
“You can call me Bernie. Now that I have defeated the spirit of communism, I must now find a blonde Republican woman who is try to shape-shift into a Democrat.”
“Oh that would my classmate Hillary. She’s moved to Arkansas.”
“Ah. Then it will be several years until I have to worry about her.”
“I guess. She’s not half bad. She’s just obsessed with making triangles.”
“Beware of the triangles!” Bernie said, then ran off. “I will see you in Vermont someday.”
I saw two police officers approach me, and I ran away. I haven’t seen Bernie since, but from now on, I won’t trust triangles!
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Aliens endorse Governor Carter for President
President Ford tours Clow UFO Base without falling down
Mayor Wipfler meets with 200 year old man
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/17/76