By Reporter X:
The Illuminati Council for Clow UFO Base denied permission for receptionist Jill X to marry the ambassador from Alpha Centauri inside the base.
From the council’s ruling: “Aliens and humans shouldn’t mix. That is why each species was placed on a separate solar system. It is even debatable whether humans with different skin tones should marry. If we allow such marriages, it could lead to an irreversible course of events that will lead to homosexual men marrying each other with the aid of a computer! Unacceptable!”
Initiate Zeus, who represented the couple, expressed disappointment over the decision. “Our esteemed leaders are too square. When they looked through their square glasses, they couldn’t see that this marriage would involve no children, or the granting of any royal titles. This is a marriage of love between two sentient beings! The Illuminati is planning on having a summer of love two years from now. It is sad that this council could not see the love in front of them. We should give our young people more than obscenely loud music and pacifying drugs. We should give them examples of positive loving relationships.
Ambassador Plock Ducklock, expressed his anger at the decision. “Neither the vast emptiness of space, nor the void inside each council member’s skulls, will separate me from my true love!”
Ducklock offered to declare himself a human if it would allow him to marry Jill. The offer was rejected.
Paula Z. Knight, of the Bolingbrook Family Association, praised the decision.
“Humanity is a social construct. By tearing down social constructs, we tear down society. I didn’t move to the half-completed neighborhoods of Bolingbrook just to participate in the disintegration of society! As long as I am alive, Bolingbrook will always be a pillar of moral decency!”
Zeus intends to appeal the decision to the International Council next month.
The Illuminati could not be reached for comment.
Also in the Babbler:
Soviets threaten to unleash ‘hippies’ on Chicago
Local psychic predicts the end of the Vietnam war by Christmas
Sidewalk to be built over Indian burial ground
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/17/66
(Note: Two weeks after the decision, Jill disappeared and Ducklock returned to Alpha Centauri. From 1976 to 1983, there were many sightings of Jill in Bolingbrook, but none officially confirmed. To this day, her family believes she is still happily married to Ducklock. Following the New World Order’s official takeover of Earth’s UFO Bases in 1984, humans and aliens were allowed to marry, as long neither partner was coerced into the marriage.)