John, last name withheld, was walking to his home in Rockford, when a man approached. The man asked John if he wore a knee brace. John replied that he didn’t. After extending his ASP baton, the man smiled.
“I can solve that problem for you right now!”
John darted away from the man, running towards a public street.
“Rockford has four of the finest Orthopedic practices in Northern Illinois. Tell them I sent you, and I’ll get a finder’s fee!”
John soon spotted a police car and the man ran away. John was winded, but otherwise unharmed.
“I thought it was bad when doctors were first allowed to advertise. This is going too far!”
Many Rockford residents claim to have encountered these so-called “suppliers” of orthotic and prosthetic patients. The “suppliers” either try to harm a person, or encourage risky behavior, then tell their victims to go to a local CPO practitioner so they can collect a “finder’s fee.”
Officially, the Rockford deny the existence of these “suppliers.” Unofficially, they claim that there are several such incidents every week.
“I know business can be slow in the prosthetic business. I mean it’s not everyday someone loses a limb.” Said an anonymous police detective. “But these suppliers are something else. It almost makes you want to move to Chicago. The bad guys will just shoot you. Here they’ll shoot you, and then get a cut from your treatment.”
Dr Paula, who asked that we not use her last name, said she encountered a “supplier” while transferring a patient to an emergency room.
“We just got him out of the ambulance, when some man yelled, ‘If you cut off her leg, I’ll give you 10% of my fee!’ I can’t wait for the day we can regrow limbs, and drive these ‘suppliers’ out of business!”
Donald, another anonymous victim, was at a restaurant, when he mentioned to a friend that he is diabetic. According to Donald, a man pushed a dessert cart next to him.
“Eat all of this.” The man allegedly said. “Then once your feet start swelling, I can get you a great deal on a custom orthotic shoe!”
Donna Z. Gill, a spokesperson for the American Board of Certification in Orthotics, Prosthetics, and Pedorthics, denied the existence of “suppliers” in Rockford.
“The practitioners in Rockford are ethical and professional! They would never hire people to create new business. With the baby boomers getting older, our profession will have more than enough patients to keep everyone busy!”
CPO Doug, from the Rockford office of Limbs R US, also denied using “suppliers.”
“We don’t need to create business! As long a farmers work with dangerous equipment, athletes hit each other in the knees, and people get old, we will always stay in business.”
A man in the background, then said, “Look! They’ve automated the RAC audits! Let me do one now. Did I make a prosthetic device this year? Yes. Did I charge Medicare? Yes! What? I have to reimburse Medicare? That’s not right. That makes me so mad!”
“You'll win the appeal.” Doug replied. “Until then, just relax. Shooting off your gun will make you feel better. Here are some resumes with foreign looking names that you can use for target practice!”
Also in the Rochelle Reader:
Ogle County Fair to feature UFO rides
Werewolves praise Rochelle Veterinary Hospital
Ghost of Ronald Reagan spotted in Dixon
God to bless Rochelle this week