Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Red Deer Reporter: Billionaire vows to build 'American Football University'

Charles Z. Pinkerton III an American billionaire, loves US college football so much that he wants to build a “football university” in Red Deer.

“Red Deer is already the perfect US college town.”  Said Pinkerton.  “All it really needs is a big university!”

Pinkerton believes that global warming will force many US citizens to migrate to Alberta.  His proposed Red Deer State university would cater to these new immigrants.  The proposed campus would support over 100,000 students, thus doubling the population of Red Deer.  While it would offer university level degrees, its main purpose would be to develop talent for the National Football League.  Players rejected by the NFL would have the chance to tryout for the Canadian Football League.

“It’s a great system we have in the United States!”  Explained Pinkerton.  “We get players for almost free.  Our fans pay thousands of dollars for the privilege of reduced ticket prices, and get a degree as bonus.  The taxpayers give us millions of dollars, and don’t complain as long as the team is winning.  Oh, and we get a share of money for TV networks, and money from bowl games.  As long as the majority of professors are adjuncts, it’s like printing money.  Canada is going to love Red Deer State University!”

Pinkerton also added that there are benefits for Red Deer too.

“You’ll get a big stadium that can also be used for concerts.  Plus more people means more money from the provencal government.  Since the students will be gone after nine months, that means Red Deer residents will get to enjoy the profits for three months!”

The team, tentative called the Fighting Moose, will be a member of a major US collegiate football conference.

“We’re entertaining offers from The Atlantic Coast Conference, The Big Ten, and The Sun Belt Conference!”

A spokesperson for the University of Calgary, laughed at the proposed University.  “As any true Canadian knows, we believe in promoting student development over athletic development!  That’s why Canada created the Canadian Interuniversity Sport to prevent the crass commercialism we see to the South.  Even a lousy canuck, knows it is a bad idea for a university to be dominated by its athletic department.”

When this reporter tried to contact the Lousy Canuck blog, the receptionist said the blogger was in the middle of a conference call.

“In the background, a man could be heard yelling, “I don’t want to see a civil war!  OK, maybe I will want to see Capitan America: Civil War, but that’s it!”

Also in the Red Deer Reporter:

No snow season could be extended say scientists
Wildrose Party adds ‘Bigfoot culling’ to party platform
Man shakes uncontrollably after drinking fracking fluid

God to smite the rest of Canada on 3/8/15

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