Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Mayor Claar saves New Horizons probe

By Reporter X

Content Notice:  Discussions similar to body image conversations.  

After several hours of mediation, Bolingbrook mayor Roger Claar persuaded the Plutoians to stop jamming NASA’s New Horizons probe.

Said Claar, “I am proud to work with the leaders of Pluto to resolve this conflict with little loss of scientific data from New Horizons.  Earth will have wonderful pictures of Pluto and none of them will feature Pluto City.”

According to sources, Pluto forced New Horizons into safe mode after finding out that the International Astronomical Union would not consider restoring Pluto’s status as a full planet until 2018.  The New World Order convened an emergency summit at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base with representatives from Pluto’s government.

The New World Order representatives tried to explain that it didn’t matter humans called Pluto because Pluto’s scientists are not bound by the IAU’s decisions.

“Words’s have power, and words can hurt.”  Countered Pluto representative Plackgock!  

“But you shouldn’t feel bad about being called a dwarf planet.”  Said Coordinator Biff.

“Don’t tell us how to feel!  We can feel however we want about being labeled.  In fact, how would you like it if we labeled Earth a fat planet?  Maybe we’re the normal sized planet because we could control our appetite while orbiting the sun.  Maybe the reason Earth has cleared its orbit is because it is so piggy.  Jupiter is mostly gas, so it has an excuse.  What is Earth’s excuse?”

“Enough with the planet shaming!”  Interrupted Claar.  “This is getting us nowhere.  The representatives of Pluto should be better than this!  Until the IAU changes its mind, think of your world as the Peter Dinklage of the solar system.”  

Claar then brought in a representative from the Center for Inquiry.  She grinned as she looked at the Plutoians.

“The Executive Director of our Washington DC branch runs a fashion blog. She wants to do a photo shoot with all of you because your outfits are so hot!  I mean so cool!”

“Um, doesn’t that go against Earth’s policy to cover up off world visitors?” Asked Plackgock.

“Don’t worry.  We’re starting a new blog for the interstellar Internet.  It’s called Fashion: Inside Earth’s UFO Bases.  Your delegation will be featured in the first post!”

Plackgock immediate ordered his government to stop jamming New Horizons.

New Horizons will make its closest approach to Pluto on July 14.  Dignitaries from around our solar system, including Claar are expected be visiting Pluto to watch.

“We painted our twin planet Charon black just for the occasion.  We thought it might please our Emo fans on Earth!”  

Also in the Babbler:

Secret Babbler project progresses
Sleepy truck driver accidentally drives truck into UFO
Claar: No land-sharks in Bolingbrook!

God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/10/15

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