Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Web Exclusive: Chupacabra settles lawsuit against skeptic Ben Radford

Lawyers for Chupacabra, a vampire-like creature, announced they had reached a settlement in their lawsuit against skeptic Ben Radford.

“Our client is fully redeemed!”  said head lawyer Ronald Z Patterson outside of the Cook County Courthouse. “This statement, signed by Ben and my client, affirms once and for all that my client is real.  We now ask that all so-called skeptical sites removed their defamatory web pages and apologize for their hateful debunking of my client!”

Patterson produced an un-notarized typed statement with an unrecognizable signature, and a hand drawn “x”.  The statement says the two had an “intensely intimate relationship,” that ended when Chupacabra refused Radford's offer for an open marriage.  “It would be wrong to not erroneously assume that the former defendant’s not insignificant writings be considered as not unscientific or unfounded.”  The statement also goes on to state that Radford would not receive any proceeds should Chupacabra decide to sell their sex videos online.

“This is how our justice system should work!”  Said Patterson.

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for Committee for Skeptical Inquiry doubted the signature was Radford’s.  “Even if it is, so what?  People have confessed to capital crimes that they didn’t commit.  So-called confessions can’t change the truth.  The Earth didn’t become the center of the universe after Galileo was forced to renounce heliocentrism.  This alleged statement doesn’t change the considerable evidence against (Chupacabra’s) existence.” 

In the background, a man said, “One of my bloggers is receiving death threats! We have to help her!”

A man who sounded like Center for Inquiry CEO and president Ron Lindsay replied, “Your bloggers need to toughen up and learn to take constructive criticism from male atheists! Do I need to dust off my lecture on the dangers of believing in male privilege and give it to everyone at Freethought Blogs?  Maybe if your feminist bloggers would stop bullying atheist thought leaders like me, our followers would stop harshly critiquing all of you!  I guess I can write a nondescript post lightly condemning only the obviously violent threats.”

“It’s Taslima Nasreen, and she’s being threatened by Islamic Terrorists!

“Well that’s different!  We’d better move her to the United States and set up a fund so she can start a new life here.  We need to show the world that we support freethinking women in other countries!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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